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Original poster

Helpful hints for houseguests:

lovelybertha · 2011-08-29T12:05:25+00:00

1) Take care not to make the assumption that because your host lives in a seaside town, they want to be running a guest house. 2) If you'd like a clean towel, ask. Leaving wet towels in the bath/on floor of bathroom will not provide a signal for housekeeping staff (see point 1). 3) Attempt to keep your belongings as contained as possible. Hanging your manky dressing gown up in the living room is neither appropriate or necessary. 4) Take care to remove any pubic hairs that might stick to the communal bar of soap. Particularly if their colour makes them very distinctly yours. 5) If breakfasting extra specially early in a household with pre-school age children, note that it will be much appreciated if you don't eat the last banana and drink the last of the milk. 6) Leaving mugs and inadequately scraped plates in the sink is not as helpful as putting them in the dishwasher. Running a bit of water on to them is not the same as washing up. 7) Bags of bread are to be opened from the top. Ripping a hole in the side and taking slices from the middle, is quite simply, really fucking annoying. 8) If you offer to 'treat' your host to a 'night off cooking', they will assume you are offering to either cook a meal yourself or take everyone out. A ready meal from Asda will underwhelm. 9) If your host is providing you an alternative to hotel accommodation whilst you work (and earn loads of money) in their home town, failure to note the above hints, and going on about how much money you're saving will be interpreted as 'Taking The Piss'. 10) Following from point 9: It's nice to say 'thank you'. Gifts (ie. bottle of wine/ flowers/ chocs) will be gratefully received by your host.

337 replies

lovelybertha · 29/08/2011 13:05

Take care not to make the assumption that because your host lives in a seaside town, they want to be running a guest house.
If you'd like a clean towel, ask. Leaving wet towels in the bath/on floor of bathroom will not provide a signal for housekeeping staff (see point 1).
Attempt to keep your belongings as contained as possible. Hanging your manky dressing gown up in the living room is neither appropriate or necessary.
Take care to remove any pubic hairs that might stick to the communal bar of soap. Particularly if their colour makes them very distinctly yours.
If breakfasting extra specially early in a household with pre-school age children, note that it will be much appreciated if you don't eat the last banana and drink the last of the milk.
Leaving mugs and inadequately scraped plates in the sink is not as helpful as putting them in the dishwasher. Running a bit of water on to them is not the same as washing up.
Bags of bread are to be opened from the top. Ripping a hole in the side and taking slices from the middle, is quite simply, really fucking annoying.
If you offer to 'treat' your host to a 'night off cooking', they will assume you are offering to either cook a meal yourself or take everyone out. A ready meal from Asda will underwhelm.
If your host is providing you an alternative to hotel accommodation whilst you work (and earn loads of money) in their home town, failure to note the above hints, and going on about how much money you're saving will be interpreted as 'Taking The Piss'.
Following from point 9: It's nice to say 'thank you'. Gifts (ie. bottle of wine/ flowers/ chocs) will be gratefully received by your host.

OP posts:

AnyFuleKno · 29/08/2011 23:22

Something I did as a bad guest!

Don't say you'll arrive at 2pm after a 4 hour journey, make such a hames of the journey that you finally end up arriving at 9pm. On a Sunday.

When your hosts give you a thank you card for a present you gave them recently, don't put it in your back pocket, accidentally drop it down the toilet, and then attempt to flush it away (thanks DH, that made a great impression)

When hosting a dinner and someone finds a tiny hair on their plate, don't leap across the table to apprehend it, shouting 'don't worry, it's not a pube!' (dh again)

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 30/08/2011 01:06

Don't choose the times when your host is in the shower to suddenly decide to do the dishes - better you didn't do them at all, rather than the alternating ice cold / scalding water treat you will give them. Especially when shower room is adjacent to the kitchen- you can hear it running, plonker.

Planetofthegrapes · 30/08/2011 02:36

Don't have 45 minute showers (DSIL), or fill the bath with so much hot that the hot water turns cold (DSis), and drain the hot water tank, so that everyone else has to wait an hour for their wash.

If you are staying for 3 weeks, DSIL, it would be nice if you could at least put the things away in the dish washer once, or even say thank you for a vegetarian meal each evening...and I did not appreciate that you asked that I go and purchase objects to make gingerbread-men with your DN (after the supermarket-run), demand that I make the dough, you have all the fun of cutting out the gingerbread-men and then leave the mess for me to clear up and then say that you can make superior dough yourself...grrrr

BuntyPenfold · 30/08/2011 03:43

Do not reject all the spare bedding in the house because it is not made of organic fibres. It is of no avail as oddly enough there are no all-night natural-fibre-bedding-shops open in this small moorland village. Strange as that may seem.
You can go and shear a bloody sheep if you want an organic duvet. hth

3littlefrogs · 30/08/2011 05:14

"organic duvet" . Now I've heard everything!

cherrysodalover · 30/08/2011 06:11

1 Wash the dishes.Don't wait to be asked.
2Don't turn up the day after your host gets back from holiday.
3Don't ask "what time is dinner served?" each morning you leave to go sight seeing.
4 Give your host a night off if you are there more than 4 nights- like allow them to have the space to themselves without having to make conversation with you.
5 Don't brag about how much your property is worth.
6Don't be cheap
7Don't make personal remarks to your host about their house or any of their domestic rituals.
8 Get a gift.
9Don't invite yourself without specifying it will be more than the acceptable couple of nights for non close people.
10 Don't think anyone but close friends/family really want you in their home for more than a few nights just so you can save money on hotels, unless you are absolutely lovely and the lovely people just don't impose themselves in that way.

If you don't follow all of above do not just assume you will be able to come back to stay again.You will not be welcome.

saffronwblue · 30/08/2011 06:17

Don't sit in the kitchen making loud important work phone calls and glaring at my DC's who have just got home from school and are telling me about their day. We know you have a fancy job. Why not go into another room and shut the door?

Piggles · 30/08/2011 06:36

Please try to behave as if you are pleased to see your hosts, dumping your belongings in the guest room and then fucking off out to local attractions makes us feel like a hotel.

If your hostess says: "Is X okay for dinner?" it is intelligent to tell her at the time of asking that you don't like it rather than sitting down at the table with the air of a martyr and then poking it about and complaining with every mouthful that you don't like it. When your hostess (in a desperate attempt to stop the flow of whine) offers to get you something else just say yes and let her fix you something rather than saying "no, no, couldn't put you to the trouble," and then carry on complaining.

If you drink all your host's booze then offer to replace it. Do not say meaningfully: "We've run out of wine you know." We have not run out of wine you slimy twatwaffle, you drank it all you utter bastard

If you don't like cats don't come and stay with me. I will not shut them outside for the duration of your visit just because you find cats 'creepy' - they live here, you don't, now off you fuck.

If you ask to go grocery shopping with your hostess, and go round piling beer, magazines and costly snacks into the trolley it is really, really rude to not offer to pay for any of it when you get to the check out.

If the house has two bathrooms - one regular and one en-suite off your host's bedroom, it is rude to 'nip in' without asking to use your host's admittedly oversized bathtub with jets when there is a perfectly good shower and bath tub available in the normal bathroom. Your host does not appreciate not being able to get into his own bathroom to take his medication and your hostess will be seriously peeved to later discover that you used loads of her products while you were in there.

I have now developed a tendency to be unavailable for booking when any of the above make noises about coming to visit us

SonicMiddleAge · 30/08/2011 06:50

If you ask to borrow my pc to check your emails don't click on stupid links and kill my pc with a virus.
Spending a day of your holiday re-arranging my (admittedly somewhat disorganised) garage is just wierd
If we have cooked dinner for you every night, when we go upstairs to put the dcs to bed, it would be nice if you maybe used some of that time to clear the table
Please don't smoke on my front veranda, and leave a beer bottle with the butts by the door. It makes us look like bogans, and also the girls try and play with the cigarette infused glass bottle in the morning.

LynetteScavo · 30/08/2011 07:59

If your hosts have stair gates, please close them after you. They are there for a reason.

Mibby · 30/08/2011 08:46

Letting the baby play with, and drink from, your can of cider because you think its cute will not endear you to your hosts. Neither will calling me 'precious' when I take it off her

LynetteScavo · 30/08/2011 09:01

If you are potty training your toddler, please do not leave their full potty in the living room/hall anywhere you fancy.

Especially if your host has a crawling baby who is likely to pour the contents over themselves.

MotherofPearl · 30/08/2011 09:10

Good lord, some of you have truly terrible house guests! I agree with lots of the above, but actually since we had our first DC about 3 years ago, I've noticed a sharp decline in our house guest numbers! Before we had a comfy spare room, and I had the time to make grand dinners and provide fresh croissants and hot coffee in the mornings. Now of course house guests must content themselves with the sofa bed in the study and fend for themselves on the meals front - suddenly our friends don't seem to stay as often! Odd that.

dollydoops · 30/08/2011 09:20

Can I add a helpful hint for hosts?
If you have (entirely reasonably) asked us to stay in a local b and b, as there is no room in your house for three of us, two of you and your four month old baby, do not, when taken out for lunch, pick lobster, thereby ensuring that the meal for us all costs £100. Do not subsequently suggest going out for tea and then slip off at bill-paying time, leaving us to pay AGAIN. Our weekend trip has now cost us most of our monthly going out budget.

HeavyHeidi · 30/08/2011 09:45

My pets live here. No I won't keep them outside for the duration of your visit and I most certainly will not put them in the kennel. If you or your PFB are afraid of them or their "germs" then you can stay somewhere else. Easy.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 30/08/2011 09:46

MotherofPearl I agree - we used to have a spare room, provided meals, had lots of visitors. Now we have a blow-up bed in front room, complete with early-morning wake-up from bouncy children, people aren't so keen.

My mum is actively moving to a smaller house with no spare room as she is fed up with hosting. They have one set of friends who stay for six weeks every year. Not any more!

My tip would be - if you are invited to stay at someone's house, the invite is for you and your husband. Do not feel free to extend the invitation to brother-in-law, random aunty, cousins etc. and assume that this will be fine.

ChristinedePizan · 30/08/2011 09:48

I really hope most of these people are your family. If my friends described in any of the ways you describe, they'd be off the xmas card list pronto

Kveta · 30/08/2011 09:57

do not complain that the lighting is too dim throughout the house and demand that all the lampshades are removed and the bulbs replaced with ones of higher wattage. then go out for the evening leaving other house guests and your host feeling like they are being interrogated by the ceilings.

do not use 2 packets of bog roll in 1 weekend (8 rolls) without some sort of explanation or offer to buy more.

(both of these are mad SIL at FILs house)

do not turn up with your own bedding, towels, coffee machine, coffee, mugs, spoons, milk, biscuits, and evening meal when you are visiting a family member who has all 4 limbs and a functioning brain. Said family member will be insulted, especially when she has prepared the guest bed for you, and got in coffee and a french press thing specially, and has baked you biscuits, and cooked you a full meal. (my father)

and the opposite applies when you invite someone for lunch - don't open the door to them and say 'we've eaten lunch, so I haven't got you anything. I might have some spare bread if you'd like?' (sister)

DrewsGirl · 30/08/2011 10:01

I hate it when guests ask if they are allowed a bath or allowed a brew. I have taken to saying no in these situations and seeing the look on there faces.

When i have told them on numerous occasions it is fine to have a bath - in fact i would really prefer it to you not bathing for 3 days! And i would also like you to make a brew when you want one, not expect me to get up from what i am doing to make you one, i am not a maid!

bigbadbarry · 30/08/2011 10:02

When your host says she has to pop to the shop for something for lunch (because you are still there at 1230 despite "planning to leave after coffee time") do not say oh I was going to offer to do that. The difference between this and actually offering will not go undetected. Do not then add items of groceries that you need for your evening meal when you do at last go home to the list for said shop visit then fail to pay for them.

CeliaFate · 30/08/2011 10:05

Ooh I've got one! Sil invited us round on New Year's Day so we could show them how to work their new camera. We banged on the door, rang landlines and mobiles. We then rang their dd who said they were in.

Eventually dh's brother came to the door and said, "we didn't hear you knocking".

Sil then cooked chicken nuggets and chips for dd, put a portion out for herself and said, "There's some bread and cheese in the garage if you want Celia". (They'd had a party the previous night and party food was put in the garage)
Do I look like a fucking mouse?!

littlewheel · 30/08/2011 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saffronwblue · 30/08/2011 10:22

It does not make it easier for your hosts if you are airily vague about what time you are arriving. You are coming on a plane, you must know if you are going to be arriving morning, noon or night. My mother in law did this to my mother and DM spent all day stuck at home, hovering with both lunch and dinner ready to swing into action for the arrival.

littlewheel · 30/08/2011 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WuzzAndBuddy · 30/08/2011 10:55

I'm going to print this thread out and leave it on the table next time MiL and her disgusting husband guests come to stay, do you think they'd actually pay attention...?
To be fair, when she used to visit on her own she was fine, actually a great help, its the vile drip she brings with her now that turns my stomach and irritates me to my core.

In a strange way, its nice to read we're not the only ones with bad guests!

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