I am submissive to my husband AMA

[Peachesx2606]

Please AMA but please be kind.

I'm interested in other thoughts/opinions and will try to give mine.

This is just something that seems to work for us x

I try to follow what he says.

Try to?

Just jumping on to answer a few more questions.

My older children are 18 and 14. Yes, they live with us.

Good question about the impact on them. I feel it is positive because I have a partner who is equally interested in parenting, someone to talk things through and I guess for back up. My husband definitely makes some of the decisions, but I guess day to day I make decisions. Sometimes I ask him if I'm not sure how to handle something. Obviously, their dad is involved too.

Agree 100% and that's what I posted just before you.

'Feminine' to me can, at best, describe a style of clothes but it's not about never making decisions within a relationship or being financially dependent on a an.

Submissive = Door mat /handmaiden /servant imo. Never a good thing for any woman.

Yeah, the emphasis on being 'feminine' equalling 'submission' is weird, and a little concerning.

Your answer seems to set the bar low for what you expect.
If he is interested in parenting isn't that the absolute minimum of a dad? Even if two of the children are step children.

You've focused purely on his role as a dad.

What's missing is your own inability to function as an adult woman, in a relationship, making decisions, earning money, being treated as an equal.

Not trying to follow' whatever a man decides- simply because HE IS A MAN.

What career are you retraining for?
Will you find work easily and will it pay well?

He tells you when to go to bed, and you go? Like a child?

I don't know. We'd talk about it. If I felt strongly about something he'd listen. I guess it would depend on context as to if it was a big decision or just something minor. He would more likely get a bit annoyed if I was resisting something minor for no good reason. I do dare to refuse, I'm not scared of him.

Can you give some specific examples of times when you're submissive? Because it seems you're involved in all the day to day decisions and you agree on parenting values. Do you mean he decides big things like where you live or work, what car you drive, where you go on holiday? Or would he tell you what to wear or what to watch on TV?

In the case of my friend,, the H does pay each month into a private pension of her own, and as she gets CB this covers her NI towards a state pension.

It is her money once it’s in her bank account. She controls her own spend like that. She prefers this to a joint account. She told him how much she wanted and he gives her that.

You clearly just disagree with SAHM, so just say that rather than quibbling over the set up.

Consider the example you are setting your children OP.
Be submissive to a man.
Or anyone actually. It is not a positive thing to teach by example. And not one which sits with most in society today. Thank goodness for that.
There is a reason why not. To expect one to be subjugated to another ? I don’t find anything loving in that at all. You should be equals OP. Equals.
Please tell me he doesn’t tell you how to vote in an election ?
We do not live in medieval times OP. And should have no desire to return to them.

It was mutual. I think I like not having all the mental load. I do lack a bit of confidence I guess and I feel like I don't always make the best decisions for myself, I can be a bit lacking in self-discipline.

The more you write the more I'm struggling to see much difference between yours and anyone else's relationship, except perhaps being told to go to bed, but even that sounds like he just being helpful.
.

You've jumped fast to the wrong conclusion. You didn't give all the facts.
How did you get there by my mentioning longer term financial security?

I was a SAHM for 4 years until my youngest started school.
But after that I worked and still am even though I don't need the money. It's about my identity.

I am very happy for women to do what they want to. But there are many examples here of women who face poverty in older age by not planning their future or if their marriage breaks down.

Are you actually submissive?

Because your answers state you do what you like, if your opinion and his differ youll differ to his choice of clothes, decor and hotels (but usually get your way) but you make decisions about running the home and the children, specifically yours. You have your own money (granted provided by his income)

Are you submissive or just not used to a considerate man having an opinion on your lives and willing to pull his weight?

Because there doesnt seem any examples where you've submitted on anything important unless youve agreed with his opinion. You seem like arent submitting to just that youre asking for his view and discussing the decisions and hes taking some of the planning load?

Do you think he would have a right to feel annoyed about you exercising your own free will?

This is a thought-provoking question. I want them to take their own path and do what is right for them. Ultimately, when I really think about it no, I probably wouldn't. I'd like them to be more self reliant.

If your husband left you tomorrow, how would you feel?
If after you got the divorce settlement, how would you manage?
Both day to day and long term.

I wouldn't worry about being "outside the norm" OP - what's normal, anyway? We all have different ways of relating, often where one person does the heavy lifting in a particular area that the other finds difficult - be it emotional, physical or in general terms like your reluctance to take responsibility for things.

It doesn't really matter as long as you're happy, and it doesn't sound abusive to me. It sounds as though you've found a solution that works for you both. I wonder if your abusive previous marriage increased your anxiety about being blamed for "wrong decisions" (perhaps reinforcing a core belief from childhood).

My only worry would be how you'd cope with life if something happened to your DH, but that's a case of "cross that bridge if we come to it" - I know I'd be fucked without mine (for different reasons!).

That's a very honest answer, OP.

But if you wouldn't choose the current set up for your children, is there a reason why you think it's ok for you?

No, we haven't. But we would just move with what felt right and what worked in our marriage. I've no doubt we'd stay together and work out something new together.

To me, it sounds as though he is helping you to navigate life after a certain amount of damage that you might heal from in time, and at that point he will not impose the current arrangement on you against your will. It just works for now.

OP, you sound genuinely happy and peaceful with less mental load right now, and I’m glad it’s working for you.

My concern is about vulnerability. You’ve handed over most “adulting” responsibilities to your husband. If circumstances changed, could you step back in as an equal partner? Could you pick those skills up again?

A few practical things worth considering: Are finances fully transparent - joint accounts, access to bank details, passwords, bills? If he passed first, would you know where everything is without a notebook of details?

Long term: if those skills fade with age, would you end up relying on your children to “look after you” because the knowledge isn’t there? And for your kids - they copy what they see. Sons might struggle to find partners if they expect blind obedience, and daughters might miss red flags if they’re taught never to question male authority.

The risk isn’t the arrangement working today. The risk is having no skills + no choices if it stops working tomorrow.

The more you reply the less it looks like a 'submissive' marriage.
It looks as if you lack confidence or even the desire to make decisions and are happy to delegate everything for an easy life.

You jumped from your first marriage where you did everything, to be with a man who you allow to make all the big decisions.

This is because - it seems- you aren't that fussed over a lot of issues and it's easy to let someone else sweat the hard stuff.

It's not about being controlled, more like you can't be bothered to engage with decisions.

I don't feel I owe him obedience. I feel marriage is give and take so in this current season of our life as he works and I am at home, I do most of the housework and all the cooking for example. I guess I feel I owe him equal effort.