I am submissive to my husband AMA

[Peachesx2606]

Please AMA but please be kind.

I'm interested in other thoughts/opinions and will try to give mine.

This is just something that seems to work for us x

I'd still like to know about how he makes you go to bed and punishes you.

This sounds almost like a weird sexual dynamic where you get a kick out of being treated like a child.

Do you live in Gilead?

I don't think I've given up all control and I was working when we met.

Good question.

And another — OP, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is happy to be married to someone with such rock-bottom self-esteem that she has turned herself into a completely passive passenger in her own life? That says a lot about him, none of it good.

Yes, I do.

Yes. We talked about it.

I do most but not all the housework. I do all the cooking. I do the childcare when he's at work but share it when he's home. Sometimes dinner is ready when he gets home - depends how organised I've been.

If you have low self esteem and your DH knows this, why are you being sent to bed/not allowed what you want etc if you don’t do what he says at times? Why does he (and you) not do other things to build your self esteem?

I suspect it is exactly that.

How long have you been doing this?

Have you thought that you might just be burned out and experiencing decision fatigue? If so, what will happen when you recover?

Do you worry that your children are subconsciously absorbing the idea that women are less capable than men and that femininity is adjacent to childlikeness?

Do you have your own money of do you have to ask permission to buy something?

Do you have a private pension?

What would happen to you and your children if you husband was unfortunately killed in an accident today? What measures have been put in place to ensure your comfort and safety going forwards?

In my experience I think that the vast majority of women would walk away from a marriage where the husband punished them - either by withholding money, or sending them to bed. And of course by physically hurting them- does he do that?

Does the financial support and 'easy life' you have, where you opt out of taking responsibility for anything meaningful, also mean you accept being punished and treated like a child? Do you get some sexual thrill of being 'sent to bed' or punished?

Gosh. At least read the ops posts, she’s answered these.

Can you give an example of a situation where you "are sent to bed" or "not get what you want" when you "disobey" him? Can you give an example of wording you use and he uses?

I wonder whether you use such language to describe situations so that people perhaps imagine different scenarios to what is in fact happening.

Do you think it stems from being fed up and/or feeling incapable of coping with life’s demands on your own so it’s easier to let someone else deal with it?

Do you recognise that this is an abusive relationship that you are dressing up as a lifestyle choice?

You should get this moved to a forum where you discuss methods on how to build your self esteem OP.

Go and watch Fifty Shades of Grey to understand what a submissive is really like (that’s the kind of juicy thread I was expecting considering it’s the AMA forum) 🤣

You make your own decisions about what you do from day to day, you have a high level of autonomy, you share the housework, cooking and childcare, you are training for a new career, you make joint decisions, you are comfortable to speak up against him and he takes your thoughts into consideration and although he works and you don’t you do have access to finances (as well as having access to your own savings and pension).

Bedtime rules and Punishments aside (which is not okay), your relationship sounds just like 75% of the other relationships that people have. It sounds like your typical SAHM set-up.

You clearly have self esteem issues and need to address your confidence but once you’ve worked on them hopefully you’ll feel able enough to decide your own bedtime and you can stop calling yourself submissive and leave him.

“He doesn't hurt me or disrespect me. But he makes me aware if he isn't happy about something”

How would this pan out?

If you are embarrassed about your situation and choices, is this because you know it’s not in your own best interests and is actually a bad decision?

OP, if you decided your relationship was not what you wanted and not making you happy, could you or would you leave?

Beijing told off and being denied things and being sent to bed is abuse ok?.You might be signing up for it willingly but that is what that is. I can almost GUARANTEE that this will eventually become domestic violence. Does he hit you has he ever at any time threatened to hit you??

NO, just no.

75% of women in 2026 in the UK do not accept being sent to bed as a punishment.

@Peachesx2606 you are worth so much more than this. You do not need to be punished if you dont do what your husband says.
No kind and loving adult punishes another adult because they do not do what they say. It is unkind and demeaning. Nobody who truly loves you would ask you to consent to this. You cannot consent to this type of behaviour because it is wrong.
You say you have low self esteem, experienced an abusive childhood and your first marriage was difficult because your ex-husband was not supportive leaving you to carry all the load. This is impacting your judgement and your current husband is taking advantage of it.

You say you dont talk about it because you are embaressed. You dont need to be ashamed - it is your husband who is behaving inappropriately.

You are trying to hide this behaviour from your daughters, because you know it is unhealthy. If you really thought it was okay you would be open about it in front of the girls and with your friends.
You dont deserve this. You dont need to be punished if you dont do what your husband says. Love yourself and love your girls - take action. Please seek help and tell your therapist what you have said here.

I dont think this is submission. This is just an old fashioned division of labour combined with being told what time to go bed, sprinkled with a bit of a risk of a telling off if you do something he doesnt want you to do.

Given that you say you have autonomy in certain decisions and are free to disagree with him, I am interested in why you think this is submission?

OP says she is in therapy.

Have you raised these issues with your therapist, OP?

Being sent to bed ???!!! Seriously.
This is not normal.

It sounds how you would treat a child! Do you think you are fulfilling this role so you don't have the responsibilities of adult life? You are looking after the house and kids, you are part way there. Have confidence in yourself, you can do it. Baby steps to start with and you'll get there.