I am submissive to my husband AMA

[Peachesx2606]

Please AMA but please be kind.

I'm interested in other thoughts/opinions and will try to give mine.

This is just something that seems to work for us x

They have 2 parents so not just me. I get your point and I do think I should be involved. It only works for us because we are on the same page with parenting.

I do have quite low self esteem.

I had a challenging childhood for various reasons and am seeing a therapist which I have found brilliantly helpful to try understand myself and why I behave/react in certain ways. You might want to consider this for yourself. The fact you’ve posted here suggest you need something: validation, reassurance, an opportunity to get feedback from others, to explain yourself, for someone to tell you to leave. I’m not sure. A therapist might be a safe way for you to do that. If your partner is as supportive as you say and someone you trust, I can’t see why he would object to that.

I'm not going to engage further with you because you keep attributing things to me which are not correct. This is not about me. Back off.

Financially I know he'd always make sure we were ok.

Says every woman with a not particularly nice husband, until the relationship ends and they realise they’re screwed…

Other things maybe a telling off, not getting something I want, being sent to bed.

This is really disturbing. There’s no way your children aren’t witnessing at least some of this disturbing and unhealthy dynamic. It’s concerning you keep saying you feel safe when you live with another adult who tells you off and sends you to bed if you disobey them or disagree with them more strongly than you would like.

It’s interesting you are ignoring all the posters that are asking you in what way you class yourself as being submissive?

To be honest your relationship doesn’t sound much different from a lot of other relationships that we see on Mumsnet every day.

Apart from him telling you when to go to bed you haven’t given any other examples of how you are submissive to him or what he expects from you in terms of you being a submissive and him being a dominant.

That is appalling.

'Being told off or punished ' for not doing as he says like when you should go to bed?

You're allowing him to treat you like another child in the family- not an adult.

You specially said that a consequence for disagreeing / not submitting might be being sent to bed.

What’s the latest reason / reasons for that happening?

Ditto being ‘told off’ what’s the latest thing you’ve been told off for by him?

OP, stop listing the mechanics and the situations, and focus on how being submissive makes you feel. What other types of situation give you that same feeling, are they healthy situations? What do you get out of that feeling, and why do you feel the need to announce it to other women?
That's what you need to explore, and I'd suggest you do that with a reputable therapist.

I was thinking the same until she posted that she gets punishments/telling off/sent to bed when she doesn't do what he says.

No, thank you.

I think it's because if it's actual submission, then that means by definition one partner is dominating the other and controlling them, and that's definitely not healthy even if they both like it.

But if it's just an abdication of some responsibilities, and the 'submissive' partner will refuse to 'obey' if they don't want to, then it's not submissive, just an odd dependency (in your case, a parent/child type of role-play you do occasionally). Still not healthy, but not really worth mentioning.

It's not a great dynamic for your kids to witness though - they should see parents being a supportive team, not a weird framing where Mum is apathetic and indecisive and does as step-Dad tells her to 90% of the time.

If he’s doing something you don’t like or you call him out on something how does he react?

You’re dependent on him and like not having to go to work/ be decisive. You sound unmotivated and immature and that works for you.
If he does end up ordering you around, treating you like you lack mental capacity, being unfair to your children i.e the submissive thing actually gets real you are going to be less of a fan.

Having read your answers and as long as your kids and yourself and your DH are happy it sounds fine to me. It sounds like an old style relationship although the being sent to bed and denied things if you disagree is over the top imho .I hope that doesn’t happen in front of the kids and that you are really happy with it.
Other than that it sounds like a stay at home wife with DH earning and paying bills. Good luck op I wish you well.

Is it submitting to his judgement, or is it opting out of being an adult because it's easier?

I think they are happy. They have more support/attention. They have clearer boundaries at home.

Yes, I always have and always will have their back. My husband will too.

I would manage like I have in the past. Just have to get on with it.

Yes

How can he send you to bed? Does he physically put you in the bedroom and lock you in?

If you said 'No' what would he do?

What kind of punishments do you get if you do something he doesn't agree with?

Yes and no, depends what it is. Just with my husband. No, I don't think so.

Do you have enough to walk away, rent a home, live without him if you decided that?

I have some access. I have my own savings, a credit card and money he puts in my account.

He wouldn't do that but no I wouldn't. I mean I try and obey him but not blindly.

But you do know he could block the card if it's registered in his name?
And he could stop putting money into your account.

Do you keep the child benefit you get?

I have savings, our house is in joint names, i have a pension.