Helpful hints for houseguests:

[lovelybertha]

1. Take care not to make the assumption that because your host lives in a seaside town, they want to be running a guest house.

2. If you'd like a clean towel, ask. Leaving wet towels in the bath/on floor of bathroom will not provide a signal for housekeeping staff (see point 1).

3. Attempt to keep your belongings as contained as possible. Hanging your manky dressing gown up in the living room is neither appropriate or necessary.

4. Take care to remove any pubic hairs that might stick to the communal bar of soap. Particularly if their colour makes them very distinctly yours.

5. If breakfasting extra specially early in a household with pre-school age children, note that it will be much appreciated if you don't eat the last banana and drink the last of the milk.

6. Leaving mugs and inadequately scraped plates in the sink is not as helpful as putting them in the dishwasher. Running a bit of water on to them is not the same as washing up.

7. Bags of bread are to be opened from the top. Ripping a hole in the side and taking slices from the middle, is quite simply, really fucking annoying.

8. If you offer to 'treat' your host to a 'night off cooking', they will assume you are offering to either cook a meal yourself or take everyone out. A ready meal from Asda will underwhelm.

9. If your host is providing you an alternative to hotel accommodation whilst you work (and earn loads of money) in their home town, failure to note the above hints, and going on about how much money you're saving will be interpreted as 'Taking The Piss'.

10. Following from point 9: It's nice to say 'thank you'. Gifts (ie. bottle of wine/ flowers/ chocs) will be gratefully received by your host.

Do not invite yourself to my house when you have not seen me for 10 years just because you are on a UK holiday and you 'are family' and then look around and say 'Nice house. Do you own it outright or do you have a mortgage?' (Uncle).

As above, then ask DH what he does for a living (nothing as it happens, unemp-loyed) and then ask if perhaps he would like to 'invest' in your new 'business'. (Uncle again).

Do not do above and then extend your stay to 3 fucking weeks bcause other long lost relatives have seen the light and cancelled you, then complain that the sickly baby is waking you up in the night. I was woken too, and also had to go to work fulltime.

He hasn't been back!

Hahahahah very amusing.

Please do feel free to discipline your child who is spilling & dropping food & drink all over the sofa we specifically said is not to have food & drink on it!

Living by the sea = guest house really winds me up!

Please do not come back and visit after sleeping in my spare bed for a week and not once showering/bathing. I don't care how good you washed with the flannel

Please do not come and stay to help two days after I have given birth and moan constantly about the crink in your neck, having to have daily baths and rest to relieve the pain - and when I explode that 'my fanny is killing me will you stop going on about your neck!' please do not reply with 'at least you know what has caused your pain'. It is not the same, really it's not.

Do not, when clearing up the kitchen after you have cooked, take the opportunity to throw out half the useful tupperware boxes I have spent time and money collecting (the ones that fit just so in my tiny fridge), simply because you choose to bin any leftovers rather than eating them up later.

Do not spend hours spouting about how you try to only buy local organic food as it is so much better for the planet, just after binning most of my fridge's perfectly good leftovers.

Do not whinge like a small child when we put the takeaway containers in the dishwasher so they are clean for the recycling bin, and whine "Can't we just throw them away, just this once?" I'm not making you wash the sodding things up, but I'm not cluttering up my wheely bin either.

Do not ask, every single time you come to stay, which room you are sleeping in. We have a three bedroom house and two of the rooms are already occupied by permanent residents. Furthermore, when we took the time to set up the spare room for guests, we actually had a long conversation with you about the process. Work it out.

Do not pull a face when finding out that we have no intention of moving from our (perfectly pleasant modern) house ever again, because you personally cannot believe that anyone would not choose to live in a period property (complete with horrific maintenance bills and authentic draughts).

Do not try to tell me how to hang my washing on the line by describing how you learnt about it in your posh school physics lessons. I do not give a shit and frankly have more important things to worry about than the optimum way of pegging out sheets. If you do it again I will make a snarky comment about how my school (the one you look down upon because it was only a comprehensive) had a slightly more professional set of aspirations for its pupils.

1. If you must camp in the garden rather than use the airbed in the house, please do not pitch your tent on the hole for the whirly washing line. If you do this by mistake, please move the tent, rather than rig up an elaborate system of ropes that criss-cross the entire garden at garrotting height.
2. The INDOOR broom in the conservatory is not to be used for sweeping muddy leaves from the patio or retrieving items from the pond.
3. Close the stair gates behind you, for the love of God.
4. The electric hammer drill should not be left plugged in and switched on in the toddler?s play area. Neither should the saw.
5. Please do not dilute the host?s shower gel. It does not ?make it last longer?; it makes it all gush out in a single squirt.
6. The best time to tell the host she needs to put a wash on because the toilet hand-towel needs changing is not when she is battling morning sickness and preparing breakfast for three children. And you.
7. Please do not hoof across the cream carpets in your muddy shoes, especially when they were professionally cleaned last week at great expense.
8. Respect that some households do not subscribe to the school of thought that maintains: ?If it?s yellow, let it mellow; if it?s brown, flush it down.?
9. If you are staying with someone because of their proximity to an airport, shower and use the hairdryer the night before, not at 4am.
10. The following phone call is unlikely to be welcomed by your heavily pregnant daughter-in-law at 2am on a week night: ?Hello, I left home to visit [daughter] seven hours later than planned and I won?t make it to hers tonight but I?m near you now. Can I stay the night? And can you make me some filthy evil stinking Marmite on toast even though I know it makes you queasy??

If you end up staying longer than planned (i.e 3 months rather than 2 weeks) and want to assist with grocery shopping, it would be nice to replace what you use like for like rather than the cheapest available alternative, especially as if you are working full time and living rent free.

In particular, using all your hosts charmin and replacing it with asda smart price bog roll will piss your host right off.

do not say you will arrive at 4 but not turn up till 8 and complain that dinner has to be reheated instead of cooked fresh, then open 3 bottles of unopened spirits you find in the hall cupboard,( 2 weekd b4 xmas, clearly gifts for people) take 3 drinks out of each and leave them open on the side then get merrily pissed on ALL the beer and wine. then fall asleep so deeply that when your 3 yr old gets up to use the loo you cant be woken and she wees on the floor which the host has to clear up. then stay in bed till 11.30 and when you emerge moan that your dd shouldnt have been allowed chocolate cereals and bitch that she is wearing the hosts sons PJs instead of girls ones. especially when the host has no fucking girls.

I could have written that list, lovelybertha....

I would add:

1. Do not ask your 7 month pregnant host to give up her bed for you - this will start things off on the wrong foot.
2. Do not make comments about your hosts' relationship, especially after said pregnant host has just been on her feet for 2 hours cooking your family of five a prawn curry.
3. Do not think you know how to use the dishwasher and put it on any old setting - thereby breaking the china as it gets too hot.
4. Do not assume the kitchen is your own, and assert 'children first' at very mealtime. It is antisocial.
5. Do not wait for direction from your hosts everyday - have some ideas abot what you want to do and where you want to go so you don't have to be 'entertained' like a five year old.
6. Do not fail to offer return hospitality on the grounds that 'you will have a screaming baby soon', especially if you have just brought three children under 4 to your hosts house.

Do not TALK NON- STOP with endless boring stories Do not follow your hosts around the house! Do not comment about how much washing up liquid we use!!. Do not exclaim when you get something different for pudding - yes I know my menu is not v extensive but it is RUDE to say, ooh, we are having X for pudding and then look as if you are going to keel over in amazement!!

Do let your knakered hostess read even a para in the Sunday papers- impossible last time due to the non-stop talker. Tried about 10 times to read a para and failed!

Rant over- feel better.

Do not get into bed with your host and his gf in the middle of the night

Ex-bf's best friend did this (basically semi-sleepwalking), and the poor guy was so mortified he left the next morning before I got up.

Please do not provide a list of foods you "need us to have" prior to your arrival, and then not eat the stuff. Organic Cashew nut spread anyone?

Mermaid my MIL used my indoor kitchen-sweeping brush to clear my patio this weekend!

• Just because your hosts have had you to stay for a month once, at your special request, that does not mean that they are expecting you to stay for a month EVERY YEAR from now on. Sending a cheery email letting your reluctant hosts know that you'll be gracing them with your presence from 10th Feb to 12th March is not polite. Asking whether you can come to stay and accepting when told never to darken their doors again is polite.

• If you are a follower of the seaside=guesthouse philosophy, do feel free to leave the fecking house now and again to look at some of the actual seaside. Do not spent all day every day reading up to seven different newspapers in your hosts really rather small kitchen.

-If you are staying overnight at your girl/boyfriend's place, which is a house-share with a kitchen the size of a large-ish cupboard, do not assume that his/her housemates will treat with delight the news that you are hosting a dinner party for your old school friends. Their drawn and starving faces peering miserably around the kitchen door whilst you take over all worktops and hobs for most of the evening should perhaps indicate that they would rather you'd chosen your own house, which you own, as a location for this soiree.

• If you are staying with a friend because you're performing in the local area, DO NOT assume that they would like you to invite your entire orchestra/troupe of actors/army of flying monkeys around to "rehearse" in their house. Especially do not assume this if they have specifically told you not to.

Please do help your 3yo old son go to the toilet, you must know that he cant reach and i dont want to have to wash the floor and the mats every time he goes!

Plase do not come to help out a few days after i have haid a csection and expect me to cook tea while you look after the baby - to give me a break?? i could hardly stand up long enough to cook so partly out of exhaustion and partly out of principal i didnt do the dishes for 4 days, this is how long it took said guest to venture into the kitchen and see what a state it was in.

I always put my feet up on the sofa at home and when i am in other peoples houses i wait and see how they sit, if they put their feet up i do, if they dont i wont. Do you think this offends them?

There's a lot being offloaded here and there's only so much you can share with your partner when the problems mostly seem to be with the in-laws.
Anyway, here are a couple of mine.

Wash. That rotting gorgonzola smell is your feet. It's not funny and it would go away if you washed them, even if you're unable to reach them given that you probably can't see them.

If you do wash, you don't need half a bottle of my expensive shower gel. You always "forget" your own...

It's polite to wait until everyone is sitting down before you start eating, especially if your uncooperative toddler grandchildren have not yet been manhandled into their chairs.

Similarly, it's polite to wait until everyone else has finished before leaving the table. If you can't, you should at least finish chewing.

Please don't paw your grandchildren and slobber faggy kisses over them. You may notice they struggle and then wipe their faces vigorously afterwards.

This thread came in the middle of my dad and stepmum's visit from Holland and I've been so shocked at how some people behave

Of course they've taken some pressure off me by having ds all the time (try keeping them apart!), they brought gifts for us all (not expensive just thoughtful), cleared up their own mess, payed for a nice takeaway one evening, swept and mopped the floor while I put ds in bed, cleared the table, loaded the dishwasher and they have just left the guest room as if they'd never been there. They also appreciate whatI cook for them and make drinks for us and themselves. Guess I'm lucky :)

Do you know, i just want to bundle the lot of you up, and take you to a lovely spa/hotel/chateau/cottage whatever you all decide, and molly the lot of you.

Honestly, i CANNOT believe the selfishness, rudeness and down-right
smelly evilness of The House Guests from Hell.

Bloody put them all up against a wall i would!

Leaving body hair, making unkind comments about peoples houses/spouses/cooking/career .Making a c-sectioned woman run after
you?!( a special place in hell for that house guest)

Don't you all ever let them over the threshold again - Do you hear me?.

Don't announce that "I'm not the kind of house guest that helps you know" and expect the response to be along the lines of, "Oh we wouldn't expect you to, that's what we're here for"

Don't constantly make racist comments in front of your gc and get all offended if you're reprimanded for it.

Don't bitch about every single member of the family as soon as you arrive and continue doing it until you leave. We know you bitch about us as soon as you get home, your dc talk to each other and guess what? They tell each other what you say.

Don't stand 3 inches from my face while I am trying to prepare lunch, and don't keep asking me over and over again if you're "Stressing me out" by doing it. I have already said you are stressing me out, but still you persist.

Don't then wait until lunch is on the table to pick up a newspaper, and start reading it. You have spent all morning 3 inches from my face watching me prepare it, while telling me about all the wonderful meals you've served in your time, (liar by the way, you never cooked in your life). You are sitting at the island, 3 feel away from the dinner table. You can see lunch has been served. We have told you to put down the paper and join us yet you keep reading while taking 3 weeks to get off the bar stool. Why can't you see that is really rude?

Don't constantly tell your ds that his prostate needs to be checked. He KNOWS ok?

Also, for someone so hung up on manners, good breeding and graciousness you don't seem to display much of it yourself

Oh yes, TheBride - do not go out with host's DH and get so pissed that you:
a) piss all over the bathroom floor of the nice new house they have been living in for all of seven days and
b) then be unable to remember which room you are supposed to be sleeping in and get into bed with host and host's DH, host being utterly unable to do anything about it as you are paralytic, deeply asleep and snoring already, and must weigh at least 18 stone so cannot be pushed out of bed.

Oh and PS MIL, when my parents come to visit it's like having a housekeeper and gardener. They never complain, make us feel like we're the best thing since sliced bread, help with the gc and leave the house and garden looking better than when they arrived.

But I suppose they are working class stock and not upper middle class like you, as you once pointed out to me when I praised their efforts.

Dont demand steak just before a bbq when there is only chicken sausages and burgers. Unless you would like to pay for it.
Dont watch me make a hund red trips to ther garden from the kitchen with all the food.

Oh some more from when I was housesharing, we had some wonderful guests.

• Do not feed the remote control to the dog

• Do not refuse to leave after a party has finished and all the hosts are pointedly yawning and saying how tired they are.

• Do not, after the hosts have allowed you to stay the night, wait for them all to retire to bed then yell up the stairs "QUICK! THE POLICE ARE OUTSIDE AND ASKING FOR YOU!" And then when the hosts have come running downstairs in dressing gowns say, "only joking, have you got any more alcohol?"

• If it is your first time meeting the owners of the house a mere week after they've moved in, do not instantly start slagging off said house.

• Do not ignore the hosts when they say their pet rats bite, and stick your finger in the cage anyway. Then have the cheek to complain or threaten to hurt the animal.

We have guests who bring their own bedding and specific snacks. Far from being rude, I think it is fantastic - I only have to put a fitted sheet on the bed - no changing duvet covers and pillows.

Oh and another thing MIL. Don't make a huge performance about taking a veggie burger to your dd's house for a BBQ, because you're a vegetarian then proceed to eat all the meat that you are offered, "Just to taste it" while leaving the veggie burger untouched.

Eating meat disqualifies you from being a vegatarian, saying "I'm this vegetarian that eats meat" does not ensure you retain your vegetarian credentials. You are not, and never have been, a vegetarian