My 2 kids go to boarding school, AMA

[happylady1982]

My kids are 14 and 16, they both go to boarding school. Weekly boarding. This means they come home every weekend, and during the half terms and the major holidays too (Christmas, easter, summer).

Right now it's the summer holidays so they are home.

I wanted to do an AMA cause I think people still have negative stereotypes about boarding school.

Two questions :)
As during the week they presumably have plenty of socal time and sports/clubs etc Do you feel like the weekends can be more chill with better quality time? So less time with them but the time spent is better? If that makes sense.

Also when you no longer have school fees how do you plan on spending the extra money?
I think I would go on a luxury once in a lifetime trip with them. Before they start adult lifr To name a few things lol

Consensus seems to say you didn't prioritise their happiness....

@canklesmctacotits Frankly that’s a load of tosh! My dc were mature and why do you think you cannot do both? Home and school having similar values. Parents don’t give up parenting. They know their dc and what works for dc. Being at home with no friends around isn’t fun either. My DD1 experienced this. So having friends around at school and starting again made sense. Families don’t have to be there every day. And everyone shapes their dc whether they board or not.

Yes and after being at private primary obviously state secondary would be a massive culture shock.

I think private is fine it's just young kids boarding is weird imo. Parents that do it always bleat on about the activities but most 11yr olds want a goodnight from Mum or Dad at bedtime, horseriding medals not much consolation.

Wow. That's sooo much money.

How do you justify the cost? Do you feel as if you are getting value for money?

Do the children know that's what it costs?
X

Er no. In Bucks vast numbers go private prep and then go to the grammars at 11! What culture shock? More tosh.

I do feel like the time that they are home truly is quality time! Especially weekends, the schools holidays are a bit different. But on the weekends they want to spend time with me and their dad, sometimes they visit old friends but not every weekend. So yes quality time over quantity of time :)

I have no idea 🤣 we do go on holiday as much as we can when they aren't at school

This is what I'm wondering about - how they were able to obtain a perspective on what they considered state schools to be like, and whether that perspective was ever challenged.

There are state boarding schools.

I don’t think anything negative of children going to boarding school.

They learn how to be respectful independent & deal with all matters that life throws at them.

plus their days are structured with after school activities like music or whatever homework has been set.

Boarders seem to have doors open for them when they get to the world of work.

I have a lot of family members and parents who boarded from a relatively young age. They are all fairly stable well rounded individuals in long term relationships. I don’t think it always means emotionally repressed screw up adults.

My dad could be a little distant but he was a child of the 40s so times were different. He was a good dad and husband.

If I could afford it I would give my children the option. I can’t though!

You haven’t answered my question. I asked what your thoughts are on whether it’s acceptable that one person should earn £200k?

I work in the homelessness sector and to be honest I find it quite grotesque the gap between those who have and those who don’t. Also do you ever give to charity with all the money you have ?

After 10 miscarriages, my children were so wanted and I was/am a very protective mother. I never dreamed of sending mine to boarding school. However, they go to a fantastic independent where a lot of their friends board. Luckily, the school does flexi-boarding so they can stay over any night they want and they love it! It really is like Malory Towers from the stories they come home with. I’m just hoping they don’t ask to weekly board next as I don’t think I would cope! So, boarding can be fabulous and chosen!

Personally I don't think boarding schools should even exist. Childhood is so short, sending them away for most of it is sad to me.

How much have you saved towards their treatment for Boarding School Syndrome in the future?

I had no.opinion of boarding schools until I attempted a relationship with a former pupil. The addictions to gambling, smoking and possibly alcohol were difficult and his self loathing very intense.

My sister managed 7 years with her boarding school ex. An alcoholic and drug user and an absolutely pitiful partner and father.

This is not a question just an opinion...
The crux here for me is that they come home at weekends. Traditional boarding where they only come home for school holidays does feel like outsourcing parenting and it can't possibly result in a genuinely close relationship long term.
If the kids are really truly happy at boarding school, and they are home every weekend and for long holidays, if home is stable and happy, if the pastoral staff are nurturing and fair, it seems fine to me.
I don't think I would want it, but I wouldn't completely dismiss the idea.
It's definitely not giving up your kids, or not caring about them, or not wanting to see them.
In the west we are very hands on parents. That's not the case all over the world and such rash judgement seems closed minded to say the least.

I struggle to understand how you can afford it as you and your husbands salaries are not that different from ours and there is no way I would have been able to afford 90k ++ for 2 children boarding.
We could afford to pay it, but that’s so expensive and then you will presumably go on to pay university fees too. I feel faint just thinking about the money going on education when there are perfectly nice free schools in this country.

As a mother of now young adults, I feel the time we have our children at home is so short. I don’t doubt it can be the right for choice for some families, but I wanted my children tucked in their beds in our home at night and to see them every day.

Or she could just be American?

I think probably staying the odd night is probably enough for them. A bit like a sleepover. It could be different if you decided they were going to board full time.

But do you spend more time together now than before they went to boarding school? Has your sex life benefited? As there's obvious mid-week opportunities where you don't have the usual challenges of concealing those activities from others in the household.

I must admit your response sounded rather ominious and possibly unrelated to the subject of boarding school.

It's a lazy stereotype that boarding school = emotional neglect & bad.

Two of the boarding schools I worked at had students who lived a short walk from school who chose to board, because they didn't want to miss out on boarding. They could go home for the night if they chose, but mostly they only did that at weekends.

When I asked why they enjoyed it so much it was invariably because they wanted to be with their friends.

I think you answered your own question with “home and school having similar values”. If your home life is based on school-like values, where matron/teacher/housemaster instill values just like their parents would, where parenting = pastoral care - well then no, there’s nothing wrong with boarding. Why not, it would make no difference. I think what many people are saying is that their home life offers so, so much more to their children than this. Boarding can be the best possible outcome for a home life that’s less than the boarder’s school life. That’s a completely different issue.

No 10/11yo is as mature as an adult, no 10/11yo knows as much about raising healthy children as healthy, well-adjusted parents. Period. It’s ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

“Parents don’t give up parenting” and “families don’t have to be there every day” are the sorts of things said by parents who say “I’m still a parent when I’m at work and my toddler is at daycare”. Yes, of course you are. But you’re literally not even in the same building, someone else is caring for your child. You’re parenting to the extent of earning money to pay for the roof over their heads which is 90% of the struggle for most people an by far the heaviest lift in ensuring shelter, food and warmth. But in a world where fees are £90k pa, this isn’t relevant.

I can understand that, because they can be with their mates, and they can have the next night at home. It could well have been a different story if they had no choice in the matter.

But again, this is about you and your needs and desires is it not?

I’ve heard many posh private schools are filled with drugs — do you worry about this?