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Original poster

Helpful hints for houseguests:

lovelybertha · 2011-08-29T12:05:25+00:00

1) Take care not to make the assumption that because your host lives in a seaside town, they want to be running a guest house. 2) If you'd like a clean towel, ask. Leaving wet towels in the bath/on floor of bathroom will not provide a signal for housekeeping staff (see point 1). 3) Attempt to keep your belongings as contained as possible. Hanging your manky dressing gown up in the living room is neither appropriate or necessary. 4) Take care to remove any pubic hairs that might stick to the communal bar of soap. Particularly if their colour makes them very distinctly yours. 5) If breakfasting extra specially early in a household with pre-school age children, note that it will be much appreciated if you don't eat the last banana and drink the last of the milk. 6) Leaving mugs and inadequately scraped plates in the sink is not as helpful as putting them in the dishwasher. Running a bit of water on to them is not the same as washing up. 7) Bags of bread are to be opened from the top. Ripping a hole in the side and taking slices from the middle, is quite simply, really fucking annoying. 8) If you offer to 'treat' your host to a 'night off cooking', they will assume you are offering to either cook a meal yourself or take everyone out. A ready meal from Asda will underwhelm. 9) If your host is providing you an alternative to hotel accommodation whilst you work (and earn loads of money) in their home town, failure to note the above hints, and going on about how much money you're saving will be interpreted as 'Taking The Piss'. 10) Following from point 9: It's nice to say 'thank you'. Gifts (ie. bottle of wine/ flowers/ chocs) will be gratefully received by your host.

337 replies

lovelybertha · 29/08/2011 13:05

Take care not to make the assumption that because your host lives in a seaside town, they want to be running a guest house.
If you'd like a clean towel, ask. Leaving wet towels in the bath/on floor of bathroom will not provide a signal for housekeeping staff (see point 1).
Attempt to keep your belongings as contained as possible. Hanging your manky dressing gown up in the living room is neither appropriate or necessary.
Take care to remove any pubic hairs that might stick to the communal bar of soap. Particularly if their colour makes them very distinctly yours.
If breakfasting extra specially early in a household with pre-school age children, note that it will be much appreciated if you don't eat the last banana and drink the last of the milk.
Leaving mugs and inadequately scraped plates in the sink is not as helpful as putting them in the dishwasher. Running a bit of water on to them is not the same as washing up.
Bags of bread are to be opened from the top. Ripping a hole in the side and taking slices from the middle, is quite simply, really fucking annoying.
If you offer to 'treat' your host to a 'night off cooking', they will assume you are offering to either cook a meal yourself or take everyone out. A ready meal from Asda will underwhelm.
If your host is providing you an alternative to hotel accommodation whilst you work (and earn loads of money) in their home town, failure to note the above hints, and going on about how much money you're saving will be interpreted as 'Taking The Piss'.
Following from point 9: It's nice to say 'thank you'. Gifts (ie. bottle of wine/ flowers/ chocs) will be gratefully received by your host.

OP posts:

TheFantasticFixit · 30/08/2011 10:56

Do not come to my house empty handed and proceed to drink the entire contents of our wine cupboard.

Do not go to a festival in flip flops when the forecast is rain, trudge home with black mud caked all over your feet and then attempt to get into my brand new white Laura Ashley sheets without washing..

Do not proceed to get up at 2am, help yourself to a bottle of our red wine, proceed to spill said wine all over cream carpet and then, instead of cleaning it up, cover it with a fucking CREAM blanket

Do not sit and whine about your hangover the next morning whilst I seethingly clean up the stain from the night before without so much as an acknowledgement or apology being uttered from your lips. You do know that I'm not fucking stupid, don't you?

Do not EVER ask to come and stay with me again.

ThisIsYourSong · 30/08/2011 11:01

Please be careful with your hosts' belongings. In particular try not to break two chairs, two wine glasses, a portacot, a part off a buggy, rip a curtain out of its hooks and ruin a table.

If you spill something, please make an effort to clean it up. Especially if that something is a full cup of soup which hit the kitchen countertop and splashed everywhere, then fell onto the floor spilling soup down the cupboards on the way. Or if it is a cup of coffee on an antique walnut table which my Dad gave me.

Do not fill your hosts' house with cheap ugly plastic tat which they do not want or need, but will have to keep as they know you will look for it next time you are staying.

Do not stay in bed until midday when your hosts have three DCs under 2, get up and have a leisurely shower, cigarette and make yourself breakfast and a drink without asking anyone else if they want a hand/a drink etc.

That was actually quite therapeutic!

Bettymum · 30/08/2011 11:29

Do not, if your hosts have bought you panto tickets for Boxing Day, drive yourself back to host's house after said panto while host struggles over icy pavements on her own to get back to her car whilst carrying an 8-month old baby with one arm and holding onto a three-year old with the other arm, and open and proceed to eat all the Christmas cheese and crackers while you wait, knowing that your host has prepared a delicious casserole that just needs to warm up for dinner.
Host will arrive home, see you stuffing your face because you couldn't be bothered to wait half an hour, and have to go and cry in the utility room.

IvaNighSpare · 30/08/2011 12:10

If your host does not possess some specialist utensil (avocado slicer, spaghetti measurer etc), it is most likely because they do not need them, and have not been possessed with the "simply must have it" compulsion.
Therefore, an incredulous sigh, a roll of the eyes and some belittling comment suggesting inadequacy would not be welcome.
Equally, at all costs resist the urge to purchase it for them as a 'thougtful gesture', followed by handing them the receipt with an expectant expression.

RoyalWelsh · 30/08/2011 12:15

Don't fall asleep taking up the whole of the sofa (small three seater) within minutes of arriving at our house and meeting hosts DP for the first time.

Don't argue the toss with EVERYTHING host couple say, even somehow twisting it into an argument when they are AGREEING WITH WHAT YOU ARE SAYING.

AKMD · 30/08/2011 12:16

Do not, midway through a birthday party with a significant number of guests, ask where to find cleaning materials and start dusting the front room. It is rude!

Do not, most of the way through a birthday party in your hosts' recently purchased house, sit and complain about the draught on your neck. MOVE or shut up.

Do not come to visit a newborn baby and keep asking your hostess for drinks. She does not want you there in the first place and you can get your own drinks.

Do not bring your mindees to visit a newborn baby and expect your hostess to entertain them. She does not want you there in the first place and is cream crackered.

Those are faily mild compared to the rest on here, which is probably why I don't have overnight houseguests.

AKMD · 30/08/2011 12:17

Oh, and following on from drinks. When your shattered hostess does bring you a drink, do not complain that it isn't cold enough and demand a new one!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 30/08/2011 12:20

This seems like the perfect thread to check something. I think (hope) I'm a very easy going house guest but we apparently did something that mortally offended our host, who, to be fair is a bit strange.

In the morning, we were on or way out and e announced

GwendolineMaryLacey · 30/08/2011 12:23

Oh fgs my bloody sausage fingers...

He announced he was doing one of his enormous spaghetti bologneses. Ooh lovely, says I. I'll pick up some garlic bread. We have had his spaghetti bologneses many many times, he never does garlic bread or salad etc so I didn't think I was treading on toes. So in I come later with lovely garlic bread and the meal was great and we told him so. But 4 years later he is apparently still secretly pissed off about the garlic bread. Was I wrong?

tranquilitygardens · 30/08/2011 12:26

marking my place, on page 1, and I want my kids to read this to see that I am not unreasonable with my idea's of what is acceptable

ChristinedePizan · 30/08/2011 12:28

Gwen: "he never does garlic bread or salad etc so I didn't think I was treading on toes"

Aha! That is exactly why you were treading on toes. He clearly thinks his spag bol is so superior, it needs no accompaniment. Offer to get pudding. That never offends.

Carrotsandcelery · 30/08/2011 12:30

I am worried now. When I visit my MIL I generally do the cooking or we both cook. She peels potatoes with a knife, I do it with a peeler. Next visit I took a peeler and asked if I could leave it there for when I visit (she has a huge drawer full of kitchen utensils). The next time I visited it had had been binned. It was a really good one and cost £10.

Was I cheeky to ask to leave a potato peeler in her drawer?

She and her DIL both have a drawer each in our spare room full of toiletries, slippers, hairdryers etc for when they visit.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 30/08/2011 12:33

Marking my place for opinions on Garlic-breadGate.

LadyFlumpalot · 30/08/2011 12:37

Do not expect me to be happy with you arriving at 5pm on a Friday evening and leaving at 2am Monday morning.
Do not chuck all the things you want in the trolley at Tesco and then expect me to pay for it.
If you are going to use my downstairs loo (which you can see straight into from the living room/kitchen) to take a dump in then please close the fucking door!
Do not pull up the shrubs/flowers in my garden because you don't like them...

MotherofPearl · 30/08/2011 12:39

Gwen, I don't think you actions were offensive at all! Some might say your garlic bread purchase was a way of enhancing and adding to the meal, not a veiled criticism of it - at least you contributed to the meal!

ChristinedePizan · 30/08/2011 12:41

Although I should add I think his attitude is bonkers and I would be very grateful if you brought garlic bread to go alongside my spag bol

mousymouse · 30/08/2011 12:41

pasta and bread are a no no
pasta = carbs
bread = carbs
why do you want to add carbs to carbs?

tranquilitygardens · 30/08/2011 12:41

Lady, whaaaaaattttttt someone took a dump and you could all see/smell?? noooooooo, who was this person?

Earthymama · 30/08/2011 12:45

When I was newly divorced in the dim-and-distant, my home became a bit of a meeting place for my circle of friends. Of course at first I thought this was wonderful but it became far too regular an occurance to meet several people on the doorstep as I got home from work.

I dropped hints, then said straight out that I would be glad to see them when I invited them to come but to no avail. We had to resort to locking the door and hiding, even lying on the floor under the window until they went away! Then they were very offended the next time we met up.
We moved to Wales so that solved that problem

BaronessBomburst · 30/08/2011 12:46

Don't insist that you can't use the stairs and need to have a full-size adult single bed installed for you in the front room, necessitating the rearranging of all the furniture for the ten days of your stay, and then run blithely up the said stairs like a mountain goat with your camera the second that you hear that DS is playing in the bath.

Do not insist that you should have your hostess' eyeliner, coat, new shoes, bag etc because it would suit you so much better than it does her.

MIL. And there's so much more I've blanked out........

Earthymama · 30/08/2011 12:46

I am open-mouthed at the things people do in someone else's home!

My kitchen is tiny and it's really difficult for people to help to clear up after meals. I tend to hide the dirty dishes in the oven until everyone has gone. I do feel that regular visitors should make a cuppa for everyone, as DD does here.

We have just had people we know, through a couple of face to face meetings and then mostly online, to stay over the Bank Holiday. They are a mum and her little boy, and I can honestly say I really miss them now they have gone home. It was wonderful to be with someone who shares our world view; I am a self-confessed odd-bod!

I do hope the mum won't be on here saying how awful we were!!

diggingintheribs · 30/08/2011 12:48

do not

get up and immediately make tea/coffee and toast, take out all the butter, jams, cheeses and cold meats to put on the table. use only 2 of them. make sure jam/butter etc is mixed in with the other pot you used. go upstairs to have a shower leaving everything on the table

and in all that time - the only thing you said to your hosts was 'morning'!

Also, if your hosts offer to get a takeaway (because they're too knackered to cook) - please don't harangue them because 'it would have been cheaper to cook your own rice'

and no, i don't expect flowers, or a financial contribution, or even a thank you - I am hapy to accept you are 'hard up' at the moment - but it does gall when you try and pilfer our oyster cards and make yourself sandwiches out of what was going to be tonights dinner so you can go and spend a small fortune on clothes and stuff in the apple store

diggingintheribs · 30/08/2011 12:50

oh yes

and it might be cheaper for you to arrive at 2am and leave at 5am but it is damn inconvenient for me, and no we will not pick you up from the train station - use your savings to get a cab!

LadyFlumpalot · 30/08/2011 12:53

tranquillity - It was a relative - I shan't say which one. We could see, smell and hear him taking a shit. It was just after I had DS and I was very tempted to call out "Is that one a forceps job too?"

OH ended up marching up to the loo, looking them straight in the eye and slamming the door!

tranquilitygardens · 30/08/2011 12:55

oh good grief, Lady, please tell me after your dh looked him in the eye and slammed the door it never happened again!

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