My 2 kids go to boarding school, AMA

[happylady1982]

My kids are 14 and 16, they both go to boarding school. Weekly boarding. This means they come home every weekend, and during the half terms and the major holidays too (Christmas, easter, summer).

Right now it's the summer holidays so they are home.

I wanted to do an AMA cause I think people still have negative stereotypes about boarding school.

Are there any other parents on this thread with children who board? Seems so far it’s only the OP…

Wait - you said you chose to work in a profession that paid more and that you work very hard, harder than the state school parents. But you work part time? And you chose the job for passion reasons? Which is it?

So, if your 15 year old begged you to be a boarder and explained why it was beneficial to them in their mind
.eg not travelling for 2+ hours each day, able to take part in their sporting activities more easily.

So let's give a realistic day of a boarder and a day

Day Pupil

Up at 6, leaving at 6:30am on school transport to get to school for 7:45. Drop bags off at changing rooms and to register at 8. Working in til 4:30, after school hockey match until 6:30. Transport home from match , home at 8pm, as the traffic was awful and was delayed by 15 minutes. Has their dinner, needs to do prep for an hour so busy and occupied until 9:30pm, bed at 10:30pm and repeat again... Didn't quite get time to practice their violin or see their mates that evening.

Boarder
Up at 7, down to breakfast at 7:30 done by 7:45, morning reg at 8. Working until 4:30. Hockey match until 6:30. Dinner at 6:45. Prep done by 8. Couple of hours free time doing music practice, being with friends, maybe go off and play football for 40 minutes 20-30 minutes video call with family. In bed and lights out by 10:30.

You'd absolutely refuse point blank to take their feelings into consideration?

From other posters 'Ours boarded to ensure what they needed was available. Friends, clubs, sport, music, dance, drama, MUN, enterprise club, a full day of lessons and activities, supervised prep, good food, a sense of belonging and almost a second family. No negatives at all. One of mine passed for a grammar, the other did not so boarding gave them equality'

'I did ask DD if she still wanted to carry on many times. Some people really do know what they want, this is very much her'

The kids 'choosing' and of course those super 'extra curricular activities' seem to be the selling points. Just rtft, some do seem to think it's all jolly japes just do not mention the long term emotional wellbeing, obviously.

Always took our dc's wellbeing into consideration that's why we looked after them out of hours not Sir or Miss.

@happylady1982 Can you answer this honestly?

Why did you start this thread?

There is an education forum on MN where boarding pros and cons are discussed.

I am genuinely interested in why you thought it was a topic anyone wanted to hear about.

On the one hand, it is bound to make some posters envious of your wealth, but on the other it's not really something worth discussing.

Weekly or part time boarding (doesn't even have to be Monday to Friday - it can be a couple of days a week if the child has lots of sporting stuff) isn't new or that interesting.

average grades doesn't equal average careers, in exactly the same way as high grades don't magically translate into well paying jobs. Loads of people do very well in school and end up in very bog standard, or even poorly paid jobs, whereas many people at the top of the best paid careers (creative industries, sportsperson, etc) have barely any qualifications.

Private school is as much about the confidence, extra curriculars and social network, all of which can be as, if not more valuable in career building, than just grades.

If OP works in tv and film presumably she is working with 'the commoners' every day herself. In fact I'm not sure what sort of job you are thinking of that doesn't involve interaction with a wide variety of people! Other than potentially finance and some very niche areas of law (and you'd still have daily engagement with admin staff, etc there), if you were a doctor you'd be in constant contact with nurses, patients, hcps, etc.; an engineer a variety of on and off site specialists.

It's ironic that you (and the other posters slating OP's parenting) seem to be both criticising her for being a cruel, uncaring parent, but at the same time also for thinking that her children being happy in their school and leading full lives with varied interests and good friends is more important that their grades!

'So, if your 15 year old begged you to be a boarder and explained why it was beneficial to them in their mind .eg not travelling for 2+ hours each day, able to take part in their sporting activities more easily.

Every single private school has sports as its number one most important ever extra curricular thing. No one has to travel hours a day to find a private school that excels at sport and does a bit of <checks notes> 'theatre costume making'.

The vast majority of parents send their kids to schools that do not require over an hour to travel to. The vast majority of children do not have daily after school activities that mean they are at school until 6.30. Therefore, the vast majority of parents don't understand why those things are all good enough reasons to not see their children Monday to Friday - the vast majority of parents wouldn't choose seeing their children so much less for the benefit of hockey matches. I don't think it's hard to understand why parents find the choice to board children odd, especially since the vast majority of people send their kids to state schools so don't see them as something that absolutely could not be chosen as an alternative.

Subconsciously It'll be guilt. They know an 11yr old should live at home full time. They want lots of people telling them sports counts more than home life and weekend interaction is enough.

Parenting is hard, we all make difficult choices but the emotional wellbeing of our dc should be the priority. Not hockey tournaments or sailing,

Interesting. Couldn't that just be your friend though? Most of my friends from boarding school are married - many married late ish but all before 40 as far as I can remember. One didn't marry but has a young adult (student age) son, woth whom her relationship seems good...

We mostly hung around together after school except for dinner and prep. In summer were allowed to swim and there was a teacher or sixth formers with bronze medallion life saving qualifications on duty, but in winter we watched TV in the common room or hung out in one another's rooms. Sporty girls had matches and training and were more scheduled in that sense but that was voluntary - I didn't play any sports outside normal lessons. For a couple of years I had music lessons once per week but they were a paid extra which I gave up by age 14.

Full boarders did have to go to church, but my parents also made me do that at home (I was a weekly boarder). Occasionally we had weekday church and it was at least easier to mess around with friends - we used to write each other notes in our hymn books (but they weren't church property, they were part of the equipment list and everyone had to have one - it was a religious school). I'm an atheist now, but my conflict ridden memories of organised religion are from home - being made by my parents to attend morning service every Sunday and more often on religious holidays (eg. midnight mass and morning service at Christmas) and a big fight about not wanting to be confirmed - also a home issue unconnected to school.

Why are all of these things not true? Except the part where I said I work harder than anyone else. I haven’t said that. I said I work hard.

Was this one other poster? I just have missed it despite their defensiveness apparently being “palpable”

Ron is no more relevant to the actual lived experience of kids in boarding school then my imaginary friend Bob's experience of boarding school. Regardless of how loving Bob or Ron's imaginary families are.

The fact we are talking about fictional characters when talking about the real life impact of boarding school on children is mind blowing.

It's NOT relevant nor real.

You said you work hard enough to send your child to independent school. Don’t try to suggest that doesn’t imply other people - the parents of about 93% of children - don’t work as hard as you do.

We may as well talk about Mallory Towers whilst we are at it.

Well it was not me who brought Hogwarts up 😄 also, these books/films are about a boarding school so still relevant even if a fiction. I.e. bullying and all other issues are shown very clearly.

“Don’t try” 😂

Sure.

Yes they work very hard. Lots of people break their backs. I haven’t said others don’t work very hard indeed. I gave the example earlier in the thread about teachers. They work hard. But they don’t earn enough for the work, that’s why it’s not for me. I chose hard work and a profession that pays well. I used to work full time, but I don’t any more and won’t return to full time work again.

I don’t disagree. But for all of the reasons that people are against sending children to boarding school, they should also realise that the same damage, if not worse, is being done to their under-5s by placing them in nursery full-time. Yet this rarely sparks the same passionate interest.

If I started a thread which said ‘I’ve chosen to have children but to protect my career I place them in nursery five days a week for ten hours a day and only spend any real time with them at the weekend’ I can almost guarantee most of the responses wouldn’t be of the type we’re seeing on this thread.

Why is that?

It's strange that you ask "why" again when people already replied to you. All the parents I know who put their kids into nursery worked full time. They needed to earn to provide for the family.

If the OP said that she needed to work and earn money and that's why she HAD TO send her kids to a boarding school the replies here would have been different.

It'd be like getting a dog and sending it to the kennels mon to fri. Home on a weekend for a lovely walk. Everyone would say why bother having a pet. Oh but the kennels have beautiful fields and the accommodation is top notch and I've worked so very hard to pay the fees!

'All the parents I know who put their kids into nursery worked full time'

I think some must be sahp with a dh paying all their bills to not understand that most of us contribute to the running of a household?

Did you give your children the option of attending a local state school where they could live at home? Or did you insist they went to a particular public school where weekly boarding made their life easier?

Still no response to this.

Is it some sort of boast OP?

It’s not strange. And my question hasn’t been answered:

If you believe sending secondary-age children to boarding school causes such emotional damage, would you be prepared to send/have your sent your very young babies and toddlers to nursery full-time for years? If so, do you also agree that this is then likely to cause much worse emotional damage? And if you agree that it does then why on earth have children unless you can afford to raise them yourself?

The OP has been accused of various negative things on here. My point is that many people’s views on boarding schools are extremely hypocritical.