Eating Disorder Recovery

[OhIFellOff]

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com

Thanks margo. Hope you are having some good days. I got some comfort shorts so thanks for mentioning them.

Are you back from holiday yet fighting? Hope things are going ok.

I'm not going swimming today. I just can't face it as I am too self conscious. I have only just got up as couldn't get to sleep last night but I have put my gym stuff on and going on the treadmill to do some walking (I have a home gym). The thought of going swimming has really been playing on my mind for the last few days and I have been getting wound up at the thought of feeling exposed. I know it will set me back.

I've been reading the eating in the light of the moon book sleep recommended and it is good. It's made me realise already that food isn't the problem but why I eat that is. I would definitely recommend you getting a copy. Of course it will take a long time to stop what I do completely but understanding it better is definitely a good start.

I am going to try a new recipe tonight. Stuffed peppers with mixed grains in and mozzarella. I will put some chicken in dhs.

I have meant to be doing a pleasure diary but I just haven't had time to do something nice for me above reading which does give me pleasure. I was going to do my nails etc but as I have been working I have been rushing around doing food prep for work. If I took time out before work for stuff I wouldn't have had time to prepare healthy food and I figured I couldn't risk just grabbing food from the shop.

I have been working on building my core strength to help get rid of the back pain I get when I put too much weight on. So I have been doing some planks - which I hate!!! I can't do them for long, and weighing what I do its a lot of weight to hold up but it's better than not doing it and I will get better.

Going to have breakfast and then go out to the treadmill. I used to put the incline right up to burn moreccalories but I'm not going to do that now. I will doa slight incline and take my ipad out so I can watch something while I walk to stop me getting bored! I should be able to do it for quite a long time. My back pain has eased over the last few days which is what has been stopping me do it before.

Hope you all have a good day.

Hi, still away. Had a busy few days and just enjoying DC nap time . Things are less stressful here now. My eating is pretty bad but I have moved thoughts onto what I want to do when I get back, which is a positive.

I want to not get really tired, feel comfortable in clothes and not worry about my health. I am grateful to be on holiday but looking forward to getting home. I sooo want to be healthier. (and maybe miss my own bed too). purple I am so jealous of your home gym!

Where did you get the comfort short purple, was it the same.place as MrsM? Glad the book is helping too.

hope your all having a good day.x

Hi fighting. Glad you are having positive thoughts on what to do when you get home. I bet in the past you would have found it hard to get into that frame of mind so it's a step forward.

I love having a home gym. It does make it easier as I am less self conscious exercising. I did 40 minutes on a 3% incline. I did sweat a lot and my feet hurt a little bit which is inevitable with the amount of weight on them but I know that will ease.

I actually got the comfort shorts on amazon. I am a lazy shopper and it makes it easy to shop on there.

Hope you enjoy the last few days of your holiday. X

Amazon is like my best friend, actual shopping is something I avoid at all costs! I will be looking when I get back as I'm loving dresses now.

Well done on the walking. 3% sounds tough! Just getting on there takes will power so it sounds incredibly positive.

You're right, I would have struggled to get out of a bad frame of mind and just spiralled out of control with eating. so perhaps this is just normal overindulgence on holiday rather than a slip back.x

MrsMargo I just re-read your post about your mind finding things to beat yourself up about. I can sympathise with that. It's hard to battle and stay positive despite it. You do sound quite strong in your post at the moment. Do you feel that way?x

I've been thinking of setting myself a little goal for next year - doing the 5k race for life. I have always set myself unrealistic goals before like doing a half marathon then restricting food and over training which of course we all know is unsustainable. So I was thinking that if I aim to do the 5k, it doesn't matter if I walk it, run it or a bit of both but make it more about feeling comfortable with my body and not pressuring myself to train like mad. Does anyone else fancy giving it a go?

sleep what do you think? Does it seem like a good idea?

I have to say I am feeling so much more positive today because I did a little bit of exercise. Last night I was so tired and all I wanted to do today was get up, go to the shop for binge type food and spend the day eating. But I am so pleased I didn't. I feel like I have made a proper start to healthy living now I have done the walk and that I managed to refrain from going too mad and over exercising.

I think it sounds great purple. Slow & steady and for health. im definitely ready to statt training again when I get home (although the first trip may be hard to do). I still meed to look at getting rig of my ticket for the other event. Hopefully I can get a refund.x

After some thinking today I have come to the conclusion that; setting goals for myself like events is as harmful as clothes size targets. So I will cheer you on purple and do my best to just be healthier. I need to be smaller because I'm wrecking my body.

I feel comfortable saying that and changing it but anything bigger and I will set myself up to fail. It's quite a relief giving myself perpermission to not do something, so that seems the right track for me.x

Hi purple, you are doing some great things, well done . On the swimming, don't keep thinking about it, tuck it away in the back of your mind and have it as an option for exercise each day you have time, so you can think 'I could go out for a walk, do some stuff in the home gym or go for a swim' - no pressure, just a choice. One day you may be inspired to get to the pool but there's no rush. When you do think about it though, think of the positives, how the water will feel lovely and cool in this weather, the soothing repetitive motion of swimming and the pleasant, physically tired (and proud) sensation afterwards.

The 5k...I'm not sure, if it will be something for you to help focus on fitness and nourishing your body well so that you can make it stronger and healthier, rather than slimmer then yes, it could be a good idea, but be very clear about your motivation. How would you feel if, for whatever reason you have to walk the 5k? If it is, as fighting says it is for her, a source of pressure and stress, then avoid it for now. My instinct is that it is best to enjoy exercise and movement for its own sake, experiment a bit with different things, enjoy getting stronger and fitter that way and appreciating what your body is capable of.

fighting you are right, almost everyone's diet is less than ideal on holiday. How long do you have left? Can you use it as a chance to eat anything you want but try and slow down, really taste and enjoy it? It's hard to binge slowly and if you are going to eat 'bad' things anyway, at least get some pleasure from it

Well done purple sounds like a good day. So much of your post resonated with me, I know what an achievement it is.

I agree with fighting and sleeping that some goals bring pressure. The thing with Race of Life you could probably enter a few days before if you decided that you wanted to do it. Would that be a compromise? "I might do RfL next year, and I will enter much nearer the time". Avoids the big looming date....

Also re the BED not being about eating. I agree completely. It almost feels to me that "it" could be anything, it is just the release/relief I am looking for.

However, I have worked out with myself that sometimes actual hunger is in there and it all gets a bit mixed up. So I try to eat lower carb foods and eat something every 3 hours. I don't always stick to this but I feel better when I do.

fighting you sound positive too. As sleeping says there are few people who don't let go on holiday.

I am feeling ok at the mo, thanks.I think I have done a couple of things recently that have really helped my self-esteem and I am wondering if that has had a postive impact.

The first was to challenge my friend over her behaviour that really upset me (inspired by this thread and advice from fighting). I am not actually sure when I have done that recently, so pleased. I haven't heard back from her but I had pretty much given up on her anyway, but I feel SO much better for having told her.

The others are worked related. I have one particular regular client, they pay less but it is guarenteed.

And basically they need more support than I want to give them and it was resulting in crazy hours (getting up at 5am to work) yet I constantly felt like I wasn't doing a good enough job. I have beem seeing a coach and she helped me see that I need to remove myself from the client.

And since I gave notice I have felt much better. It feels like I have listened to myself and decided that I am worth more than running myself into the ground.

The coach in general has helped me challenge my people pleasing and over delivering nature.

I have to say though, this thread (even though I have only been on it for a few weeks) has been a massive help. So thanks to all 3 of you for sharing and inputting (and the others up thread). Sharing the challenges of BED with others that understand is so so so helpful.

MrsMargo is so great that you feel comfortable here and you are taking positive things from our chats. So many good things in your last post about improving things for you, its lovely to read! Your coach sounds like a great source of strength building.

I only have a day left sleep. I am quite concerned about my weight now. Being very short I do not cope well with my size and I'm definitely feeling the stress on my body. Before we came here I was doing well losing weight slowly and now I have put on more. Would it be bad to follow WW pro points for a month or two, to get some weight shifted a bit quicker for my health? Mostly to keep portions in check?

purple apologies for the delayed reply to your question.....my business will be photography mixed with some craft. Its something I've wanted to do for a long time and my job ending has given me the push. I need flexible employment for the DC and working for myself will hopefully give me that. It may even help wih the eating as I won't be in an environment where I am judged and hiding a lot about myself. (job I just left basically ended because of religious beliefs, as in I wouldn't sign up to theirs). has to be healthier to be out of there!

I will spend the next few weeks getting samples together as I want to get it off the ground after DC1 starts school, to give him my full attention. My dilema is that in order to share my work both on the blog and in RL I would probably out myself and I don't want to do that as its a safe place for me. So I may need to do specific photos just for the blog and keep them separate.x

fighting I don't think you should start on the restricting again. As you said, you were losing weight before your holiday so something was going right - the holiday was a bump in the road (after the other big bump with work), you are due a smooth patch . I think you will also be wrapped up with your new business plan and loving it which will help you feel positive.

Trust your body, work on identifying true hunger (as Mrs says) and nourish it well, also try and spot 'false' hungers and think about what they are really all about. You know diets haven't worked before, don't go back there!

mrsmargo the things you are doing to reduce the people pleasing and looking after yourself will definitely be improving your self esteem and as a consequence, helping with the eating. I'm going to find another extract from the book Purple is reading that describes the connection much better than I can....

here we go...on 'non-physical' hunger

'in order for a woman to recover from disordered eating she needs to discover the deeper meanings of her hunger, so that she can realise that her desire to eat compulsively may be speaking to her about her greatest heart's desire that remains unfulfilled; her tendency to stuff herself may be an attempt to stuff down 'unacceptable' or 'troublesome' feelings, her need to eat continually may be a reflection of the constant emptiness she experiences in her life; her obsession with having zero body fat may reveal a desire to hide her curvaceous femininity....as long as we interpret our non physical hunger literally, we will attempt to use food to satisfy it, and we will remain hungry forever.'

also and on emotions...

'Women who struggle with disordered eating tend to be more frightened of their feelings than most. They have learned to mistrust their bodies and ...the language of emotions. To keep a safe distance from their bodies and feelings they distract themselves with activities of all kinds and with constant thoughts of food. Anything but letting themselves feel. They live 'in their heads', allowing their intellect to dominate, keeping their feelings at bay. Sadly, many fail to realise that our feelings can provide us with some of the most powerful keys to self-knowledge and recovery'

and on assertiveness...

'When a woman communicates passively she says yes to things when she wants to say no, and no to things when she wants to say yes...Her choices are guided not by what she feels and wants for herself but by the needs and desires of others. ...her sense of her authentic self, who she really is, gets weakened. Lacking a connection with this deeper self, she is in touch with only her outer shell, the most superficial aspect of who she is. She strives to appear 'sweet, nice' accommodating at all times at the expense of her sense of self; her self-esteem, her self-direction and her self-confidence....eventually she begins to believe that how she thinks and feels really doesn't matter....finding herself on a path... that drains rather than nourishes her, she turns to food for relief, for sustenance, or solace. Eating becomes a vain attempt to feed her self esteem....'

bliidy hell sleep that hita home. the second paragraph is exactly how I feel and act. It's quite sad and did make me tear up. I so hope im on the right path to ending that side of me .

I will stay off the diet and see if being home and as you say busy with photography helps me eat more normally.x

sorry for spelling

Wow, yes sleep that is very good. I think I might get the book. I was resisting due to my overgroaning self-help bookshelf already but that does sound good - thanks v much.

fighting the business sounds great. I would agree that keeping your business and your personal blog separate is a good idea. Your online safe space/support is really important, and actually it might be nice to have a non BED related online presence where you are "just" a business person? I know that I find it helpful to be anon on here and have my professional side where I never mention BED/troubles. The audience of your current blog could be different to those that will buy from you? So it should be ok to have 2 sites?

I also agree with sleep however logical it seems I don't think a restrictive regime is the way to go. I am sure you (as I have) have tried it all before. And I am guessing like me you know what you should be eating. Trust yourself you can do it, as you were before the holiday. You (and I) don't need WW, Slimming World etc.

I do have tonnes of empathy though, I will feel the same in a couple of weeks time when I come back from my 'all inclusive' holiday. You can remind me then that restricting isn't for us!!

Hope you have all had good days? DH and I have just finished sorting out paperwork which we haven't done for years and it feels good to have tackled it.

Good to see you are not calorie restricting fighting

I have news. I mentioned before I had to reapply for my job but that I didn't really want to keep it as I wanted another role as my job means a 5 grand pay cut. I found out today I have retained my job so pleased I was good enough to keep my job but a bit gutted I can't do the other job. I am keeping my fingers crossed the other role comes up soon and I can apply for it.

Tonight I have been to the pub with a friend and had food and wine. I have tried really hard to not think of the calories and accept it is a normal part of life!

MrsMargo well done on the paperwork, it's a relief when it's all done.
purple thats great news about the job. Hopefully your relieved of a lot of stress worrying. Also I hope you feel proud of yourself, you must be very good at your job.

Thank you all for your support, it's great and it really does help me.xx

purple that sounds like a good outcome for now? At least you aren't waiting. Is the other role likely to come up or do you not know?

Glad you had a nice night out too. As you say life has to carry on.

Having an ok day. Am now home alone which can always be a danger time, but trying to avoid by staying upstairs. I feel anxious as I expected that I'd be able to get 100 things done today and everything has taken longer etc but I think I'll be able to get the essential things done. Not meeting my high standards just feeds the self-doubt/negative feelings I have.

Went for run this am despite my running buddy not coming after a night out, so that was good.

Hope you are all having good days?

MrsMargo how did the rest of your evening go?