Jumping in as a woman with 20 years’ experience of Ethical Non Monogamy, most intsensley over the last 4-5 years. (ENM is My preferred label, but spans experience of swinging, sex clubs, group play, polyamory, bdsm). You can find a thread I started a few years ago which did actually end up a thoughtful exploration on some areas of that experience.
im going to pick out a few themes:
Age. There is a perception this is for older people and somehow that makes it sad and desperate (very agist!). People of all ages are involved, but yes there are larger genuine communities of people in their forties-fifties. I don’t think this is at all because there is desperation. The opposite. People by then are more likely to be sorted out, decided they don’t give a f**k about convention, have maybe lived and discovered the limits and pretences involved in conventional relationships, and want to live their life in an empowered free way and explore possibilities. They might also be freer, just as they are to take up other hobbies or embark on new journeys of discovery - nothing wrong with that. They are often freeer thinkers in other ways too, and leading high functioning, happy lives with this just being a flavour on top. If anything, the younger ones tend to be more likely to be doing it from a combination of pure hedonism/impulse control or unhappiness (in self esteem or mental health).. they tend to play in a less safe, more indiscriminate way. Many of the older people are interesting, sophisticated, have done the work and are consciously choosing what suits them, not what society tells them they should.
The spectrum. One of the challenges on this thread and in talking about swinging is there is a huge range of activity. Some of it is absolutely wild, unsafe, indiscriminate, and populated by people who are damaged, damaging or have extreme sensory desires/needs that struggle to be satisfied in normal ways. That’s because human beings can be that way… And because it involves sex, the vulnerability and extremity levels are high. You get everything from that to three people who are in an intense, loving committed throuple ;or people who engage in almost no penetrative sex but find the extremely strict boundaries, rules, and alternative sensory stimulation of true/judicious BDSM to be their form of satisfying sensual experience ; or people who are really driven by sensual exploration- learning the skill of erotic massage or Shabari, to understand the depth and complexity of human sensuality; to people like the OP, who have thoughtful, occasional extra sexual experiences with chosen individuals they meet and connect with first, with full knowledge and blessing from their partners. We are not all the same. Thinking we are leads to a lot of the unfair judgement and projection.
Desireability. No, we don’t think we are more desireable as in having nicer bodies. But yes, we might have higher body and sexual confidence and self acceptance. That’s different. And it’s a wonderful feeling. And it’s got nothing to do with other people desiring me. I have learned to ask myself what I truly want. What I enjoy. I’ve conquered every fear around my body’s acceptability. I have seen and appreciated the massive diversity of human desire, body shapes, and ways of experiencing and giving pleasure. I have said no and defined and asserted my boundaries hundreds of times, as a matter of course. I am very in touch with my sensuality and sexuality and how massively that transcends whatever ‘faults’ people may prescribe to me. I have a far better sense of how nuanced and varied sex can be , and yes that can include being less focussed on orgasm - for men and women. No orgasm = bad sex is not true at all. That target oriented sexual approach is one born from awkwardness and black and white thinking. Many men on the lifestyle, never mind women, will have hours of amazing sexual connection and walk away without an orgasm, very happily. Orgasm can bring the end of pleasure - a sensory overload and collapse of energy, which is definitely not the point of every encounter, and is more likely to cut it short- particularly for men.
Boundaries. There is a misunderstanding that this is a world without boundaries or standards. On a very extreme part of the spectrum (that probably makes it into the sensationalist reporting more) this is true. On most of the scene the opposite is true. There is a far far more nuanced and strict approach to boundaries and consent than in standard sexual interaction. In vanilla life consent is generally viewed as one question- did I agree to have sex or not? On the scene, this is the absolute given, but consent is much deeper - it is an ongoing discussion around all kinds of behaviours- whether it’s ok to look, how close you can be, how you phrase a request, which parts of your body should be touched in which ways, what level of pressure or force you enjoy, what language we use…. There is a far more explicit and fine tuned discussion and respecting of boundaries. You are far less likely to be groped in a respectable sex club than in a normal night club for this reason. And people who get it wrong , even on a subtle level, are dealt with through community action, often leading to expulsion if there was anything non consensual even in basic touch or someone staring in a way that made people uncomfortable. Even in scenes that to a newbie might look totally uncontrolled, (eg a woman having multiple partners at once), there will be controls you don’t see. There will almost always be at least one friend or partner who is observing, knows the boundaries and is monitoring all activity and checking in with the people involved, plus formal security on top in a club. People on the scene get very good at expressing and sticking to their boundaries and preferences before any encounter and during too…. And if they can’t, that’s a flag for those of us who do.
sexual and emotional hunger. There seems to be a lot of assumption that being in this swinging/lifestyle space is about being desperate for sex…. You must desperately need validation… you are more at risk of rape (because other people must be desperate too?; and you must be doing it because you are not satisfied with your existing partnership). On the huge majority of swinging/the lifestyle, it is the opposite. If you are on the lifestyle and part of these communities, particularly as a woman, but even as a man if you have a good reputation, then you have far far more sex available to you than you could ever want or need. It all becomes about thoughtful choice…. Who do I really want? What experience do I really want? And saying no countless times to all the rest. For me, and it sounds like for the OP too, it is far more akin to going out to a good restaurant…. Choosing the type of food you are in the mood for… savouring it…. Coming home talking about it. Home cooked food is the best, but why not try different flavours sometimes, with others? Again, it’s a huge spectrum. Fab swingers is a meat market and clubs can get very wild and indiscriminate (though you can still meet great people). Other sites are far far more community and relationship based, with genuine friendship groups and extremely rigorous behavioural boundaries.
Community…. Which takes us to community. Again the misconception seems to be that there is no genuine connection, care, or meaningful relationship on the lifestyle. Certainly within large sections of the scene, this is not true. There is a ton of genuine connection and care, and open, thoughtful communication, friendship, good counsel, respected, trusted community membership, reputations, social events like picnics in the park etc….. we are normal people, who care and love. We just do one part of our lives differently to most.
The bad side. None of this is to say that it’s idyllic, there are no problems, and everybody who tries this is happy they did. Yes, there are risks even if you play sensibly, with discernment, protection, frequent testing and other safety measures. But there are risks to having one night stands (more I would say), or sky diving, scuba diving, hiking up mountains, and all sorts of other lifestyle activities. You make your choices for what you want to experience in life, and you act with integrity to protect yourself and others as best you can. Yes, there are damaged people and exploiters on the sexual lifestyle scene. There are everywhere. There are also amazing, sorted out folk who just live sex and don’t adhere to convention.
yes, some couples try the lifestyle because they aren’t too happy with their own sex lives - and this rarely works well. But tons of couples in ‘vanilla world’ are also unhappy with their sex lives, and may try and fail to fix it in other ways. There are also extremely close couples who are deeply in love and have an amazing sex life together and explore on the lifestyle out of confidence and openness.
anyway- I’ve rattled on long enough. Hopefully this is useful or of interest for someone.