I am submissive to my husband AMA

[Peachesx2606]

Please AMA but please be kind.

I'm interested in other thoughts/opinions and will try to give mine.

This is just something that seems to work for us x

“Suggests” is a key word here. I say “don’t stay up too late” to my DH before going to bed myself. There are zero consequences from me if he chooses to stay up because it’s a suggestion and not an instruction from me.

Have you decided for yourself that you don't always make good decisions, that you lack self discipline and that you have low self esteem or has your husband told you that?

I don't know if you've read all her posts @LittleBearPad but if you can do that you might see the whole picture.

It's not just about 'balancing and sharing chores'.

There is a strong undercurrent of the OP being controlled, and in her own words, punished.

Don't focus just on the 'bedtime' issue. She also mentions being punished.

I'm sure your marriage isn't like that nor what you'call a normal relationship.

This ^^

@Peachesx2606 You have clearly and very obviously not responded to my (and other posters' ) questions about punishment and what form they take.

I'm not going to carry on posting because it's clear you do not want to discuss these issues honestly.

If your thread was a means of getting some perspective on your marriage, I think it's clear.

I would urge you to contact Women's Aid (online) and talk through your life with them.

You say it's not abusive but what you describe is exactly that.

Talk to the caring, experts on Women's Aid and see how they can help you - it will maybe do more than therapy is at the moment.

You have stated that you feel vulnerable, childish, embarrassed, anxious, lacking in self-esteem, needing to rely on your husband for ‘feeling safe’. You are also putting too much faith in your husband's ‘goodness’, and you minimise the difficulty of ‘walking away’ if he stopped being ‘a good man’.

There is clearly a lot going on - stuff that is rooted in your childhood and your previous abusive marriage. It’s good that you are in therapy as it indicates that you are aware that your current marital setup is not meeting your needs. Moreover, therapy will hopefully help you process everything that has happened to you and gain insight into how you can take charge of your life and, in the best sense of the word, grow up.

You are an intelligent woman and will get there in the end. However, I put it to you that you will get there much sooner, and with more positive rather than negative impetus, if you start being proactive and start advocating for yourself and focusing on your best interests- instead of relying on your husband and hoping that he will keep you safe.

Relying entirely on someone other than yourself is both unhealthy and potentially dangerous. So many women who believe that ‘he would never do that’ end up in deep shit because…… he did exactly that. Look after yourself and your children above anything else, always.

I would say the bigger financial things. Some of it I'm not that bothered about so happy for him to just sort like cars or electrical things like tvs. Something like a holiday I am interested in so he would include me but would make the final decision and sort it. Then there are things that are small things like selfcare that I'm not very good at. I'm mentioned it before but left to my own devices I'm not good at getting enough sleep. He doesn't make me go at a certain time just when I get tired. If he just suggested it, I'd ignore him to be honest.

I know what you mean. But I don't have to ask my husband, he just does it.

I don't think you're truly "submissive" in a dom/sub type way. I think you're hugely lacking in confidence and have found a man who has taken on all the responsibility. And you've willingly let him. Whether that's because he's abusive or because he loves you is impossible to tell. I really hope it's because he loves you.

I hope you keep going to therapy, get stronger and feel more able to take on your share of responsibility. I hope he lets you. And most of all I hope you're happy.

To be fair, I think the OP is working through the questions in the order that they were received - I don't think she is necessarily ignoring stuff. She still seems to be responding to questions posted yesterday at the moment. I have no idea if she has even read responses yet from today.

Talk to women's aid and read their website on what abuse looks like.

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

She’s very vague about whatever she thinks is going on. I think she’s bored and wants to make her lack of effort to run her life sound more interesting than it is.

He's generally very kind. If I don't want to go to bed he takes me up and massages my head as it relaxes me.

Is that what you meant to write? I’m not sure it’s a great argument

Thanks for sharing your experience.

Why does your husband want a submissive wife?

OP, to be clear, are you say here that if you say no to going to be when he tells you to, he makes you go regardless?

Surely a wind-up

It sounds less like he’s a dom, and more like you’re a fractious child. All rather pathetic.

😂 I'm clearly not very good at this!

It's an annonymous forum so I don't see the harm. Women talk about their relationships on here all the time.

Maybe I have used the wrong term. But we do what suits us not what couples in societies that oppress women do. I don't mind you calling me an attention seeker. We all seek attention, it's what makes us human.

I’ve read it all - I still agree with my post

You do not know that.

Hmm...I guess financial decisions. I do trust him to make good decisions in all our interests.

I don't think I've had big reservations. But one thing that comes to mind is my youngest's school. We did disagree on the school to choose but went with his decision. At the time I obviously wanted my choice but I have to admit he was right. I think he is better at seeing the bigger picture.

I've heard it all now. What self-respecting, non-abusive man would do this?

He isn't financially controlling nor does he mistreat my children!! I think you've made some strange assumptions!

No.