Helpful hints for houseguests:

[lovelybertha]

1. Take care not to make the assumption that because your host lives in a seaside town, they want to be running a guest house.

2. If you'd like a clean towel, ask. Leaving wet towels in the bath/on floor of bathroom will not provide a signal for housekeeping staff (see point 1).

3. Attempt to keep your belongings as contained as possible. Hanging your manky dressing gown up in the living room is neither appropriate or necessary.

4. Take care to remove any pubic hairs that might stick to the communal bar of soap. Particularly if their colour makes them very distinctly yours.

5. If breakfasting extra specially early in a household with pre-school age children, note that it will be much appreciated if you don't eat the last banana and drink the last of the milk.

6. Leaving mugs and inadequately scraped plates in the sink is not as helpful as putting them in the dishwasher. Running a bit of water on to them is not the same as washing up.

7. Bags of bread are to be opened from the top. Ripping a hole in the side and taking slices from the middle, is quite simply, really fucking annoying.

8. If you offer to 'treat' your host to a 'night off cooking', they will assume you are offering to either cook a meal yourself or take everyone out. A ready meal from Asda will underwhelm.

9. If your host is providing you an alternative to hotel accommodation whilst you work (and earn loads of money) in their home town, failure to note the above hints, and going on about how much money you're saving will be interpreted as 'Taking The Piss'.

10. Following from point 9: It's nice to say 'thank you'. Gifts (ie. bottle of wine/ flowers/ chocs) will be gratefully received by your host.

Her main occupation is ending world poverty. Which puts me in a odd philosophical position of dreading the end of world poverty, because she would have nothing better to do than parking herself here.

privateprancer do they not invite you back?

a lot live near our parents so if we go 'home' we have to stay with them, others don't have kids & live in flats so no room for us all. We live by the seaside so that's why everyone flocks over!

Living by the seaside is a killer.

it sure is. We don't have time to do return visits because all our weekends are booked up with people coming to stay

I still don't quite understand the "I can't say 'no'" part, sorry (though I do understand that most of these rude guests were probably not invited back. But I think someone brough the example of a guest whom their DH had met 15 years before in another country or college? Why on earth would you go into putting someone like that up? Also: I have drawn people aside on the 2nd day and told them outspokenly that they will be expected to use the toilet brush after themselves or either get up for breakfast or miss it. They took it on board (one by leaving the following day but that was fine, too).

Even amongst the posts since yesterday some people complain that guests don't wash up - while someone says don't do it, you make me feel like a bad hostess. Guests can't be mind readers, you know.

As for pets, maybe I did not express my point well. What I meant to say was that knowing that your host has pets gives almost no information because people have pets "on a scale" of what said pets are allowed to do. One of my ex colleagues has 2 springer spaniels that never enter the house. They are kept outside all the time. This does not mean she and her huband don't like them, don't play with them, take them for walks, take them to be clipped etc. But they don't want them in the house. Full stop. I also know someone whose labrador is allowed iun the house but only downstairs and never on any furniture. My mother's cocker spaniel was allowed anywhere but the sitting room, that was a dog-free zone thinking of visitors who might not like dogs. In other words before visiting you I need more info than the fact that you have a dog and 2 cats: I need to know how you keep them: whether I'll find cats in my bed or whether I will be expected to put up with a cat jumping onto my lap if I sit down onto the settee. (One time I visited a friend, sat down in an armchair and a male cat jumped on my lap and started vigorously licking his privates. Ugh.)

AllieZ - would you really say no to your in laws, siblings, DH's best friend?

Blimey, you are a guest, you are not paying, I see no need to give you chapter and verse on my pet keeping habits. If you can't handle being around animals don't come to stay....simple.....

I'm scared of AllieZ.

(I think that I might know privateprancer; were you ever part of the 'make emergency phonecalls to avoid mother club? We had a rota)

AllieZ I don't want people to wash up if they have come for dinner or one night. I don't even want them to make their own hot drinks or open my fridge - in fact, I dont' want them to step inside the kitchen unless they are chatting to me. More than 24 hours, you move to long-term resident status and are expected to muck in a bit :)

no jugglingjemima but can I join please?

When your hostess gets an urgent phonecall to go and help a friend in the village with an urgent childcare/illness problem, do not attempt to go along to 'help'. This is an elaborate reciprocal arrangement that we use to get some time out from our mothers when they visit us.

@privateprancer: You need at least 5 in or you get in danger of being accused of Munchasens.

hello youarekidding , drewsgirl and Jemima! and fellow feeling to all of you! I want to join your mother avoidance phone call club too please!
My mothers sins were committed after the birth of dc2, I more recently had number 3 (also a section) and made it clear dh qas taking time off work this time, no help was needed and my parents would be welcome to come over together to meet dc3, but would be more comfortable in a guest house :) They are not badly off and can well afford to stay elsewhere. Sounds mean but it was slightly less painful and means we are still speaking! My mother still insists on going home and informing my sisters, who live locally to her so never have her as a guest, that she has been over to "help" me with the new baby - but then I am learning that most of what she tells me about her interactions with them is history instantly re-written too...

AlieZ, we were the unfortunate hosts of my husband's youth hostel acquaintance. When he phoned to invite himself, DH told him that FIL was terribly ill, but being a big softie was unable to say - so please do not come. My issue with the guest was that he did not have the sensitivity to realise that this was a bad time to land on people. Oh, and that while waiting for the phone to ring with news from the hospital and entertaining the dcs, I did not have head space to talk about each detail of our guest's trip around Australia. I did not care where he went next or what the forecast was going to be. I also felt sad when he showed me photos of his little DS who it is clear he hardly ever sees.

The modus operandi (pre-planned) would be that we would reach the point of no return (frying pan in kitchen scenario with the mother daring to turn her back, at which point it gets dangerous; and don't get me started on family 'holidays'), and then would text (to the rota member of the reciprical rescue club) 'call now. NOW!'' Then we would receive an urgent request for some made up disease (preferably involving hospitalisation) and explain to mother that she had to hold the fort (taking dcs with me, because they were clearly accomplices). Then she could have weeded the garden or (another engaging pastime) rearramging my entire kitchen and hiding things like potato peelers according to her whim. I am still finding kitchen implements that she has hidden.

Or read the Daily Mail. I think that my father owes me compensation.

I love having houseguests and was pleasantly surprised how easy it was living with my mil for a week, once we got over the 'pleasantries' stage. The only thing I don't care for is when she gets up from the breakfast table and thanks me for a great fry up, takes her Express and her rollies and announces she is off to the loo to say goodbye to said breakfast. I don't really need to know.

Had a friend and her latest bf stay last year, he drank a litre of vodka, fought with everyone and then wet my brand new feather mattress on the spare bed. Also broke the shower door and didn't mention it. Fessed up about the bed then started to drink beer at the breakfast table. Friend offered to have it dry cleaned but I put it in the bin. He won't be asked back.

why is she hiding kitchen implements? does she disapprove of potatoe peelers?

And when we visit you:

Making your granddaughter sit on a towel in the utility room to eat a biscuit to avoid getting crumbs on your precious carpet is weird.

Then again, getting something to eat or drink at your house is a minor miracle so we should be grateful.

(a couple of years previously) making me feed said granddaughter out of a jar, in her buggy in said utility room while you and a couple of my aunts and cousins sat down to a nice Christmas dinner in the dining room (no place for either of us I might add) is weirder. However, I did get to admire the (spectacular) cake made by my ex-pastry chef cousin (though I didn't get a slice) so that's alright then.

Saying "she wants a wallop" when either of your granddaughters is kicking off is not helpful. She probably wants her lunch anyway, or has detected some tension in the atmosphere as we are made to feel we are bringing a pair of Tasmanian Devils to visit the Queen Mother. They're not always angels but they are 4 so make some allowances.

I have no idea about the potato peelers. I have resorted to keeping one in my handbag and and one in my knicer draw. I think it was/is an attenpt to start a conversation. Who knows?

My MIL hides my potato peeler too!

No, inlaws, you cannot come to stay and bring DP's brother too. This is a small two bedroom house. It has one single guest bed, in the study. Which I need access to even while you're here, and thus the fact that you bring everything and the kitchen sink, plus a spare kitchen sink just in case, for a one night stay is not helpful. There is no room for three of you unless you wish for two of you to sleep on the floor of the living room, which I know you don't. Go to a B&B, you can afford it and it will massively reduce the chances of me strangling anyone. DP's brother can stay here, as there is only one of him and thus the guest bed is proper accomodation. Also he's actually good company.

When you descend on aforementioned small two bedroom house with five people, don't suddenly 'suggest' that I will make everyone lunch. I don't mind, but if I'm making lunch for 7 people instead of just me and DP, I'd like more than 10 minutes notice so I can make sure there's somewhere for everyone to sit, and enough food in the fridge.

If I look a bit taken aback at said 'suggestion', and you offer to help, that does not mean one of you helps while the other 4 sit on their arses. Oh, sorry, two of you helped. Except all the second did was destroy my favourite pan. Yes, I had to replace it. No, it wasn't salvageable. No, I'm not happy.

Don't move the furniture without asking if it's alright. I don't go round to your house and move the furniture. Hell, I don't even go round to your house and move a coaster to put my drink on, because you'll have a strop.

If you must move the furniture, don't comment on how long it's been since I hoovered under the sofa. If you hadn't moved the damned sofa you'd never have known, would you?

Do not criticise my housekeeping on three points before you've even taken your coat off. In fact, do not criticise my housekeeping full stop, it's really rude.

Do not then put the kettle on, still wearing your coat, while I'm trying to get a grip on my temper so I don't tell you what I really think of your criticism. Go take the coat off and I might offer you a cup of tea, if you'll give me a chance to actually act like a hostess.

Oh this is cathartic!

ScarletOHaHa - we give everyone a chance. If they do something they really shouldn't (like leaving skid marks on the toilet or giving a sweet to our dcs after we have said no sweets before dinner etc.), one of us tells him/her immediately in private. This way we don't have to put up with an impossible houseguest for several days or even weeks. As for DH's best friend (from college) after we had to "talk to him in private" twice during the first day, DH himself asked him to leave. He moved to a nearby B&B for the rest of the week and they spent great time together every day, but we did not have to put up with his toilet- and eating habits any more. We did have one close family member who was unbearable during a weekend visit. We deflected her next 3 attempts to come and stay with us. When the 4th attempt came, we let her back in and she was like an angel and a real help. She had got the message. People can be trained, you know.

Blackduck, you can even have your pets sleep between you and OH in the marital bed, I don't care. I just want to know beforehand whether I will be also expected to sleep with cats.

Alliez, sorry but dogs that never enter the house? And they were called pets? My PIL-s had dogs like that, but they were rightfully considered working animals, pretty much like horses. Pets, on the other hand, are part of the family and I would not even think about specifying that yes, mine are allowed indoors.
It's like specifying that by the way, I have kids and they are also allowed to enter the sitting room (I know a family where they weren't, sitting room was for guests only, so you never know).

Also, cats are quite unpredictible so I'm pretty sure the host did not exactly know if the cat in question would jump on your lap and lick himself. It's quite ok to push them down though.