Eating Disorder Recovery

[OhIFellOff]

I'm documenting my journey to try and recover from an eating disorder over the year. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, so thought I'd share my experiences.

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Hope everyone is ok this evening. Thinking of you all.x

I just went past 50 posts on the blog today. I had no idea I had written that many! It's great therapy. x

I had a great day super healthy eating and then it went to pot. In 5 min I ate 2 lindor chocolates, a cookie and a caramel biscuit wheel thingy. had a coffee qirh chocolate milk and that seems to have kerbed it. I just want to eat really clean but don't know if I can't or if I just expected too much too soon Evenings are my achilles heel.

Hey fighting, chin up. You can eat clean but expecting to do so 100% of the time is unrealistic . If you managed it then I'd be concerned about the level of control you were managing to exert. You are only human. What you are this evening really isn't disastrous...why do you think you ate it?

I cravwd something sweet and went to find pineapple and do something with it. couldn't think of anything so had one chocolate. It just went from there. I suddenly felt restricted. I'm knackered too.

It's tough hen you're tired, don't beat yourself up. Have you been resisting sweet stuff like chocolate for a while?

Need some help - horrendous trouble sleeping.
I usually sleep write a bit (8/9 hours a night)
I've been going to bed at my normal time but not sleeping til 3 or 4 am. I'm so tired!
it's been like this for over a week and it's really getting to me, i'm more clumsy than normal, i'm snappy, I fall sleep in the car (dp driving!) And just generally feel awful.
I'm not drinking caffeine or alcohol. Tried relaxing baths, Camomile tea (which I drink anyway), massage, more exercise first thing in the day, not eating just before bed, silence and white noise and making the room really dark.
I'm so tired but when I go to bed I just lie awake. It's not so bad with dp with me, he Strokes my hair and I Sleep but I wake up quite a bit but go back to sleep quite quickly with cuddles, but without him I just can't get to sleep. And he's on a long string of nights now!
I'm trying really hard to fight the temptation of getting into bed with him in the day but i'm just so tired!
I love sleeping and was really good at it!
How do I re train myself to sleep?! anyone been through this?

Hey Fighting - I am exactly the same with evening eating when tired. I think it's craving sugar for energy and also a reaction to restricting during the day also. It's really, really hard to fight ... I don't buy any bad foods for me but I do have some sweet / chocolatey things in the house for DC and I go for them when I'm tired. Last night it was 6x chocolate covered rice cakes ... so a grand total of 500 calories in the 15 mins before bed, after having been really good all day ... Not sure how to deal with it really.
On other threads I've read about brushing teeth straight after dinner, or making sure you don't go back into the kitchen?
Anyway, please don't feel bad, you are not alone ...
Do you find you have fewer evening cravings if you eat a little more during the day, or have a more filling dinner?

Just to add, Fighting ... I was thinking last night after necking those rice cakes at 10:45 pm ... I think my brain has become miswired in some way to want to eat when I'm tired rather than sleep. I am really going to try this week to get an early night when I'm feeling tired during the evening, rather than push those feelings away and then eat. Yesterday I felt genuinely tired at about 8:30pm. If I'd tidied up downstairs and gone up for an early night then, I'd be better rested, and lighter, this morning.
This will be my challenge for the week!

Re the evening munchies...it's worth remembering that getting pleasure from food is a pretty basic human instinct and desire. If we try to deny it then at some point it comes back to bite us on the ass . For most of us, the most pleasurable food happens to be sweet. So acknowledge this, work with it, not against it.

If you are over restricting food in general then you are going to be hungry in the evening, it's perfectly natural. This is also the time when you are usually most tired so any 'willpower' is likely to be lower and also there are less distractions than there are through the day. So you need to eat more during the day, and/or plan a snack for the time you know you will be craving something. Even if you are eating plenty, you still may know its likely you hit that point where you need to eat something good. For me it's usually around 4pm .

Choose something, or a few choices of things (some may be a bit healthier, some less so) that you really, really like (Running I'm guessing that wouldn't be chocolate rice cakes ). If it's chocolate, get the best chocolate you can, make some tea and sit down, relax and really enjoy it slowly. Your brain and body will register the pleasure and process the food in the most efficient way, you will (possibly with practice) only eat a standard portion and you will learn that it is ok to enjoy these foods, there will be no guilt or regret attached to the experience. The food will also become much easier to take or leave, believe it or not .

Just a little mention about stress...this is absolutely the worst thing for your health and weight. When we are stressed our digestion and metabolism is compromised, cortisol is produced, nutrients are leached from our cells, fat is stored, muscle is not built. If you are basically afraid of eating, you are in a state of low level stress - so when we eat a load of biscuits with a sense of panic and guilt we pretty much double the 'bad' effects of the food itself. By eating in a relaxed and enjoyable way, your system properly utilises the food, your brain has time to recognise you are about to eat, priming your body for digestion and metabolism and also registering that all important aspect of eating, pleasure.

Jokers re the sleep, you are already doing lots of things I would have suggested. The only other one is maybe (ironically, given the last posts ) trying a small carby snack shortly before bed. Some toast, or oatcakes with banana perhaps, miso soup is calming...Otherwise, I'd try not to stress about it, if you are tired and you can have a sleep in the day then just take advantage of it, there's no reason why not. Hopefully you will click back into a normal routine naturally, especially if you follow DP's patter which, if I understand correctly, area sometimes day shifts so he and you can sleep at night? Ie, you aren't completely switching over to daytime sleeping on an ongoing basis?

Oh, I don't know, Sleep, I actually do quite like chocolate-covered rice cakes ! A big problem I have is that I am incapable of not finishing a packet once I open it. If they'd been packed by 2, not 6, I might have been ok.
I will definitely try and get in some things that I like, in small portions, for those moments you describe. The thing is, sometimes it's hard to get hold of just one biscuit, or one cake. I find it easier not to buy them at all, as I'd eat the packet; same with chocolate, as I couldn't just eat 2 squares. I think I need to start making some things for myself and freezing them in small batches?
I have been reading about the effects of cortisol and fat-building. It is depressing as I think I have OD'd on cortisol over this past year, but it's so hard to bring the levels down, especially with so much stuff ongoing ... job hunt, house hunt, school search for DC, problems between DH and I ...

But Running you are sort of giving all your power over to the food by saying you can't just eat 1 or 2. Just as an experiment, give yourself permission to eat the whole pack. But make sure you sit, relax and enjoy it, be conscious and curious about the whole process of eating them.

I've said this before but if you make it your choice, rather than something you rail against and feel you mustn't do, it changes the experience and not only can you choose to eat 5,10,50 rice cakes, you can equally choose to stop after 1 or 2. It's a process of learning to trust yourself, it will take practice and it takes a while for the idea of being able to eat as much as you want without guilt to really sink in, so it may go crazy for a while. But when it does click and all food is equal, things will even out. Just try it a few times, the sky won't fall in and to be brutal, you are doing it anyway, so why not?

I chose to do it last night. It was day 1 of AF, and my cycle has been AWOL for ages, it's been 7.5 weeks, and I said to DH - first day of AF is the one day each month I feel justified in eating something chocolately, and I sat down and ate them. But I still feel bad about it today. I couldn't give myself permission on a daily basis. I'm at a level of 2-3 binges per week at the moment (more last week when away from home) and I don't want to increase that.

I do that once a month (same day!), go for coffee and whatever cake I fancy. Tbh it's the only time I really want cake - don't worry, I have other vices - and some months I still don't, but if I do then I love having it.

What you describe though, particularly the time you ate the rice cakes, sounds more like you actually felt like you were 'giving in', justifying it to DH and yourself using AF, but not really believing it, as evidenced by feeling bad about it today. There's a huge amount of control in what you describe Running and nobody can continue to maintain that level without something 'breaking', be it resulting in a binge, or it affecting our health. Are there other aspects of life you think you may be controlling tightly?

There's no need to start giving yourself permission on a daily basis, I get that letting go to that degree is very scary, but maybe next time you want to binge, acknowledge to yourself that you 'need' the food (which is true, on some level, if not physical, you do need it) and so try to take your time and enjoy it. Try and identify your feelings before/during/afterwards.

I am struggling at the moment particularly as I like to feel in control of as many aspects of my life as possible, but there are so many variables in the whole moving house / changing job and school process that it's a nightmare! I have 2 job applications submitted at the moment, waiting to hear back from them is difficult. Just spoke to a school I'd like DD to go to next year. They may have a space, but not sure, I need to call back in 2 weeks. DH has 2 job interviews this week. I'd like to be making decisions and moving things along, but it's all on pause for now ...
Relationship-wise I struggle to control my thoughts about ex-OM.

It must be very stressful wrt the job/house/school changes, but you are doing or have done all you can to influence the situation, there comes a point where you simply have to trust in fate, try to relax into the uncertainty of the outcome but have faith that it will all be ok in the end - it nearly always is . Have you tried any mindfulness/meditation?

In so far as the OM goes, why would you want to control your thoughts about him?

Am not at all happy about the direction my thoughts are going in at the moment ... thinking about trying to contact him again (there has been no contact from him since last August), or see him. I know this is negative thinking and I should be focusing on trying to rebuild things with DH as my future lies with him and DC. DH is very stressed too at the moment due to changing jobs etc and I want to support him, not be distant whilst fantasising about someone else.
Am very glad AF is here though - feels like a return to normality for my body.
I've read about mindfulness but not put any of it into practice so far.

Is there anyone you can talk to about OM who won't judge? I think trying to stop your thoughts is akin to trying to never eat chocolate again . There's every chance its making him seem more attractive. Maybe if you could really chat through all the things you are feeling then you will truly realise that he isn't really what you want - also you need to think about the reasons you ended up with him in the first place...what is missing in your life or relationship with DH that led you to it, can those things be addressed?

I am looking into seeing a therapist at the moment - found one locally who works with EDs and also anxiety, so am hoping that will help. Have organised an initial assessment with her for next week.
Despite much soul-searching have not been able to put my finger on what drove me to do something like that in the first place, or what I felt was/is missing from current situation. Am hoping that changing jobs (am unhappy at work) and moving house to be closer to family will help. Have secret fear though that I'll just be unhappy in a new place. The feelings started when DS was about 6 months old. He's nearly 3 now. DH says things like I used to be happy - I can't remember that but I must have been different in the past as when I had DD I did feel more fulfilled. I absolutely love the kids though ...
No idea where my head's at really. Psychiatrist I saw who diagnosed bulimia said I might be focusing on food as a distraction from other, deeper worries I didn't want to address.
I feel totally awful complaining about unhappiness though as I know I am very lucky to have 2 sweet (though challenging!) DC, a DH who has been so loving and forgiven me for my efforts to sabotage the marriage, a good job, house etc. I don't really have any friends that I see though.

Food/weight can be a very useful scapegoat or focus for people to avoid dealing with other stuff in life, that's certainly true. Its great that you are organising therapy.

Have a think about about what fulfils you generally. What , now or in the past, really makes you happy, energised, soothed? I want you to exclude running . It could be creative, it could be physical, it could be to do with self care (massage, facials etc). Or is there anything you feel drawn towards that you've never actually tried?

How come you don't have friends you can talk to ?

I'm cramping

Sending huge hugs.xxx

Thinking of you Jokers xx

How are you Jokers?x

Good luck and keep up with the recovery. The only thing that actually made me get a grip on mine was the fact that I wouldn't be able to have children if I carried on. One of my lovely uni professors helped me with 1-1 sessions with NLP when she understood the reasons behind it (mother with cancer, father hiding behind alcohol) She was amazing and I can't thank her enough.

It did take me 4yrs to eat five crisps though, even now, I look at them and think 'they will make you fat'. But I can go out for a meal and devour a chimichanga!