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Original poster

Helpful hints for houseguests:

337 replies

lovelybertha · 29/08/2011 13:05

  1. Take care not to make the assumption that because your host lives in a seaside town, they want to be running a guest house.

  2. If you'd like a clean towel, ask. Leaving wet towels in the bath/on floor of bathroom will not provide a signal for housekeeping staff (see point 1).

  3. Attempt to keep your belongings as contained as possible. Hanging your manky dressing gown up in the living room is neither appropriate or necessary.

  4. Take care to remove any pubic hairs that might stick to the communal bar of soap. Particularly if their colour makes them very distinctly yours.

  5. If breakfasting extra specially early in a household with pre-school age children, note that it will be much appreciated if you don't eat the last banana and drink the last of the milk.

  6. Leaving mugs and inadequately scraped plates in the sink is not as helpful as putting them in the dishwasher. Running a bit of water on to them is not the same as washing up.

  7. Bags of bread are to be opened from the top. Ripping a hole in the side and taking slices from the middle, is quite simply, really fucking annoying.

  8. If you offer to 'treat' your host to a 'night off cooking', they will assume you are offering to either cook a meal yourself or take everyone out. A ready meal from Asda will underwhelm.

  9. If your host is providing you an alternative to hotel accommodation whilst you work (and earn loads of money) in their home town, failure to note the above hints, and going on about how much money you're saving will be interpreted as 'Taking The Piss'.

  10. Following from point 9: It's nice to say 'thank you'. Gifts (ie. bottle of wine/ flowers/ chocs) will be gratefully received by your host.

OP posts:
mamadoc · 31/08/2011 18:01

When staying for one night please consider whether it is really necessary to bring your two hairy dogs and ........a tortoise! (I'm sorry but I don't accept that your adult son is incapable of being left in charge of the dogs let alone a hibernating reptile!)

If you must bring said menagerie please respect that your host does not share your relaxed attitude to dog hair, muddy paws and doggy saliva especially around her baby. Please don't assume it is ok for your dogs to sleep on my spare bed or the sofa.

It is unnecessary to bring left over food with you! If you didn't want to eat an enormous marrow and some limp lettuce what makes you think I will!

cambridgeferret · 31/08/2011 19:28

From the guests point of view:
Don't smile and think how helpful your guests are if they keep offering to go in the kitchen and make tea. They're most likely slipping extra tea bags in the teapot because your tea looks like well diluted wee.

If your dog sits next to the guest and slips out a particularly toxic fart, don't be offended if they stand up and come out with something along the lines of "bloody hell he's let one". There is always the possibility that it actually was the dog.

MotherOfHobbit · 31/08/2011 20:14

Lol! I started looking at this thread wondering what I might have inadvertently done to offend someone but no longer concerned. Wow, where do you all find these people?

nowwearefour · 31/08/2011 20:24
  • Do not announce from the other side of the world that you are coming to stay for a bit and need picking up at an airport not very near to your house when you have two v v small children at an inconvenient time.
  • Do not stay for four months and refuse to listen to any hints until an explicit request to leave is issued.
  • Notice when your hosts are trying to sell their house and you are cramping the entire place up with your stuff
  • When you offer money towards food, it is refused if you are staying for say up to a week. If you planned to stay for months and go out to work, maybe say so or insist on paying.
  • When your hosts go on holiday do not empty the entire contents of the freezer instead of bothering to buy any food of your own
  • When a family member has a life threatening illness when you are staying it might be considered rude if you never ever ask whether that person is still alive or not after you move out
  • A thank you of some kind for living for FOUR MONTHS uninvited in someone else's house might have been appreciated. a note, chocolates, bottle of wine or SOMETHING
  • Never being in contact again seems rather rude (although you wont be allowed back i am quite sure!)
Tattyhead78 · 31/08/2011 21:32

This is so funny! I have only got halfway through the thread (I need new glasses and can't see very well), but you have been very unlucky with your houseguests, it's opened my eyes. Having said that, I really hate it when people foray into the kitchen to make their own tea, because then they will discover that perhaps everything isn't quite as clean and tidy as it appears on the surface... Anyway, that's just me, they obviously mean well. Funnily enough, I have a regular guest who stayed with us a couple of times for a couple of weeks (and at other times for shorter periods of time). When she stayed for longer I was quite happy to let her discover the secrets of my kitchen. Perhaps I was secretly hoping this would put her off staying any longer... Anyway, she still visits me and always brings a thoughtful gift, compliments me on a nicely cooked meal etc., so perhaps my kitchen isn't that bad...

ScarletOHaHa · 31/08/2011 21:49

Tattyhead78, your visitor sounds lovely. Where are the thoughtless nutters?

TheArmadillo · 31/08/2011 21:52

don't puke on the sofa and then use a tea towel to cover it before leaving.

Your hosts housemates will not be impressed having to clear it up when they return from work especially as by that point it will have been there for over 12 hours and be stinking the place out.

AllieZ · 31/08/2011 21:57

It's amazing (and disgusting) what some people do in other people's house.
However, having read through all the 10 pages at a go I have to point out that posters are often complaining about the same thing equally divided pro and contra:
~ don't look into cupboards/find and make drinks for yourself;
~ contribute to food/don't bring food;
~ ask before you touch something/don't pester me, you are old enough to figure it out;
etc.

Someone here was complaining about guests leaving "food they don't eat" in the fridge after leaving "cluttering it up". Well, throw it out! Or better, you could try eating new things you don't normally eat?

Also as regards pets: I don't like cats very much but this in itself wouyld not prevent me from going somewhere: probably because my brother, who likes cats, understands that i don't, so when I stay with him the cat is not allowed into my room; and btw his cat isn't allowed into his bedroom either and is encouraged to stay in the kitchen and garden. So knowing that you have cats would not deter me - but having them jump into beds, settees and insisting on sitting on my lap would. So, shall I clarify before visiting you? As in "do you understand that cats are animals and keep them as ones, or do you mistake them for children?" This apart from the fact that you can say that "my pets live here, you don't" but for most people people are more important than animals...

All in all, it seems to me that many people here play host to guests they don't want to have at all: why don't you just say no? I only have guests whom I want to have.

ellisbell · 31/08/2011 22:09

tomorrow I shall come and read the whole thread but AllieZ some "guests" find it very difficult to take no for an answer. We have guests who invited themselves, insisted on coming when when told several dates were inconvenient and did quite a few of the things mentioned in a few posts I have read. We've moved now and they don't have our new address Smile

cherrysodalover · 31/08/2011 22:10

Don't offer to take your hosts out for dinner and then leave it so late that only a takeaway is an option-wow the strategies of the cheapskates!
Don't expect an airport run for your friends who you have turned up with when you have your own hire car and have been offered the satnav. Your hosts have a baby to put to bed after they have cooked for you.
Don't wait for your hosts to step forward to pay for stuff that they take you to do at the weekend.

Thanks for the therapy!

PurpleLostPrincess · 31/08/2011 22:10

AllieZ, I think you're over-analysing this thread. Many people have said these awful people have not been allowed back or haven't come back - there's no way of knowing how people will behave!

I don't think the purpose of this thread is to discuss the issue; it's more a fun way of sharing experiences had and getting frustrations off the posters chest as such. I myself have read through and played out my own reaction in my head to each situation, but it would change the flavour of the thread for me to respond as such. DD1 and I have been reading through aghast at all these disgusting people!

Thankfully I've not had any bad experiences so far in life. Having said that, I've just watched my poor parents have some very much loved relatives come over from Canada for 6 weeks. It was my Great Auntie and Great Uncle. We are all very close, but the uncle took a lot of patience to live with and it left my parents utterly exhausted as they are getting on a bit and not in good health themselves, bless them!

youarekidding · 31/08/2011 22:14

When the host has spent ages cooking a lovely roast for 9 people, and after 2 bites your PFB DD asks 'whats for pudding' tell them to eat their dinner and see if there's something else and then proceed to eat from your child's plate because hosts DS has told them there's chocolate gateaux and your DD really wants it. and then praise your DD for eating so well. Hmm

You may find host does adult coffees after whilst children are chucked in the garden hungry and the gateux is served in front of a DVD some hours later. Mean yes, but I could fill this thread about this particular visitee. Grin

Do not go into hosts room 20 seconds after their baby wakes screaming and tell them to 'get up and deal with their child'. mum.

Oh and then the next day after lack of sleep when you've had a lie-in whilst host takes DS out so you can, then offer to watch DS for an hour whilst host has a quick tidy up.

ScarletOHaHa · 31/08/2011 22:15

I can't say no to guests because my husband lives here too and has a say. We live many miles away from our home town and it is too far to travel there to here in a day.

Eglu · 31/08/2011 22:24

I've not had any houseguests who are anywhere near this. Can I bethe first to vote for this going into classics.

Isla77 · 31/08/2011 22:25

Do not ask your hostess if she could kindly cook you (my brother - in - law) a full english breakfast with orange juice to start and toast and marmalade and tea to finish at 13.00 hours on Christmas Day when you have just emerged from the bed she kindly let you sleep in and she is right in the middle of cooking the christmas dinner for you, mother - in - law, other brother - in -law, DH (who is helping by the way) herself and three very hyper children under the age of 5. Oh - and when your hostess declines this requests and tells you to make tea and toast for yourself but nothing else as both ovens and every ring on the cooker are in use do not go and tell your mother that hostess is being mean to you! Yes, this did happen to me and I think I might have murdered youngest brother - in - law if DH had not backed me up.

Laquitar · 31/08/2011 22:30

If you are visiting from abroad stop fucking moan about the rain. You knew Britain is rainy before you come, we don't have to apologize every 5 min for not providing you sunshine in October Hmm

Stop slagging off the country and its people, we lived in it half of our lives, half off our friends are British and ditto our dcs so it is very insulting.

Laquitar · 31/08/2011 22:34

Oh and another one

Heathrow and Gatwick are not just at the corner so i cant just pop 5 minutes (with 3 dcs) to collect you.

PurpleLostPrincess · 31/08/2011 22:44

I was just thinking that Eglu - how does one go about doing that?!?

youarekidding · 31/08/2011 22:47

Yeah classics definatly. Another who doesn't know how to request this.

youarekidding · 31/08/2011 22:53

Oh another.

When host has laid a table with drinks for everyone, and is serving up what people want , and your DD, 8yo ffs, asks for another drink and is told yes, when I've served up.

Either make her one yourself or stop her asking every 5 seconds for one until it's made. Alternatively if you don't do this don't make out the host is evil for telling your DD that she's said yes but needs to wait whilst dinner is served.
She WILL NOT dehydrate - I can ensure you.

Oh and removing the sobbing girl from the table, to the sofa for 'cuddles' and ignoring host when she's asking what they want will make you look like a bit of a twat.

Empusa · 31/08/2011 22:53

You can report the thread and recommend it for classics.

AllieZ I can safely say that none of the nightmare houseguests I've ever had the pleasure of dealing with ever got invited back. And wouldn't have been invited at all if we'd have been psychic known in advance.

Not sure those whose family members have been problems have that luxury.

You can't really blame the hosts for the behaviour of their guests.

PurpleLostPrincess · 31/08/2011 22:58

Done - first time!

As you were... WinkSmile

NumptyMum · 31/08/2011 23:25

Good lord, this makes me glad that I am currently in a home to small to have any guests (seriously - we have the children in cupboards as it is).

maybells · 31/08/2011 23:44

to not use my lovely white Egyptian cotton towels to remove the inch thick orange foundation you have slapped all over your face. how about using make up remover or even soap and water!
also adding to that how about not leaving every bit of cutlery you have used for 4 days in the sink to fester so mug i can wash it all up when i return from holiday!

DogMatic · 31/08/2011 23:59

Don't tell your hosts on the phone that the only reason you are visiting is to see the children and not you.

Don't bring tons of sweets for the children when your host has told you loads of times that they are trying to stop the dcs eating sweets so much.

Do shower.

Don't tell your hosts that you must come to stay every month and that you will help out and that you are great house guests if it's a big fat lie. You could make a cup of tea, put cups in sink etc.

Do give your hosts some space and stop following them around telling the same old storiess you've been telling for years. If your host is randomly wandering around the garden they are attempting to have a break from you, so don't follow. Try to converse rather than just wait for an opportunity to tell another storey.

Don't talk with your mouth full all the time and then get cross with the children for poi ting it out.

Don't tell the children off for crimes that your hosts don't have an issue with, they are their parents not you and putting too much cereal on their spoons isn't a big deal.

Don't tell the children that their mother is wrong and that it is ok to eat with your fork up, it's not.

Don't leave piles of newspapers, magazines, crap all over the house.

Do put clean sheets on the bed on the rare occasion that your host comes to stay with you.