My 2 kids go to boarding school, AMA

[happylady1982]

My kids are 14 and 16, they both go to boarding school. Weekly boarding. This means they come home every weekend, and during the half terms and the major holidays too (Christmas, easter, summer).

Right now it's the summer holidays so they are home.

I wanted to do an AMA cause I think people still have negative stereotypes about boarding school.

This thread is getting ridiculous now

Couldn’t they have gone to a different school?

Personally I have no idea why people have children to send them away to be brought up by others. Get a dog instead.

listen to Nicky campbell’s R4 series on boarding schools and read about boarding school syndrome. Absent abuse it is still an entirely unnatural situation for a child. They are not independent - they are emotionally stunted in order to survive the abandonment.

meh - I still call my parents home "home" and have not lived there for nigh on 30 years!

I worked really hard too. I was a teacher and my entire wage wouldn’t have paid the £45k each these kids pay (yes I guess it might be less for the younger and more for the older, it even so). Working hard isn’t a sufficient condition to afford boarding (or even independent) school. Do you really believe you work harder that the 93% of people who don’t send their kids to independents (and yes, I know that’s the percentage of children who don’t go, not of families, but it’s a reasonable proxy)? Or that we are all jealous of you?
It’s a really arrogant attitude if so. And a bit lacking in awareness.

There’s nothing you could
say OP that would change my opinions because I have yet to speak with a boarding school parent who isn’t incredibly
defensive about it and bangs on about ‘independence’ and ‘resilience’ as if those were the 2 most important qualities any 9/10/11 etc year old can have.
Nor have I met any boarding schooled adult who is well adjusted, secure or emotionally balanced.

My daughter at 8 wanted tiktok. I said no. Because a child can (and often does) want something which is intrinsically bad for them.

so you say no.

Mine stayed at home and got all that and more, most important regular checking in, family time, family meals together every night talking through our day/ politics/ emotional stuff etc. kisses good night, help with homework. Evenings out together. Good, home cooked food. Support from both parents present. They went to state school.

Has it helped your husband focus more on his career not having to deal with the intricacies of mid week childcare?
Are your kids jealous of the full boarders or are most weekly only?

Tell me about it!

Quite. Also, when picking a secondary school the parent is in charge of the choices offered to the child in the first place. I wouldn’t have even put forward a school that would involve lengthy commutes or boarding in the first place. All this “it was their choice” crap, it’s a total smokescreen. I don’t know why people won’t be honest in situations like these, just own it.

I’ve had a read through this thread and it’s interesting.

What I don’t understand is the amount of people who are against the OP. And how many of those people have had children only to place them in nursery for the first five years of their lives?

My friend has two little girls. From the age of six months, both children have been placed in full-time nursery to allow both parents to work. Yet my friend’s wage doesn’t even cover the cost. She has said she is doing this so as not to harm her career down the line. The children are out of the house from about 0730 to 1830, five days a week. They come home and are in bed by half eight. On Saturday they’re taken to some sort of toddler group and left there until 3pm.

Mumsnet seems to be totally against parents who send their kids to boarding school, calling it irresponsible, abusive, ‘why have children’, ‘they’ll be damaged in the future’, etc yet many on this forum think it is totally acceptable to choose to have babies and then allow strangers to bring them up during their most formative years.

Op’s children were 11 when they started boarding. They come home at weekends and holidays. My friend’s children are only babies/toddlers.

So which is worse to you?

Disclaimer - I don’t have children so ‘no skin in the game’ so to speak.

I would have loved your dc school choice. I begged my parents to let me go to boarding school. I found one that was really big on equestrian and I could've taken my horse with me. I think in my mind it meant that it was no lessons, just riding whenever I wanted! Unfortunately, they couldn't/wouldnt afford it!

Do you find your house stays tidier during the week? Do you ever surprise them with a bedroom revamp etc whilst they're away or wait until they're back? Do you still cook from scratch for 2 people? I think dh and I would be living off sandwiches if I didn't have to cook for the kids 😁

but surely you could say exactly the same vice versa - kids might want to go to the badly performing comp down the road with their friends from primary, but that might not be the best thing for them/doesn't mean they understand the effect that would have on the rest of their lives...

It's fine to think that you wouldn't want to send your kids to boarding school, or your kids wouldn't benefit, but you're coming across as quite rude and narrow minded assuming all children and families are exactly the same.

Never been to boarding school btw so not defending it from experience, I'm just open minded enough to realise that children aren't all some homogenous mass.

The OP has said nothing about the comp. There’s no indication it’s badly performing - in fact given the area she describes they live in it is probably lovely. And lots of people have no choice but to send to the closest comp. I’ve worked in a few of them. Amazingly kids can still do well. ‘Poorly performing’ is most often a reflection of the intake, not the teaching.

Imagine having all that money - to live in a good area, near decent schools, have wrap around care, childcare, pay for activities and clubs, and STILL send your children away to an institution instead. And miss out on all those small moments that can make parenting so rewarding, the spontaneous unexpected ones that happen when you least expect.
Offload The majority of raising your own child.

Several of my cousins and of my cousins' children went to boarding school. They are all without exception far less independent as young adults and even as grown adults than the cousins that went to day school so I am skeptical of the "independence" argument for boarding school - my impression is that boarding school is institutionalizing. But it is very convenient for parents who for whatever reasons are unable to care for children well (because of work, illness, rural living etc) to be able to send their children to boarding school.

I didn’t put mine in nursery until they were 2.5 years old, and only then for 2-3 mornings a week for some socialisation (and to give me a break!), but we were able financially to do this. Not all parents have that choice, they do it out of necessity either because they have to earn money in the present or to protect their career for the future. Boarding school is not a necessity so it’s not really comparable. Personally I don’t agree with young babies being in nursery all day all week but I can understand why some people need to do this. I also don’t believe that a “good” boarding school offers anything better than a “good” day school, there are plenty of excellent private schools offering amazing extra curricular activities, boarding is just not necessary so why not give your kids the best of both worlds with a normal family life day in day out combined with excellent schooling. 11 year olds need to be with their parents. All the the kids love
it and it’s their choice stuff, maybe they do (although I’d argue a 10/11 year doesn’t have the capacity to make that decision in the first place) but let’s not pretend the parents don’t choose it too.

Friend who is head of year at a boarding school says that every minute of everyday ( even relaxing time) is scheduled so that the poor wee sods don’t have time to think about anything else, including home. really ‘helps’ with the homesickness and loneliness apparently when the children don’t have time to themselves.

That's unfair on the OP think @Glowworm - don't get me wrong I think there are people in this country with an income that many would find grotesque but 200k (and less than 300k for a couple) is very far from that, I don't even live in the SE and I have friends earning not far short of that amount in not especially glittering or remarkable careers (I don't spend my time with premier league footballers for example...)

I'm on minimum wage topped up with carers allowance so I'm not one of them unfortunately!

Are these very small children?

We had vast amounts of time to ourselves at boarding school at secondary age - most extra curricular activities were optional aside from supervised homework (for everyone except sixth form). Admittedly that was a very long time ago. I don't think weekly boarders tended to get homesick as most were weekly boarding though choice (I had a sister at the same school who was a day pupil who chose that because she had a horse at home - there was a school bus - I boarded because I preferred my friends to horses).

I think full boarding with parents abroad, especially from very young is probably where the idea of homesick children comes from (there were seven year old full boarders at my school though seven year olds were only accepted as boarders with an older sibling). For the very young full boarders, boarding was only an element of the choices their parents had made for their family, as most lived in countries where it would have been difficult or impossible for them to attend school, or were moving every couple of years, or on active military postings).

This isn't a valid answer it's more of a shrugging off answer, because they're children and they didn't know what they were signing up for.

Just so you're aware. I look after university students at a well known uni. Every. Single. Boarder I met has experienced bullying, difficulties, and asks for special needs during exams. Majority have relationship issues. And they are the ones who hide this extremely well, popular kids etc. They aren't doing better at all than state schools either. There's a reason most parents don't do it, and there's a reason the concept is outdated.

So my question I guess. Be honest and forget what your kids say. Are you actually liking the fact they are there and you can focus on your work (and in that front, do you like your work or is it the 80k a year that you like)
Edit to ask follow up. Do you like that it's convenient for you when they're boarding and has that played a role in your decision?

Wow, there’s a lot of vitriol against boarding! My DS has requested to board from Y9 this September. We’ve agreed because he sings in a choir that means he’s in school 7 days a week anyway and has rehearsals at least 5 days a week.

If you're spending £90k a year for let's say 7 years that's over £600k. You could easily buy a second home nearer the school or rent one for that money (edit - doh! OP wouldn't save £90k by not boarding but might save a fair bit).

Anyway these AMAs are becoming ever more pointless. They're never AMAs at all. It usually just someone defending their life choices against the Mumsnet vipers rather than us finding out anything interesting.

I’m in the US so some of the situation will be different. I never wanted to send DD to boarding school for all the reasons everyone has mentioned - not being able to bear the thought of not seeing her everyday etc.

But a serious family medical situation made it the best option when she was 15. Like the OP she’s at a school close enough to come home every weekend. Interestingly all the day students have their own bed and dorm room at the school and they are allowed to spend up to two nights a week sleeping over too.

It’s been an amazing experience for DD so far. It’s a very small single sex school set in huge grounds. Nearly all the staff live at the school too so there are lots of families with young kids, lots of pets, you see the staff walking their dogs. Many girls bring horses (not us!)

The advantages academically are in the quality of the teaching staff and the smaller class sizes. DD has some classes with only 6-8 students. I feel much more connected with her progress because there’s a very comprehensive online platform which shows you the schedule and assignments. I can see in real time if she’s made it to class on time, if she has any overdue work etc.

With texts and online messaging we are in contact every day so the missing her is manageable.

The homework situation was challenging for DD at first - she didn’t like having the rigid study time - but she has enjoyed the advantage of having more access to teachers in the evenings to get direct help If needed. I have enjoyed not having nag about that aspect.

I don’t think I would have sent her before 14 but knowing what I do now about this particular school, I am definitely converted to the advantages.

Also as we are only 40 minutes away if she gets sick I just go and collect her and bring her home so she can be in her own bed rather than the school clinic.

Did you find it a tricky adjustment when they first started to board?