I am swinger AMA

[AMA097155]

As the title says really. I think there's a lot of misconceptions about my/our choices so I'd thought I'd post.

I am what some term a 'hotwife', although that word gives me the ick.

(A hotwife in the swinging and consensual non-monogamy community is a married or committed woman who has sex with other men with the full knowledge, consent, and active encouragement of her husband)

I have sex with people other than my husband, a a friend with benefits whom I'd seen for a over a year, and friends all within the swinging world.

My husband joins socially and for things like a party but isn't so keen on meeting women solo. We've also jointly attended a club, but the dynamic wasn't for us.

If you have any questions, ask away.

Oh for goodness sake. I was responding to someone else who said it's necessary for women to orgasm every time they have sex. Its not.

But other women don't feel the same way. It is perfectly possible to have good sex without having an orgasm

I know right! If I didn't come Id be a right grumpy arse all day. Id rather not even bother at all rather than have sex and not come. Be like being starving and having a beautiful meal put in front of you and all you can do is smell it. Fuck that.
Glad Im having a lovely time like you - but tbh its just what I expect.

Is it genuinely though? I find it very hard to understand. And as a feminist I wonder if this is just made up so the menz feel better.

I am pretty sure there are plenty of women who don't orgasm every single time they have sex.

There's been lots of studies as to why not all women orgasm and its mostly to do with anatomy.
Some people are lucky enough to climax through PIV but the vast majority are not able to unless they have a couple of tricks up their sleeve.
Some women will never experience one. They aren't having pointless sex.
It can be very fulfilling and enjoyable without.

I know that. I know there are also women that never/rarely do. What I am doubting is that this doesnt matter to them, and that they still consider it good sex. I wonder if women are just tolerating bad sex because they have been socialised to. Because its too hard, it takes too long, and they dont want to hurt menz feels. I am happy to be proved wrong, but I wonder if there are lots of women out there who genuinely have amazing sex lives but they don't orgasm. To me, that just seems an impossibility.

Why do you think sex without an orgasm is bad sex

Why would u think that? I can orgasm through clitoral stimulation but never managed it during PIV sex. Should I just not bother then?

Well yeah but it helps to get you there right? So you have PIV but the finale is through clitoral stimulation with partner no? If not, then no I wouldn't bother tbh. If it is then sure its worth it because its the journey to orgasm town. :)

Exactly.
I have an absolutely incredible sex life but don't orgasm every time due to my anatomy.

Seems very formulaic to insist that the only good sex ends with an orgasm.

I can use sex toys and climax really fast, it's boring and unfullfilling though.

@Thechickenhasmypillow - so you are having a wonderful amazing time but don't come? Are you not left frustrated?

Your phrasing is creepy AF but no. It's not the finale anything.

I can't orgasm when I'm having sex. What is difficult for you to understand there?

You win the thread 😂

You're being incredibly flippant to people who are trying to tell you that they don't necessarily orgasm every time they have sex

No.
I climax sometimes
Sometimes I don't
Because it's not the be all and end all or the measure of whether it was good or not.

The only time I get frustrated is if it is just out of reach.

My sex life is excellent and we are both totally satisfied

Interesting. We are all different hey. Glad you are totally satisfied.

Am I? Didnt realise it was such a sensitive question/topic on here.

Apologies if Ive upset anyone. Was genuinely trying to understand.

I will bow out now then.

You don't need to bow out but there are many reasons why someone might struggle to orgasm and it's not all to do with not wanting to hurt men's feelings

There's a great book called Bonk by Mary Roach that examines the science behind sex and there's a whole chapter on PIV orgasm or the lack thereof.
Apparently if the distance between clitoris and vaginal opening is too great, your chances are minimal. It's a really interesting book!
I love anything by Dr Kate Lister too, but this thread has been disrailed Enough already.

@KatyaKanani I can see it could be taken that way. It’s the standard word used, not mine. I don’t think it’s meant disparagingly. Vanilla is I think still the top selling preferred flavour world wide. Vanilla can be amazing. But it is a shorthand, that basically means “within the default/normal boundaries assumed by most in society”…. That’s just a much bigger mouthful. I think it is meant to be non judgemental - vanilla is one flavour…. In addition to that we like other flavours too.

we also use it not to just talk about other people. We use it eg to talk about our own “vanilla life” - that means kids/ profession/ normal hobbies - basically anything “not sexual lifestyle - related”, so we all have vanilla lives too. We also use it to refer to a mode. Eg if we are inviting lifestyle friends to an event that is not lifestyle or in a public setting - we say “we’d love to see you- in vanilla mode of course” - it just means there would be no references or behaviours on display outside societal norms, and it’s a warning that others might be around who don’t know or want to know about that part of our lives.

I think people not on the lifestyle often think we are trying to say others are boring and we aren’t. It’s more just “the normal things/ normal societal conventions” versus the stuff we are doing that needs more discretion/is less accepted/is more unusual/ we would only talk about it/do with others on the lifestyle.

I find it interesting you remarked that your life is not “normal / vanilla”. By implication it sounds like you think monogamy is vanilla - or boring? This makes me question what is driving you. A sense of fear in committing to monogamy perhaps , or a sense of fear that your life will be boring unless you do this. I’m wondering what your experience of monogamy has been in your life and with your own parents. I’m also wondering about what a fulfilled life means to you. For me it means connection with people, family, community, ideas, the natural world and so on. My assumption (which is only an assumption) is that deep connections aren’t what swinging is about, that it’s more about sex, and fucking other people for a immediate sense of thrill and adrenaline, giving you the swinger the sense that your life is exciting and not vanilla. But it sounds like something that is by its nature quick and short lived, and the opposite of deeply fulfilling, meaning you have to keep going back and doing it to keep getting that short lived high.

Orgasms are supposed to happen every time according to what rulebook? If that’s what it takes for you to be satisfied and enjoy sex then sure, but otherwise…?

I remember when I was freshly divorced and dating (40s) and the amount of men who brought up the term vanilla. I tended to think I was a bit wild in the sack - turns out Im very boring and vanilla, lol. I just like conventional sex really - its super awesome. So I embraced the term rather than ran from it. I found its quite important early on in dating to make sure you are sexually compatable. Shocked me the amount of very ordinary seeming and looking blokes who were into all sorts of kink that made me clutch my pearls. Its quite fascinating to me how we are all so different sexually. The funniest one was a very straightlaced dad from my kids school who had a whole sex dungeon. Yikes! Each to their own....

Interesting! I will check it out.

for me clitoral orgasms are only achievable with a very specific (and somewhat boring) routine- and once I’ve had it I’m done- my body shuts off, so I actively avoid it if I’m looking forward to extended delights. I get pretty impatient and annoyed with people who are determined to get me there, as it doesn’t mean much to me and very fast becomes an ego thing. Ongoing Gspot, on the other hand… is gold, pretty accessible, super intense with ongoing pleasure…. But probably not what most would describe as actual orgasm.