Eating Disorder Recovery

[OhIFellOff]

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com

Hello fighting thanks for your lovely supportive messages and for checking in. I was waiting for the perfect time to respond....and of course that hasn't come!!

Am ok. Overate last night after drinking but wasn't too bad. Think it was the glimise of my reflection during the night out.

I also think I sometimes just want to zone out from all the thoughts in my head....

But today has been ok. Have gone to bed early as I think that helps me generally.

How are you?

I'm ok now. The day had a bit of a down moment and it affected me quite a bit. I think I'm past it now. I haven't over eaten this week and training is going well, so my clothes aren't tight anymore. I had that holiday event where the clothes you fly out in are super tight going home. glad that's done now .

fighting Well done for coming through it.

Isn't it amazing (but not in a good way!) how much something (usually fairly small in my case) can knock you off course/make a good day turn bad. That shows progress though, that you came through it without food - well done.

Great that your clothes are feeling looser too and without having given WW any of your money!

I am wearing something that is a little snug but our washing machine broke yesterday so there aren't tonnes of choices.

What I have done is left my cardie at home. I decided my need for keeping cool/not having to lug a cardie I won't wear around is more important than worrying what others think/disgusting people with the sight of my arms etc. That feels like progress.

I am trying to talk myself around from a friend issue yesterday. I stepped in to try to resolve it (wasn't my doing) and it hasn't worked and I am left feeling that somehow it is my fault when it isn't at all!! I am going to just step back and see if any of the others will get involved. I know I sound about 15 with my friend issues, trouble is that hit me right at the self-worth/esteem part of me.

Heard back from the potential client too, not with a "yes we'll use you" but there is still hope I think. Anyway a response is better than nothing, it really prays on my mind if I am left hanging.

Let's hope today has less 'issues'! Have a good one, anything good planned?

Hope you are ok purple if you are reading.

Managed a run this morning! Was hard as it was hot by the time I left but I did it all the same. Pleased about that.

Hope you are all doing ok. Have good weekends.

That's brilliant! sounds like today is a good day.

We're having a family wknd so lots of smiles and fun. I'm not fussed about the food, no restrictions means I will probably eat better. I have the camera with me so until now it hadn't been in my mind.

purple how are you doing? I do hope the feelings you had are lifting. Thinking of you.xx

Hi everyone, sorry I've been a bit absent, was away for a couple of weeks where Internet connection a bit hit and miss. I just wanted to link this for you to have a read and see what you think about it, especially you Purple

Hello sleep Did you have a nice time? How is your youngest feeling about school? What about you?!?!

Thanks for the link, had a quick glance and looks good. Will read properly.

I have just started the Eating & moonlight book you suggested. Funnily enough I had just started wondering if part of the issue is how women are treated/respond to the world. I have noticed that it seems there are more o/weight women than men (big generalisation I know). Seems v good - so thanks.

My friend situ is solved thanks to me. I am trying to enjoy being the solver etc.

Hope you are both ok fighting and purple?

Thanks for the info sleep. Hope your trip was nice and you're feeling refreshed.

How has today been for everyone? I'm loving this summer, not being in my job is brilliant!

Glad you are enjoying not being at your old job fighting.

I was very upset to realise that my trip the launderette had ruined a couple of lovely new outfits, they are much smaller!

They are part of the clothes I bought with my new mindset 'I deserve to look nice, it is ok to try to look nice even if overweight'. I felt really good in them too, oh well.

Interestingly though I am being very kind to myself about it, normally I would have berated myself etc. So again that is step forward.

Didn't win a pitch yesterday too. Oh well!

Hope everyone is good?

MrsMargo so sorry to hear about the new clothes! It's definitely a situation that can lead to self anger. I think you have handled it brilliantly! Some time ago I saw a tutorial to help 'unshrink' clothes, may be worth searhing for (unless of course thy are now a brand new wardrobe for a doll type shrink? in that case perhaps selling them as 'one off designs for beloved dolls' ).x

Thanks. They are just a little smaller, which still gives me hope. Had thought about looking online, so thanks for the prompt. at dolls clothes, they would have had to shrink a lot!

Today I have had a really niggly feeling all day. I wonder if actually I am not as ok with the ruined clothes as I think....

Trying to identify what is wrong, think it is a mix of things mainly work. I did think a few times about going out to buy my 'drug' of choice during thr day but avoided that which again is good. Need to be careful at home on the sofa!

Have been thinking about how little I put myself first. Going to try to think about that when I make decisions.

How you doing? How is the training going?

purple hope you are ok.

The niggles in the back of your mind are so hard to shift aren't they. I wish I knew of a tactic to share but I'm stuck with them too.

It great to hear that your trying to get to the cause of what's bothering you though. Especially as you have also avoided 'the drug'. It all points to a healthier aproach for you. You're really doing great.

My training has been a bit lax this week as we had family over but will be back in tomorrow. I did catch a look at a photo of myself from the weekend and I had to turn it off. It was a bad trigger for self loathing emotions. It has subsided a lot after making edits I was happy with. With so much going on I'm feeling the pressure a bit now. Thoughts of weight watchers are creeping in, I guess to have a sense of control and get this weight off . I may need to.up the blogging to keep on track .

Sorry to hear of negative thoughts following the glimpse of the photo. Do you mean you edited the picture or the image in your head?

What is it that draws you to WW? Can you replicate whatever it gives you in some way?

Today has not been good. The niggle got louder. I ordered some replacement clothes for the shrunken ones. And only couple looked ok (not that I could keep them all) but not great. One a size up was v snug. So I weighed myself, 1st time since holiday. It wasn 't that bad (considering the holiday was 7 days of 3 large meals, loads of drink and not much moving) but it was a few pounds heavier. And then it is a home office day when I hope to achieve 100 things just because I am at home.

Oh well. I am trying to draw a line under it. Lucky I am going to do something nice (I hope) now.

I am v tired which I know doesn't help as I reach for the sugar.

Hope your training goes well.

Sorry that finished abruptly as my signal was going.

I also wanted to say I saw your post about wobbles about doing your own thing. I felt exactly the same, as do lots of ppl on the MN freelance thread when they start out.

I think you will only know if it is viable if you try it.

You are doing the brave thing, many wouldn't. Even if it does fail, who will judge?

Hi MrsMargo & purple. I've been having a think about some of Mrs M's questions re WW and my tendency to gravitate towards it.

When starting out I feel I am successful because I have a goal and I'm taking control. It would make family members happy and that equates being successful again in my head (stupid I know). What actually happens is one of two things a) I dont stick to it and feel a failure b) I do well but become frustrated that intial weight loss speed can't be maintained and I use the programme to restrict. This can go as far as barely eating.

It's all about control and the more stressed I am the more I want to do it. I haven't been the easiet person to live with these last 48hrs.(surprised DH hasn't lost his temper with me). The school start is coming too soon and I feel so much (self induced) pressure to to well with the business and I haven't even launched yet, just doing prep work. Holding onto positives is hard at the min as my brain is in negative overdrive. In two weeks I have had two job interviews (always worth a try if they come looking for you) one was offered on the spot (didn't accept) and the other I think would have been offered if not for parking issues. Yet I still don't feel good enough, that's not normal is it?

So that what's bothering me, probably not helped by realising my tiredness is illness today. Funny how it doesn't occur to you when running around after DC. x

MrsMargo I'm glad you ordered more clothes. Are you feeling positive about doing that? It's another chip away at that voice which tells you not to.

How is work going? Although I guess hows the weekend is probably a more appropriate question today . Purple if you were at work today, hopefully you are home now.x

Hi Fighting sorry you are struggling at the moment. Would it help to sit and make a list of the things that define success to you? What characteristics/experiences/achievements would be on it? If you imagine yourself in old age, looking back on your life, what would you feel proud or regretful about? Already I think you would be proud of taking the leap into starting your own business and following your passion, even if it doesn't work out. What else would be on there?

Hi Sleep. I agree with the items you say already on the list. I am a hard worker and willing to put the effort in, I just really fear people looking at my work and saying 'wtf, that's crap' .

I know a bit of nerves are normal but probably not helped by the silences I mentioned in the blog this week. They are from DM and I know what they mean . She asks what I'm doing, my plans and then nothing is said in response really. Would it kill her to talk positively, even a bit? I know she will eventually but true to form when I need her support she's giving off bad vibes. Funny thing is if I call her on it she will be defensive and claim she's supportive .

Ok so side tracked a bit there....what else would be on my list?

-Being there for my DC and making sure I brought them up to be self confident and know no matter what path they chose they were loved and supported.
-Knowing I made choices that made me happy.
-That I appreciated the life and opportunities I had.
-I had quality time with those I love.
-I used my abilities and progressed with something that made me happy.

• That I learned to know when I was in the wrong and changed my behaviour / thought processes accordingly. (not become a narc basically).
• That I worked to live not lived to work.

-Helped others when ever I could, in any way available to me.

If I achieved those then I think it would be a life lived well. I try to live by them now.

Ok so that helped me feel better. I know I won't know if I don't try. Perhaps I'll just crack open some wine when I post the pictures online. I definitely worry too much. I'll probably do it tomorrow to get it over with. I sound like such a drama lama, not said much of his out loud really as it feels like me, me, me. So sorry MN you get to read my moaning instead .

What do you know about DM's own upbringing Fighting? Anything that would explain why she is the way she is? You sound like you are doing a great job in breaking a chain of behaviour that could so easily be repeated generation after generation. You are giving your DC's what you missed (and continue to miss) out on. You should be so proud of that too. If you can work towards a point of forgiveness with DM then it will enable you to accept the way she is - it will likely continue to make you sad, but you can let go of trying to get something from her that you are unlikely to ever get .

Oh and on the 'wtf, that's crap'...as well as those who love it there probably will also be certain people that say that, you probably need to brace yourself for it..but that's because it's a form of art, which is by its nature highly subjective - it would be pretty dull if the whole world agreed on what a good painting, piece of music or book was . Someone not liking your photography doesn't mean anything about you as a person though .

Btw re your post about compliments, your DH is right, just say thank you then leave it at that. Then I'd suggest you also write down the compliment and keep a list for looking at whenever you feel the need .

Thanks sleep, for all your support. it means a lot.

My DGM is tough and doesn't do much in the way of support. So I know where it comes from. Despite her best intentions not to DM has followed in her footsteps a great deal. I have made good headway on accepting what is. I just don't know how to deal with avoiding these situations. Trial and error I guess.

With the photos I know it will be a mixed reaction. That's fine and to be expected, it's the worrying everyone will think so. DH has been a good help. He thinks they're good and pointed out I'm not presenting them to the worlds best photographers for comparison, rather people who may decide they like my work and want me to photograph their families. (was going to say shoot, not quite what I going for). I also accept the longer I do it professionally the more my skills will grow and develop. In the same way that 4 years ago I had no technical knowledge, just a passion for taking pictures.x

It sounds like DM is 'stuck' too in her way then. If you believe she loves you then you also know, on an intellectual level, that she probably did her best for you but because she never had the example from her own DM then it's as if she hasn't evolved emotionally to give you the support and tangible love you (quite naturally) still crave. Would it help - at the times you get that silence or lack of support-to try and see her as a little girl? And also yourself, because in those moments that is absolutely what we revert to (often same as when we binge eat, it is the child sitting down with all that food). Think of what you would say to the little girl 'you'...because it doesn't sound as if your DM is going to change, you have to change the voice in your head, from critical to encouraging/loving - instead

Yes that may help sleep. I will give it a try. Thank you.x

Mrsmargot my holiday was lovely thank you, now on another! It sounds like you are doing incredibly well, ditching the cardigan and buying nice clothes are fantastic steps towards living the life you want rather than waiting until weight is lost. To many people those things don't seem like a big deal but I know they are significant . And don't worry about the weight gain, it's normal to put on a bit on holiday.

How is everyone today?

Oh fighting I want to reach through the internet and say what it might be nice for your DM to say :"Wow, Sleep, that is fantastic. Using your talent and passion to start a business. Many wouldn't be brave enough, I am both proud and full of admiration. Well done and good luck".

However I know from my own DF and as sleep says, those words probably won't come from the person you want them too and that is so hurtful. I am just so sorry your DM won't give you what you need and deserve to hear..

I would echo sleep that photography is very subjective. You 'just' need to find "your" audience. This really could be the start of something amazing.

It does feel (if I may say) you are putting a lot of pressure on re the school start....would it matter if things aren't all sorted by then? If I was your RL friend I wouldn't find it strange that you didn't actually get sorted until your DC was at school.

I often keep an eye on the job market too. I think on some level it is about being wanted /needed/having external endorsement. However, I try to not spend too long on it as it takes up time and it makes me feel unsettled. It is good to know there are options but as a wise MNtter said to me "there will always be perm jobs out there. Now is the time to try your business."

It was interesting to read your thoughts on WW. I have the opposite feelings! It was mainly a time of frustration, feeling like a failure and not liking revealing to family how it going.

However, thinking about it after you posted I did work out that my most successful attempt was when I went on the pill. It was prior to my wedding and I wanted to control the really bad bloating that I get from my cycle as it would get me down as there was always a gain and then I'd worry it was due to overeating etc.

However I wonder actually if it helped my horomones too and thus helped the BED enough for me to slim down.

Last week I was probably ovulating and for a few days it wasn't good or easy.

Work is ok thanks. I got all my stuff sorted before another short holiday which was good.

Thanks for all the cheerleading fighting and sleeping it is SO helpful to have this thread. Am away with DF and can see that I am much less affected by his ways than I have been which is progress. Eating hasn't been great but I am thinking about it all which is also a step forward.

Hope your weekends have gone well?

Thinking of you purple, how you doing?