Eating Disorder Recovery

[OhIFellOff]

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com

Do you really think you will feel better if you comfort eat? Imagine it..what - the chocolate (that you don't even really like), or the crisps, which you do, but you are eating them not because you are hungry but because you want to take away the pain of the comment? You know they can't do that. And you will feel even worse afterwards. What else can you do that might make you feel better, now or straight after work?

I know it won't help so I won't do it. It would be easier if I wasn't at work as having to bottle it all up.

Purple ...I don't blame you feeling deeply hurt and upset by the comment - anyone would be. You've had CBT....can you try and observe the feeling, know that it will pass, acknowledge that you won't feel like you do now for all time? You don't have to force it away with food (which will only act as a temporary anaesthetic anyway). You are a good person, what that woman said has no reflection on your worth.

Im annoyed with myself for getting upset and re enforcing in my mind that big equals bad.

That's not your fault, it's a judgement we're taught to make by society and it's crap. You know it's wrong, don't reinforce it by comfort eating, it would be a form of self harm . Think of it as your first challenge in making changes-you can do it.

Thanks sleep . I know you are right.

Imagine looking back in a day or two on today, how upset you were, knowing that you managed the feeling, got past it, without using food. How will you feel? Proud, pleased, empowered, happy?

I hope I will feel pleased.

How are you doing purple?

Hi purple, I hope your home now and feeling better. You deserve to be, as some daft bints mindless comments are just that, mindless. A comment based on someone elses opinion, isn't a truth lovely.x

Im home. I have had tea - a salad with cheese and egg.Had a bit of a wobble and started crying after tea. I spent all day concentrating on not getting upset.

Anyway, my dh could see I was upset. So when he asked I started with the tears. I then told him that I think I have a disordered relationship with food and I can't just stop. He sort of understood but has seen me losing weight and happy so I think he thinks I can easily do that again!

And the woman who made the comment wasn't being nasty she was just describing me as she saw me.

Purple it's ok to cry now, cry as much as you need to now you are home. Only someone with granite like self esteem wouldn't have been upset by the comment, even if it wasn't meant to be malicious.

Dh is going to bed early as he is on an early shift. I have decided to go at the same time and read or watch something on my ipad so I am not tempted to binge. I told him this and bless him he has said he will stay up longer if I want.

Why don't you cuddle up and watch something funny together for half an hour or so, then go to bed together?

I've just made my lunch for tomorrow. Going to cuddle up in a minute before bed.

Earlier when he was listening to what I had to say he did say he would help me and that he knows I won't be happy with how I look for a while but that he is happy with how I look and he always will be.

Made it through without a binge so am pleased about that.

Still finding it hard to eat slower but I am doing my best. It will take time to re train myself.

Hows everyone else doing?

Well done to all of you in recovery. I have had a daughter with severe anorexia (now doing very well) and wrote a blog about it during the very hardest times. I thought you might like to read it to gain an insight into how your eating disorder impacts on those who love you in the hope that that will give you extra strength to stay on the right road.

It is anorexiamummy.blogspot.com

Well done Purple . Try and think of the slow eating like sex-the occasional quickie is great but usually, slow and sensual is much better . It's about trying to rediscover pleasure in food as well as all the other stuff like recognising satiety, better digestion and metabolism etc.

Ps your DH sounds fantastic.

He is sleep.

mum will have a look at the blog when I am not working.

Thanks mum I will have a look too.x

mum that is so touching. Really really touched my heart x

Thank you mum - it sounds like you have had a horrendous time, so glad your DD is better.

How has everybody's day been?

Finally weighed myself and i'm a half stone off my minimum weight goal, 1st off actual target. A bit sad about it but i'm not surprised at all given whats been happening. Dp upset about it, not cos of the actual weight but cos it signifies how sad I've been. He hates seeing me sad.
I just can't see a way to put it back on though - I look at food and feel a bit repulsed by the idea of eating it just not hungry at all. But I have no energy for exercise either. Good that I can't exercise, bad that I have no energy at all.
Had highlights done in my hair but i'm not as blond as is like, now have to wait 2/3 Weeks for more blond. Its not crazy blond - more like clear honey lol.
I hide behind my looks and i'm feeling kinda exposed without my blond bits. I know I've still got my makeup and nails and my hair still looks ok but even missing just one little bit I feel exposed.