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Original poster

Helpful hints for houseguests:

lovelybertha · 2011-08-29T12:05:25+00:00

1) Take care not to make the assumption that because your host lives in a seaside town, they want to be running a guest house. 2) If you'd like a clean towel, ask. Leaving wet towels in the bath/on floor of bathroom will not provide a signal for housekeeping staff (see point 1). 3) Attempt to keep your belongings as contained as possible. Hanging your manky dressing gown up in the living room is neither appropriate or necessary. 4) Take care to remove any pubic hairs that might stick to the communal bar of soap. Particularly if their colour makes them very distinctly yours. 5) If breakfasting extra specially early in a household with pre-school age children, note that it will be much appreciated if you don't eat the last banana and drink the last of the milk. 6) Leaving mugs and inadequately scraped plates in the sink is not as helpful as putting them in the dishwasher. Running a bit of water on to them is not the same as washing up. 7) Bags of bread are to be opened from the top. Ripping a hole in the side and taking slices from the middle, is quite simply, really fucking annoying. 8) If you offer to 'treat' your host to a 'night off cooking', they will assume you are offering to either cook a meal yourself or take everyone out. A ready meal from Asda will underwhelm. 9) If your host is providing you an alternative to hotel accommodation whilst you work (and earn loads of money) in their home town, failure to note the above hints, and going on about how much money you're saving will be interpreted as 'Taking The Piss'. 10) Following from point 9: It's nice to say 'thank you'. Gifts (ie. bottle of wine/ flowers/ chocs) will be gratefully received by your host.

337 replies

lovelybertha · 29/08/2011 13:05

Take care not to make the assumption that because your host lives in a seaside town, they want to be running a guest house.
If you'd like a clean towel, ask. Leaving wet towels in the bath/on floor of bathroom will not provide a signal for housekeeping staff (see point 1).
Attempt to keep your belongings as contained as possible. Hanging your manky dressing gown up in the living room is neither appropriate or necessary.
Take care to remove any pubic hairs that might stick to the communal bar of soap. Particularly if their colour makes them very distinctly yours.
If breakfasting extra specially early in a household with pre-school age children, note that it will be much appreciated if you don't eat the last banana and drink the last of the milk.
Leaving mugs and inadequately scraped plates in the sink is not as helpful as putting them in the dishwasher. Running a bit of water on to them is not the same as washing up.
Bags of bread are to be opened from the top. Ripping a hole in the side and taking slices from the middle, is quite simply, really fucking annoying.
If you offer to 'treat' your host to a 'night off cooking', they will assume you are offering to either cook a meal yourself or take everyone out. A ready meal from Asda will underwhelm.
If your host is providing you an alternative to hotel accommodation whilst you work (and earn loads of money) in their home town, failure to note the above hints, and going on about how much money you're saving will be interpreted as 'Taking The Piss'.
Following from point 9: It's nice to say 'thank you'. Gifts (ie. bottle of wine/ flowers/ chocs) will be gratefully received by your host.

OP posts:

SinicalSal · 29/08/2011 14:50

Urgh IwoulddoPachacuti

missorinoco · 29/08/2011 14:51

Do not sit down at the table whilst your host runs around after her small children and announce what you would like for breakfast.

Do not make comments such as "Your house used to be so tidy before you have children," it doesn't help, however true it is.

ToriaPumpkinPasty · 29/08/2011 14:57

Agree with you'll need to move when/isn't it small/locking the front door, though as this is the third house I've lived in where the front door is apparently a problem I'm clearly picking bad houses...

Can I also add:

Don't press every button on every remote to try and get the TV to work. The TV is identical to yours. Completely, down to the positioning of the on and off button. Pressing remotes leads to the TV playing through the DVD player which is why it is dropping out every sixty seconds. Telling me that you don't know how to work the TV is bullshit.

As is asking for a cup of tea as if you don't know where I keep things, when you're perfectly capable of making it yourself and, in fact, have clearly made yourself several cups while I've been at work (and on one occasion invited someone else here to drink tea who I had never met)

LRDTheFeministDragon · 29/08/2011 15:03

at 'proper dinners made with proper potatoes'.

On the same note, if I tell you what I'm making for dinner, and it's a healthy balanced meal containing carbohydrates in some form, do not wait until it's on the table to say 'shall we have some bread with that then?' and be offended I don't have any in the house right now.

In fact, if there's something your hosts don't regularly keep in, that you consider to be a staple, you can only get pissed off if that item is loo roll. Otherwise, you will survive without it. And you will not get a good reaction for suggesting they are too poor to buy it.

DevotionAndDesire · 29/08/2011 15:27

I LOVE this thread!!

? Do not automatically assume that you are welcome/we don't have plans.
Turning up unannounced and then repeatedly drop HEAVY hints that you have plans but nowhere to stay tonight until we say you can stay, when you have an over night bag ready in the car is very annoying.
It is especially annoying/rude to do it often.

? If you invite yourself to stay don't demand to be fed, go out 15 minutes after dinner, then fall in drunk at 3am with a random guy/friend with the intention to carry on drinking.
Especially if you intend to drink our alcohol and stay up talking all night.

? When your host goes to the effort of cooking a full Sunday roast at your request ( Inc a chicken when she and DS dont eat meat) don't complain that it's not how you like it/you are too hungover to eat it/you would rather go to the pub and will eat it later. It will make the host want to hit you in the face with the frigging chicken!

CeliaFate · 29/08/2011 19:17

I can't believe people can be so rude! I've been very lucky with my houseguests, clearly!

Carrotsandcelery · 29/08/2011 19:30

I second the remote control rule - do not complain when your host asks to watch one specific programme during your reign of the remote control, talk continually through it, then complain that that is half an hour of your life you won't get back at the end of it. Go and do something helpful if you don't want to watch the programme, like tidy up the 11 mugs and glasses you have left all over the host's house

Takver · 29/08/2011 19:38

Don't assume that your hosts' dd will pass on messages given to her . . .

(absolutely lovely guests, but we did wonder if they'd been abducted by aliens - until dd remembered some considerable time later that they'd said they were going out for a walk and asked her to give us the message!)

OriginalPoster · 29/08/2011 19:38

If you are looking for an everyday item in the kitchen, ask where it is. Don't randomly open cupboards, or say 'have you got a mug?'. Yes i've got a mug, do you want to know where I keep them?' it's like 'have you got a toilet' 'oh, shit, I keep meaning to get one, but it keeps slipping my mind' . Say after me 'where is your loo?'

That's better

Empusa · 29/08/2011 19:40

Do not turn up 5 hours late and expect your hosts to have waited to eat all that time.

Do not go through other people's medication.

Do not attempt to take apart your hosts electronic equipment and void the warranty.

Do not refuse to plan how you are getting home, and then moan when the hosts cannot magically get you home.

Original poster

lovelybertha · 29/08/2011 19:44

Another:

"Is that ..... going begging" is not a polite way to ask for something.

In all honesty, nothing is 'begging' to be consumed by you.

OP posts:

thejoanwilder · 29/08/2011 19:45

Please do not tell us you will be arriving at tea-time and then call at 9am to say you are nearby and would it be a problem to come round now. Yes it is a fucking problem, we had plans. Twat!

BedHog · 29/08/2011 19:53

If you know your feet smell so bad that the whole household will be retching as soon as you remove your shoes, please bring some sort of foot spray or deodorant, or better still a stout pair of slippers, and ensure nobody has to endure your pungent trotters.

Don't sit on the only toilet for an hour when your daughter has just returned from hospital after giving birth. And replace the toilet roll when it has run out.

If you are so drunk that you urinate on the sofa, please ensure all saturated cushions are taken to a professional cleaner the following day to be restored to their original freshness.

If you know your asthmatic housemate has an important exam the following morning, please don't invite all your strange Norwegian friends round when the clubs close at 2am, and proceed to have a loud jamming session with out-of-tune guitar and bongo drums, while fag and hash smoke drift up to her bedroom.

DevotionAndDesire · 29/08/2011 19:55

Lovely I compleatly agree, that statement drives my mad.

CeliaFate · 29/08/2011 19:57

Bedhog they would never be invited to my house again!

AllYourCakeAreBelongToMe · 29/08/2011 19:57

Don't expect to wee in the garden. And don't walk around the house naked at night.

Catsdontcare · 29/08/2011 19:59

I second the remote contoll thing, have just spent hours trying to figure out WTF my houseguest had done to our TV (they had managed to press something that rendered all buttons on the remote and tv itself defunc)

No myself and the dc's do not want to watch bride of chucky after sunday lunch, but thanks ever so for bringing it - how thoughtfull

If you spend 20 minutes in the shower I will run the hot tap in the hopes that freezing water will get you out

AllYourCakeAreBelongToMe · 29/08/2011 19:59

Oh and don't turn the fucking music up so loudly that it can be heard in the next town. Repeatedly, despite being asked not to. I have to live next to these people for the forseeable future, and it'd be nice if they didn't think I was an antisocial wanker.
Don't then throw a childish strop when the plugboard for the stereo disappears as if by magic.

BedHog · 29/08/2011 20:00

4 different guests, Celia!

Bearcrumble · 29/08/2011 20:02

Don't start drinking/smoking at 11am and insist that everyone watch your DVD of the Unmasking of Kendo Nagasaki umpteen times. Don't tell your hosts that they live 'in a shit'ole'. Don't file the skin off your parmesan-esque dry heels in the living room.

MrsCog · 29/08/2011 20:02

I have just read this thread with trepidation as I am a very nervous and shy house guest as I would hate to do anything rude, however, I am relieved not to have fallen foul of any of the above!

Although, what should a house guest do if they can't turn the tap off/get the door to lock/get the shower to work properly etc. Lots of houses have 'quirks' should you mention it straight away - that's what I'd do.... is that wrong? (Above it was implied that it was just unacceptable for this to happen!)

notlettingthefearshow · 29/08/2011 20:04

Who ARE these frightful guests who visit? I'm obviously missing out by only inviting close friends and family to stay.

OriginalPoster · 29/08/2011 20:05

Don't spray Lynx. It is deadly to us asthmatics, and it smells like fly spray

therugratref · 29/08/2011 20:06

Oh my god, people actually behave like this in other peoples homes!
I have been very lucky

Carrotsandcelery · 29/08/2011 20:09

MrsCog I would imagine asking for instructions how to do whatever is not working for you, rather than assuming the item was broken, would be fine. It would all be in the wording I think.

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