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Original poster

Eating Disorder Recovery

999 replies

OhIFellOff · 18/03/2014 16:47

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com

OP posts:
runningLou · 23/04/2014 14:13

Arrrgh, nightmare week at my mum's. My sister's anorexia is making mealtimes a total minefield of angst and guilt. I know most of it is in my head, but I hate the way she sits and stares at the rest of us eating. I feel so judged. DH says it's just my perception ... I keep wanting to eat in secret, which is not good as that's how binges start, but I just cannot relax around her and food. Got up early this morning to have breakfast before anyone else was awake, but found myself jumping at every noise. Have not binged here as yet, or indeed consumed any Easter treats my mum and sister bought me. Am focusing on cooking my own meals, which I'm sure is really annoying my mum ...
Cannot wait for Saturday night and to get back into my routines at home!!!

JokersGiggle · 23/04/2014 14:59

Oh poor you!
I've found changes to routine the hardest, but feeling judged (even if it is in your mind) must be awful.
But it must also be hard for her - she prob feels judged for not eating! Any way you could talk to her openly? I'm sure your fears/feelings are almost identical!

Today i'm trying to book a driving test - i'm so stressed. I don't like driving very.much but my instructor says i'm really good. It's the waiting I hate. But my theory pass runs out in December and tests are taking 3 months to come through so I only have time for 2 attempts!!! Sad Sad Sad im great at worrying lol!

Had some cramping last night but so far nothing else - berry is still aboard the uterus ship!

FightingBed2014 · 23/04/2014 15:00

we're here anytime you need to offload running. just on school run, but wanted to say I understand how you feel. just dropped DM at the station today and it's a relief we can get back to normal.
You're doing fantastic cooking your own meals. I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable eating around your sister, its sounds very stressful. Will you be able to talk to your DM about how your feeling?

FightingBed2014 · 23/04/2014 22:03

How has everyone's evening been?

runningLou · 23/04/2014 22:34

Awful - went carb and chocolate crazy :(
Tomorrow is another day ...

FightingBed2014 · 24/04/2014 07:19

running, today is indeed a new day. Don't be too hard on yourself, I can't imagine the pressure you're under right now at your mums. but try to remember it is temporary, you wil be home soon.x

JokersGiggle · 24/04/2014 12:53

Soooooooo bored!

FightingBed2014 · 24/04/2014 13:11

I have a couple of DC that will keep you occupied. Oh and loads of cleaning, since I'm ignoring it and having a break on the sofa. (crying watching This Morning with Denise on). So what time you coming over? Grin

FightingBed2014 · 24/04/2014 14:08

You ok jokers.x

JokersGiggle · 24/04/2014 14:44

Oh sounds good! I'll be over asap!
I've cleaned, cooked, ironed, walked the dog 3 times, exercised my horse, cleaned the tack and now i'm just so bored. Thought time off would be good but i'm going mad!

FightingBed2014 · 24/04/2014 17:30

Could you go see a movie, go to the library or book a massage?

JokersGiggle · 24/04/2014 20:33

I got loads of Mills and Boon books on my kindle and just sat and read Smile

JokersGiggle · 25/04/2014 14:38

Hi Ladies - everyone head over to the relationship section "my friends put me in a difficult position " and advise me!

FightingBed2014 · 25/04/2014 22:46

I wouldn't know what to add other than what has already been said jokers. It's sounds like a very difficult situation.

JokersGiggle · 25/04/2014 22:59

Feel awful. Now I just have to deal with it in a positive way. I'm glad I was never open about my relationship with food to her.

FightingBed2014 · 26/04/2014 16:26

Jokers how are you feeling today?
purple thinking of you.
running hope your visit is going ok today.

sleep if your about can you tell me if what I have eaten today, is along the right lines please?

Breakfast - small amount of almond & raisin granola, dried fruit and almond milk. (all we had left in cupboards, been shopping now)

Lunch- Tuna, baby leaf salad, cucumber, tomatoes, pickled beetroot raisins with e.v. olive oil and a few mixed seeds.
water

snack - boiled egg, oatcakes and hot salsa.
Small glass apple juice.

dinner is yet to be decided.

JokersGiggle · 26/04/2014 21:07

That sounds yummy, think I'll steal your lunch and have it tomorrow Smile

Feel better today, still upset as she's texted in the night and all day saying loads of really hurtful rubbish but I just haven't replied which has been hard. Not surprisingly today has been a bad food day - I've had little bit of ice cream for breakfast, soup for lunch and one cupcake and some apple pie for dinner.
But tomorrow is a new day so I'll try again.
I'm seeing my mum tomorrow which i'm excited about, we live close together but our diaries just haven't meshed lately. Just got to hide being PG as the last MC broke her heart and in the emotional upset I told her about the others that happened before I told her. Paranoid she'll find out, she really wants grand children (been nagging since I was 16 lol) but seeing me in pain or upset breaks her heart and I don't want to upset her.
dp working which isn't great as I I feel kinda dizzy and spaced out. Called him but he's really busy tonight so just had to leave a message. Kinda worried as the beginning of the end started each time with dizzy. I'm prob being paranoid. Am I rambling? I think I am. I'm going to go now. I feel ill.

Sleepwhenidie · 26/04/2014 21:33

Oh Jokers sorry you are going through all that on top of worrying about your pg. I was in a similar position years ago, the best friend of my bf at that time was having an affair that began shortly after his engagement to a lovely woman I was good friends with through bf. I had to sit though their wedding and comfort her after a mc whilst knowing the whole time what he was up to - horrendous but I was a step removed from where you are, and without the complication of baby and paternity Sad. I'm worried about how stressed you are getting....

fighting - food looks pretty good Smile. Most importantly though, how did you feel on it? Ideally there'd be a bit more protein at breakfast but if that was all you had in then it's fine, did you feel hungry/low energy at all? Learning to listen to what your body needs and responding is the aim from my pov. Smile . Try and notice your mood, energy, digestion, hunger throughout the day, particularly before and after meals and see if you notice any links between them and the food you crave/have eaten.

Sleepwhenidie · 26/04/2014 21:42

Jokers..you may well be feeling buzzy/dizzy and spaced out because you ate cake and apple pie for dinner Wink. Can you eat something more substantial and calming? Got any miso soup or chicken soup, maybe a slice of toast with a banana and a glass of milk?

JokersGiggle · 26/04/2014 23:33

Sweet things are my comfort food. Anyway I've puked it all up and feel much better now lol sorry tmi!!
I hate now morning sickness effects me, I could manage feeling ill and being sick it's the hot/cold and the shakes and dizzy which I hate. My doctors and specialists agree it's not normal and don't know the cause but won't look into it as I would need to stay in hospital to be monitored for when it happens. It's ridiculous that dp works for the nhs but they won't help me!
Never mind, I'll take feeling crap if I get a little one in the end.

runningLou · 27/04/2014 07:55

Jokers I think you can get the shakes and feel dizzy if blood pressure falls really low? Do you know what yours is like? Dehydration can also cause that kind of issue, especially with morning sickness, so drinking lots is really important.
Hope you feel better soon.

Spent the last few days at my mums secretly eating any and all rubbish I could get my hands on, whilst pretending to eat healthily in front of the family. Had a massive row with DH last night on getting back home as he said he'd taken care of dinner but it was just a salad and I was starving. He said he wasn't hungry, and I can't eat more than whoever I'm eating with, so we both went to bed without eating. Awful atmosphere this morning. Glad to be back home though.
I've eaten too much for breakfast this morning as still hungry from last night but it was all fairly healthy - porridge, nuts and seeds, bit of dried fruit, greek yogurt. Am absolutely dreading getting on scales in the morning.
Have made contact with an ED therapist locally but it looks like it's going to be really difficult to see her - childcare for DC is the issue.

Perfectlypurple · 27/04/2014 08:44

Hi, sorry have been quiet. Has been a busy week.

jokers sending positive thoughts your way. Read the other thread. Hope she stops contacting you.

Good menu fighting

running hope you have a good day. It's rubbish hiding away and eating isn't it. Wish it was easy to stop.

FightingBed2014 · 27/04/2014 09:14

morningSmile Jokers I felt how you describe with my both my pregnancies. It was my blood pressure dipping (I'm already naturally low) It's a horrible feeling. Just do what you can and mention it at check up. I very quickly became anemic all the way through, which made it even worse as it wasn't spotted for monthsHmm . Be kind to yourself, if you have a day sat under a duvet and sleeping, don't worry.

Thanks sleep, I've had soya yogurt (cant remember if I aaid I'm dairy intolerant, unless I wany a cakeBlush , then I just get illWink ) granola and dried fruit for breakfast. of to gum when dh gets up so needed to eat something small. I felt great yesterday, no pressure to eat that or restictions. Just nice to be healthy. I went swimming and didn't come out starving so I think I ate enough. I had my last 'blow out' dinner with friends and the high of eating crap wasn't there at allGrin. I'm making friends with people who are really into the gym and healthy lifestyle, hopefully they will have a good influence on me.

JokersGiggle · 27/04/2014 09:15

Lou I have the same problem - I can't eat unless the person i'm with is eating, if they stop I stop. But I used to prefer to eat alone. So I understand the tension it can cause. But you had a healthy breakfast so be proud!
With lots of hard work i'm now at the point where I can tolerate people seeing me eat, I can eat after people have finished but I struggle to eat a different thing to others. It's fine with dp, ok with just 1 friend but the more people the harder it gets.
Dp took my blood pressure before going out and it was fine but spoken to him about it now and your right, he's certain that it dipped.
could you look into a child minder for a few hours? Lots take Children to nursery so have a gap 9.30-11.30 and of you use just those hours most will do you a deal. CMs loose out when kids go to nursery so most are happy to work for a reduced rate to get some work. School holidays would be the only issue....

FightingBed2014 · 27/04/2014 09:18

purple It's great to see you. Hopefully your week ahead is a little calmer.

running sorry to hear that you had a bumpy return home. Iy sounds like although you had a bad few days towards the he end of your trip, you have done really well back home going back to the foods you want to eat. Can you talk to DB about your emotions from visiting your mum and sister? I'm guessing they may linger a bit.x