Dear Mr Cumberbatch
Today I have been asked, in my capacity as Creative And Exciting Adult Lit Skills Tutor Extraordinaire and harbourer of wild sexual fantasies about your good self
i) Where to buy AAA batteries;
ii) Where the Carpentry Department fusebox is;
iii) Where the 13amp fuses are kept;
iv) Where to buy yellow floor paint;
v) To test an electrical extension lead and certify it fit for use;
vi) How to remove marker pen stains from a silk blouse.
Oddly enough, none of the above questions - nor any conceivable answer to them - feature strongly - if at all - in my syllabus, which is heavily biased towards a preponderance of photographs of your good self and written answers to the question 'What is this man doing?'
The creativity of some of the answers astounds even me.
I am in need of a damn good shag comfort and distraction and a damn good shag
As I am runnning short on happy pills, I am just nipping down the off-licence and on my return would be more than happy to see you stark naked and tied to my bed hell, why beat about the bush? - stark naked and tied to my bed.
Don't bother with the whipped cream: I have a plentiful supply in stock for just such an emergency.
Yours in urgent need of a good seeing-to
TheAddict
PS: key next door with Mrs Trellis: please remember she is allergic to paint-stripper