Helpful hints for houseguests:

[lovelybertha]

1. Take care not to make the assumption that because your host lives in a seaside town, they want to be running a guest house.

2. If you'd like a clean towel, ask. Leaving wet towels in the bath/on floor of bathroom will not provide a signal for housekeeping staff (see point 1).

3. Attempt to keep your belongings as contained as possible. Hanging your manky dressing gown up in the living room is neither appropriate or necessary.

4. Take care to remove any pubic hairs that might stick to the communal bar of soap. Particularly if their colour makes them very distinctly yours.

5. If breakfasting extra specially early in a household with pre-school age children, note that it will be much appreciated if you don't eat the last banana and drink the last of the milk.

6. Leaving mugs and inadequately scraped plates in the sink is not as helpful as putting them in the dishwasher. Running a bit of water on to them is not the same as washing up.

7. Bags of bread are to be opened from the top. Ripping a hole in the side and taking slices from the middle, is quite simply, really fucking annoying.

8. If you offer to 'treat' your host to a 'night off cooking', they will assume you are offering to either cook a meal yourself or take everyone out. A ready meal from Asda will underwhelm.

9. If your host is providing you an alternative to hotel accommodation whilst you work (and earn loads of money) in their home town, failure to note the above hints, and going on about how much money you're saving will be interpreted as 'Taking The Piss'.

10. Following from point 9: It's nice to say 'thank you'. Gifts (ie. bottle of wine/ flowers/ chocs) will be gratefully received by your host.

Christ, mooncup, I'm traumatised now and it didn't even happen to me ...

You poor poor thing (and your husband).

mooncup, you say it was for the first time that these houseguests stayed. Please, please tell me you never had them to stay again?? That is beyond horrendous behaviour.

Don't worry GreatNorks I haven't seen them since although they are going to be at a wedding we are attending soon. Its a small wedding so I imagine it may be a tad awkward

Mooncup, they couldn't possibly have the nerve to inhabit the same space as you after that. Let's hope they cry off.

Boke

Don't come and stay whilst I am 5 months pregnant and dh is on crutches and wait every night for me coming home to cook a meal for you your partner and child! Drink my wine and not buy one bottle as replacement! I know I couldn't drink but that's not the point!
Don't arrive at my door when I am 40 weeks pregnant and still working full time and dh hasn't worked since said broken ankle to tell me she had given my house a good clean as it needed it! That helped the high blood pressure and pre eclampsia ! Then came to visit when I was hospitalized and complained about the weather! I am good but not that good!
Oh also when she arrived she was looking for me to have cooked her favorite fish pie ! FFS !
Don't offer to buy me flowers from the flower stall on the street and then say they are too expensive!
Stop drinking my wine and not replace with even one bottle !

I was brought up to think that it was always rude to turn up at someones house with your two hands alike - i.e empty.
This is not the case for my inlaws. I have various members of DH's family to stay who are fed and watered for weeks on end with out a thank you!
It has stopped now !

• Don't bring your own dinner with you to microwave, especially after I've told you there's no need, it's just after Christmas and I have a house full of food. I'm sure your two year old will find something he likes!

• Don't bring your own wine, which is the only wine you'll drink, spurning my perfectly nice bottle that you haven't even tasted.

• If I am feigning sleep at 1am, it probably means I want to go to bed now...

Oh, and don't turn my loo roll round! I know the 'under or over' debate is neverending, but I'll have it how I want in my house!

this thread is very funny:) i have been a house guest for years due to always ending living up miles from anyone -went from arriving with holdall and waving bottles of champagne to arriving with babies and masses of luggage over the years- but no, nothing that resembles me. BUT having people to stay:

DO NOT smoke downstairs/ in your room/ out of bathroom window as it does smell and I will notice. Smoke outside.
Do not rummage through our wine, drink the nicest and leave the rest as "it looks a bit ropey" cheers for that.
Do not turn up before I get home for a weekend visit and expect me to be able to start drinking with you. i asked you all for 7.30pm-8pm for a reason.
Do not use the phone without asking.
ask for my wifi password by all means, but do not spend the night playing with your phone. Turn it off. I know you are not an on-call heart surgeon.
Do not stay til about 10.30pm, get a booty call and push off out into the night muttering about a friend in need, coming back at midday the next day, wanting to hog the bathroom and tell us about it in front of the dc's.
Do not moan on fb how boring we are.
Do not expect us to give up our beds for you - you can sleep in the lounge. and no, I am not moving the dc;s either. they don;t want you in their bedroom.
Eat the food I give you and don't turn your nose up at it. Do not leave it all and then want crisps.
when I am sweeping the kitchen floor, do not pick up a scrap i missed and THROW IT IN FRONT OF THE BROOM - that really annoyed me!

Please do not rearrange my furniture, kitchen cupboards , cutlery drawer. Leave it alone. I like it like that. Your way is not better.

Leave Sunday after lunch, whatever your host says. we are being polite. really, we want you gone. and send me a note / flowers or something.

there are loads more, but i want to do some deep breathing:)

Can I join in please, first post in this topic.

When visiting divorced brother and his new girfriend(me) for Christmas lunch don't call ahead telling them to tell the ex wife to Collect her son 2 hour's later than arranged because you are running late. Then don't cop an attitude when New girlfriend refuses to oblige

1. Don't arrive with 3 suitcases of dirty washing as "too busy to wash before" then monopolise my washing machine for three days
2. Don't invite friends to my house, offer to prepare meal for invited guests then bugger off to the pub, leaving me to prepare for 12, not 4 originally invited
3. Don't get down from the table between courses to cut toenails on the floor, not joking.
4. Don't criticise food as not organic unless you intend to bring your own.
5. Don't invite guests then as they cross threshold say " I nearly cancelled as I don't feel well and can't be bothered, you won't stay past 10 will you?"
6. Don't tell hosts you haven't had time to visit off licence and turn up empty handed, have sent "friends" back out the door to 7-11 round the corner the third time they did this.

Wow! Thanks for sharing this insightful tips.