My 2 kids go to boarding school, AMA

[happylady1982]

My kids are 14 and 16, they both go to boarding school. Weekly boarding. This means they come home every weekend, and during the half terms and the major holidays too (Christmas, easter, summer).

Right now it's the summer holidays so they are home.

I wanted to do an AMA cause I think people still have negative stereotypes about boarding school.

It’s completely different and you know it. Lots of reasons have been given. But also nobody boards their child at nursery, do they? Nobody is criticising parents for sending children to day school either.
Research tends to show good day care doesn’t cause damage, incidentally. And nowhere near at the level of the damage caused by poverty.

But kids go to school? That is normal, ditto younger kids going to nursery?

We are talking about young kids living away from home. Weekend visits. Now if you know of any toddlers that live out at nursery mon to fri and come home Sat for a bit of fake family time I'd agree, that would certainly be a bit shit.

Networking 😄? Do you mean nepotism? Why 11 year olds would be networking at school?

I find it hilarious that you give an example of doctors and lawyers working with "the commoners" i.e. nurses and admin staff. It's not "working together" - it's being in the same organisation in much higher, powerful and better paid positions. It's shocking that despite all the statistics about how privately educated people over represent in high achieving careers, there are people who argue that it's not the case and they "work with" everyone else.

Yes I would understand it if the OP sacrificed the family life with her kids is she saw the school as a chance to get out of poverty. She herself said that she does not care about the grades and she decided to send them to a boarding school because of friends and extra curriculum activities, which sounds ridiculous. It's so vain.

My friend’s two little girls have been in nursery since six months old. Five days a week. Leave home at 0730. Come home 1830. Bed no later than 2030. Some little club on a Saturday morning where they get left until 3pm.

For people who believe OPs teenage kids will be emotionally damaged by Mon- Fri at a boarding school, do you also agree that tiny children, like the ones mentioned above, will be at much greater risk?

@happylady1982What happens if they’re ill? Do they come home or stay there?

Where is the research showing that nurseries cause emotional damage?

'For people who believe OPs teenage kids will be emotionally damaged by Mon- Fri at a boarding school'

Again, they are living at school. Your pals kids come home, see their family, interact with parents not Miss and Sir, sleep in their own bed.

Nursery, school, childcare, Sat morning clubs all normal as they are interspersed with family time.

Being packed off with your PJs for the week, not so fine.

Hi @happylady1982 I've read the first few pages but not the whole thread. I just came on to say that, like just about anything else in life, it depends on the school and the child. Your children sound as though they're thriving and I'm pleased for you. If we get the school wrong: say a super academic school for a child whose strengths don't lie there, or a sporty school for a child who doesn't like team sports, then it's not going to go well. But if the school fits the child, and your lifestyle, then it's 😃

IME boarding is less suitable for ASD children than NT, because their social battery is depleted more readily. For children who really want to be with their friends all the time I'm sure it can be great.

We can't win as women. We're told to have a career, throw ourselves into it, be a great mother, etc. But where is the time supposed to come from - for those who can fund it, it's an option worth considering.

Some of the responses on these threads and threads from people having extra-marital affairs, make me truly cringe. People have no idea how bitter they sound.

I have absolutely no idea.

I am just trying to understand how a parent sending her teenagers to board Mon-Fri can face such harsh criticism yet parents of a baby in full-time nursery for the first five years of its life (and the most important years) don’t have the same criticism thrown at them every time the topic is brought up.

I have no idea if either is emotionally damaging. What I am pointing out is, surely if one is then the other most certainly must be, regardless of the reasons for doing it.

Again, the OPs kids come home weekends and holidays. They are teenagers. My friend barely spends any time with her toddlers. Yes they come home but they’re asleep in bed for most of the time they are there. Then up and out again the next morning, rinse and repeat.

Do you really believe that teenagers who board four nights a week are going to be more emotionally damaged than babies who barely see their parents for the first five years of their life? This is what I can’t understand. It just seems such a hypocritical view

The whole thread is a bit of a nonsense.

In many senior schools now, the school day doesn't end till 5pm or later.
I know a lot of families who did private ed, but also state ed, and when kids do sports or any after school stuff, they often don't get home till 6ish.

So the only difference is these kids are sleeping at the school for 4 nights a week to avoid coming home late.

It's not a 'biggy' and I still can't see why OP wanted to discuss it.

Oh come on.

It's not like that at all.

These kids are in their teens.

Sleeping at school for 4 nights a week at 14 ad 16 is no big deal.

Kindly, if you think it is, you need to get out a bit more.

What about when they started at age 11?

What about it?

I taught in a boarding school. It was co-ed. I lived there too as part of the resident staff.

The kids make close friends, they have house staff who look after their emotional wellbeing, and many live in small 'houses' at the school so they have their own community within the school.

The pastoral care - weekly staff meetings to discuss pupils- was far more extensive than a large state school.

And if the kids were unhappy their families would move them out.

I'm more concerned about the kids whose parents divorce (40% of marriages end in divorce and more for unmarried partnerships) where they shuttle between mum, dad, new partners, step siblings etc than children at a boarding school 4 nights a week.

I worked in boarding at a boarding school (as well as teaching). Senior girls boarding - age 13-18. Mostdud weekly boarding (bit more than OPs children because we did Saturday morning school) and some full time. In my experience and opinion even 13 is too young - and several of out 13yr old boarders had been boarding from 11 or even younger, so it wasn’t the culture shock). One or two were probably slightly better off in boarding but the vast majority were not.

As for your comments on divorced and blended families I can’t decide if they are lacking in understanding or just inflammatory. Children having family time with family? How awful…

Well, we'll have to agree to disagree on that one.

I wonder how you quantify they were not better off by boarding?
You mean they were unhappy?

And yes, I do stand by comments that children from divorced parents often find that very difficult . I fail to see how you don't, as it's well documented in research, unless it's touched a nerve for you personally.

Presumably you left the school because you didn't agree with the boarding ethos?

I left the school because it’s no better for the staff than the pupils. Burnout, unfortunately. I don’t think I said divorce wasn’t difficult. Just that it was t more damaging than boarding.
Boarding pupils were less independent than others - boarding is quite regimented and doesn’t allow many to have independent experiences. It’s very intense and there’s little space or time for yourself. Yes, many were unhappy - an apparently very happy sixth former told me she cried every night for a week at the start of every term.

I get out plenty thanks and know ex boarders. Many look back and wonder wtf their parents were thinking..

Being parented by teachers and living away form home is not what I'd want for my kids thanks. Uni is early enough to pack them off.

So are house elves, owl post, Quidditch and indeed teenagers flying on broomsicks, mandrakes whose crying causes unconsciousness, the floo network... I'm not sure your point that if something is clearly described in the Harry Potter series it's definitely an issue really holds up... J.K. Rowling had no experience of boarding school.

I attended boarding school and taught at state secondary schools, and saw and heard worse things at the state day school (the first one I worked at, which was in a very challenging location, in particular) than the boarding school.

As a parent you generally don't hear about bullying at either/ any school type unless your own child is involved - parents are mostly oblivious (and I speak as a parent too, of grown up children and of teenagers). As a teenager I was also oblivious to bullying that did happen at my own boarding school - a friend told me decades later that her sister had told her long after leaving that she'd been bullied - I think it was more of an issue in some years than others. My teaching experience makes me think this is true in all secondary schools and that some are better than others due to individual factors but not intrinsically to the type of school.

I first flew alone (including a change of plane in Amsterdam) when I was fifteen and went to stay with my school friend who lived in South East Asia during the summer holidays between what's now years ten and eleven. Obviously some state school teenagers travel internationally on their own at 15 but most don't. It's fairly independent.

I don't have much insight into boarding school in 2026, but in 1986 we were pretty independent!

you can look after their wellbeing by sending them to boarding school

It's not like we don't live in a world where communication is instant and easy.... we aren't in the 1890s relying on letter sent every few days and the kids not seeing mama and papa for 3 months at a time and raised by governesses etc

as a weekly boarder you'd spend friday evening to sunday night/monday morning with your family... be able to video call, go home whenever you wanted, your parents could come by and pick you up to take you out for the evening etc.

I'm not a boarder parent and have no skin in the game. but to assume the parents are doing it because they somehow love their kids less than you do is really judgemental.

Presumably this means that you think the parents who have respite care for their disabled kids, are somehow less loving of their kids than you are too?

and the kids who's parents are posted in the military and are moving bases every few months - and make the decision to send heir kids to boarding school for stability love their kids less than you love yours.

oh...and i guess your kids never ever ever ever spend a single night away from home, and you obviously never allow them to go on residentials of any kind - because naturally you love your kids more than others love their kids, and obviously had kids to spend every spare moment with them....

Lack of care and kids travelling solo because their parents cba isn't anything to be proud about tbh. Kids travel with adults because they are vulnerable. A 15yr old travelling to SE Asia alone, I mean what could possibly go wrong!

I had a rel whose parents used to fob them off with chaperones when being shunted around the world. They often used to look at families and wonder why theirs was always absent.

Agreed. But spending next to no time with one's kids isn't necessarily stellar parenting either.

I disagree that it's not normal at that age to be unsure of one's future direction. Yes, he'll need to make his mind up soon, but there's still time.

Our society puts so much pressure on young people to know what they want to do in life, and it's a time when some simply do not know yet. And degrees can be gained later in life if a teenager doesn't feel ready yet. It's not as if leaving school is 'now or never'.

I can’t make peace with the patronising way you said you think of the children in deprived areas. I live in one of the most deprived areas in the country and people here just get on with it. I find the ones that have the problem with private schools are the ones on the cusp of earning enough to afford private school and come across as jealous. If I had the money I’d give my children the opportunities I could afford and that includes private school, why would anyone begrudge a child getting a better education? It’s just pure jealousy and envy.