I am submissive to my husband AMA

[Peachesx2606]

Please AMA but please be kind.

I'm interested in other thoughts/opinions and will try to give mine.

This is just something that seems to work for us x

OP I am concerned about you. I'm a social worker and used to specialise in domestic and family violence. PM if you have any questions. Best of luck x

Other things maybe a telling off, not getting something I want, being sent to bed.

Ok, I take back my previous posts. This is not ok or normal and it is not like the other marriages I was comparing yours too.

Its gross and unhealthy. The only way this would be acceptable if its an accepted part of your sexual life, but personally I don't even agree with that.

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

' Coercive control creates invisible chains and a sense of fear that pervades all elements of a survivor’s life. It works to limit their human rights by depriving them of their liberty and reducing their ability for action. Experts like Evan Stark liken coercive control to being taken hostage. As he says: the victim becomes captive in an unreal world created by the abuser, entrapped in a world of confusion, contradiction and fear (Stark, 2007).

This controlling behaviour is designed to make a person dependent by isolating them from support, exploiting them, depriving them of independence and regulating their everyday behaviour. '
...
'Some common examples of coercive behaviour are:

• Isolating you from friends and family
• Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
• Monitoring your time
• Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
• Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
• Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
• Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
• Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
• Controlling your finances
• Making threats or intimidating you '

I've bolded things here that you have described your husband as doing, OP.

Maybe worth having a look at that article?

This sounds like it could be emotional abuse. He's controlling.

I said in my post that APART from the bedtime and punishments her relationship is very similar to a lot of other couples.

I am very aware that women do not accept being told to go to bed by their partners.

Surely this is a wind up.

OP, I read all of your posts.

To me they sound like a sublimated cry for help.

Are you aware there is lots of help and support out there? Women on mumsnet can offer plenty of advice and are happy to listen. We can also direct you to other sources of support, like Women's Aid, etc.

My friends and family like him. In terms of our relationship noone knows the ins and outs except my best friend. She would like a similar relationship, tbh!

Girls - 18, 14, 6. No they are not.

Yes, they are.

Parents' behaviour has an enormous impact on children.

I wouldn't be with a man who wanted my children to sleep in the garage!

In all honesty, I don't know.

Being sent to bed? Wtf @Peachesx2606 . My dh has financial control and make most decisions because he works and likes to have control whereas I don't work and love to not have to think about bills. But when it comes to children I'm the boss. And also about anything concerning myself he can try to "tell me off" but I would just roll my eyes or tell him to shut up. Not getting something I want? Why would I ask him in the first place unless it's something expensive? Tell me to go to bed? I would laugh. He would never say this because 1. He respects me and 2. I respect myself and would tell him to fuck off and he knows this.
Your dh does not respect you OP - that's a big problem or it would be to most.

I have access to money. I don't have to ask for everything.

I have to admit a few people have brought up about our financial position and I'm probably not as savvy on this as I should be.

As for parenting we are on the same page so not an issue.

And yes, I would.

Your last point means nothing apart from the fact that as a passive, psychologically-underdeveloped, woman with low self-esteem, who has so little faith in herself she’s palmed off all major and minor decisions onto her husband, you’ve chosen a best friend with similar issues with lack of agency. You’ve deliberately not chosen an ordinarily confident friend who would tell you to cop on, think about what you’re modelling for your children, and sign you up for the Freedom programme.

Just like you chose a weird husband who is ok with his wife wanting to palm off all decisions onto him and be treated like a small child. A normally well-balanced man would want to be in partnership with someone who was prepared to be an adult alongside him.

This is a good point and I've never really thought about it. But I agree I need to be able to.

Of course they are.

Your girls of 14 and 18 must surely see what goes on.

You are SENT TO BED as a punishment.

Are you genuinely believing your children do not see this?

I think you have deluded yourself that what you have is a normal marriage where you are treated an an equal.

I also think by starting this thread you wanted posters to confirm that.
Because deep down you know this is not normal.

Grown, adult women, who are confident and have self respect, do not allow their husbands to a) punish them and b) send them to be and c) perhaps threaten to hit them or use force.

They also as parents would not bring up children in a home where this happens.

You can dress up your marriage however much you like but it's abusive.
I'm sorry and you need to discuss it in full with your therapist.

I assume you're working on self esteem but they don't know your H punishes you.

It's like a sick game. You get what you want - nothing to bother your head about and he does all of that. (Much easier than your first marriage where you did it all.)

You stick to cooking and cleaning (and sex no doubt) but the price you pay is having to fall into this role-play of being like a child who he bosses about and punishes.

He sounds horrible and in need of therapy too.

I've don't think I do model it in front of them as such. It is important to me that they know they can have the relationship they want.

Yes, I have a say over them as does their dad.

For god’s sake, OP, you’re modelling being a mimsy, passive, frightened adult woman who is so afraid of the world and normal adult decision-making she’s retreated into childhood! Only someone absolutely blinkered would not see what damage they’re doing to their children!

Well, I suppose ultimately we'd split up. But I think we only want this for our relationship as both agree, I don't think it can happen otherwise.

Every single thing you do models it.

Are you saying they can't see you going to bed when he says as a punishment?

Are you pretending it's when you want to go to bed?

🤪

I can decide things if I need to. I just like the reduced mental load.

Weird