My 2 kids go to boarding school, AMA

[happylady1982]

My kids are 14 and 16, they both go to boarding school. Weekly boarding. This means they come home every weekend, and during the half terms and the major holidays too (Christmas, easter, summer).

Right now it's the summer holidays so they are home.

I wanted to do an AMA cause I think people still have negative stereotypes about boarding school.

Because they are at boarding school during the week, they do like to spend time with us on weekends. School holidays are a different story, they try to spend time with friends and their cousins. Weekends they do sometime hang out with friends but they also do like to hang out with me and my husband

@happylady1982 I'm not sure your circumstances really warrant an AMA.
Your children are away from Monday morning to Friday as weekly boarders.

I taught children (aged 11 -18) many of whom were away from home for 11/12 weeks at a time. Parents overseas, often. My role was pastoral as well as academic so I really did see the impact.

Your kids are only away from home for 3 full days a week.

Has location of uni been discussed already?
I ask because someone I knew was a boarder and in the end, despite being high achieving and telling her parents she LOVED boarding, when it came to choice of university she asked me to persuade her parents to let her go to one the furthest point away in the UK from the family home. She actually couldn’t get far enough away from them in the end.
She now works overseas with minimal contact.

I wonder why neither of them wanted to go to a state school. What reasons did they give?

Upthread you said they were only away Tues, Weds, Thurs.
Why not full boarding is my question?

That's great. As you know it's much easier to make it in the art world with family financial support. Would you be happy to support her in this way while she's starting out her career? Even experienced artists struggle to make a living from it. But I love art and wish her every success! X

This is exactly why most parents assume boarding is for the parents’ benefit rather than the children’s. No 11yo can be expected to know, let alone understand and contextualize, the value of family life when they’re 11yo (younger given the application process). That’s a parent’s job and what parents are for! Of course an 11yo girl is going to pick horse riding and rooming with her best friend. Of course she will!

It’s a dereliction of a parent’s duty to their child to delegate these choices to a child. There, I’ve said it. It’s unfair on the child to allow them this choice. They’re not informed enough to make the right one. Extra-curriculars, indeed. What about the fundamental building blocks of healthy adulthood first?

Because I want my kids to come home on weekends and school holidays???

Yes!

Why don't you like them?

@OneFunBrickNewtmy neighbours went to boarding school, the mum didn’t even work. It was just family tradition that boys had to go to boarding school.

Now that really is a bonkers question….

'No 11yo can be expected to know, let alone understand and contextualize, the value of family life when they’re 11yo (younger given the application process). That’s a parent’s job and what parents are for! Of course an 11yo girl is going to pick horse riding and rooming with her best friend. Of course she will!'

Exactly. Parents are supposed to do what is best for the dc, not what the dc choose or else they'd all be having McDs for tea.

I just cannot think why anyone would choose to live separately to their 11yr old? Why they'd want staff to do the 'pastoral' aka parenting bit. They soon move out out when they go to uni how sad to want it sooner.

@happylady1982 Do mind answering my two questions I asked earlier?

Is it a single sex school?

Do most pupils (or their parents!) aspire to get into the top universities like Oxbridge?

I didn't want to read this thread initially as I have trauma from being sent to boarding school but your response to someone about the kids that go home at the weekend are happier than the ones there all the time was eye opening.

I was one of the miserable ones who went all term round and felt abandoned. My parents could have picked me up at the weekends if they wanted to.

Would your children feel supported and that you're proud of them if they didn't get a high earning career?

How are you doing on the social ladder, is it fulfilling your expectations? (Ie have your kids become friends with people higher up and do you worry you be known as the ‘arrivistes’ within them or is the potential social career worth it?

It is true though….

OP do you feel your relationship with DH has benefited from the DC being at boarding school? Do you have more quality time together or has your career benefited and your relationship stayed much the same?

She calls it "horseback riding" so I don't thnk it's going too well

💐

Me and my husbands relationship has changed, I wouldn't say it is better or worse. It's different.

Very strange letting a 10 year old be so involved in secondary school choice IMO.

Can I ask what it was about this secondary school that attracted you? Your kids sound super sporty but maybe not super academic -why this school?

And.. you said you pay £90k - is that per child or total? Because £15k per term inc VAT is v cheap for boarding - was that a factor?

Blimey. This is harder than it should be.
Ok, once more then I'll give up.
You want your kids to go to boarding school.
Why not the complete boarding experience ie full time?

Did you not consider state school?

They must have been influenced by how the parents feel about state.