Eating Disorder Recovery

[OhIFellOff]

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

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I'm home. How has the weekend started for everyone? purple were you working today?x

Welcome home

So on reflection how was your holiday compared to previous ones prior to the blogging/posting on here?

My night was ok the other night in the end thanks. I had an internal chat with myself and reminded myself that I cannot do it all. I worked until 10, I chose to go downstairs and watch The Honorable Woman as I need to have some relaxation time prior to bed. I did also want to get to bed but chose the winding down as I felt that was more important. I feel all resentful if I don't get a break. I started working as soon as the DC were in bed.

I did eat a small lolly but I resisted the urge to have anything else which is good.

Do you have different levels of overeating? I do and I sometimes wonder if I manage to stop the big binges if I try to each more as mindless/un-needed snacks.

Good weekend thanks.

We are off on holiday.

I feel really positive atm. Like I deserve a nice holiday even if I am big. What you said about not wishing for a 'slimmer' time really helped fighting.

Obviously if I need a belt extension I might not feel as positive!!

What does your week ahead hold?

Welcome home fighting. Im at work now and will be here again tomorrow. Will post properly when not at work.

Have a good weekend.

It was a good holiday. I started with the usual eating strictly and all healthy choices but its wasn't sustainable. I relaxed and just enjoyed the food. I know I have put some weight on but it's not a big deal. I won't be eating the same way now I'm home so it will even back out.

It's nice to hear you were ok the other night, I like that you gave yourself some 'me time'. I can understand the feelings you get if you don't, its so important.

I definitely have different levels of overeating too. I know my weight problem is also linked to that, not just the binges, obviously highlighted in my lack of weight loss despite reduced binging.

Don't worry about the plane. Outbound I was a little snug but the seatbelt was fine. Returning it was about as tight as you could get and the seat was too small. So It's worth remebering; it depends more on the space allocated by the airline than anything else. When I sat down the gentleman next to me was, I'd say large but nothing exceptional. He moved to a spare first class seat to be comfortable. Not one person batted an eyelid on the flight and he strode confidentially. So perhaps it's our own inner voices that make this a big deal rather than others. Some people are uncomfortable as they are tall and other because they are short, unless your on a Virgin bed flight it's not great for anyone . Really I think my crying DC was what made people notice me, rather than if my arse fit in the chair. Your plane is just a way to get you and your family to a happy and relaxing place. Have a wonderful time and do what ever makes you happy.

I hope you dont have to work too late purple.x

Just got home. Off to bed as back in at 9 tomorrow morning. Then after work I have a cake to make and decorate which won't be fun in this heat then bbq prep for a bbq we are hosting on Monday. I have to have everything perfect so put a lot of pressure on myself!

Purple don't put so much pressure on yourself - your friends are coming to hang out with you and DP not to critique how perfect the food is, if you ended up telling them on arrival that you got caught up with something and it'll have to be a takeaway then I'm sure they wouldn't care . Think about your most memorable meals/evenings, do you remember the details of the food or was it the company and the crack that made it so good? Good friends and laughter can make even a mediocre meal taste amazing, but it never works the other way around .

purple how are you feeling?x

Im good thanks fighting. Long day at work but got home and got the cake baked. Just got to decorate it now. Looking forward to seeing the finished product.

How are you doing fighting. Hope you are feeling positive now you are back from your holiday.

That's a long day, hopefully you're sat on the sofa.

I'm ok, did some cleaning and made a to list today so that I feel organised. I bought in sensible food and plan to go for nourishing. Tomorrow will be my first time on the scales but it's just a formality as my weight will naturally drop now with a 'home' diet. I have a lot planned to keep me occupied, eo it's looking and feeling positive.x

Cake finished. Thought you might like to see a pic.

Being organised is good fighting. I tend to overeat more if I am not organised. So it's good you are doing that and feeling positive. X

Definitely love to see it. I will have to log onto the desktop site in the morning, on phone now.

Things are more positive in general. A lot of that is because of the support I get from you purple, MrsMargo and sleep. As MrsMargo mentioned last week, Sharing with people who understand how you feel is a big relief and support. Thank you ladies.

I hope you all have a good day tomorrow.x

Glad you get support from everyone fighting. It's the same for me. I don't talk about it much in real life.

Well, have been up since 8 getting everything ready for the bbq. Typically after days and days of boiling hot sun we are getting showers here. But the gazebo is up and if it rains we have that and the house so it should still be a good day.

Probably won't be back on here today so will catch up tomorrow. Have a good day everyone.

I am suffering today. The bbq went well, everyone enjoyed it and we all were sat around laughing and joking. The food went down well with everyone but I spent so much time sorting out the food for everyone else I didn't really eat myself. I had just 2 vegetarian sausages in rolls and a few flat breads all day so and didn't really notice I hadn't eaten much. I had a fair bit to drink but didn't really feel even tipsy until the very end when I seemed to go from relatively sober to very drunk. So today I am feeling sick and have a banging headache. I feel a little better after a shower but I don't think I will be doing much today.

But we had a lovely time so it was a success.

Sorry to hear about the hangover. (The heat probably added a bit to the headache, so you can let yourself off a bit).
It's good to hear it was a success, you obviously put a lot of effort into it.

I'm in bed early tonight. I went back to the gym for my first session since before the holiday and had a great time. The jobs list I created is being ticked off quickly too. Keeping myself busy is working. It's getting me moving and feeling productive. Today was day two of eating nutritious again and it has been really good. I feel like whatever bad lapse I had before is definitely over and I'm back to being me .

Hello

Well done on the party purple,the cake was lovely. I am sure everyone appreciated your efforts. Hope you were able to enjoy the fact you'd done a good job etc? I know myself it can be easy to overlook the bigger picture stuff and think about "If only..." etc. Hope the headache went too.

You sound really positive fighting which is great - well done too. A return from holiday can leave you feeling very different. What do you do at the gym? Cardio? Weights? A mix?

Having a lovely holiday. Annoyingly the MN app doesn't seem to work on my phone and I find the mobile site hideous to use, but I gave up the opportunity to sleep whilst the baby did for DH to go instead, so I asked for some alone time before dinner with my laptop in return! There is a work thing that I need to progress, but also wanted to get on here.

The plane was fine, thanks so much for the reassurance fighting, it gave me much needed comfort before my flight. I haven't needed to use an extension belt before, but I think I read a thread on here which was probably made up! about a cabin crew member screaming down the plane "Extension belt needed here". And I didn't need one and the plane was fine.

I have also felt more accepting of myself than I have for a long time. I do feel a little self-conscious at the buffet time, but I do accept (with my rational head) that nobody is really worrying about me and what I am eating.

I have allowed myself to eat what I want and actually that hasn't lead to madly over generous portions. When we came here previously we tended to start with a salad for starter, then a main and then a pudding. We have started with a main and then had pudding which I think has made for a more comfortable meal, no need for Gaviscon for either me or DH!

Interestingly the only time I thought about overeating was when I took DD for her nap back to the hotel room. I think it just occured that I had the opportunity (and a bag of chocolates in the fridge) but I didn't do anything beyond thinking about it.

Hoping this message posts. Thinking of you both a lot. Hope you have had a good Wednesday?

Hi MrsMargo, reading your post was lovely. I was wondering if you would be ok. I hope the journey with small DC was gentle enough for you. It's so nice to see you sounding relaxed with yourself. Hopefully that will keep your eating at it's current calm state, you're doing great! ( I like that you bargained for MN time too).

When I go to the gym I do mostly weights and a bit of cardio. It used to include running and cross train plus swimming. Now I'm listening to my body (specifically my knee that is struggling with my weigh probably due to too much high impact training whilst overweight too) and doing swimming only for cardio. Being back in the gym and ready to train was brilliant last night. I had such a good time, which really highlighted to me that I'm past my relapse. Training is just for health and no events now, it's like a treat again rather than a chore.

Today is day three of nutritional eating. It's good to be back .

Hi fighting

Your gym approach sounds good especially as you are putting what you need first rather that listening to any voices in your head of "I should be doing xx" etc. Glad you enjoyed. I think exercise gives me much more than just the chance to burn calories. Not that I have done much this week! Have been reading a running magazine, but not sure that counts!!

Well done on 3 days of nutritious food. I know myself what an achievement that is. How has it been since Wed?

Have been thinking about body image a lot as I am surrounded by lots of bodies at the mo. There is a real mix here of all shapes and sizes. Many of whom are wearing bikinis (the women that is :)). I am trying not to get into judging mindset as it isn't nice and it just makes me think others are doing it to me but it is clear (from the superficial outside) that many of the people here don't have negative body images, or I guess that is the case?

But it did make me question have I ever liked my body? I recall being at secondary school and thinking "I am overweight, hairy (have PCOS) and have dandruff, what have I done to deserve this". Some of this wasn't helped by my mum who refused to allow me to shave initially even though I went swimming a lot. I have vowed with DD if she needs & wants any "maintenance" support I will help her to help herself.

I know the real issue is on the inside and perhaps if you aren't happy with that you will never have a good body image?

I did also think back to your comment about not wishing away my time here for some mythical "when I am back and thinner" time. How different would being here and being thinner actually be? Not that much really.

I just look at 6yo DS who is not at all aware of his body in any type of critical way and just feel pleased for him and hope he stays that positive about it.

One final thought. Last night was a deadline for something work related. It hadn't really mattered to me until I realised there was a deadline. So I was sitting on the floor of the hotel room in the dark at 10pm trying to do the required things. In the end I gave up as I didn't have all the info I needed and I was tired.

Although I wasn't overeating or thinking about it (there was no real opportunity I have to say!) it is the sort of thing that would lead to it as I didn't manage to do what I feel I ought to do. Even today I am still thinking about it. It is annoying.

Anyway, my internet connection is about to die. Wishing you fighting and purple good weekends if we don't catch up. Hope to hear how you are doing soon.

How is everyone doing?

Not great today. First day back to work. Set up huge expectations of what I can achieve in a mere day and funnily enough didn't manage it all:(

Also a potential client has gone quiet. I take it so personally which is ridiculous. Steeling myself to call them tomorrow - much prefer email!

Hope I haven't killed the thread with my long epic posts!

MrsMargo you definitely haven't killed the thread! I'm so busy trying to get examples done for the business. Plus the to do list, it's mad but I'm liking it.

It's nice to know you got home ok. I can understand the feelings of needing to reach high goals. Being away from our safety net of home can make us anxious to get back there fast. I've battled over exercising and restricting since I came home. I'm just editing at the min, but will come back when I'm done. Thinking of you and purple, hope you're ok too.x

Hey margo and fighting. You haven't killed the thread! I have been staying away for a few days aa struggling and have been feeling ashamed. I have beenmmaking bad food choices and I ache like I always do when I am too heavy so I have been trying to avoid thinking about it by staying off the thread :(

I am a late shift tomorrow so I will prepare the days food before work which should make it a bit easier. I have been doing well in the day when I am day shift but it's when I come home that it goes wrong.

Thanks for the reassurance! Sorry, shouldn't be so needy!

Glad to hear you are getting stuck into the business fighting. Hope it is going well. Sounds like it might be a good distraction from overeating.

Sorry to hear you have been struggling purple. I find evenings really difficult too. Shift work is meant to be a challenge to routine/your body clock, so it must be worse with BED. Sounds like preparing your food is a good tactic. Do you actually enjoy food? I don't really...it is so loaded with emotion. Hope today is a better day for you.

I often feel 'hungover' the day after binging, as if I didn't feel bad enough :(

I have started making myself go to bed as a way of coping. Part of the attraction to hanging about downstairs on my own is the access to food.

Have set the alarm at 6 for the past two mornings but funnily enough I haven't managed to get out a for run. We are trying to juggle holiday childcare which isn't as easy as the breakfast club etc, so I should probably not worry about the running until I have a less full on day. "You cannot do everything....you cannot do everything". Repeat, repeat, repeat etc.

purple huge hugs. These dips are so hard to face head on. I'm glad you gelt able to share that your struggling. We understand how you're feeling and most definitely don't judge you (although the disordered eating comes with that voice telling you everyone will). On here you can be just you, you're completely accepted, good day or bad day and the ones that fluctuate in between.
Maybe sharing anything else that you feel may have contributed, could help to break it?x

MrsMargo I wouldn't say it's needy at all. I think we all get a source of support here that we can't elsewhere. When it goes quiet, our natural state is to worry we have done something.

It does seem that the people I talk to regarding eating disorders share similar personality traits. We are all very self critical, put others first and often lack confidence in our own abilities to succeed. We're not needy but hqve just not put ourselves first for so long / ever. It leaves us feeling quite vulnerarable. That's the things we are trying to change, food just happens to be an external symptom. The up side is, we absolutely can change these things with work and changes in life. It will be up and down, rough and a long battle. But you know what we're not at square one anymore. We chose to tackle our problems and we are already quite a way to that goal. I see you both change in your writing and what you're doing. Purple even the bad days, you're far more positive and pull out much quicker than before. MrsMargo you're putting coping mechanism in place when you feel a binge arriving. You're both doing great and just as you help me, I will be here for you. Some days I read and run if I'm busy and some days I can't face chatting but I'm always here. You can both PM me anytime you want to chat privately.x

How are you both today?