Helpful hints for houseguests:

[lovelybertha]

1. Take care not to make the assumption that because your host lives in a seaside town, they want to be running a guest house.

2. If you'd like a clean towel, ask. Leaving wet towels in the bath/on floor of bathroom will not provide a signal for housekeeping staff (see point 1).

3. Attempt to keep your belongings as contained as possible. Hanging your manky dressing gown up in the living room is neither appropriate or necessary.

4. Take care to remove any pubic hairs that might stick to the communal bar of soap. Particularly if their colour makes them very distinctly yours.

5. If breakfasting extra specially early in a household with pre-school age children, note that it will be much appreciated if you don't eat the last banana and drink the last of the milk.

6. Leaving mugs and inadequately scraped plates in the sink is not as helpful as putting them in the dishwasher. Running a bit of water on to them is not the same as washing up.

7. Bags of bread are to be opened from the top. Ripping a hole in the side and taking slices from the middle, is quite simply, really fucking annoying.

8. If you offer to 'treat' your host to a 'night off cooking', they will assume you are offering to either cook a meal yourself or take everyone out. A ready meal from Asda will underwhelm.

9. If your host is providing you an alternative to hotel accommodation whilst you work (and earn loads of money) in their home town, failure to note the above hints, and going on about how much money you're saving will be interpreted as 'Taking The Piss'.

10. Following from point 9: It's nice to say 'thank you'. Gifts (ie. bottle of wine/ flowers/ chocs) will be gratefully received by your host.

Do not answer our phone when my elderly anxious uncle rings, and flirtatiously make him guess who he is speaking to!

Don't piss on my sofa, that's all I ask. And yes I really have had a guest who pissed on my sofa, luckily not my current sofa.

Don't expect me to pay the train ticket you'll need to fuck off out of my town.

Don't insist on coming to stay for 2 weeks "to help" after your hostess has had a c-section, when actually you intend to sit on the sofa holding the hostesses new baby, declining to hand him back to visibly unhappy hostess after a reasonable cuddle and demanding instead that hostess brings you cups of tea made to your very precise specification, and does house work that you feel you are there to pint out need doing (mother)

Do not say you don't mind what we have for lunch then complain that provided pasta lunch is "too heavy, I thought we'd just have a few bits and pieces" (what does that even mean mother)

Don't think that staying in the kitchen for 5 mins after dinner on the last night of your 2 week stay and pushing the plates and everything else into the middle of the table and then sitting down in the living room and saying "I tidied up a bit but I don't know what you usually do about the dishwasher" is helpful, and makes up for the 2 weeks of your stay during which you have sat on your bum - we usually pack it, is what we usually do with it...

Do not complain you don't like my friends and ask me to drive you to other multiple destinations of your choice to buy yourself some new clothes and other items when I have a friend coming over to see me during your long stay, and I am not really meant to be driving yet post c-section.

and one that is not my mother...

Do not assume your hostess, who has a small baby whom she has mentioned wakes for several night feeds, will be happy to supervise your small children every morning for your 6 night stay, from 6am to 9am while you sleep in, on the basis hostess's kids are up too. Especially when your kids fight constantly between themselves and whine a lot, seem to be incapable of dressing themselves and going out into the garden with hostess's small children despite being similar ages, and have fussy and complex breakfast requirements.

You poor, poor hosts.

I'm troubled though. Does everybody agree with AllieZ's view on pets? Our cat is allowed to roam freely through the house and sleep where she likes. If we have guests, I shut the door to the spare room so that she can't get in. If they're daft enough to leave the door open, seems to me that's there own lookout if they find her sleeping on the bed...

I didn't realised that our failure to restrict her to the kitchen and garden meant that we were somehow insufficiently valuing any potential visitors.

I thought that lots of people treated their pets as surrogate children and, frankly, so what?

Anyone that comes to ours knows we have pets, and if they have a problem with the pets acting as if (shock horror) they live there, then they are totally welcome not to stay.

Did give one guest the option of sleeping in the living room as the rats cages were in the spare room, but they chose the spare room and to complain to mutual friends that we made them stay in there.

IsItMeOr, I love cats but am allergic, they make me sneezy, itchy eyed and in some cases wheezy. I can cope during the day if I can head outside if I'm getting bad but would not be able to sleep in a bed that had cat hair on it and would even find it uncomfortable in a room with cat hair on the carpets keeping everyone awake with my sneezing and coughing. However I agree if my host had hoovered prior to my arrival and shut the door to the bedroom it would be up to me to ensure the door was kept shut. Also I'm perfectly aware that it is my choice to stay at a house with cats so I really need to shut up and put up, however I do find most of my friends make an effort to accommodate me as we enjoy spending time together.

5moreminutes Do we have the same mother.

Regular house guest no1

PUT YOUR TISSUES IN THE BIN

Put your labels and random bits of paper in the bin

Put used baby bottles in the kitchen, the coffee table doesn't look good with the previous 24 hrs worth of bottles on it

Keep bags closed and tidy in a corner, NOT hsand bag spilling over the sofa, changing bag spilling across the floor and various plastic bags full of random crap everywhere

If I say we need to go out at 11am that doesn't mean decide to start straightening your hair at 11am, yes you have a baby to get ready but so do I plus a 3 year old and a 4 year old and anyway you were the same before baby

Regular houseguest no2

Don't whip kids up into a screaming hyper frenzy 5 min before bedtime

Don't feed kids sweets 5 min before teatime

Don't eat food I was going to use for tea, I mean who eats several large carrots as a snack??

Don't announce that you think we should go camping - that very day and then get stroppy when we explain the logistics and planning of going anywhere with 3 small children - especially a 5 month baby, plus nights in april are freezing!!

Regular Houseguest no3
Please please please please teach no 1 and no 2 how to be a good house guest although doing 2 loads of washing, hoovering and feeding, washing and dressing several small children before the hosts have even got up is probably beyond their capabilities!!!!

• do not complain about how late we eat if you have been sitting watching TV whilst I bath & put the kids to bed and prepare everyone a nice meal

• do not offer to cook a meal but leave all the dirty pans for me to wash up

• do not lie in until 11.30 then get a bit annoyed when I say I can't go out straight away because the kids will need their lunch at 12. Especially annoying when they have been cooped up in the house all morning waiting for you to get up

Guest 1 If one of your DC has...

1. Been very fussy or on hunger strike until you give them sweets instead of meals meaning they will not sit at the table like everyone else
2. Keeps the house knee deep in toys and NEVER tidies up
3. Acted like a complete banshee and will not listen to instructions such as 'please do not jump off the table you will hurt yourself and it is very silly/'
4. Taken a small bite of every piece of fruit and helped themselves to treats from a locked cupboard;

• do not say to the host's DC 'you will be' in response to 'I'm sorry' for standing on something YOU left on the floor.

Guest 2 If your host has kindly stayed in the same bedroom as your children because they get up 10 times a night and if you get up at lunchtime instead of taking over at breakfast ( as agreed), it may be nice to say thanks and not disappear back upstairs to paint nails etc instead of feeding YOUR kids lunch.

DocDuck oh yes...I feel your pain! happened to me too- had just gone from BF to expressing due to horrendous mastitis and MIL from hell descended on us when DD aged 8 weeks- she didn't help out once, only criticized every aspect of bottle feeding - was totally insensitive to fact that I was quite saddened to not be able to Bf any more and kept literally snatching DD away from me to feed her. Could have fucking killed her.
This thread is brilliant.

I can't believe some of these they are truely shocking! Fortunately due to the size of our place we've only ever had people stay for one night maximum but mine would be:

1. If you're coming for dinner please don't do the washing up-you are our guests and we really don't expect you to. By all means help clear the table but doing all the washing up and putting it away makes me feel like a bad hostess. Especially when you so adamently refuse to let me reciprocate when at your house. Other than this you're welcome anytime because you are lovely people :D

1. (Different guest) If you need to use the toilet please refrain from pissing all over the floor then leaving it for the hostess to clear it up.

1. Additionally if you are visiting either just for the evening or crashing on our sofa it would be polite to shower in the weeks days beforehand. Having to air out the entire flat on your departure is not a pleasant thing to have to do.

1. (DH was still living at home at this point and IL's had been away on holiday for a week) If someone (me) has taken the time to scrub your kitchen clean ready for your arrival home a simple 'thank you' would be nice rather than a scornful look that indicates it clearly isn't up to your Hyacinth Bucket standards.

These aren't me but my parent's and IL's experiences:

1. If you are visiting your old friends from the other side of the country for 2 weeks don't sit on the sofa refusing to go anywhere or help out, it's rude and makes the hosts feel like they can't do anything themselves.

1. Do not get drunk and throw up all over the bathroom, miraculously missing the toilet completely then leave it for the hostess to clean up (my poor mum).

1. If visiting from abroad at least give an estimate of the time or even day of your arrival. While it is appreciated that it is going to be a rather last minute flight it's unfair to make the hosts put everything on hold for over a week on the possibility you'll need picking up from the airport.

1. At a party do not eat all the hosts specially bought cheese and drink his (hidden) expensive brandy before anyone else has had a look in then complain when there isn't any more.

Lastly this one is for me because i'm really bad at it:

1. Always remove your shoes when entering someones home. Just because you grew up in a house that was very lax on this doesn't mean everyone shares the same view.

Oh! I just remembered another one:

10. When visiting either at a party or just as a family do not be an antisocial git and sit watching sports the whole time or make your entire family leave early so you can get home to watch the boxing (ex-uncle).

Do not leave your handbreak off and let your car knock down the neighbour's wall. (Although that one was quite funny, for me and dc)

When your hostess gets an urgent phonecall to go and help a friend in the village with an urgent childcare/illness problem, do not attempt to go along to 'help'. This is an elaborate reciprocal arrangement that we use to get some time out from our mothers when they visit us.

Do not preface every single statement with, 'sorry'. The dc and I count how many times you do it.

Do not criticise that my neighbours have lovely gardens and therefore they must have 'nothing better to do'. If you really must satisfy your urge to criticise, read the Daily Mail.

Do not criticise me for buying the Daily Mail. I only ever buy it when you visit so that you can find something to criticise that does not involve me, dc or my friends.

Do not criticise dh for not being around to help with dc. He only plays golf when you visit, for obvious reasons.

If you are going to park yourself in my house for days on end, please bring my father, so that at least he can take you out for the odd walk to give us a break. Although he probably sees your visits to me as his 'break', so I guess we have to share the burden.

Do not expect me to fall back in horror when you tell me which sons of your friends are homosexual. I don't find it horrifying, I don't want to talk about which ones played with my dolls. Please refer to my previous comment about reading the Daily Mail which I have helpfully bought for you.

Please do not criticise me for being 'too thin'. I think that your only regret that I am a healthy weight is that you can not tell me that I am 'broad in the beam', which you said to me when I was 16 and you are bloody lucky that I did not develop an eating disorder.

and please, please do not then describe your visit as 'helping Jemima out'.

Do not criticise me for smoking. I am not smoking a cigarette, I am smoking cannabis to ease the pain of listening to your stories that begin with 'I'll make you laugh'. I don't smoke it much but I do when you plonk yourself on me.

Do not offer to cook. I had quite enough of your version of cooking when I was growing up.

Do not complain when dh gives you a gin and tonic that is too strong. He does it in order to knock you out. I have restrained him from adding a ground up zopiclone on the basis that you had a heart problem years ago and it might actually kill you.

When I give you a list of local open gardens and national trust properties, I am trying to get you out of the house. And no, the dc do not wish to go with you. We want to confer about our counting how many times you say 'sorry' game.

(Somebody stop me)

Do not turn your back to me in the kitchen when I have a frying pan in my hand.

5moreminutes - i posted a few pages back about my mum 'helping' after a csection. i also drove before i should and even when she did offer to drive i had to carry the baby in the car seat because she couldnt manage him!!

Jemima - Sounds like you need this Now breathe

Thanks, DrewsGirl. I love having houseguests for a weekend, and (even though I love it, and pretend that we are running a bed and breakfast) I also love it when they leave, having given them a lovely time. I don't really mind what they do, as long as they only stay for a maximum of 3 nights. My mother appears to think that she has unlimited access to my house.

The blessed joy is that my brother has started to have children so she can piss off to them. And argue with my brother's mil, who also seems to have taken up residence (although she is a bit of a love and a wonderful cook).

I have 3 cats and 2 big dogs. I warn all the guests about this, several times. I also ask if people have allergies and then suggest that we meet/stay somewhere else.
So coming over anyway and then declaring, that you assumed that I will keep the "animals" outside during the visit is not the greatest idea. They are pets, not livestock. (keeping them off the guest bed is a reasonable request, that's why the guest bedroom has a door that can be closed).

jemima

I always thought I'd hate running a B&B but actually, I might as well, and also at least you get paid for it and all you have to provide is a bed and breakfast - no lunch, no evening meal, no sight-seeing, no endless bottles of wine. I've realised it's costing me an absolute fortune the amount of guests we have (as much as I love having them )