I am swinger AMA

[AMA097155]

As the title says really. I think there's a lot of misconceptions about my/our choices so I'd thought I'd post.

I am what some term a 'hotwife', although that word gives me the ick.

(A hotwife in the swinging and consensual non-monogamy community is a married or committed woman who has sex with other men with the full knowledge, consent, and active encouragement of her husband)

I have sex with people other than my husband, a a friend with benefits whom I'd seen for a over a year, and friends all within the swinging world.

My husband joins socially and for things like a party but isn't so keen on meeting women solo. We've also jointly attended a club, but the dynamic wasn't for us.

If you have any questions, ask away.

Yes, so am I : I date women and of course by that count a lot of sex between women isn't sex. Even if it statistically results in a higher rate of orgasms!

I agree definitely that viewing orgasms as 'the end' isn't necessarily helpful: especially as women can be multiorgasmic.

'No man is going to say he'd 'rather not' have orgasms.'- yes, I think for some people if it's been hard they may find it stressful thinking that an orgasm HAS to happen. But it shouldn't need to be so hard.

@Jane3212thank you. We are both passionate about honesty and we have our boundaries too, which we respect and hold each other too- they just aren’t the conventional ones.

We also do everything in our power never to be with people who are cheating/dishonest. That is devastating to a relationship. I understand why people bunch the two things in together, as different forms of non-exclusivity, but to us they are exact opposites.

I agree exclusivity has its good uses and I respect those who require it. In particular, in the past when contraception was not easily available, for the safe rearing of children and clarity around property rights/ titles/ social stability etc… (though this was always a requirement of women more than men)….

I also respect that in the modern day, it simply is the normal way of doing things, that can be beautiful and romantic in its way, and one powerful route to bonding (though also of course utterly devastating when broken… so in some ways making the couple stronger - if it goes well, while making it less resilient, if the system fails as it often does.)

I totally respect monogamy as a choice - just wish other choices didn’t get met with so much condemnation!

I'm not sure how you missed the absolute pile on of nastiness entirely unrelated to those who accused OP of lying. Plenty believed her and that's why they were so keen to tell her she wasn't hot stuff, just new and available, her genitals would clap out, she must have tons of loose skin, she couldn't command very high prices, the guy who booked her under a false name when she initially refused him because she'd worked with him didn't find her attractive and all the rest of it.

Any honest reading of that thread would see it, although admittedly some of the worst ones got deleted. If you read it and didn't see it, I can't help you.

Very true! The popular image of 'sex' is very heteronormative, and quite male-focused.

Yes, it seems a shame to not take advantage of the fact that women can have multiple orgasms - although I understand everyone is different, and might get overstimulated after one, etc.

Exactly! Obviously sex is still physically pleasurable without orgasm - after all, it's the building pleasure that gets one to orgasm - but I do think a lot of the time it's just that women aren't psychologically or physically attended to in a way that makes orgasm possible, and they don't want to think they're missing out...so instead they try to downplay orgasm altogether, which in turn only reinforces the societal belief that women shouldn't expect to orgasm, and that it's 'difficult'.

It's odd to see people push sexually liberal attitudes on one hand, and yet still have such a heteronormative attitude that minimises female satisfaction on the other. But that's a bit of a tangent I guess 😅

Admittedly, I was more concerned by the way the OP of that thread was having a giggle about the glamorous world of prostitution, completely misrepresenting it with an obvious fantasy.

Although yes, whenever a woman tries to play 'cool girl' or 'pick me', it's understandable that more experienced/cynical women will point out that most men will fuck literally anything, and so it's not a compliment to be considered fuckable by one - it's better to get your self-worth elsewhere.

@Jane3212and @OtterlyAstounding if I can jump into your chat for a moment, I totally agree women should have high expectations for their sexual pleasure. Just feel that needs to leave room for their different preferences. As I said earlier, clitoral orgasm is an end for me- despite being lavished with immensely giving partners, I have never m, even alone, managed multiple… my body just collapses into hypersensitivity and then disinterest after my first, there are many other things that genuinely give me more pleasure and more extended pleasure.

and on men, on the lifestyle actually a lot of men don’t orgasm and some actively prefer not to. Partly, the good players have a ton of sex, so they are not going in with the hungry trigger happy reflexes of many men not on the lifestyle. Second, many men don’t come with condoms or via penetration. Third, if they are at a club or event, they don’t want to lose their mojo…as they may plan to play multiple times. The male players who have good stamina but don’t expect or seek their own orgasm are greatlyvalued by women, and it’s very common/seen as positive/ perfectly manly for it not to be about that atall. . … 😁

And there you go. Let's assume for the moment that the OP was genuine (it doesn’t matter if she wasn't, we're discussing the responses of people who thought she was). She had entered sex work because, she said, she had no other way of earning a living (and my goodness, how horrible people were about that, trying to psychologically pressure and shame her into saying more when she was clear she didn't want to - all because they cared, of course)... and here it is being painted as "playing cool girl/pick me".

She never suggested she was some great artful seductress who could totally steal your man, but this is how people insist on seeing it, and they want to bring her down.

Anyway I don't want to totally derail this thread into a discussion of that one. But nothing I'm reading here suggests my theory is wrong. It's just getting substantiated.

She never suggested she was some great artful seductress who could totally steal your man, but this is how people insist on seeing it, and they want to bring her down.

I never said she did that. I've made my issues very clear, so yes, let's just leave it at that, and agree to disagree.

It all sounds exhausting, and not particularly fun, frankly. Sex without orgasm on the table just sounds so much lesser than sex with orgasms, at least as a finisher. But I suppose it takes all sorts, and we're all built differently. Perhaps swinging is more likely to attract people who don't have multiple, intense orgasms?

(Also, perhaps I've just been blessed, but most of my male partners have been able to continue pretty much immediately after orgasm, although wouldn't necessarily orgasm again for a while, so stamina has never been an issue I've run into. Very interesting.)

I've had great sex without having an orgasm and completely shit sex without having an orgasm. Sexual experience is an issue too. The first person I slept with was a virgin and I was too. Neither of us had a fucking clue what we were doing the first time.

Sure, but ime, the best sex is always great, and has multiple orgasms. It seems weird to say that women aren't supposed to orgasm every time, or shouldn't expect it. Why not?? Why should we not expect to orgasm? Do we tell men that? No. So why on earth tell women that? It's such a defeatist attitude.

No one has said women aren't supposed to. You've made that bit up.
What is clear is that not all women do every time (and everyone knows that surely?)
Female sexuality is far more complex. And women need a different approach.
Men can climax very fast and often don't need much stimulation - look at teenage boys for example!

Should people who don't orgasm every time they have sex be made to feel different? I'm not talking about expectations. I'm talking about times where it simply doesn't happen. Its different for men. They orgasm very easily. Some women don't.

I used the word supposed earlier in the thread when I should have said expected to

Agree and some posts here imply women who don't are weird and have something wrong with them.

A pp literally said, "Women are not supposed to orgasm every time they have sex."

Obviously not all women do every time, and generally they take more care and stimulation than men, but I fail to see why that means we should tell women they 'shouldn't expect to orgasm', as opposed to telling them that they should feel confident advocating for their own pleasure, which they deserve just as much as men do, and telling men that they should (want to) put that 'extra' time and effort into satisfying their partner?

This. Just this. I don't particularly find it easy to orgasm. Its not because of hang ups about sex or my own body. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't (moot really as I'm as celibate as fuck right now ). But I've had great sex without orgasms.

I'll say this one more time. I used the word supposed when I should have said expected to. I have already said that I used the wrong word. Suffering fuck

Dear god someone remind me never to type the wrong word in a sentence on here ever again.

You said they shouldn't expect to, iirc. You made a blanket statement about how women aren't supposed to orgasm every time, and then amended that to how they shouldn't expect to... I think that's a very harmful belief to spread, frankly. Women should expect to orgasm if they want to, whether that's achieved via sex toys, or any other method, and they shouldn't be made to feel like it's an unnecessary extra that they shouldn't expect, and should be able to just enjoy sex without it, when men are never made to feel that way. It's hugely anti-feminist, really.

How many times do I need to explain that I got the word wrong. Seriously. I cease to give a fuck. Its not harmful. The point I was trying to make is that you can have good sex without orgasms. Does that clarify. I don't care if it's anti feminist.

Why do you think anyone has to respond to you with a 'robust argument'? People are not required to debate with you or justify their choices because you are disproportionately upset by them.

Who do you think you are?

Also telling folks they're 'angry' is beyond desperate of you. People are different, find a way to deal with that.

You didn't mean to say women shouldn't expect to? And yes, it is a harmful reinforcement of the societal attitude that women's pleasure and satisfaction is less important than men's, and our orgasms are less important than theirs. It's entirely possible to say that sex is pleasurable without orgasm for those who have difficulty achieving it, without saying that women shouldn't expect orgasm during sex.

Maybe some women don't think an orgasm is the be all and end all. Do you think anyone is going to be seriously harmed by my post earlier? Would you like to lecture me a bit more ?

As I said to someone earlier in the thread my mum broke her back four weeks ago and when she was in hospital the MRI scan showed up that she might have cancer. So forgive me if I'm not explaining what I mean very well right now. Please don't post to me again. Scroll on by.