Eating Disorder Recovery

[OhIFellOff]

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com

Hi purple, I do hope last nights sleep was much better?

I love the fact that the new job has identical skills, which already makes you an ideal candidate. Your preparation with the test is a wonderful idea. I know this will always be a nerve wracking time for you, until you have a decision but try and remember you can do this! You sound ready (I'm sure even more so when in person) and that's going to impress any new boss!x

Hi

Not had such a good day. The guy who interviewed me kindly drove nearly 50 miles to give me feedback on my interview I did to keep my job. He had to do it from memory as he needs the paperwork from hr but basically I didn't do very well at all. I am really upset and it has knocked my confidence. I have a lot of work to do to prepare for an interview if I get through the application stage. I really want to start working on it tonight but know my head is over thinking things so it wouldn't help to do it now. I just feel so upset and a little annoyed at some of the things. Basically I have to treat the interviewers as if they are stupid!

Going to try for an early night, hope I sleep and can make a fresh start in the morning.

Hope everyone having a good weekend.

That sounds very frustrating for you. Almost as though it didn't go well because you didn't 'play the game' rather than your ability and skills.

I agree giving youself tonight to try and switch off is probably going to be better. It's not the end purple, the meeting has given you pointers. You can only give your best which you know you will, your obviously a hard worker. The job is one opportunity, should it not work out how you want, you have a world of them open to you.x

He did say it is about playing the game not about who is best for the job. It's just upsetting because I put so much effort into my preparation. He said I came across as fierce and as if I didn't think I should have to prove I could do the job. I showed him the folder full of notes I had worked on to show him that it wasn't the case. He said I often said 'I do this all the time' which is what gave them that impression of me. I did tell him that I was trying to reassure myself that I could answer the question. You would think they would take into account that it was kind of a big deal and that people are going to be nervous. I really wish I didn't need to work!

Are these people you will be working for directly or are they just a selected panel?

They seems to be testing you. You have to play the game yet he drove 50miles to debrief. Certainly doesn't sound like the door has closed.

The question I would ask is...once you have proven you can tick all their boxes (including the ones given in the debrief) will the atmosphere calm down and be a pleasant place to work? Or will you be forever kept on your toes with anxiety? (I hope that makes sense)x

What a blow purple. I have lots of empathy with how you might feel. Negative feedback is a complete body blow to me, it is both mental and physical. It must have been a difficult meeting for you. Bless you for thinking about the feedback giver and his journey!

Firstly, I have to say you are very brave inviting (think you asked) for feedback. Many, many, many (inc me!) others would shy away from that.

Secondly, whatever the feedback you did keep the job, so you couldn't have been that bad.

Thirdly, it sounds from your previous posts that your boss thinks you can do the new role. It would be more challenging if you weren't good at your job but great in the interview IYSWIM.

Hopefully tomorrow you can take a more balanced view (if it is ok to assume tonight you aren't feeling balanced) and focus on what you can change/need to do.

As fighting says there sounds like there is some element of gaming playing you might need to get involved in too.

It is interesting what you say about treating the interviewers like idiots. I have just received my 2nd lot of feedback from a potential client saying they don't understand what I'd deliver in my proposal.

I wonder if there is some element of me (and maybe you) not wanting to 'push' myself forward, which therefore leaves my potential client (and those that are interviewing you) a bit unclear as to what you are capable of? Esp if you are being interviewed somewhere they should know what you do, it is easy to assume they know x and y etc.

Is there someone in RL that can help you read through your application etc? I find it difficult to ask and accept help (guess I don't feel worthy) but it might help you feel more positive about this?

Try to see this as a positive, you are now better informed than before the meeting. And I'd echo fightings point, this is an important and big thing for you, but there will be other things if it doesn't work out. It will be ok, as generally things are.....Big un-mnettey hugs.

fighting great you had a lovely day with DC1. I'd try to forget about the money, some things are priceless (as Mastercard would say!). Have you got all the stuff for school?

I was pleased that I called DH on some behaviour yesterday. He is generally very lovely, but instead of just stewing on it, I talked to him about it. Another step forward.

Staying with family at the mo. Have been happy with my approach to food. I chose to have porridge this am, which always sets me up better than the white bread or corn cereal on offer. It reminds me that I need to make the effort to do positive things like that, as in turn it encourages me to be kind to myself. One 'bad' act encourages me to think negatively and to not be kind etc.

Hope you have good Sunday & Mondays.

Sorry x post with my giant post!

I do think they are being a bit unrealistic to expect you & others in your department to not mention you are already doing certain tasks when they (your employers) have made you all re-apply for your roles! I don't suppose you were the only 'fierce' one....

I do also think they should have taken into account that these were obligatory interviews and different for when they are interviewing for a role normally.

Is there any chance of receiving the actual feedback from the paperwork? If he is interviewing lots of ppl I would question how good his memory is....I just worry that you could go off responding to non-accurate feedback.

MrsMargo you have such a great way with words.x

Good for you margot on speaking to your husband. It is sometimes the little things like that which make us take a backward step in recovery and facing it will help.

The interview panel is hr and the boss of the dept. I will get full feedback as soon as he gets it and he has one of my examples and is going to re write it so I know where I fell down. Although I did forget to say a lot of stuff in interview. I think my examples are maybe too complicated and I should keep them simple. The boss knows I can do it but the interview is based on a set of behaviours and apart from the question on the behaviour they don't speak. They just write what you say. Different people interpret things in different ways so you just have to wing it really.

I am also not good at putting myself forward like you thought so I do find that hard. I know I am good at my job and that I would be good at the one I want but I am finding it hard to really believe I am good enough which obviously is a part of bed.

I have just had a bath and I am going to prepare breakfast for tomorrow and go to bed and try to sleep.

Thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot.

It's great that you have addressed a problem with DH. The benefit to both of you are huge. Definitely progress.

In fact it sounds like work you have put in over the last few months is really paying off. (with your thoughts and habits) It seems like the choices are becoming more second nature. Well done.

I checked out the freelance board. It's been a help, thank you for the recommendation. If I ro post on there im likely to NC to keep the two recovery and business separate.

I made a bit of progress today too. We were invited to an event that I didn't really want to go to. Instead of just keeping quiet I told DH I didn't want to. We had a day at home and relaxed instead.

purple I know what not feeling good enough is like. Rationally you know that you are more than good enough, but the inner voice/feelings...

Despite some stunningly positive feedback over the past few weeks I always dwell on the negative comments. I was thinking about when a small child commented on my bum size and her mum did a rather smug/smirk face . To my dismay I realise this was 4 months ago (the last time I was visiting family)...yet the positive things don't really make a dent

Hope you are feeling better after some sleep? It does sound like you have some practical steps you can take to prepare etc.

fighting thanks for the nice comments about my wording. Like you, I do think about what I am posting (most of the time) so it is good they come across well.

And how wonderful that you opted to not do something you didn't want to do. I know to 'outsiders' it might not seem like much, but if you are like me I am guessing you were thinking about all the negatives of not going - offending hosts, others wondering where you are etc - but instead you put your feelings first and spoke up to DH and chose to do what you wanted to do. That is real progress - well done.

Thanks both for comments on speaking out. It was interesting as we didn't actually agree, but I felt better having voiced my feelings. It is sad that I think I have to keep quiet, despite being loud in lots of respects there are times where I just cannot voice it. Your comment fighting about wanting to shout about being about to eat the fridge really resonated. I wonder if I am so loud to compensate for not speaking out.

Been for a run this am. There is a lovely open space nearby and it was just me and the dog walkers.

fighting glad you found the Freelance thread helpful. I have over the years and I always try to 'pay it forward' and support people on there. If I recognise you I won't say. I post on both in the same name but I don't think (and hope!) that my business is recognisable.

Hope you have good Sundays. We have a couple of nice social things planned.

Ps. Purple if you have a smart phone have you tried to MN app? It is quite simple in design. The biggest downside is when you go to reply the posts above disappear so you cannot refer back. But I find it easy to use.

that isn't very nice of your mum margot. No wonder you struggle with things

I have downloaded the app. I don't like how you can't bookmark but I have flipped the thread so it saves me scrolling.

I was up at 6.30 today. I got started on my application and have sent it to my supervisor with some notes of where I am not sure. I have also done some work on one of my examples and sent it to the guy who did my feedback to see if I am on the right track. I don't have many clear days off between now and the interview dates as I have to go into work on a couple of rest days and getting hair done and shopping for a dress for a wedding so I want to get as much done as I can now so I don't have to rush if I get an interview.

What are your plans for today? Sleep if you are reading I hope you are enjoying your holiday.

No purple the little girl's mum, not mine! Sorry if I wasn't clear.

I suppose I was hoping for her to either look embarassed (as I would have done) or to ignore me but she kinda looked over whilst smirking. I am making too much of a big deal of it!

Well done for getting started on the application. Sounds like you have made good headway. When is the closing date?

Do you have a wedding outfit in mind? I bought a big print Kimono from Tesco and I am really pleased with it, it is flattering. However, you might want something a bit more special for a wedding!

We are off to see a friend who has moved away which should be nice.

sorry margot - reading back you were clear, I must have skim read!

Not sure what I am looking for to wear to the wedding. It will have to be something that covers my stomach area and the tops of my arms. I will know when I see it.

Purple you are on this job application in all the right ways. I'd want someone with your tenacity to work for me if I was an employer.

MrsMargo well done on the run this morning. It did sound quite serine.

I am stuck in the same place as you MrsMargo, only thinking of the negatives. I'm sorry that you had the experience with the child and lady. I just don't understand people who enjoy being unkind to others or step on someone's confidence to boost their own it's awful.

Thanks fighting your comments and support, as always helps. margot the closing date is the 12th september so I have plenty of time.

Hope you had a nice day with your friend margot.

Thanks for the app info. I can see chunks of stuff I missed on this thread with the mobile site playing up.

Well done on not going to an event you didn't want to fighting. Next time there is something I don't want to do I will remind myself you didnt go and try to do the same.

I am feeling pleased with myself today as despite my upset I didn't turn to food for comfort and have made healthy choices today so that's progress.

I have spent all day working on my examples. The guy I emailed a changed example to said it was much better and has re written another for me to show me how best to sell myself. I have 9 behaviours to evidence if I get an interview and I have 2 left to do. Once they are done I am going to send them to the guy that is helping me to see what he thinks. The feedback has meant I can see exactly where I was going wrong but I still find it ridiculous. Give you an idea of how obvious they expect you to be. If I said 'I unlocked the door' I would follow it with 'which shows I know how to use a key'. After all this work I just hope I remember what to say in interview.

I feel for you purple, it really does sound so frustrating to have to present yourself like that. Oh well, once it's all how they want I do hope they can see the effort you have put in. Staying off food for comfort is really great, well done. We all know these feelings of work related anxiety and their power to make us backslide. You're not and your tackling it head on, your doing great!

I wrote another blog post earlier as today has been a bit of a struggle with negatives. It didn't occur to me to until now that i didnt eat anything to get over it, which is good progress. I don't know if BED will ever go away completely or if it will be eventually be 'in remission' so to speak. I do hope that it will become something that 'was' a problem (for all of us). I think it's amazing how much we have already learnt about ourselves, not only our limits but our capabilities. Imagine how far we could go.

Well done to you too fighting . Its a good feeling knowing we are changing our behaviour.

Off to bed now. I have an early start tomorrow as having to drop my parents off somewhere. Hopefully when I get back I can do a bit more work then when dh gets up (he's a late shift today we can go off and do something if the weather is nice. Hope you all have a good bank holiday Monday.

Well done purple for staying away from the food. It would be easy to just 'go there' due to the situation. Even if you do further down the line, it is great that your immediate reaction was to not 'go there', something to hold onto in the dark times? Hope that is an ok thing to say. Hope you managed to get out today as you planned?

Saw your blog post fighting sorry you have a person/people in your life that make you feel like that. I think you are talking about a real person as opposed to "the voice in your head" (I think you probably have one, as I do!). Obviously you don't have to go into it further on here if you don't wish to but I wanted to acknowledge I'd read it.

Today has been very challenging. Our lovely DS has disappeared and been replaced by a mainly rude, demanding and disobedient DS. Not sure what has changed, him, us, his hormones etc. I am hoping it is the school holidays and he'll switch back once at school. It makes me question how I parent him - naturally it is all my fault! Although I think I probably expected too much from him, we needed to buy school stuff which included being in Clarks for an hour - yes an hour!

I also find it difficult when it comes to his food. He isn't fat but he is generally the biggest in a group and was on 86centile last time we weighed him. I was overweight by the time I was his age, so I desperately don't want that to happen to him. I hope if he can stay 'normal' until he reaches adulthood he has a better change of not getting fat later on.

He is completely obsessed by food. I just worry he is 'copying' my behaviour although he hasn't seen me overeat I don't think.

DH who is very slim said he was the same as a kid and was called the 'human dustin' by family - good job he didn't go onto be overweight, that wouldn't have been a nice thing to recall!

I just find it really difficult dealing with other people's food when my relationship with it is so dysfunctional. I do have some books on the topic but they are half read (like most of my self-help collection) maybe that could be my challenge this week to read one of them!

Hi, how was the bank holiday for everyone? We managed to have our quiet low key days.

Although saying that we are having the same struggle with DC as you MrsMargo. I'm holding onto a comment from a pre-school teacher, that school holidays always send the kids a bit loopy. An hour in Clarks can't have heped you guys though, it must have been a nightmare .

Thank you for the acknowledgment of the blog post. It was about a person and that can now be doubled to two. I'm doing ok though, hormones always make things harder to gloss over thr lack of moral support. There isn't much else I can do really. I talked it through with DH and feel better.

With regards to your worries with DC, does your DH share the same concerns? Also do you reconise anything ese in his behaviour that perhaps you had as a child? Myself and DH worry about the DC's following in the overeating. Due to this we have been making an effort to get out and move more. We're not naturally sporty people so it's work in progress but the bikes have been positive.

We have had to tighten the belt financially so shopping is now to a meal plan, hopefully that keeps me and DH in line too. I can understand the anxiety around other people's eating when we're juggling all that comes with Bed. I guess we jut have to be kind to ourselves and not expect to be able to control / fix it all. There may not be a problem at all, time will probably tell you more.x

How is everyone doing?

fighting sounds like you are navigating your way around the hurtful/ unhelpful ppl. It is sad they are like that. Well done for talking to DH about it. Better out than eaten - maybe our motto!??!

DS's eating. I don't think it is emotional but I guess it is hard to tell.

I did start reading 'How to talk to kids so they will listern & listern so they will talk', had started it previously.

And it focuses on the importance of acknowledging and allowing the DCs feelings which actually I don't think I am that good at. Ironic as I am basicallly doing to him what in part I experienced as a child

So that is changing of this week! Have already seem some positive reactions but it is work in progress. Thanks for your interest.

We meal plan and combined with online shopping has meant less money spent and less stuff thrown out. Hope it is going ok?

I have been feeling almost hysterical at points this week. I just have so much work on and virtually no time to do it. I am so tired in the evenings that I struggle to do stuff then.

DH has agreed to have the DC on Sat so I can work. I also managed to do a bit of planning this am which has helped.

Eating has been okish. I find the start of the week difficult usually as I am with a particular client so cannot progress anything else on my giant to-do list. That will finish in the autumn which I hope will mean I feel better about things/can cope better.

But there were no large mindless binges and I even found myself feeling stressed and saying to myself: "Eating won't help"....which is a step forward!

I also gathered myself enough to go to swimming and hilariously they are running a holiday timetable so it wasn't on! I did swim in the pool without being trained, so not a wasted journey.

It just reminded me that actually my actions don't really matter as much to others as I think. As there I was struggling over not going and it hasn't been on!!

How are last few days before school with DC going?

Hope all is ok purple and that work is ok? Did you recieve the formal feedback? Was it any help? Have found a nice wedding outfit?

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't been around, on holiday but now on the long drive back . I've had a lovely time thanks Purple. How are you today?

It's been so lovely to see you all providing each other with such great support on here. You really are doing brilliantly in being kinder to yourselves and recognising that a binge isn't going to help a stressful situation .

I saw this today and thought you guys would like a read-Purple it's relevant to you I know, it also ties in with you not going to the thing the other day Fighting!

MrsMargo I think you are right about people not thinking half the things about us that we worry they do, the truth is that most of the time everyone is wrapped up in their own stuff! As for the 'smug' woman-she deserves your pity, if that is the way she feels good about herself. Well done for sticking with the swimming, it sounds to me that it is just as good for you mentally as physically . How old is DS by the way?

Hi everyone.

Glad you had a nice holiday sleep. The journey home is always the worst part of the holiday for me.

margot it sounds like you are doing well with the eating and telling yourself it won't help. I try to do the same but it doesn't always work. Shame about the swimming but at least you did it - I still need to pluck up the courage but not quite there yet.

It's hard with the kids and not letting them see your food issues but you are doing well to try to ensure it doesn't get passed on. I don't have my own children but a dsd aged 17. I struggle to know how to handle her eating as her mum is very controlling in all aspects including food so when she is here and has a bit more independence she tends to eat loads of the same thing like 10 babybels. I don't make too big a deal of it but let her know she can't do that due to cost. I try to just get her to eat normally and have healthy meals with the odd pudding etc or the odd takeaway now and then so nothing is restricted but as a rule its generally healthy.

Thanks for the link sleep I do need to say no but it's hard. A supposedly good friend is currently ignoring me because I can't go to her hen weekend. We had a falling out a while ago but got past it as I tried to put some stuff she said to the back of my mind that was quite nasty. Anyway, I told her ages ago that because of my job uncertainty I couldn't go to the hen as my shifts were changing and I needed to keep leave back if I am down to work a bank holiday and get stood down. She asked me again the other day if I had sorted it and as I am applying for a new job I don't know what I am doing and just don't have the leave to take. She stormed off so I text her saying sorry and there maybe I had misunderstood but I thought we had discussed it ages ago. I also apologised for not being able to make it. That was 3 days ago and she still hasn't replied. I am fed up of her now, she is very toxic as I have come to realise and I am sick of it always being about her. The ironic thing is she is always telling me to stop doing things for other people and relax more but I guess that only applies if it doesn't involve her. I do ao much for her and recently really pushed the boat out for her birthday - very thoughtful present when it's mine I get what she would like , awesome cake and I paid for a meal for her. I have mentioned her before I think in here and I am coming to realise she isn't a good friend.

I have a job to apply for, interview prep to do, still visit and sort out stuff for my nan. Yesterday I got called into work early and did an 11 hour very busy shift without a break. I am tired and just need to start thinking about what is best for me.

Sorry that was long. I guess I needed to have a rant. Just getting ready for another shift now.

Hope you all have a good day.

Rant all you like Purple . You are doing well you know, just identifying those 'toxic friends' and distancing yourself, whether physically, or in the case of those you have to spend time with (such as your situation Fighting), putting that mental barrier there to protect yourself shows a better level of self esteem than immediately blaming yourself for their behaviour - Mrsmargo you are switching into self-blame a lot less too by the sound of it .

I am so looking forward to getting home, we have been away for 5 weeks, seems ages. Typically we drove for hundreds of miles through France and are now stuck in a massive jam on the M25 .