My 2 kids go to boarding school, AMA

[happylady1982]

My kids are 14 and 16, they both go to boarding school. Weekly boarding. This means they come home every weekend, and during the half terms and the major holidays too (Christmas, easter, summer).

Right now it's the summer holidays so they are home.

I wanted to do an AMA cause I think people still have negative stereotypes about boarding school.

but it isn't "next to no time" really, is it?

Hand on heart, how many hours a day do you and people you know spend with a 15 year old each day? You might not get home until 6:30pm, and they're often out with friends, at youth clubs, sports etc after school until around 7 or 8pm - and often they're up in their room most of the evening etc.

i just dont like the implication that people somehow don't want their kids aorund or love them less <shrug>

Oh really? Are you bothered that I would like deprived kids in this country to have good opportunities, not only the rich ones?

Private schools are not about better education - you can have good education anywhere. Private schools are about being in a bubble of upper middle class families who mix with each other and have better opportunities because of nepotism. Look at this thread as an example - the OP is not bothered that her kids are not having higher grades, another poster said it's at the bottom of her priorities

It’s 100% this. Bullshitting it as if instead of sending children to private school they’re slaving away in the soup kitchens.

Having been through the wringer at a state comp myself and struggled like hell to get where I am now, damn right I’m sending my child to the best school in the area. The atmosphere is worlds apart from our local comprehensive. It’s wonderful.

👋🏻 that was me!

People say things like this when they haven’t a clue about the realities of independent schools. They’re not all Eton. Every parent we know at the school is working incredibly hard to keep their children there. They’re not all the silver spoon brigade you are fantasising about.

And no, you absolutely cannot have a good education “anywhere”, and neither is the experience entirely about the academics.

why would you not be parenting your child because they're at boarding school... you don't sign your parental rights away you know... youdo SEE your kids and TALK to them... and there's these magic rectangles we have called mobile phones... and they have really cool stuff on them like video cameras and you can always be in touch and talk to your kids... its amazing you should try it out one day.

Boarding has changed a LOT in the last 10-20 years etc.

And also kids who go to normal schools have shit family lives too you know. I know 5 year olds that get dropped off at their state primary at 8am by the nanny, collected at 6pm... by the nanny, and maybe see their parents for a maximum of one hour a day, (unless of course, they're away working.... ) but according to some people that's fine and normal and not abusive, and automatically better because they're not being sent to boarding school.... but allowing a willing teenager to choose to board is somehow negligent and will scar the kid for life....

Your first sentence there has me tickled.

I was that deprived kid. It was hard. Now I have worked my way up to “good opportunities”, just as you say. And I’m enjoying it.

What grades are your kids having at a private school and why do you think their grades would be worse in a state school?

Your comment about working incredibly hard is really silly. Do you think the parents who can't afford sending their kids to a private school are slagging?

Lol. Keep saying to yourself that everyone who looks for equal opportunities for all kids is a bullshitter.

My kids god to a STATE school in comparison with your kids. We volunteer are the PTA. We donate to the school. We come and help it during the weekends.

Do you do anything for your community or do you only work and pay for the establishment that is beneficial only for the rich kids?

'oh...and i guess your kids never ever ever ever spend a single night away from home, and you obviously never allow them to go on residentials of any kind'

Of course they went on sleepovers and residentials. They just didn't actually live anywhere else. They lived with us.

Private schools should just be banned

They might do well. As I’ve said, grades are not everything to us, although you seem obsessed with them.

If they went to our local comp and struggled they would be absolutely lost. I was very academically minded and got ahead despite going to a dreadful school. It was hard and seriously affected my mental health. Bullying, knives, intimidation, and nearly 2000 pupils. It was a frightening place to be at 11 years old and no easier the older I got. The anxiety stayed with me into adulthood. I want better for my child. The school gives me the peace of mind that if my child is academically minded they will fly, but if not, the wealth of other opportunities available to there means they will more easily find their niche in life and be supported the entire way. They will not fall through the net.

Of course I’m going to use my life of hard earned money to give that to my child. Why in god’s name wouldn’t I?

And as I’ve said before, I have never said other people aren’t working hard. Lots of people work hard.

You are creating your own narrative here.

why?

You are the one who mentioned volunteering so I explained to you how I volunteer.

Do you do anything yourself or can you only write sarcastic comments on Mumsnet?

Your school sounds awful. Knives and intimidation??

I've nothing against fee paying schools just some parents think they can opt out of the parenting bit and just do hols and weekends which isnt good for dc's wellbeing. Not as bad as knives obviously but unless in scruffy inner cities I don't think knives are the norm.

There are tons of safe comprehensive schools in the country. People go to private schools for other reasons.

So tired of this bullshit, honestly.

oh... don't you like spending time with your kids? Why are you letting teachers say goodnight to them? honestly why did you even bother having kids if you're goin to send them away for otherr to look after...

and the Boarder DO live at home, they just spend 4 nights a week at their school during the shorter term times, they're sleeping away from home around 120 nights a year, and they have 5 extra weeks in holidays they're spending at home all day every day with their parents seeing more of their parents than most kids do...

Plenty of state comprehensives are shit holes. Plenty are very good. Mine was awful. We chose the school we wanted our child to go to.

Well we’re not moving elsewhere to find one of these good comprehensives. We’re paying for the excellent private school on our doorstep 👍🏻

We also want a lot more than “safe”. Our bar is higher and the school offers everything we want.

Well that's your choice then but don't try to bash comp schools or say that you had no choice but to go to a private school - because this is the impression you are trying to create.

Good grades = can have it at a state school
Safety = can have it at a state school
Extra curriculum activities = can have it before/after state school

Bubble of the upper middle class and nepotism - can't have it at a state school

At no point have I bashed state schools. I certainly bashed mine, it was appalling.

I’ve also said the very opposite of we had no choice. I said we made the choice to send our child to this school.

Your reading comprehension is atrocious.

I worked in a cafe all summer to raise the airfare, I wasn't shunted off by my parents. It was a fantastic experience. I mentioned it because of the claim boarding school children are not independent, but I don't think my experience as a former boarding school child fits the theme those dominating the thread want.

I do think that most people who are being the most damning have absolutely no idea what they are talking about, quoting fictional characters and convienient aquaintances whose opinions dramatically and unreservedly back up whatever the poster wants to say.

Most families are not the ideals some on here are claiming, very many parents struggle constantly with their teenagers

or neglect them,
or live chaotically,
or inflict a revolving door system of new "partners" on them,
or remarry and replace them with a new second family,
or "blend" a family despite the children's unhappiness,
or subject their children to overcrowding,
or move them across the country for a new job or a new partner to the child's detriment,
or force too many extra curriculars and tutoring and unhealthy pressure,
or do the opposite and are unsupportive and don't let them develop their talents,
or let them fail for lack of structure,
or they force a lifestyle on the children and continue after the children express a wish to live differently,
or prioritise a sibling
or their friends
or hobbies
or social life
or less savoury habits...

I'd hazard a guess that there are far, far more children damaged by living with their parents day in, day out, than are damaged by boarding (especially weekly boarding as a teenager!).

Our child would not be able to access the same curricular and extra curricular experiences at a state school. That’s just a fact.

Three things stand out for me….

You are spending more than your own income on boarding?
What child at age 11 actually wants to live away from parents? How did they get that idea in the first place?
Why have children to send them away for the majority of the week?