Eating Disorder Recovery

[OhIFellOff]

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com

Err I mean fighting not sleep in the quote at the top of my post not much reassurance if your name is wrong!

MrsMargo thank you so much for that really sweet message. It helps when people know what you need to hear. I'm just sorry that it's a situation you have too. You sound a lot further ahead in your acceptance of it all, which says a great deal about your strength.

I have been thinking the same as you pointed out, about putting too much on wanting things done ready for school. I decided last night (after being upset with DC1 going to school) that it will be better to slow down and just have quality time together. We won't get this time back.

I can definitely relate to the cycle and BED clashing. It's not the best combination is it. Have you have any tried and tested methods for making it a smoother time than hormones try to make it?

It's lovely to hear that you have another short holiday but it's even better that you are becoming immune DF's ways. That is a major change and achievement! .x

Hi

No worries. My rational self is accepting but the 'child' isn't completely healed and it comes up now and then. It is good that I am not as affected by DF but I am not completely relaxed around him. I am always on guard waiting for him to kick-off (he is a mix of emotionally unavailable/passive aggressive) I could see on holiday he really held it together when he wanted to sulk/kick off, which is good. Perhaps there is hope!

Glad you are giving yourself slack re the timeline. I think a Sept/Oct launch sounds good for a business, so many people are on holiday now etc. Have you thought about finding a network for support? There is probably a forum or group you could join? I have developed some 'peers' over the years.

Sorry you are feeling sad about your DC1 going to school. It is a big step (for you and them), but hopefully it will be a the start of a great chapter in their life. My DC1 goes into year 2 in Sept. He really loves school.

I do remember feeling that this time (prior to him starting) was special. As you are crafty could you make a little book together about this time "Before I went to school"...my favourite colour is....my favourite place is...? Or do something special just the two of you and take some pictures and craft a frame "Mummy and I's special day out" etc?

No tricks on the hormones beyond the pill. Maybe I should give that another go. I tried a pill which was due to help with my PCOS last time, it did suit me but I think you couldn't go on it for a long time. I am not 100% comfortable with the idea of the pill due to the hormones and maybe cancer link...but maybe I could do with a helping hand. One week at WW I put on 4lbs of water retention, so depressing.

Had a nice day today, however I ate too much whilst out. I definitely equate meals out with celebrating/not restricting/going OTT. I want to get to a point where I choose what I want but I only eat what I need. I ate a huge meal and then still had ice cream "as we were out". Worried about the message this sends the DC.

On a more positive note my running buddy is back, so we are planning a run. I am also going to give my swimming club another go. It as really trailed off with the holiday but I am still paying and I do need the exercise. I went 3 times a week for a quite a few weeks.

How was your day?

How is everyone?

Errrh. Reeling from seeing a pic of myself yesterday on FB. Look massive My outfit didn't help. Was also snug due to strinkage so spent all day feeling a bit restricted/aware it didn't fit. Trying not to panic into diet thoughts.

Also having dilema about my swimming club. Swim buddy is injured and it just isn't the same without her. It costs £60 a month which I could do without wasting...

However, the sessions are convienent, I do enjoy it when there and it is good exercise. I also like (when I go) that I don't have to plan exercise, just go to my sessions. I just really rebel against "having" to do something.....Plus I am overly concerned about what they (the coaches) will think of me having not been for a while. Next session is end of the week. Going to try to get to it.

Hope Wed is good for you.....

Hi MrsMargo, how are you feeling this evening? I was wondering, when you see the picture do you see what's there and the situation (eg happy time) or does your mind simply magnify any fears you may have of what the image may capture?x

With regards to the swimming, what makes you go? Is it something you absolutely want to do for you or something you think you should be doing? I ask because I too rebel against having to do things. Also your description of wasting the money was interesting, was that in general?
I would think if you turned up to class after absence, your instructors would be happy to see you and slightly proud you are back. It's easy to not return after any absence. I'm sure no matter how confident they appear, everyone attending a class is nervous on some level too, so you're not alone. Would the feelings after your wokout be drive enough to keep you going? If yes try and keep that in focus.x

Hello

Thanks for checking in. Managed to forget about the FB pic as the day progressed. But your questionning made me realise all I saw was me being fat, not a memory of a lovely day out. Also some element of the wider group of people on FB seeing me and thinking how fat I am.

Swimming. I went at the start of the year to help with PND and I'd damaged my foot (it is better now) and to accompany my swim buddy.

Not sure why I keep going. I do enjoy it and it is fairly hardcore (c.60 lengths per session) which suits me.

I just feel not going is part of self-sabatage....this morning I was lusting after a non-decaf coffee I think because I am trying to avoid them!!

How are you?

Morning . It sounds like the swimming is a good thing then. Would it help to think of it as 'my time' and something you allow yourself to escape the house and DC?

Why can't you have non decaf?

I hope today is a better day for you and the sun is shining.x

purple thinking of you. Hope things are picking up.x

Me time is good. It was that at first when I was on mat leave and with DD all the time. I guess I now have more stuff going on (work, social nights out) but maybe that is more of a reason to have some time for me.

I think I am also concerned they are going to close it (as it isn't that popular) and somehow that will be my fault. Although obviously going could stop this.

Amazing that I can make something that has even happened my fault!

Do you have a nice day planned?

Thanks for encouraging me to try to view it differently.

I just find caffine, or rather caffine in coffee makes me anxious. I can really tell when I have drunk it. I won't collapse

Sorry not sure that all made sense, the order is all wrong! Blimm' phone app!

Caffeine - I won't collapse if I drink it, but I feel better if I keep away from it.

I meant to finish with: Thanks for your support & do you have anything nice planned today?

Really don't worry about how posts are written. I generally think that if you have DC then something that resembles English is an achievement.

The coffee thing sounds like a good idea. Identifying things like that is brilliant. Not sure many people would have realised.

I don't know how effective it would be for me to say but sometimes I know having permission to let yourself off the the hook helps...if the swimming ended it really wouldn't be your fault. The community as a whole may not need it, so they would put efforts else where. Your attendance alone won't make or break the group. Only go if you want to and for the right reasons. There is no blame to put on anyone .

I do hope it comes across as encouraging. That's thr intention but after I worry that I'm being bossy or rude. That's one of my things, I worry about everything . Scanning my posts to remove 'I' references as much as possible is common, (already done this one) becoming a narc is a fear. I hate the idea of making someone else uncomfortable and being self obsessed.

Just about managed to navigate lunch. Hoping for a quiet afternoon but DC's seem to have other plans. We need a giant soft play area instead of a garden, that would solve a lot of issues.

Goodness, no your posts always come across as helpful and thoughtful. You only have to look at AIBU to see how some people reply.

I know what you are saying about being self-absorbed always thinking it is about me/us etc, I feel that too (about me, not you!) However, you are a long way from being a narc! You are too self-aware to be that....

I am going to try to go swimming tomorrow am I think. I need to get to bed at a reasonable time, as that makes it all a bit more feasible as it is very early tomorrow. And to pack my bag etc tonight. We shall see.

Thanks very much for listening to me drone on about it, not sure anyone in RL would want to listen to be deliberating as much over whether or not to go swimming! But it helps knowing you know how things like this can become so big in your head.

Hope you are having fun in the garden. I am working today, so no DC, but I am pleased I have stayed on track foodwise and also not over-promised to myself what I'd deliver, it is only 8 hours after all!

Thanks again for your support. I feel like you have given me a life-line just being there and understanding.

same here, It's great having someone who understands. I definitely know what you mean about RL. Even if I do try, I trip over words and it just doesn't come out the same way. I sometimes think of jumping up and down and shouting 'I have a problem and need support before I fall apart and eat tge fridge' may work better. Obviously I won't do it but makes me curious.

Hope work is done now. Good luck with the early night, summer makes it so much harder doesn't it. That and wanting to make the most of the evening we get.x

Hi

So sorry I have been absent. I have been struggling and didn't feel I could give bed head space as it makes me feel a failure.

It has been good to see some positives for you. It is strange how we are so similar. I also wear cardigans a lot to 'hide' and also worry that I am not good enough at things that logically I know I am. We all have to remember that it has taken years of us beating ourselves up about everything and that all these little baby steps, although small are helping us get to where we want. It won't happen overnight.

Good luck with the swimming tomorrow margot. And fighting I hope your photography goes well.

I have been trying to ignore the voice in my head that is telling me to calorie count again. I know it would set me back if I did. I have been trying to enjoy stuff more and stop the thoughts of my weight take away from the enjoyment. I had decided to spend Monday just doing nothing as dh was due to be in court all day but he got stood down so we went for a walk and for something to eat. I told myself that going out with my dh is normal and not a bad thing. We then had my 8 year old nephew for a couple of days which although tiring was lovely and we had a great time.

Today I was at work and the job really want that I have spent months waiting for has finally been advertised so I have to work on my application and arrange to spend some time in the department. It will mean doing it on days off but hopefully it will be worth it in the long run.

Anyway, hope you are having a good day. I will be back on here more often now if I can get used to the changes

Hi Purple, it's great that you feel up to coming back on the thread. You are definitely not a failure! This isn't somewhere to come only when your feeling on the up. As you say our journey's are to recovery from years of negativity and self doubt. We are all in that same boat and understand each other.

Even if you're still not feeling like yourself, it's showing in your writing, that the dark patch is lifting. I get the impression that you can be quite a happy person to be around (even if you may not feel it inside all the time).

Time with DH sounds lovely. Surprise extra days are always nice and family time too.

I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you regarding the job. You sound prepared and that can only make you look good!

What changes did you mean? Has the site been updated?x

Changes are on the mobile site. Having trouble getting used to it.

Ah ok.

I meant to say, rather than moving this thread, we are nearing the limit, it may be better to start no 2 over in E.D instead? I think from a couple of previous posts there may be some people following but not posting. What do you all think?x

That sounds good to me.

A quick one as I need to collect DH as tube strike means he is elsewhere.

Good to "see" you purple and that you are allowing yourself to do something 'normal' and nice with DH. Glad the job is now open for applications, not knowing is horrible but I guess there are now another set of worries re applying etc. Have everything crossed it will work out. How do you feel about it? Well done for staying away from calories counting, as tempting as it is, it just doesn't seem to work for people like us.

Fighting yes to starting a new thread in the ED section. Worth calling it 'Overcoming binge eating disorder'? It might help people that don't even realise there is such a thing? (I didn't until my early 20s).

Hope your Fridays are going ok.

purple your message from MrsMargo re the job, covered it much better, than my 'fingers crossed for you'. How has your day been?

I took DC1 out today just the two of us, it was lovely. Probably couldn't afford it but never mind, I very rarely spend much anyway, what better reason to be naughty than my lovely little DC.

Anyone got nice bank holiday plans? We're going for quiet after a week of chaos.x

Hopefully DH was collected ok MrsMargo.

The thread name change suggestion sounds like a brilliant idea. We can link to this one too (I say we because I'm no expert expert on these smart links. I even messd up my own at the start of this thread originally)

Typed a reply and it didn't post

Sounds like you had a lovely day fighting. Sometimes money doesn't matter.

Had a good day. Spoke to the boss of my dept and the new dept and she says the starting date is February but although she can't promise anything I may be able to go over earlier as I won't need the 3 month training course as my skills in my current job are identical. She also told me what the assessment centre involves so I have been doing on line typing tests and will keep doing them. I have also asked the person who interviewed me to keep my job for feedback so I know what my strengths and weaknesses are. The job I want is pretty much the same as I do now but on the phone rather than in person so the questions should be similar.

Off to bed soon. Didn't sleep last night as the job stuff going through my head. I'm working tomorrow so I need some sleep.

Have a good weekend all.