Helpful hints for houseguests:

[lovelybertha]

1. Take care not to make the assumption that because your host lives in a seaside town, they want to be running a guest house.

2. If you'd like a clean towel, ask. Leaving wet towels in the bath/on floor of bathroom will not provide a signal for housekeeping staff (see point 1).

3. Attempt to keep your belongings as contained as possible. Hanging your manky dressing gown up in the living room is neither appropriate or necessary.

4. Take care to remove any pubic hairs that might stick to the communal bar of soap. Particularly if their colour makes them very distinctly yours.

5. If breakfasting extra specially early in a household with pre-school age children, note that it will be much appreciated if you don't eat the last banana and drink the last of the milk.

6. Leaving mugs and inadequately scraped plates in the sink is not as helpful as putting them in the dishwasher. Running a bit of water on to them is not the same as washing up.

7. Bags of bread are to be opened from the top. Ripping a hole in the side and taking slices from the middle, is quite simply, really fucking annoying.

8. If you offer to 'treat' your host to a 'night off cooking', they will assume you are offering to either cook a meal yourself or take everyone out. A ready meal from Asda will underwhelm.

9. If your host is providing you an alternative to hotel accommodation whilst you work (and earn loads of money) in their home town, failure to note the above hints, and going on about how much money you're saving will be interpreted as 'Taking The Piss'.

10. Following from point 9: It's nice to say 'thank you'. Gifts (ie. bottle of wine/ flowers/ chocs) will be gratefully received by your host.

Oh yes, another.

If you have turned up while I am ill and throwing up every few minutes, and the only food I am able to cope with is ginger biscuits (of which I have 1 packet as I'm too ill to get to a shop), do not start offering the biscuits around or helping yourself.

Agreed Alliez however for my own sanity I retort straight away and leave my ILs to my DH. Easier in some cases never to agree to a second visit. I am still be in training phase especially with other how other people fail to discipline their kids.

When you have broken up with your long term boyfriend and in desperation for somewhere to go on a new year's eve phone your friend from years back that you haven't spoken to in years and she kindly invites you to her house, please do not get very, very, very drunk. And then realise you have forgotten your pjamas and so make the error decision to sleep, naked, on the sofa instead of the spare bed prepared for you. It shocks the dp of the host. And it's not nice sitting on the sofa afterwards.
If you do in fact, decide to do this, please have the decency not to have enormous breasts - the dp of the host, once recovred from shock, views the host as inadequate in that department.
Very rude.

HeavyHeidi, there are people who like dogs but don't want dog hair/drool/dirt-brought-in-on-paws in the house. I can understand this. I lived for years in a foreign country where most people would never think of allowing dogs into the house and not even guide dogs are allowed in places where people eat (e.g. restaurants). (Blind people are helped by staff, dog stays outside.) Mind you, the rate of people in hospital with zoonoses (diseases transferred from animals to people) is virtually zero, which, as I'm sure you know, is not the case in the UK. Said ex colleague was British though.

thinNigella - LOL!

I'll back AllieZ up on the pets outside thing. Someone I know loves cats but is allergic, so keeps them in a plushly appointed shed and run in the garden. Wouldn't be my choice but it works for her.

But, AllieZ, I have to agree with others that if someone is hosting you you're not really in a position to expect a detailed list of all behaviours their pets may or may not exhibit during your visit. Close the guest-room door if you don't want pets in there. And if a cat jumps on your lap and you don't want it there, put it down.

oh - also please take your shoes off! I've cleaned up for you to come round so keep it clean !!

bigbadhaeavy
Perhaps they have investments in the manufacturers of potato peelers?
Why would anyone need more than one in a lifetime, except the mother hiding problem?

When said cat started licking its privates on my lap, I gently put it down. I was met with a "oh, poor thing, why did you have to do that?" I couldn't say "because him, licking his balls and d*ck while sitting on my lap makes me want to puke into my coffee", so I politely asked if I could wash my hands and then I left. But I have a friend who was staying at a house where the host shares drinks with cats and my friend was reprimanded for asking for a new cup of tea after the cat jumped on the breakfast table and drank into hers - so obviously even this is normal behaviour for some people and they would be offended and say "my pets live here, you don't", if you don't want a cat to step into the butter on the table. Well, having to sit on a settee covered in cat-hair is the same for me, I don't want cat hair on my clothes, thank you.

Those of you who want guests to remove shoes - doesn't that open up the possibility of finding out that your guests have less scrupulous foot hygiene than you do?

AllieZ, my friend has 3 cats who have complete run of the house. They prowl around the worktops while she cooks and prowl along the back of the couch while you're sat down trying to ignore them. I always find cat hair in my food when I go round to hers for dinner which is hardly ever She also had a cat who had um, gastric problems, who used to shit its brains out on a newspaper in a corner of the room while we were eating/drinking tea at the kitchen table I feel like such a cow coz it's their home too but I find a bit much

JosieRosie, that's just downright disgusting, [barf]

Do not come to stay for 2 weeks and then stay for 3 months.

Do not take over the living room (where you are sleeping on the sofa bed) for the whole day, leaving your belongings scattered everywhere.

Do not shout at my 2 year old for crying when he gets stuck between the sofa bed and the wall because you stay in it till lunch time, and leave it unfolded all day, meaning he has no room to play with his toys.

Do not leave your dirty clothes on the floor beside the washing machine for me to wash.

Do not leave the TV on all night.

Do not ask me every morning if I have been sick yet.

Do not wander about the place in your underwear when the midwife comes to do my booking visit. She thought you were my husband. I was mortified and revolted at the mere thought.

threelittlefrogs three months?! A friend of mind had her sister over for the weekend and stayed for a year. Said sister claimed to suffer from Seasonal A Depression and friend's electricity bills went through the roof. After one weekend of my mother I would happily inject heroin into my eyeballs. I almost need to inject gin into my eyeballs at the mere memory. I am now living in a very smalll house, with no mortgage, just so that there is no space for her.

my dp uncle has NINE cats and they go everywhere, they prowl all over the brand new kitchen hes just paid thousands for, granite work tops and posh fittings. they had invited us to a birthday party and had prepared some amazing food. shame it was ruined by the fact i nearly coughed up a hair ball from the amount of cat hair deposited in everything.
i was scowled upon because i gently pushed the cat away from my plate of food which it was trying to stick its head into.
another rather disgusting one, my mils dog i hate the fucking thing anyway it has no respect for humans or their space. it has always been treated like a child. the dog is not spade so comes into season and bleeds all over the house, is allowed on their bed, sofa on their lap eurrrrgh! the last straw for me was when it jumped on my lap while i was wearing white trousers and blobbed blood on me!!!
i love animals and i have my own dog and several others pets which are kept under control when guest are present. my dog will also be kept away from guests if they do not like her. most guests are afraid of her because shes a German Shepard so i respect their wishes and separate them.

maybells bleugh!

Sounds like some of you know some freakish pet-owner. I love animals and happily talk to and stroke other people's pets, but there are limits and cats on the worktops/drinking out of your tea are beyond those limits as far as I'm concerned.

OMG maybells We really really need a vomit emoticon on here - are you listening MNHQ????

i know its utterly disgusting, this bloody dog jumps up and eats the food off the table, it will sit with its head on her lap while you eat and they say "awwww does jess want some din dins". they don't even push it down i cant stand it i give it a swift kick push down.
one time it jumped up and was eating the profiteroles off the kitchen side and mil still served them, and gave me a dirty look when i said i wasn't eating something the dog and just munched on!

Oh here's a good one.

Don't allow your DC to break my house rules while you sit there and smile at how cute it is.

Don't swear at me in front of my DC, jump up and lock yourselves and DC in my guestroom crying because I told your DC not to behave badly in my house. (Which you should have done yourself.)

Don't then expect me provide you all with dinner and beds for the night, when all I really want is for you to leave. Just leave peacefully.

What had DC done Pang? Did they leave/stay

Oh the DCs behaviour was nothing unusual for kids. It's the parents reaction that was over the top.
Just a bit of food throwing and table banging at lunch. To my mind a 4 & 6year should be corrected on this. I expected the parents to do it but when they didn't I told the DC it had to stop or they would have to go away from the table. (It would have been wrong of me not to say something because my DC need to know that house rules apply to everyone not just to them.) Anyway, one child cried and it all kicked off - screaming, shouting, crying (and that's just the parents). My DC and I sat at the table totally confused. And my DD said "Mummy why are they so mad you only asked them to stop. You didn't shout or anything. You would have shouted at us. "

Unfortunately, they did stay. We spent the evening in my house avoiding each other. Mainly them locked up in a room. When my DH came home from work I told him the score then went to another friend's house for a big glass of wine or 3. He entertained them for the evening and they left first thing the next morning. The kids had forgotten about the fuss but the adults were still steaming.

Maybells, I thought my mate was a bit precious about her cats but she would never ever serve food that the cats had been having a go at! At least I hope she wouldn't

gottcha Pang - I would do the same. Your house and your rules.

Very tame compared to most here, but if you offer to do washing up please don't then break several of the host's mugs on the edge of the (porcelain) sink. One is an accident and will be forgiven, even if it was her DH's favourite mug, but three or four is just inconsiderate.

Saying, "Ooops," each time you do it is not endearing.

And if host asks you to remove your outdoor shoes as there is a crawling baby in the house could you please have the grace to say sorry and take them off after your host comes in to the lounge to find you with said outdoor shoes still on every bloody time.

If, due to building work, the only bathroom in the house is accessed via the office, please don't pretend to be using the bathroom but in fact be in the office with the door locked so you can play on the host's computer.

Please don't leave rollie tins/ lighters/ cigarettes on the host's dining table, where they are in easy reach of host's small children. It's repulsive to find them on the table when you're about to serve food.

I have just come back to this thread and noticed that Ladyclarice wants details....well, we had a friend and her boyfriend over to stay for the first time. I had made a lovely meal and was looking forward to meeting him. They turned up an hour late and completely trashed. The boyfriend dribbled his way through dinner and went up to bed and she followed not long after.

I stayed up for a couple of hours and was just about to turn in when this unbelievable stench floated down the stairs. I assumed it was from the bathroom and waited for a while to let it die down. When I got into the bathroom I noticed that someone had got poo everywhere and made a poor attempt at cleaning up, obviously I wasn't best pleased and set to it with the bleach and went to bed.

The next morning I heard voices downstairs so I got up and noticed that the spare room door was ajar. When I looked closer I saw THREE MASSIVE POOLS OF POO that had clearly been soaking into the carpet all bloody night!
I couldn't bring myself to speak to them but apparently he told my husband that my friend had been sick on his trousers so could he borrow some?
I had the carpet professionally cleaned and we are due to re-carpet very very soon.
And that is the story of the houseguest that took a shit on my carpet.