Eating Disorder Recovery

[OhIFellOff]

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

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Ah bless your DS sleep, he is probably loving mummy time after his half day! Glad he is doing ok. I have seen a few of DS's siblings who are joining Reception crying etc which must be hard.

Thanks for the encouragement. It is good to think about the repeated positive actions making a difference.

Struggling a bit this week. The dreaded Facebook has dragged up some stuff for me.

I just keep thinking about when I behaved badly. It isn't a case of thinking I did, I did. I am sure the person involved has moved on and I can undo what happened but it has just brought up so many emotions. I am sure I am being too harsh on myself too.

I do feel that my mind lets/encourages me to self-sabotage, do any of you experience that?

My eating has been ok, I have exercised a bit and I have been happy and pleased with my work for a few days....yet I posted something on a FB (unrelated to above) which is now making me worry. I think I ignored my instinct to not post.

It is almost like I am doing well, so I give myself something to worry/feel anxious about. Arrrhh!

Think I could do with a FB break!

On a different note, I have ordered some more wintery clothes from ASOS. Last time I found their dresses a bit short but will see. I want a few new items to feel good in.

Hope you are having good weeks sleeping and purple.

Sorry meant fighting at the end there! Not that I don't wish you a good week sleep!

Mrs forgiveness is a big theme in the work I do with clients, we all have something(s!) we have to forgive ourselves for as well as others. Guilt and worry about things you can't undo are such a waste of emotional energy, better to accept and learn, then let go of the feelings about it, they serve no purpose to anyone, least of all you. Similarly with the Facebook thing, maybe you did make a mistake (though it may well be no big deal ), but you have learned from it and next time you will trust your instincts, so in that sense it has a positive side. If FB triggers you then definitely take a break, I think it can be detrimental to the kind of progress you are making , it's too easy to forget that all you see there is the 'perfect' aspects of other people's lives.

How are you Fighting?

to Purple - please make sure you are relaxing occasionally amongst the stress

Hi all. Sorry I have been absent. I have been rather busy. I like to have the thread open on my ipad while typing reply on phone so I don't miss stuff so making time for that now.

The body images project looks interesting but for me it isn't something I could consider doing, maybe in the future but it's too soon at the moment.

Well done on speaking out margo. Its not easy is it? fighting sounds like you are doing well. It's nice to see positive stuff and it seems for all of us that the set backs don't seem as big which is always a good thing.

I'm doing ok. Have been toying with getting on the scales but I am not going to. I was talking to my supervisor the other day - I have previously spoken to her about my food issues and she made me see I am doing well by not restricting/over exercising or going the other way and binge eating. I have finally almost accepted that there won't be a weight loss for a while and that it will happen when I get my body used to normal eating.

I went to a wedding on Saturday that I was dreading a bit (I still struggle with social occasions) but I had a really good time. I wore comfort shorts under my dress so thanks for the idea margo which made it a lot more comfortable in the heat. The wedding was lovely, the food and drink great and I danced a lot to cheesy 80s tunes

I sent off my application this week and rung them today to make sure they have it. so I can relax a bit about that. I'm not letting myself look at the copy of it or I would only start second guessing myself and worrying. I spent my shift in the department I am applying for yesterday and it was really good so now I want the job even more. The interviews/assessment is the 4th and 5th October. I need to email them and ask if I get to interview stage can I be assessed on the 5th as I have a wedding on the 3rd and I would need to leave straight after the meal if I did it on the 4th to get home and sleep.

It's been over 2 weeks since the issue with my 'friend' and she still hasn't been in contact. I have seen her briefly around work but she has avoided my office as much as possible. If she says anything now I think I am just going to tell her that I am disappointed she didn't reply to my apology text and that I am too old for playground type fall outs. I doubt very much that we will get past this and to be honest I don't think I want to.

Going out for tea and wine with a good friend tonight so looking forward to that. Going to walk there and back which is always a good thing.

Didn't mean to type so much! sorry. But it has been a while since I posted.

Hope everyone having a good week. X

Hi everyone, sorry for the quiet period. I have been quite busy and really struggling with tiredness.

MrsMargo how are you feeling about Facebook now. Are you having a break from it? sleep put it well about self forgiveness. I'm sure even if you feel it wasn't a good action, if your friend has moved on, perhaps that is your cue to too.

Purple I'm sorry that things haven't worked out better with your friend. I hope it isn't too awkward for you in work. how was the meet up?

Although I've been quiet it's not been a bad time. I've been thinking about different things to do with my eating. Like you purple I am staying away from the scales and not chasing weight loss. It's now an acceptable approach for me rather than scary. I have even noticed I'm questioning others actions towards me now. I hope to be more assertive but time will tell if I can overcome the anxiety it brings with it.

My eating is pretty rubbish lately with what I'm choosing. That's fine with me though because the more photography prep I'm doing the better I eat. School routines will help too. I bought more clothes this week and got rid of any old worn out ones. The space is nice.

My confidence is growing in general. It's nice as it gives a bit of a brighter outlook on life in general. I feel like I'm doing the business rather than hoping to and I haven't 'launched yet.

What about you purple and MrsMargo any particular progess you're happy with?x

Got to go to bed, but just wanted to say hello.

Stupidly got on the scales on Friday and whilst it is the same it has really thrown my thinking. Why did I do it!!!

Good to read positive things are happening for you both though, it helps.

Will be back another day. Hope you have had good weekends.

Sorry fighting I thought my message was the last one so didn't click on the thread until mrsmargo posted. Sorry to see you are struggling with tiredness. It makes other stuff harder to deal with. Glad you are thinking more and staying away from the scales. Questioning others actions is good. It really is about time we all did that and just keep the good people in our lives.

I think I am just happy staying off the scales. I have been really tempted lately but keep telling myself it won't help. Seeing how it has thrown your thinking mrsmargo has helped me stay away from them.

Things with my friend not good. She still isn't talking to me. Another friend had to cancel the hen weekend due to quite severe medical issues and the response wasn't good. I have been doing a lot of thinking about how one sided our friendship can be and I am not going to go grovelling to get her to speak to me. An example of how much effort I put into everything with her is her birthday cake I made less than a month ago. It took me all day. Going to try and post a picture so you can see the effort I put in (think I still need a bit of validation that I have been a good friend)

Hope you have had good weekends. I have been working. Next week will be a long week waiting to hear if I have an interview.

Everything edible - even the make up

Oh purple I am sure you are a great friend. I do think weddings can turn even the nicest most considerate person into a 'mare, but it sounds like she is acting very unfairly and focusing on one "bad" act (in her eyes) against a long time of being a great friend. It really is her, not you. However, I know how v v difficult it can be to experience that feeling that you have upset someone, mixed with the confusion of having been a good friend.

I haven't found the answer, but I think you have to stick to your resolve and not go chasing after her. You are worth more than that....

Yes, stay away from the scales! Am so annoyed with myself for getting on them!

Posted so not to lose the thread.

Purple well done for sending the application off. I could empathise with your comments about trying not to re-read it as you could be tempted to change it etc. When should you hear about the potential interview?

I bought a perfectionism self-help book once which had a picture of lots of screwed up bits of paper on the front, it reminded me of doing my A Levels and re-writing things over and over. I am less like that now, but the temptation is always there!

fighting great you are feeling so positive and moving ahead with your business. I do think a routine helps, I find my day off from work a challenge as it lacks routine and offers access to food.

I have moved past the FB worry/thoughts, thanks for your all your support and letting me share about it.

I am not really taken in by 'perfect FB' lives (I "do" social media for my business and for clients so I know there is a big element of putting a certain face forward) but it does remind me of people.

At least I didn't go on a manic binge despite feeling v uncomfortable for a couple of days. And I acknowledged the feelings/issues. So that is progress.

I do need to work on forgiveness. It would break my heart if I thought anyone I loved or even liked were treating themselves as I do in terms of how I scold myself for my behaviour. Behaviour which really isn't that bad most of the time....

Had a really nice weekend. Lots of friends, and doing things with the DC.

I did experince one thing I keep thinking about.

A bar person said I gave them £25 when I think I gave them £30. She did offer to review the CCTV but it was busy and I wasn't 100% that it was £30. So I went against my instinct (which was that I gave £30) and left it. In retrospect I wonder if I should have asked her to look at the footage. And that I was putting everyone else's comfort in front of mine. She kept forgetting the order, so I do wonder if her memory of my £5 was actually correct! Oh well.

Having a clothes clear out sounds good fighting. I need to do that. I love a dress I bought from ASOS Curve. There is a thread in Style and Beauty about plus size fashion at the mo which mentions a few new (to me) companies.

And to answer your question about progress fighting:

• I am binging much less
• I am aware of my feelings and seek to address them, not just eat them
• I am managing to do things to out myself first more than I was

So glad you are feeling positive.

Right, off to work. Have a good Monday.

Purple that cake looks incredible!

Wow yes! I couldn't see it on the app. I think that wins friend of the year prize anyday....

Think of the cake when you are questioning how good a friend you are.....

Thanks for the cake comments. Off to work now but will try to pop back on later.

Hi, sorry I have been a bit quiet, so much to do. School has been great for DC and I have actually been fine despite my worries. If anything I haven't been able to get everything done in the alloted time and there was me thinking the day would feel like forever without DC. How has it been going back for everyone else?
Work is well underway for the end of month page lunch.

Purple I managed to get a look at your cake and basically WOW! it's fantastic and you certainly did put a lot of effort in to it for your friend. I'm sorry it hasn't worked out well with her. It is hard when you have a friendship that changes but one that has you questioning whether you tried hard enough, after spending a day doing that cake, is probably one to move on from.

Right back to work for me. I will catch up more when I have a bit more time. Thinking of you all.xx

Hi

Glad to hear school is going well for you all fighting. It is not a given.

Good that things are moving with the business too. End of Sept launch sounds exciting! How will you celebrate?

Have you heard about the interview purple? Or has your hen friend been in touch?

This week hasn't been good. I have just been so overwelmed with work. It leads me to feeling like I am letting everyone down - clients, family, friends and the DC.

Haven't massively binged which is positive but the self-hatred (mainly focused on my size) has ramped up, which is both uncomfortable and sad.

I do need to try to put myself first more. By not doing that I end up stressed and resentful. I made a small work decision today which did just that and I feel pleased with myself, just need to keep it up!

My running buddy has lost more weight via Slimming World. I am finding the lure of restriction difficult to ignore!

However, I am not sure I could actually put myself throught it again. For all the highs it delivers, the lows of feeling like such a big (in both senses!) failure keep me away.

Was reading an old Geene Roth (sp) article on FB. Her message is so clear - you have to work on the self-loathing to get to the root of the problem....

Anyway, hope you are all having more highs than lows. Thinking of you all.

Have good weekends.

Hi Margo it sounds like a bit of an up and down week for you. im hoping that tha small change you made can grow into a big positive for you.

It's very easy to be tempted by the restrictions like SW. The initial results bri g such a high and it's a short term sinch. I think revisiting old feelings of failure and loathing that appear far too quickly when we slip up, is a good deterrent.

When working on self acceptance are you still holding onto an element of 'for now'? It may sound odd as we would all like to be different to how we are right now (Perhaps it's a woman thing). Would it be better to aim for acceptance with how we are and learn to be happy with what we have. We all have good points, features and our families see someone looking great when we make an effort. Would it be the end of the world if we were to stay the sizes we are for years? (we could argue the health thing but how healthy will we be stuck forever in the BED cycle??)

sorry had to post as something needed doing.....

I think we would be very disappointed if, in a few years we are still letting these negative voices and even RL influences ruin our happiness further. It's not an easy thing but as much as possible I'm trying to force myself to ignore it all. Distance from RL things is still helping and I try each day to look for positives about myself. We can choose to roll over and carry the dark like a heavy blanket over us....or we can fight as hard as we can to push it off. I use thoughts of work at the moment, I'm good at that, so could I possibly be as useless at the rest of my life as these thoughts tell me? I used to think so but not so much now. I just have to allow myself to believe it and the key to that has been not letting RL people tell me otherwise by avoiding. them. We are never going to be brilliant at everything but we have all certainly fou d areas that we excell and should allow ourselves to be proud of.
Margo I think that you are actually very good at what you do. You're a very caring person and come across as intelligent and capable. I believe in you, let youself too.x

while we're on positives (my writing ability today perhaps not one of them, bit tired) purple I think you're someone who goes out of your way to help those you care about. Your efficient and strive to do your best. I also think your very capable and thorough. You have a great deal to offer.xx

I can't forget you sleep, you come across as very patient and have a calming influence. The guidance and help you offer is priceless. You obviously take great care to support someone when they need it. There aren't many people who are ready to help others the way you do.xx

So it's like the Fighting novel night tonight

Margo it definitely sounds like you are very good at your job as Fighting says.

Is the work pressure pretty constant or are there peaks and troughs? If constant and its a source of anxiety then maybe you need to find a way to ease off, for the sake of your health and wellbeing?

If it is intermittent then consider how all of life is a flow - sometimes different things demand more of your time and attention. Things swap around in order of priority. Nobody can be all things to all people all of the time, by trying to be that you are diluting yourself too thinly and as you say, not being the boss/wife/mother you want to be, also leaving yourself wrung out and unhappy.

I think that looking after yourself, your children and your important relationships should usually be in the top three priorities in life, shuffling around each other, but sometimes work can push them out of first place and that is ok, providing it is temporary and they get your attention back when the pressure recedes. No lasting damage will be caused if this is the case (and indeed, DC's in particular can learn a good lesson that although they are important, they can't always command your immediate attention in life and they learn a little self-sufficiency too). Similarly, you must make taking time for yourself top of the list sometimes - this is for everyone's benefit, not just your own. A calmer, happier mum really does lead to calmer happier children and they learn by your example in this too - by having some time for your own enjoyment and relaxation you are demonstrating to them that you value yourself - not only will they recognise that value, they can value themselves in a similar way (DD's in particular emulate their DM's) so think about living and treating yourself in the same way as you would like to imagine your DC's doing so as adults?

Oh Fighting - I just saw your last 2 posts... - thank you, it means a lot that you say that, makes me ! You are doing a great job too, for yourself and others on here or perhaps just reading.

If you need a bit of extra help remembering why dieting isn't a good idea - (on an intellectual and scientific level, I know sometimes, even though you know rationally why you shouldn't do it it can still be appealing ), this TED talk is worth watching....

That was really good, thank you sleep.

Thanks for all your support. Only have a min, but wanted to say thanks. Am also processing how I let go of "being thinner has to be my goal".

That TED Talk is amazing, thanks sleep.

Will be back. Thank you so much.