Eating Disorder Recovery

[OhIFellOff]

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com

Oh Fighting - I'm sorry. However you are feeling is 'right' . Just remember that you are no less important than you were before you heard the news.

Thank you sleep.x

You and how you feel are important fighting. Yes it's something awful and devastating happening to someone else but it also affects you. Your BED is still a real issue and don't think you and your recovery is not important. Sorry to hear about your news. X

thanks purple. Having you guys means a lot.x

I thought I'd share a more positive update. With your help sleep and everyones support, I have stayed off the 'diets' and tried to just be healthier. I weigh myself on average once a week and my weight is gradually dropping. It fluctuates as you'd expect but there is definitely a difference in where I'm generally sitting. I will stick with it as I still want to do this properly. So thank you for helping me to stay on this journey, I couldn't do it without you all.x

Well done fighting. It's good to hear you sounding more positive. It's a slow journey but the destination will be worth it. X

Hi all

Sorry to hear about your DSF fighting. But as everyone else has said your feelings are just as valid after the news.

Glad you are feeling more positive. Are you having more positive days than challenging ones?

Sleep interesting point - what is the feeling? Firstly the thing - a DP of a new friend (I'd never met him before) took it upon himself to be the disciplinarian (verbally) of DC that were out with us, including my DC and a couple of others I was looking after.

It was a fine line as his older DC were copying my DC/the ones I was looking after, but I think we both had a different view on what is acceptable behaviour. I am not lax, but I also don't want to spend all day nagging my DS (6) for basically being a 6 year old DC, choose your battles etc.

I didn't say anything as a) I wasn't sure how he'd react not knowing him at all and b) I didn't want to cause a scene on what was meant to be a special day out. I suppose I was left feeling a bit powerless and also guilty that I wasn't sticking up for the DC in my care. The DC didn't that bothered to be honest, so I am sure it is more about how I feel about it. I did mention to the parents (who I know very well) just in case something was said and they were reassuring.

Unfortunately his tone was rather reminiscent of my DF (where a lot of my self-esteem issues come from) when being stern which meant it was all rather uncomfortable for me.

I find it very very difficult to give feedback that might be taken negatively.

Anyway I have written about it and shared on here now (thanks for listening) and talked to a few people and I am finally moving on from "it". The good thing is that I avoided reaching for food in direct relation which is good.

How were your Wednesdays?

MrsM well done for not reaching immediately for the food . Even more well done for stepping back and identifying what emotions are going on. Sounds like a big step forward to me! It's interesting that you pinpoint the similarity between your friend's DP and your own DF. How is your relationship with DF now? And do you know much about your DF's own childhood? Can I ask, if it is possible for you to say now, at the moment when you wanted to reach for the food, how old did you feel inside?

Thanks sleep.

Relationship is ok. I see my DP a lot. Ironically he is a fab Grandad

When I am being a rational adult I can see he is a product of his weird upbringing - secretive and unloving parents. When I am feeling less so it all still hurts

Have spent ££££ over the years trying to understand it all. But the reaching still happens...

Yes I was transported back to childhood on the day out.

Are you a threapist? You seem very switched on. Sorry if this was mentioned elsewhere.

I am an Eating Psychology Coach Mrs - hopefully helping a bit here, cheerleading from the sidelines .

Being able to recognise the moment when you click back into being a little girl is good - then you can try and give that child what it is that she needs in the moment. It's so tough with parents isn't it. As you say, understanding why they were or are like they are is a big step forwards but it doesn't necessarily stop it hurting. Also, accepting that your parent(s) can't or won't give you what you needed as a child (and even now) and forgiving them can be a very long and difficult process but it sounds like you are making good progress .

That feeling of not speaking up when you feel you should - it feels horrible because you aren't being true to yourself, so it's a kind of betrayal and it's damaging to self esteem. The danger of that of course is the comfort/punishment that food then provides...something to keep in mind next time you feel hesitant about saying something negative or not wanting to cause a fuss .

Fighting - I saw your blog post mentioning me - thank you . Also your one from yesterday. Sounds like you are having a stressful time so its only to be expected that you will feel low. How are you doing today? I spent a fair portion of yesterday and the day before in tears as my youngest is leaving nursery too, I have taken all 3 dc's there over the course of 7 years and I am so sad about the end of an era - very bittersweet.

MrsMargo It's great to see you! I hope today has been ok.

Sleep I'm feeling the same with nursery. I nearly cried doing pick up today. I will be a mess tomorrow at pick up. I've done my best to help DC1 see this as a positive and happy event. last working day tomorrow too so I have fried my brain today trying to get things where I want them. Pretty much done. I will try a pop back later when I have had a break to stop head spinning .x

How's everyone doing?

Hope you are all having some good days.

I had my interview to try to keep my job on Wednesday. Not how it went. I ddid ttell them I wwanted to momove jobs to another department which at the moment I can only do if unsuccessful keeping my current job. It's all very complicated. But they are looking into it. If I can go to the other job it will free a place for someone else in my current role. Worst case scenario I stay where I am. I am stresssing but trying to not comfort eat!

I am also giving up diet coke from tomorrow - I know I will get headaches!

Ah Sleep, the one form of help I haven't yet tried! Haven't heard of a Eating Psychology Coach before, you seem very perceptive. It is nice of you to give your helpful input.

I took the lead from your post about the consequence of not speaking out (never thought about it like that, avoiding a scene/worrying about a reaction to speaking out has always been my focus) and have addressed something that upset me a lot a few weeks back. Haven't heard back from the friend, but had already decided that it might be the end for us, but at least I let it out. I feel better about it. So many thanks.

Prior to reading this thread I had strung 3 incidents together where I felt upset about something and was developing a dialogue in my head that it was because of my behaviour/attitude that these 3 friends (independant incidents) acted not in the best way. It was only reading this thread that made me think "Hang on, perhaps actually it is them, why are you trying to find a way to make their behaviour your fault!".

Think I am going to leave the incident from Monday as I should have addressed at the time but have vowed though to challenge that sort of behaviour next time - not that I really want to see him again but that sort of behaviour in general.

Sleeping & fighting - sorry to hear of the distress over saying goodbye to the nurseries. I think they hold such lovely memories or both the DC and you, it is only natural. I felt wobbly last weekend as DS (6) told me he is too old for his Fireman Sam toys and that we can sell them. He was FS mad, so it seems a big step forward.

Perfectly well done for getting through the interview. When will you know the outcome? Is there any way of looking at it that will reduce your stress? I guess you could see it as out of your hands for now? However, I know that feeling of something hanging over you, fingers crossed you find out quickly.

Good luck with giving up the Diet Coke. I have cut down a lot (we never have it at home etc) but still have it occasionally. I am sure it is rubbish for us. How much do you drink now? Would rewarding yourself with something for xx days Diet Coke free work? A 'paint & shape' of your nails or a new xx?

How is everyone today? I am currently enjoying some peace and quiet while DC's nap. Day 2 if the holiday and it been nive so far. I probably won't be able to come on much until I get home. Thinking of you all though.x

Have a lovely holiday Fighting

Yes happy hols! Are you abroad somewhere?

Am ok. Feeling big crammed onto a train. Also aware lots of people are wearing strappy little items of clothes whilst I am covering up.

However, I had a good meeting and the train is on time depsite the fact it was delayed so DH doesn't have to dash back to get the DC from school. Trying to focus on that.

Have a restful break.

Ahem...without wanting to seem bossy, as the thread's resident coach, could i ask you all to please post on this [http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2131238-we-are-always-so-hard-on-ourselves-what-is-something-you-LIKE-about-yourself?pg=7 fab thread]? A great exercise for all of us ED's or not!

doh - try again it is here I won't be putting 'good at posting links

I posted it last night sleep. It's a great idea and a good marker for assesing my progress. I had nice things to say about myself, something I couldn't do a few months ago. Thank you for sharing it with us.x

How is everyone doing this week?

I have been doing well with food so far this week. Being with family is a bit tense so I will try to keep things on track. Easier said than done mind.

Well done Fighting I know your family is challenging for you .

I have to recommend an amazing book that I am half way through at the moment. Eating in the Light of The Moon. For anyone battling with weight, dieting, anorexia, BED. It has some great and sensitive insights into the many reasons why food and body becomes the focus for other issues and how to approach recovery. Fighting I thought of you in particular (knowing a little bit of your history) when reading the 'Mother as Archetype ' chapter:

"...some women whose eating is disordered felt disconnected from their external mothers at a very early age because they were....simply not available to them in the ways they would have liked. Others felt smothered and overwhelmed...because of these experiences , these women were not able to develop adequate "inner mothers". Their inner mothers are very young, and like most young mothers, very unsure of themselves. Their response to requests for nourishment can be very confusing. One minute they are overindulging, the next withholding and judgemental. This gets played out in the woman's relationship with food, which acts as a metaphor for all nourishment.

These women need to develop an inner mother that is more mature, one that has a sense of balance and cares for them with a loving hand without being excessively indulgent....who supports instead of judges their feelings..."

bugger, I wrote a long reply and lost it . will try again later but the book sounds good.x

It sounds like you are doing well fighting. Stay strong. X

Well done Fighting.

Am doing ok.

Just feeling hyper aware of my size, especially in this heat. I know that life won't magically become wonderful if I were slim but I just can stop thinking about it. Keep wanting to get on the scales, but know that it won't help matters.

Have a holiday coming up which is nice in someways but I am also disappointed in myself as I am bigger than when we last when there (although I have had DD since) and I had promised myself I would be smaller on the next holiday.

Yesterday I was desperately trying to buy some additional holiday clothes online. And was thoroughly depressed to see the beach section on the plus size store is called "Cover up". I thought yes that is exactly what I am having to do.

Anxious that the seat belt won't do up on the plane too.

This is all relevant to me as is part of the BED cycle: feel fat, feel bad, eat, feel fatter, feel bad, eat etc...

However, haven't had a real o/e session this week which is good. However, wasn't really hungry last night and ended up eating (modestly) when I could have probably left it. Went out for a run at the start of he week and meeting a friend tomorrow am to do the same, so feel good about that.

MrsMargo I am on holiday now and I can honestly say it's been a lot easier than I expected. Buying clothes before I left was much nicer because I found the experience at Yours store really pleasant. (Their sale is on so some good bargains and send vouchers all the time!) Since we got here its been mega hot and I have lived in shorts or swimming costume. Tonight I went out in a dress (no leggins even DC asked where my leggings were as i must wear them so much) and ignored worrying thoughts that I was too fat to go. It felt good to not be sweating for fear of other opinions and just focus on the night. There isn't one person who I know there that matters to me, so why should I care what they think?

I was nervous about the seatbelt on the plane, turns out that was unnecessary and it was fine.

I would definitely try and ditch the promises to yourself to be 'slimmer next time' it's pressure we put ourselves under, setting us up to fail. I'm loving being happier for me definitely try and aim for that instead. Once we love ourselves more the rest will follow.

Staying with family has been hard at times but I removed myself earlier when it got too much. Giving myself the freedom to be me has kept the binges at bay. I can eat what I want here but I still use the 'nutritious or less nutritious' guide. Had some treats but nothing that is worryingly overboard.x