My 2 kids go to boarding school, AMA

[happylady1982]

My kids are 14 and 16, they both go to boarding school. Weekly boarding. This means they come home every weekend, and during the half terms and the major holidays too (Christmas, easter, summer).

Right now it's the summer holidays so they are home.

I wanted to do an AMA cause I think people still have negative stereotypes about boarding school.

But all that is presumably because you don’t live close to their school. I’m sure there are good state or private schools much closer to your home where you could have sent them if you had wanted to.

Golfing, theatre, swimming, horse back riding, martial arts, sailing, music, photography, costume design for theatre, coding, and obviously all the classic sports. (By the way, this is just some examples of what's available. My kids don't do all these extracurricular activities)

Yes my kids could do these activities if they didn't go to boarding school, but boarding schools adds these extracurricular activities to every day life.

Research 'evidence is often skewed to 'prove' what the paymaster wants to 'prove'.

Do you think it’s grossly unfair and in fact quite disgusting that someone can earn £200k a year?

My DW and her DB and DS went to boarding school. They were Army children - it's what forces families did and the Army paid for most/all of it.

The elder 2 went away at 9 + 8 and the younger at 8 about 4 years later. My DW had already been to half a dozen primary schools due to her DF's postings.

No phones or emails back then. (parents away abroad) so a weekly enforced letter writing session. Parents abroad so replies took a while.

A difficult few years for all involved. Did it leave a scar? No, but not a wholly enjoyable experience and it left its mark on all 3 of them.

Duty of care back then wasn't such a thing, nor wellbeing, safeguarding etc. They survived.

When asked by a younger friend who was considering a boarding school for her DD my DW was against it. Yes, there can be positives but also negatives - for all concerned.

My DW effectively left home at 9 and I think it's fair to say that it left a mark on her relationship with her mother.

But each to their own, their needs and circumstances. But not to be entered into lightly.

@happylady1982 I asked a question at 15:13. Thanks.

Some parents just like a more hands off approach. Doesn't matter if they live in another country or the next town. They pay people to care for their kids all because the 'extra curricular activities' are just fabulous.

Every person I know who boarded would have preferred a family life over sports just at the time didn't understand the 'choices' they were making.

So, in a nutshell, your DC wanted to board and you said yes because you wanted to work and the institution offers you the chance to do this without disturbing you.

My kids are at boarding school because they want to be at boarding school. Meaning I have 3 days of the week where they aren't home at all (Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday). So yeah, I have free time to focus on my career. But I would give up my career in a heartbeat if either of them wanted to stop going to boarding school

Of course they could do these things anyway. Family life far more important than 'costume design for theatre'.

One of my children (14) goes to boarding school, but I am in France and it's very common here. It's usually around that age that the various middle schools offer very specific subjects, and in order to pursue those towards a future career, a lot of kids will go further from home. Our teenager comes back on weekends and holidays... Apart from the commute at weekends (we drop them back on a Sunday night and share travel arrangements with another family, so usually once a fortnight). It actually costs less in annual fees (meals, board etc.) than our other teenager attending the local school; it's pretty much all subsidised by the state.

For what it's worth, I loved my boarding school. I was definitely one of the poorer ones and got a sizable scholarship, and some them had very famous parents, but when you're living together like that, those differences aren't in your face the way they might be at a day school. It never bothered me. I had a happy home with loving parents and never envied the others what they had, though it was fun to visit their (sometimes stately) homes. I also received an excellent education.

Thanks for answering this question. (Previous ones not responded to)

Did you proactively visit state schools before deciding on this one? Extracurricular activities are available outside of school. A nanny could have been employed. Or was it always assumed due to your DH’s wealth that fee-paying was realistically the only route to go down?

How much time do they have to enjoy all that when they are home every weekend?

Only read half the thread but a 200K and 80K a year salary typically yields a combined income of £175K after tax. So are you really spending half the family income on boarding school? That seems utterly insane. Especially as by your own admission your salary can be quite variable.

Having greater independence or maturity surely can't justify that level of spending?

Also I find it nuts that you'd be letting an 11-year old drive decisions on where they should be educated. Surely if they're savy enough to make those decisions they don't need to learn greater independence and maturity from boarding school as they'd already have achieved it!

Sorry to be cynanical but is it possible that boarding school was a route into a more elite social circles, or possibly an expectation from someone in your industry?

Almost all the extracurricular activities were available to the day pupils as well.

One more question!

The children are off school now so why, when they are only home one night a week during term time, are you on MN now and not making memories with them?

So, only 3 days? So partly boarding. Do they benefit from the whole experience? Why not just let them board, rather than a halfway house situation?

The problem is that no matter what you say, I will think you’re wrong. Based on my personal knowledge of living in “boarding school circles” and being a guardian on several occasions for friends’ children. And people who support boarding schools will think you’re right whatever anyone else says. So this can’t really be a debate.

Because they've been home since the beginning of July and they don't spend every single day hanging out with me and their dad....they are 14 and 16, today they are both hanging out with friends

I spent some of my career teaching (and living!) in a boarding school.

There is a HUGE difference between weekly boarding and termly boarding.
Many of my former students' parents were overseas so they only saw them at the end of a term.

The sad stats about the emotional impact of boarding are more relevant to termly boarders and / or children who start at 7.

I have a close friend who is in that category- boarded from 7 to 19 and hated it all. And agrees it can be damaging to relationships.

I think the cost is the main factor and for the vast majority of parents, £45K pa per child, for 7 years is simply not possible.

A good state school will often work just as well and that money can be used for house purchases or uni fees.

Do your parents/in laws contribute to allow you to live the lifestyle you want and send your kids to boarding school? If so, do they contribute regularly (i.e. pay school fees etc) or just one off gifts (house deposit)? And would you do the same for your grandchildren?

OP has the decision to send DC to boarding school improved your relationship with DH?

Parents often forego quality time together as the focus is almost entirely on our relationships with DC and their needs.

So do you find you have more quality time with DH or has the time you've saved not running around after DC during the week been substituted for work commitments?

They come home on Friday afternoon, and they return very early on Monday morning. That's considered weekly boarding at my kids school.

Now that they are 14 and 16, how much time do you get to spend with them when they are home? By the time mine were that age, I barely got a look in.

Weekends were mostly spent sleeping, doing sports/clubs, or socialising. Same again at holiday periods, minus clubs.