Eating Disorder Recovery

[OhIFellOff]

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com

The yoga and dance sounds great, much better for you than running (before I get jumped on for bashing running, I say you as in you (Jokers), not necessarily everyone ). What else could you do for yourself do you think? Could you keep a journal perhaps, get the feelings down on paper, a bit like fighting's blog but private?

I match my mood to my nail colour. People who know me can see how i'm feeling and the act of painting them relaxes me

Love the nail thing Jokers

fighting, you are very quiet! no blogs lately - you ok?

Hi guys, yeah I'm ok. I took a break from everything, gym, blogging, socialising. I needed to stop as work has been awful and I was getting out of control with anxiety and stress etc. I'm almost ready to get back into things. Thanks for checking on me.x

How is everyone doing?x

Hi Fighting - good to see you, are you feeling better? I know Purple is still on her holiday - Jokers, Running - are you still around?

Hi sleep, I'm not doing too great but hopefully things will calm down soon. I have a holiday to look forward to soon, should be a nice break. How are you?x

I'm good thanks , what did you decide about taking a break between jobs?

I've got to crunch time with that. It's an option in a couple of weeks to leave or I sign a temporary contract for 3 months. trouble is I'm the only one left and will have to pick up others work. had meeting today and there is nothing else in place to cover the extra work. Which worries me as its already been chaotic and stressing me out.
I feel nervous if I leave as I've never voluntarily left a job (ok not quite that way as my job is finishing, but it feels like it). We would get by and I can take temporary work when school starts. it would be tight but doable. I stupidly feel ungrateful for thinking about not accepting the offer from the people who are ending my job eventually.

Not that the money is the important thing, but are they offering to pay you substantially more for picking up the work of several people? They obviously need you and if anything, they should be grateful if you stay (and the pay should reflect that). They aren't doing you a favour, it's a business, hence the redundancies. They owe you only what you are contractually entitled to and you owe them...nothing - you've worked hard and been paid, it's all fair.

Can you look at the offer as if it were a completely new job, would you want it?

sleep you are absolutely right and I will read that a lot more over the next week. No I don't want it and I am going to leave. they weren't even considering a pay rise and I already get paid less than I'm worth. I asked and it will be considered over the wknd . DH agrees I should leave as it's undoing all my work on recovery. I have the next two weeks to tie up so I feel happy I left my company in the right state. Thank you for such a wonderful messageâ?¥

Xx

After making my decision to leave I've been much happier. Being organised is easier and I'm loving family time instead of stressing about work.
I definitely made the right choice as the 'Fighting you will show me what to do' has started already! when I pointed out that my work load was already full and I had one person to train, they ignored that and stated I will do it next week. I'm incredibly nervous of telling them that I've changed my mind about signing the temp contract. It won't go down well as I think they were happy I was going to do everything they needed and keep them going until they didn't need me any more. Quite callous really as the same illegal conditions would be applied to my future employment becoming permanent once temporary contract was up. But they are perfectly happy to not include those conditions when it suits them. Basically they need me and what I can do until I pass all my skills onto them .

Sounds like you are justifiably Fighting. If you are feeling happier now you have made the decision then it sounds like the right thing for you to do. You are trusting your instincts, trusting in fate (by making the leap in to a level of uncertainty about the future) and being true to yourself by recognising your value and your priorities (in particular your health). All if that will be a big step forwards in your recovery IMO, it shows how much your self esteem has improved and will increase it further when you actually tell them you aren't going to take their offer.

How was your weekend Jokers and Sleep?x

Purple I didn't forget you on your sunny hols. It just occurred to me that you may lurk while on holiday, if you are I hope you're feeling happy, relaxed and content with your family. xx

I thought I'd give an update on where I am with the eating and emotions. The last two months have been horrendously stressful and tiring. The longer my work situation dragged out without any conclusion or information the harder it was to hang on to my recovery plans. About a month ago when the blog started to get a bit quiter I had slipped back so far, I wasn't sure if I could consider myself recovering, rather more relapsing.

I recognised that and took a break from as much as I could. I have been to the gym once in the last 4 weeks. Contact with RL friends was reduced, even online and I gave myself permission to have free reign on food. It's not been a happy time with my anxiety at an all time high. I let the house get messy and couldn't bring myself to do normal things. Writing this I am shocked that I was willing to stay on at work and let these feelings go on so other people were ok.

Although it was a pause on recovery, it was a good choice for me. I've fought every day to supress the thoughts about family and those around me being disappointed in me. The event in November has been a big failure in the back of my mind. Some days I want to do it and try for it. Others I tell myself to forget it and use back injury as my excuse to others for not doing it. The pressure to be there is quite negative, I wish I hadn't told family I was doing it. Making it through one (although well meant) lecture on how I should eat better and sad looks at my figure in shorts was enough to confirm my worries. Trying to keep those judgments at bay so they can't fuel my addiction to food is hard but I'm trying to keep mental barriers in place.

Time to myself has been a good healer. I tooed and frowed whether to stay at work. The money is needed and they need me. It wasn't until I asked myself what I wanted to do and gave myself permission to make a choice based on that, that I made up my mind that my work place has become toxic and I needed to leave. It's been great! I had no idea how miserable that job was making me because I'm really good at it. Sadly I am also really great at making sure other people's needs are met often at my own expense. That has to stop! I was sad knowing working the temp contract would mean extra time away from my babies. What was I thinking letting them have that?

So right now I'm heading forward again, very slowly. Trying to eat right, get back to gentle excerise for health and my needs (no one elses) and making me happy. Yesterday I tidied the house, I've already done some today. Organisation is a good sign and that's happening at home again. Parts of me that were missing are coming back possibly from before the work issues too! I will keep you posted on how my announcement at work goes.x

Fighting you should be very proud, you are doing so well. Recovery is a long road and it's unlikely to be smooth sailing all the way. Focus on nourishing yourself now, mind, body and soul. Eat and do what feels good for you.

Re the race, it was always ambitious (I would describe myself as very fit but would be daunted by it!) and you got injured. I really don't think anyone will think anything about it if you don't do it, what difference could it possibly make to them? The pressure is most likely self imposed on that I think? Would having a different physical goal make a difference? A 5k race perhaps?

Who gave you the lecture re eating Fighting? Sounds like whoever it is can push your buttons . What are their attitudes/beliefs about food and body (their own and others)? Why do you think they are like that?

Re the food and nourishment I am working on a question basis. Is it healthy or unhealthy? Will it make me ill? hopefully the happier I am, the easier the choices will be. I need self confidence for it to work, fingers crossed getting creative and following what I want to do will boost that.

I won't announce that I'm not doing the race until close to the time. You're right the pressure does come from me mostly but family members would be vocal about not doing it .

The lecture was from a family member. They mean to be helpful but lack a great deal in emotional awareness. Sadly a strong contributing factor in how a lot of the family function. I wanted to tell them I have an eating disorder and relapsed but they would look at me and just not get it. It would be easily fixed to them as I just eat too much and don't move enough (which is fact, I accept that). They probably wouldn't accept there was any more to it. 'I wouldn't let myself get addicted to anything' was said by them once. Ironically this individual is a workaholic but doesn't see it . It's was expected so I was a bit prepared. I just limit my time with them now because nothing I say will change anything.

This recovery stuff is hard emotionally. When I'm not doing so well after a good patch it really knocks me, leaving me feeling like I'm some sort of fraud. I wouldn't judge anyone else that way but changing how I see my own self worth is proving harder than I expected. I frustrate myself sometimes. The support I get from you lovely ladies and DH is wonderful. In fact he mentioned not staying at work first. He accepts me just as I am which is great.

Fighting would it help to change the labels you put on food to nourishing/less nourishing rather than 'healthy' or 'unhealthy'? Almost any food can be nourishing - at the right time, cake or takeaway can be, because it can make you feel comforted and soothed. The trick is recognising when that is genuinely the case and when we will still feel just as sad and empty (or worse) after we have eaten it as we did before, because that was not the type of nourishment we really needed at that time. Most of the time what is nourishing will be the things you label 'healthy' because they will make your body feel and be healthy, but I think there's a risk when you label something 'unhealthy' you instantly attach a moral judgement to it that then passes on to yourself if you eat it...does that make sense? It's another version of good/naughty food?

Yes that makes sense. I will give that a go, as I definitely struggle with pressures on myself to achieve external expectations.

Well I just got hungry and put it into practice, choosing peach over biscuits.x

sleep you're the positive voice in my head lately. I really appreciate your help and words of encouragement.xx

I'm really glad Fighting .

Hi girls. I'm back from my holiday. Sorry to see you have been having a tough time fighting. You are doing well. I know it's hard to accept that sometimes.

I feel quite relaxed after my holiday. I have returned very brown. It was extremely hot in Egypt. I have never experienced weather that hot before.

I did have a few issues on holiday withthe heat and my size. I took some lovely dresses but the first day my thighs rubbed together and were so sore that I couldn't wear them. I then tried some shorts and they were really tight so I had to leave the button undone and wear a belt. I do think that was from bloating a bit with the heat. I tried getting more shorts there. Extra large and they didn't fit. I was gutted. I know logically that it is just bad sizing but in my head I was just thinking how fat I must be!

I went snorkeling but was very self conscious in just a swimming costume in front of people while waiting to get off the boat. Nearly everyone there was lovely and slim wearing bikinis. It was hard to cope with.

I don't think I put on weight. I was really worried about that and not being able to fit into my uniform. I have tried my trousers on and they are fine. I was sick after nearly every meal and some days didn't eat all day so that is why. I think it was the heat rather than food that made me sick.

I didn't take my phone or go on the Internet while I was away and it was lovely to just relax and not think about things. I did miss coming on this thread though!

Although I had a nice time I really don't like Egypt. I would never go again. We got hassled so much every time we went out.

On the way back - an evening flight we saw a lighteningstorm fefrom above. It was strange but such a fantastic sight. We didn't get home until 3.30 and were up early yesterday so were very tired.

I woke up today feeling refreshed after an early night. I went out on the treadmill and did half an hour just incline walking. I had a healthy breakfast and just had a healthy lunch. I am off out with family and going shopping for some nice healthy food for later. I am determined to not go mad and over exercise and restrict my food like I normally would.

Sorry that was so long. I think I'm just glad to be back!