I am submissive to my husband AMA

[Peachesx2606]

Please AMA but please be kind.

I'm interested in other thoughts/opinions and will try to give mine.

This is just something that seems to work for us x

what do your friends and family think of him and your relationship? do they warn you against him? like him? dislike him?

Gender and ages of kids? Are they being raised to believe women should be submissive?

I think it’s a risk with children in the mix. What would you do if he wanted your older children to be dealt with differently from his child ? Eg he wants them to sleep in the garage ( this was a child protection case I dealt with ) How would you protect them ?

Do his friends know that he is the master of the household, and his wife must defer to him in all matters?

No, we are not religious.

I have some savings. But I don't work currently. He gives me money from his salary.

Do you have your own access to money or does he gatekeep all finances and you have to ask for everything? Do you have any idea about your marital financial position? Also when it comes to decisions about the children you do not share with him do you let him overrule your parenting?

Also if your children disagreed with him and they were in the right would you stick up for them and oppose him?

I get this, in some ways. My parents were brilliant but also always very overprotective, and mollycoddled me a lot. That probably came from me being adopted as a baby, after i had been in the NICU in hospital (I was 3 months premature and weaned off heroin).

I had no confidence growing up much at all, and was pretty shy and quiet until I went to university. Probably as a result of my kind parents, who gave me a cosseted but happy childhood.

Probably as a result of this too, I was attracted to a husband who was also quite protective and likes to look after me. I think I am a million times better than I was 20 years ago, and after having 3 children, I think it really helped me too.

But really deep down, I still lack 100% confidence, although when I look at my brilliant 15 year old eldest daughter, who's a much more confident girl at that age then I ever was, I think i must be doing something right.

Yes, it makes me feel safe. No, he doesn't kick off.

@Peachesx2606

Would you please answer the questions regarding your children.

What do you think, the impact of your decision, has on both the boys and girls?

Does it concern you, at all?

if he were to, sadly, die tomorrow or just disappear and leave you, would you be able to access joint funds and be in a position to pay the necessary bills whilst you found work?

Depends. I'm a sahm and my husband has financial control. He also decides what furniture to buy and where we go on holidays. But that's because I don't really care- for me furniture is fonctional and as for holidays we won't leave the hotel (ai) so who cares. But some things I do care about: my children. Anything that has to do with them has to be validated by me. I know them better than he does and I also have more insight into child psychology and development than he has so he respects that I'm the "boss" as far as they are concerned..

Aren't you afraid of modeling your submission to your children who then might get into abusive relationships?

Why don’t you leave your hotel? That sounds like a very dull holiday to me.

What do you think the impact is on your children, both in the here and now (step-dad is charge of everything), and for the future, in terms of what you are modelling to them about relationships and their own capabilities?

How did you decide to adopt this lifestyle?

What are the benefits of being submissive for you?

Would you be happy if your DD was submissive to a future partner?

Are you "allowed" to voice your opinion, or is your opinion just his opinion?

Who suggested this type of relationship and for what reasons?

How submissive are you - do you need his permission to spend money? See friends or family? Change your appearance?

Do all decisions need his agreement?

Has there ever been a decision where you regret submitting to his choice i.e. schools for kids? Medical treatment? Place to live?

Really interested in how the decision making goes when it comes to your older kids ? Don’t tell me you don’t have any say over them?!

Men and women need each other and need to work together really, we are dependent on each other. You do need to be following the same script as your spouse really though, otherwise you are fuelling separate paths. This means they could be harder to bring together if either one becomes too strong

It makes you feel safe to have no autonomy??

Don't bother, OP isn't answering anything about her children.
Although tbh she doesn't actually sound "submissive" to me. More just... quite meek and unemployed.

What would happen if you wanted to change the arrangement and he didn't OP?

Don't you think that learning to decided things for yourself might be a good idea? How will you manage if your husband predeceases you?

You admit to feeling both childish and vulnerable, as well as embarrassed. I am putting it to you that this deeply unhealthy.

What issues cause you to feel vulnerable? What’s your financial situation? Please tell me that investments aren’t all in his name, or that you don’t know. If it all went tits up tomorrow, where would you stand?

What is stopping you from being a grown-up woman? In what way is your life improved by your submission? And how can you even RESPECT a man who would take advantage of his wife in this way?

You really need to think hard about whether this setup meets YOUR needs. Plus the effect it will invariably have on your children and their future relationships.

It sounds like you are shrinking away from adult responsibilities and decision-making. Why is ‘feeling safe’ so important to you? And why do you think you equate feeling safe with soneone else being in control?

Have you considered therapy?

Yes, I can change my mind. I feel like I am very feminine and being submissive seems right for me. It wouldn't be right for him, nor would I want it! It is an interesting question about setting a good example to my DDs. I'm not sure. I don't know that it is something they are massively aware of. I have brought them up to know they can be whatever they choose. They don't have to be traditionally feminine, they should do what is right for them. For me, it makes me feel safe and looked after. I feel more calm and stable.

This is wrong on so many levels. Tradionally feminine is not having no autonomy or no say in your own life. I have no idea how you came to that conclusion. I assume as it makes you feel better about your life. But it’s utter nonsense and keeping saying it doesn’t make it any more true,

I don't. I think he makes decisions in all our best interests. I still get many of my wants and desires.