Eating Disorder Recovery

[OhIFellOff]

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com

Hi. been a bit quiet as not been well and having DC's to entertain. purple you don't have to apologise for ranting, especially not when your letting feelings out that are otherwise stuck. Your STBX friend sounds like she will fit that title well. Good for you recognising it, although I understand the practical part will be easier said than done.

MrsMargo your shopping and meal plan sounds a good combination. Also well done on the work with DC. Please don't feel too bad about how you feel you have been like your parents. There's a whole world of difference between them and you, not least the fact that you (despite not having a good role model) are taking steps to make sure the cycle is broken. Your self aware and have DC best interests at heart. Always remember because you're aeare of their treatment you will always be hyper sensitive to any elements of it. So small acts that trigger memories for you may be fairly insignificant on their own (obviously different from full on bad behaviour being minimised, which if your anything like me you will worry that your doing out of fear for DC'S emotions).

I tend to post in case I lose long messages....

Sleep I hope your traffic nightmare is over and your in bed now. Thanks for the link, I read it earlier and it finished off a decision I had been mulling over ref contact with DM.

These last few months have made a big difference to my anxiety levels. Recovery has let me see things I need to change for myself. Being around DM and DSF (at times) is not healthy for me and in fact a lot of my family. They are negative, materialisic and competitive people. So I will be distancing myself as much as possible. An upcoming visit will be avoided and I hope the one after that won't actually happen.

I can't go NC with DM as the NCP fallout would be epic and I'd be bombarded by other family members. In order to be NC it would mean cutting out everyone. So for my own sake I shall distance and disengage as much as possible instead. I feel more relaxed now that I aknowledged not wanting to be with most of them. I've always been the odd one and I assumed it was just me. Turns out 'normal' families do happiness, encouragement and couldn't care less how much money I have. I have some of those on the other side. These will be where my focus is and who I talk to about my upcoming venture. My fist hurdle however is being assertive and avoiding visits. I will likely need a shove in the right direction when the time comes, narcs hate you going against their will.x

I hope Saturday and work is going ok for everyone.x

Hi Fighting it sounds like you have made a very sensible decision wrt family. It definitely resonates with me, reaching that point where you feel sad, but accepting of how certain people are, when you stop wishing they were different and focus on how best you react to their behaviour and who you rely on for support. Keep them in your life but on your terms and at arms length emotionally - have low expectations so they can't press your buttons in the same way (although they will undoubtedly continue to do so from time to time).

You described it really well. Sorry to hear that you too have experience of this, it's not an easy situation in life to change.x

Thanks Fighting, it is a tough process, but it's worth it for the kind of peace it brings .

Hi everyone.

fighting glad your anxiety levels are getting better. It's hard to change how you think and feel isn't it? I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder which my good friends and family know about. I think you have to start being a little bit selfish. I do think our anxiety stems from the BED and the not feeling good enough so we feel we don't deserve happiness/consideration and that then manifests itself into all sorts of things. Well done both of you for recognising it and changing it. I'm only just starting to make the changes, so probably a bit behind you fighting but hopefully we will get the peace in our lives that sleep has.

Up early today. I was so tired yesterday I was asleep just after 7 and only woke up a couple of times in the night. I went shopping yesterday for an outfit for a wedding, shopped for some other bits, had lunch in a cafe then had my hair cut and coloured. I love getting my hair done as it always looks amazing. I bought a couple of things to wear in every day life as well as the wedding stuff. I have been wearing the same couple of things that I feel comfortable in so I bought some extra stuff in a bigger size. Do any of you shop in charity shops? I love them and quite often pick up some bargains.

Today I am going to do some work on my application form and interview stuff and I am also meeting a friend for a walk. She has also been having some problems with the friend I mentioned before so I can chat it over with her. It will hopefully help my resolve to not go all out to repair the friendship to my detriment as my anxiety/low self worth would normally push me to do that.

Have a good day.

Hi everyone.

How was you catch up with your friend purple? I'm sure a new haircut and outfit gave today an extra spring. Did you find a solution for the issue together?

I meant to say a while ago, how you handle food at home with DSD sounds perfect. I know it's not easy knowing if you getting it right or wrong with DSC but you're doing great.

MrsMargo how has Sunday been, anymore relaxed after getting stuff done yesterday?

Today has been anxiety overload here. Trying to sort out xmas plans with parents. It's something I wanted to get out of the way so I know what to expect. I have pushed for a change to what was previously discussed so its better for us. (I'm sure you can work out where this becomes hard for me). I think it's sorted for now but you can never tell and the constant feeling I have upset others by not doing what they want is horrible.

Well that was until I had a spirit reading done. The results were quite nice and fitted me perfectly. It ended with my current changes being the right choice and to believe in myself. Things will only go bad if I don't believe I'm worth it. I know not everyone is spiritual but I am and it's the first time I've ever done anything like this. I feel a lot better, almost as if they can believe in me, I should do it too.

Hi fighting. The meeting with the friend went well. We had a lovely walk and a good chat. She is having similar problems with the same friend. I think it has strengthend both of our resolves to stop putting up with it. I feel better now I have talked it through with her. I think even if I do sort things out to a degree with the friend it won't be the same.

Sorry the anxiety has been bad today, but at least you are sticking to doing what is best for you. I don't know if I believe in spiritual stuff but if it works for you then that's great.

Spent the rest of today going through my application form and interview stuff so I feel better about that. I just have to remember it if I get an interview.

Off for another early night. Work again in the morning.

Hello, hello

Nice to read all your posts. I have been waiting for the perfect time to post and of course that never comes...so here I am anyway!

Sleep glad you had a nice holiday. Wow, 5 weeks sounds great. Think you have a DC starting school soon (?), if so hope the prep is all going ok? Sorry to hear you have had to deal with people like fighting has, but good to hear you have found peace with your decision and a way to manage it on your terms.

Thanks for the link. Not only do I not say No, I have a terrible habit of volunteering myself before I am even asked! I am trying to be aware of this and not to volunteer on the spur of the moment.

purple sorry to hear about your friend. Glad talking to your mutual friend helped. As an outsider your friend does sound like she is being unreasonable on many levels.

I am a clinger-on-to-of friends (probably for all the unhealthy reasons) but occasionally I have dropped people when I have got really fed up but I always still think about them occasionally. Even if you know it is for the best, it can be a difficult feeling to live with. :(

If I have an issue with a friend it preys on my mind, so I can imagine how not hearing back post apology must feel.

I guess also you have become increasingly fed up over time with her behaviour, so to you standing your ground (re he hen) has seemed logical, but to her your 'unusual' behaviour is probably a shock. Not excusing her but just musing about the situation.

I rarely go in charity shops as I worry they won't have my size. Interesting you find lots of stuff in there. Glad you are pleased with your hair and found a wedding outfit. I am sure you'll look lovely.

Thanks for sharing about your approach to food with DSD. I found it difficult last week as we were out with friends at a picnic and he wanted more and more mini donuts. I just find myself thinking "What is acceptable?".....

fighting sorry to hear about your DM & DSF, they sound v challenging and upsetting. I think avoiding when you can sounds like the most workable solution. I can imagine things like Xmas planning are difficult if you don't really want to go. Are you concerned that the plans will be backtracked on?

I am so pleased that the spiritualist helped you. I am curious about that sort of thing, but not sure I could go in case they predicted something terrible! They do provide comfort to a good friend. It is good to take strength from wherever it is offered...

Didn't have a good end to the week. Friday was particularly bad. My running buddy has joined SW and I think that started me thinking about focusing on weightloss. So I then got on the scales and it is up from where I was before my first holiday. It went downhill from there!

I do think a normal coffee (I did ask a friend to get a decaff, but not sure she did, it was a bit hectic with all the kids) was a major factor. I also then stayed up late working which gave me the opportunity to overeat and made me tired yesterday. However it wasn't too bad and I managed to regain control yesterday & today.

Managed to get some work done which is good. Feel a little better but still anxious about managing my commitments. Am going to try to get enough sleep, I think deprevation is not a good thing for me.

We all went for a 3 hour bike trip out. We did stop for lunch, but was really impressed with DS.

Anyway, I need to get to bed. Thanks again for being there. You are all in my thoughts a lot during the day.

I just lost a massive message (insert emoticon slapping forehead).

purple it was good to hear the meet up with your friend went well. Although having the same issues isn't ideal, there must be a sense of relief for you both. It's so easy to worry that it's just us sometimes.

Do you know when interviews are being held? How are you coping with the anxiety?

I absolutely love charity shops. My loval one is a bit dire but I'd happily hunt for bargains all day elsewhere. Gumtree is fantastic for me too.

MrsMargo I can definitely relate to volunteering myself before asked. It played on my mind after you posted, so I had a think about why I / we do it. For me; I spent all my life building a barrier of self protection and preservation. This was in a variety of ways, including conditioning. In order to get the much needed acceptance and even being liked, I never went against my parents. Even if I tried I would be made to feel all manners of guilt and be subjected to 'talks' and aggressive behaviour. So I backed down and all would be calm again. Therefore I (and I think you too) became apt at reading people, what they want or expect and any consequences that may arise and a fear of what will happen if we don't fill the void / task. When you have parents like ours we want to avoid them lashing out and that has shaped us. It's instinct to do good for others to avoid any kind of dislile or upset we may cause. Also by doing for others first we know it will gain us reward we will have done well.

I am trying so hard to stop myself doing this but it's so difficult. I always worry that I have upset people for the most insignificant thing. Yet you have to go very far to upset me. I have accepted the most ridiculous level of bad treatment over the years because if it was directed at me that was ok . It's sad to think I feel like that because of how my DM and enabler DF have been my whole life. I am only just choosing not to be sucked in by it all now. I wish that were the same as not caring or being affected as I write this I am anticipating the next backlash. It will come but this one is the type to be dished out when I think it's over. How ridiculous that I knoe the process so well and yet can't stop it. This time I am gearing up to shoot it down with an ultimatum, stop or leave me alone.

I know you feel that the last few days weren't great. It came across a little differently thought. You weighed youself which can always be a trigger, regardless of what we see. You had a low day but that was it. There was no major set back no massive binges and your back on track. All that happened in such a short space of time and is a massive indication of the progress you have made. I think you're doing great margo.

I also think about you all each day. Hoping that you're doing ok. I've never been one to have a huge social circle or open up but I look forward to reading your messages and chatting with you all in a way I've never been able to before now. It's funny how we could be passing in the street and having no idea because you (& MN) know more of what's going on inside than most people I know in RL. I do wonder sometimes if one day I may actually cross this into RL.

sleep are you feeling renewed and ready to get back on with normality yet? After so long away I can imagine adjusting is difficult.x

sorry the messages were so short

I wrote a post on the app, the connection went and so did the msg - arrhh!

fighting I love the fact you are so curious and self-reflective - it is very inspiring. That shows dedication to recovery to me. :)

Interesting to hear your reasons for volunteering. I think for me being liked/given praise for it is probably one of the strongest motivations.

In one of my talking therapy sessions I talked about wearing 'perfect cloaks' which is how I like to present myself to others. And being a volunteer (literally for a charity) and the organiser of things are important clocks to me, they make up part of the self-image I have of myself. But as I explored in the sessions, so I need to do them all to 110% all the time...No..

I agree with your observation that we are 'drilled' to anticipate, I have never really thought about that. DF's behaviour was very unpredictable, so I am sure I spend lots of my time trying to read people and the situation.

And yes, Friday was a small 'blip', which in itself is good - so thanks. I also came on, and typically the 2nd day before is often very hormonal, so that didn't help!

I find it interesting that you and purple talk about BED in a holistic way. In my mind I am f**ked up therefore I overeat, I don't associate BED 'making me' do anything other than overeat but I suspect you are both right.

I also recognise the over-apologising & worrying about offending people. It really weighs me down if I feel I have hurt someone, which I think I probably rarely do a I am so hyper-aware. The times I have, I find it difficult to forget, every now and then they pop into my mind.

However, I also know rationally that most people (as I do) just want the hurt acknowledged and a simple 'sorry'. There are few things that I am likely to do (and you I am sure) that will require more.

I just want to hear the person say "It is ok" which I think is probably me wanting to hear "It is ok, you are an ok person".

I have 'talked' more about BED over these past months than I have in my life! I am so grateful for you starting this thread.

Re the issue coming up with your DM & DSF, is there anything you can do to 'manage' it upwards as it were? It must be stressful anticipating a big fuss erupting....? It sounds really difficult.

Yes, it might move to real life. I am also happy with "just" having this support. I do think it is easier to talk online, I struggle to talk to DH about it!!

Anyway, how you feeling about DC & school? Mine is back on Thursday. We had a special day out today which was nice.

I have had a couple of ok days. Still too much work on, not sure that is really going to change until Nov, but we'll see. I did do a bit of planning this am, which generally helps me to feel better.

Hope you are ok purple and the application is coming along ok.

And forgot to mention that I addressed some rude behaviour today from a stranger. Was really chuffed with myself!

High Five MrsMargo! Really proud of you for doing so.

I was intrigued that I come across as being holistic regarding BED. What makes you say that? I honestly feel more that it is just one in the collection of mental health conditions I have and I may fall apart one day. (anxiety, depression) Your description of feeling crazy is more how I feel inside too. I guess we all try to hide behind the mask of 'ok and got everything together'.

I used to volunteer for charities doing what I thought I should. It put me in a dark place as I wasn't equipped to cope with it. It is hard to say no though. I almost did it again recently and instantly knew I couldn't follow through. Thankfully I didn't have to do it, the relief was immense.

DC1 doesn't start school until later in sept due to staggered start. DC2 starts pre-school Thursday though. I'm getting used to the idea and itching to get some work done. Sticking to spending time with DC (and possibly decluttering house too while got more time).

I don't know if you saw or not, someone posted on your thread in Eating Disorders. I responded and tried to encourage them to.join here. (if you're lurking clair hi).

purple you must be so falt out at the moment. I do hope someone is stepping in and looking after when your home .x

Hi Mrsmargo - well done for speaking up about the rude behaviour !

Its really interesting to hear what you are both saying about anticipating people's reactions to you, it sounds like it boils down to never feeling like you are 'enough' but it is the treatment you have received from people who will never tell you that you are enough that makes you feel that way, it really isn't the truth. You are certainly enough for the men who love you for example - if you have a high opinion of them then you should take comfort and strength from that, they aren't stupid, or settling for you, they chose you .

Did you get any further with that book Mrs?

Fighting its good that you recognise that the volunteer work was too emtionally draining for you. It is very difficult for many people (especially those with sensitive souls) not to 'soak up' others' unhappiness or troubles and it is healthy that you recognise that in yourself. But you are certainly doing an amazing 'volunteer' job on MN supporting others struggling with issues similar to your own though, the time and attention and thought you give is clear and obviously helpful.

Mrs have you tried talking properly to your DH about all this?

I read this today and it made me smile - maybe some things to think about when you are worrying about tight clothes/weight and maybe hating your body....

And I think that the Body Images are beautiful. Fighting would you consider doing something similar ? I think it would be an amazing project and incredibly positive and healing both for the subjects and for you!

Hi sleep thank you for the vote of confidence with my posts.

I loved the articles you shared, I will definitely look up more in that area as the feelings after are quite nice. she sounds like a pretty incredible woman!

I wasn't sure if you meant would I volunteer for a project such as the body image or create my own. I would say yes to both. Using myself is something I have toyed with when brain storming ideas. I'm definitely passionate about helping the BED cause get out there so joining others would be fun (if a little nerve wracking ) I do feel more confident now than ever before. There's a long way to go but I'm happy with the achievement so far. What do you think about these projects purple& MrsMargo?

The Militant Baker is fabulous, I love her blogs. Very funny, cutting and clever.this is another great post of hers.

I meant you actually doing the photography, but of course you could be a subject too! I think there is definitely a growing movement towards women doing these kind of things for body confidence...still life modelling, boudoir photography and suchlike - I bet if you advertised locally you would get a response.

Hello

Thanks both for the cheerleading on my addressing the stranger.

I have been thinking about my reluctance to challenge (taking your lead fighting at self-reflection).

I think part of it is due to my DF's temper teaching me not too, but also his model of addressing issues was/is really poor.

He cannot complain 'nicely', he leaves it until he is really angry. I am guessing underneath it, he doesn't feel worthy enough to challenge so watching him in action is very uncomfortable too as I have an uncomfortable empathy with him.

fighting maybe 'holistic' is the wrong adjective. I think what I am trying to say (rather clumsily!) is that you and purple seem (I might be wrong!) to have accepted the BED is a wide reaching condition that has other symptoms (ie negative thoughts) in addition to 'just' overeating. I struggle to see it as anything more than "just" the compulsion to overeat.

I guess when it comes down to it I struggle to accept (on an emotional/irrational level) that it is an eating disorder.

sleep no, haven't read any more of the book but picked it up this am following your post!

Thanks for the links. The whole idea of having any nude photos taken fills me with complete horror, sorry!

I do admire women that can do it. I would worry about the impact on my business (is professional services) and I certainly couldn't deal with the trolls!! Sorry. I think I would feel the same even if I was slimmer. But I agree there could be a business opp for fighting.

I have read a few 'Healthy At Any Size' blogs etc. Again I admire them, but if I am truely honest I want to be slimmer not healthy and bigger.

Last night wasn't great. My head of an evening is just a long list of all the things I should be doing. So I rebel and do none and then feel guilty and eat. It wasn't a binge as such but was food I could have done without.

But today is another day. I did an exercise DVD this am

Hope you all have a good day.

Mrs - the book will definitely help you see the compulsion to eat as being more than 'just' that. It's not so much self help as very gentle, understanding insights as to how disordered eating comes about . It's really interesting that you recognise your own feelings reflected in your DP's behaviour. I think this is more often the case between a mother and daughter than father/daughter - its not a comfortable sensation but it is fascinating and useful in terms of enabling you to address it.

With regard to the positive body image stuff, I really believe that the key to getting the body you want is to try to love (starting with just accepting), the one you have. When you hate something you can't and won't take care of it properly. You may succeed in getting to the size you believe you should be by punishing it (through food deprivation and exercise you hate) , but often you still won't love it and life really won't be so very different...also you then have the new challenge/fear of maintaining that weight - a continuous battle and not a lot less miserable than being a larger version of yourself and hating it . By coming at the problem from the other direction, living the life you think you will have after you lose weight, treating the body you have the same way as you would if it were as slim as you'd like, that way a better relationship with food/body/life lies. And more often than not, that is when weight will shift easily and stay off .

Mrs with your feelings of 'guilt' about work last night...have you ever tried pausing before you reach for the food and noting down exactly what it is you are feeling? I'm not suggesting this as a way of stopping the binge/overeating, but it can give you some valuable insights with which to work on changing the unwanted habit/addressing the real issues at work (because they have nothing to do with food or hunger ).

Hello All

How were your weekends? We had a nice time in the park and then my parents over for lunch.

How are the school joiners doing?

Fighting - how are you feeling about your business now?

Purple - have you sent off the application? Heard back from your hen friend?

sleep thank you for you insights and interest. I don't really remember much about food growing up. I know I ate a lot as I was a competitive swimmer from 6 - 12 and used to train 5 times a week etc.

I suspect my DM has similar issues as she has always been overweight.

I have tried to explain the BED to her, but sadly she doesn't really believe in mental problems. She comes from a place of love so I try not to let it upset me.

I have read a bit more of the book and so much of it resonates. It is interesting dealing with DS as it helps me to imagine what a 6 yr old me was like.

I also find the idea (well I am guessing that is where the book is going) that if I am more true to myself that I can heal/almost heal very hopeful. Rather than I am damaged beyond repair etc.

I do have some acceptance of my body, more than I have in a long time but it is work in progress. I do things like exfolitate and apply cream each day as I think that is an (external) way to take care of myself.

Am starting pilates this week. Need to sort out my core. Doing it with friends, the social aspect seems to be the key to me doing it and enjoying it.

Anyway, that is enough for now!

Thinking of you all.

Hi MrsMargo. I had a good weekend thank you. I'm extremely tired so I will write a proper message later but I hope you're having a good day.x

Hi mrs, lovely weekend, thank you. Ds2 settled into reception wonderfully but is exhausted by it and seems under the impression that he's done it now and can stay home this week

Glad you are finding the book worthwhile. It sounds like you are making really good progress, taking care of yourself makes a big difference-things like the body lotion every day may seem like just an external thing but it's in the theme of faking it til you make it. The repeated actions of treating your body well sink into your brain so that you become more convinced that you are worth taking care of, and in time this then has a knock on effect on your self esteem. same thing with the exercise. Both also have the benefit of putting you in better touch with your body, which can be lost along the way of diets and disordered eating which lead to body hatred and a disconnection from it.