Awful slip of the tongue committed, I'm a shitty, shitty person.

[MrsBertMacklin]

Went to the shops this afternoon and the lady who served me had a lazy eye. We were having a bit of small talk about the flowers I was buying when she leaned down behind the counter to get a flower bag and a pen fell out of her shirt so I told her:

"Oh, you've dropped your eye."

To which she said, "Sorry?" and I said it again, then realised what I'd said so corrected myself and said sorry, I didn't get much sleep last night and keep getting my words mixed up, but she gave me a and stopped chatting to me.

I feel horrible.

My DM was chatting outside her flat door to one of her upstairs neighbours one day, who just happened to be gay. As he was leaving, her dog decided to follow him off down the hall. For some reason, only known to her, she commented "Oh, there goes the camp follower"!

She was suitably mortified.

When I was first going out with bf (now Dh) he introduced me to his sister and her "friend" they were close friends and always together, I had suspicions they were in a relationship but thought I'd let them tell me, six months later they bought a house together, now "roommates" I have no idea how they thought no one knew, joint mortgage and a two bedroom house with only one bed... Doesn't take a rocket scientist lol
I was stewing on it for a few more months, I'd asked future Dh outright if they were a couple and he said they didn't want anyone to know and only him and his mum and dad knew, I was a bit insulted. Anyway long story short I was a little tipsy one evening whilst wearing dungarees and a white vest (it was a long time ago) and turned to sil and said "I don't know why I wear this outfit it makes me look like a lesbian" I have no idea why I said it and she was really upset, they did come out to me and a few others shortl after but it wasn't till nearly ten years later that they came out to other sil's family and Dh's grandma and aunts etc and they only did it then because the invites to their civil partnership would've been a bit of a shock otherwise!
Alls forgiven now and we all share a house.
I still cringe about it sometimes though and it was a stupid thing to say ad stupid for me to be upset that they'd not come out as I've known them for 14 years now and still not got round to mentioning that I'm bi and until I met Dh was convinced I was gay!

dat woz jst a miss-takeadizzle dnt worry

This thread is genius, totally cheered me up!

There was a lot of work to do at work, I met one of my co-workers in the bathroom, it was a Friday, I said 'Have a nice weekend' and wanted to say 'I hope we do not die with all this work' (during the weekend). Instead, I said 'I hope you do not die'.

Never mind. She won't be feeling as bad as you are. And who hasn't said 'the wrong' / hurtful thing before?!
I'm often doing it.

Name changed for this, oh yes indeed.

On the beach with extended family. Lovely day, not too crowded. Autistic niece having a wonderful time. Quite relaxed for a change. Until a family came and sat very close and turned on an enormous radio playing loud reggae music (they were black, it's important to note).

Niece began to get distressed so we upped sticks and moved further along the beach. We found another quiet spot and sat down. Niece, still in a bit of a state, "But there are black people here as well, Daddy!"

Discomfort all round. Awkward silence. DS1 saved the day, "Yes, but they are not playing loud music."

Which allowed us to explain and enjoy the rest of the afternoon in their company.

But I have rarely been more embarrassed.

As a nurse I once told a disabled patient I'd been so drunk at the weekend I was "paralytic!"

I must b a shitty shitty person...... I can't stop laughing!!! Don't dwell on it, I think you've made a lot of people laugh!

These are hilarious!

I found out recently that my job was letting over 80 people go, myself included. As it was just before christmas, I decided that I was going to take some "extended leave". I phoned in, and because everyone is swinging the lead, I didn't expect him to ask what was wrong with me. Dear readers, I panicked and blurted out "I've got a dodgy bum".

I told my manager I had a dodgy bum. My DF was pissing himself laughing beside me.

It's a Freudian slip!
I laughed my head off, I am glad I was not stood in a queue behind you because I would not be able to control myself!

Oh man, I haven't laughed so much in TIME. Trying to relay to some of these to my DH but every time I go to say the funny bit I snort and start pissing myself again haha.

Now I've had my inhaler, I'll tell you mine...

My first job, I was 19, one day everything was going to well and meant to say "I'm on the ball". instead shouted out "I'm on the game!" in a fairly quiet office. In front of my mum.

My other one was when I worked in a call centre, answered the phone to a Mrs Spall, jotted down her name while telling her mine. I was writing the sp part of her name, as I introduced myself. As Spam. (My name is Sam). My colleagues called my Spam for the rest of the time I worked there...

When DS2 was tiny I was dithering in the bakery section at Waitrose
"How can I help you?" asked the assistant
"I'd like a penis one please" I replied pointing to the Pecan twists.

I don't know who was most embarrassed.

A friend of mine is lovely but hopelessly tactless...

Meets new flatmate one evening soon after she'd moved in. They wash up together, (my friend on best behaviour but notices other woman has quite a lot of facial hair), asks after flatmate's family...flatmate says she just has one sister.

Friend: "And does she have a moustache?"

(Friend bursts into tears, spends next 2 years apologising, end up best mates)

When I was about 7 I had a friend round to mine from school.
I saw some shoes and went "god who's are those AWFUL shoes" thinking they were my brothers friends shoes and I was trying to kind of break the ice as it was a bit awkward.

I looked at her and she said to me in the saddest voice "they're mine"

This thread reminded me of a scene in a Woody Allen film where before a dinner party everyone is being warned that a guest is very sensitive about his big nose. At dinner Woody says "could you pass me the nose please"

OP we've all done it don't be hard on yourself
. You were trying so hard to notice something that the inevitable happened.

Honestly I've just laughed so much I have tears streaming down my face at this thread

I've got an awful one
My friend went out with a lovely girl, who happened to have list an arm through illness.
They broke up after a few months.
Next time I see my friend we are in a big group of people and he says 'I've got a new girlfriend'

Without thinking I said 'does this one have two arms?'

They were all disgusted with me and
I could honestly have died. What possessed me to say it!?

I'm going to hell.. Sorry but I laughed at that!

Brilliant thread! Leela I would have died on the spot too.

Not me, but my best friend at sixth form had a boyfriend who was a lot older and a lot weird. Every time they had an argument he would threaten to kill himself. Our group of friends all knew this and that it was nothing more than an idle, controlling threat.

Eventually they split and she found a new bf at Uni. Who then very sadly committed suicide. At a group gathering a few weeks later a friend we hadn't seen for a while strolled into the restaurant, saw my friend and said "So how are you? Boyfriend killed himself yet?" That was 15 years ago and I don't think anyone's forgotten.

This is priceless ... I'm in stitches. One of my friends was asked to be best man at another friend's second wedding. He had known friend, let's say he is Pete and his first wife, Sarah for years before they split. When he stood up to do the toast, he came out with "raise your glasses to Pete and Sarah" .... cue awkward silence.

Your foot in mouth stories have cheered me considerably on a day where I have very limited use of my legs. I thank you all.

I was talking about that snapchat app the other day and called it ....snapshat Ooops. Red face.

I was once in a quiet little pub with my mum for a bar lunch, I was 15 and we were at the bar to pay the bill when I noticed a bottle I hadn't seen before...

Me: Mum, what's porno?
Cue barman and 6/7 older punters going silent and staring at me sniggering
Mum: WHAT?!
Me: That bottle up there
Barman: Err that'll be Pernod lass but regardless of which you meant neither are acceptable before you're 18

I was mortified and could hear them roaring with laughter as I left

I'm currently in agony with pleurisy, reading this thread alternating between shrieking with laughter and shrieking with pain.
A few years back I worked with a girl who had severe alopecia and wore a wig. The first time I saw her outside of work she was wearing a tracksuit and big gold hoop earrings. My big mouth opened and said (all on its own with no help from my brain) ooh, why don't you get a Croydon face lift. Could have punched my mouth for saying it. Then it made matters worse by saying, oh no, you can't.
At that point I had a nervous laughing fit. Poor girl.