I am submissive to my husband AMA

[Peachesx2606]

Please AMA but please be kind.

I'm interested in other thoughts/opinions and will try to give mine.

This is just something that seems to work for us x

It bothers me that you have a few times referred to yourself as very feminine as if being very feminine means not looking after yourself and being dependent on others. I think that underlying thinking is really demeaning to women and retrograde. I also know lots of men who bake and cook (DH is the main cook in our house). When my DDs were young, i dropped the term “tomboy” from my vocabulary because teaching children that there’s something inherently male about wanting to climb trees, roll in mud and run around having adventures is truly awful.

It’s perfectly possible to be very feminine and earn your own money and i hope you’re not teaching your daughters that it’s somehow masculine to be independent, earn your own living and generally be an adult. That, i think, would be to do them a terrible disservice.

To be fair to OP, she has managed in the past, in her first marriage and as a single parent. She knows the alternatives but prefers it this way. Would you say that was true with your mil?

This has moved on since last night so you might have answered this already @Peachesx2606 but my point is-

You are not financially independent.
Your H gives you an allowance.
You can use a joint credit card (but have none of your own so he could block you as a 2nd card user.)
You have to have his 'ok' to buy other big things- what, like a car or a coat?

And if he doesn't agree- what then?

Being submissive to someone puts you in a vulnerable position. Agreeing to do something you agree with and are comfortable with is fine - that isnt submissive it is a mutually agreed position. Doing things you are uncomfortable with or disagree with because of some over-riding agreement to 'submit' is being submissive.

You are modelling this to your three daughters. You have said that they are unaware of the situation, but given you all live in the same house this is frankly impossible. The dynamic between you and partner will be visible to them.

Why do you not want to have a situation where you maintain your current responsibilities with your partner earning and you focusing on your education, the home and childcare, but you dont submit rather you mutually agree large decisions together?

What do you think are the repercusions of modelling submiting to things you are uncomfortable with or disagree with to your daughters?

Why do you think your partner is happy to ask you to do things you are uncomfortable with or disagree with?

Would you be happy for your daughters future partners to ask them to do things they are uncomfortable with or disagree with?

Having read this whole thread I cannot help but think that -

OP isn't in a dom/sub relationship. After a failed first marriage with a lacklustre bastard who was abusive and did nothing she is now in a relationship where her husband does stuff, makes decisions and doesn't leave everything up to her. OP hasn't given this much thought but leans into it, it feels safe and comfortable after ex H. She thinks not doing it all makes her submissive.

OP comes and goes as she pleases, makes lots of decisions about day to day life (clothes, food) and influences many other areas e.g. holidays.

This doesn't sound like sub/dom.

The sub/dom thing is so subtle that OP's children (who presumably live with them) wouldn't even know about it. OP doesn't talk to anyone about it in real life, hasn't really got answers about any of it. OP isn't even sure what it is, what it is,means for her or how it plays out.

It isn't sub/dom.

OPs whole future would be made better if instead of doing AMA on Mumsnet she sat down quietly with a pencil and piece of paper and asked herself some hard questions.

And then sought some therapy about her father, first husband, anxiety, fear of 'adulting', feminine equally submissive, shame about the sub/dom fantasy and any other unresolved issues which are going to hold her back for the rest of her life if she doesn't burst the bubble.

All this aside this kind of surrendered wife/trad wife/submissive thing is totally BOLLOCKS in this day and age. What a way to live your fucking life as an adult.
So many women around the world are forced to live like this and yet here is a free woman with life as an open book available volunteering herself up to servitude and control. Why is this sane?

We are being drip fed this nonsense by this sort of thread.
Threads hidden behind a little bit of a thrill, sexism-porn with a frisson of dominance thrown in. The 'I accept not everyone has to live like this' line is thrown in to excuse the drip feed of sexism coming our way.

Often I think these threads are by men/AI/bots with a schtick.

Fuck being submissive. Grow some OP and stop dripping your half baked, lacklustre poison in our ears and that of your daughter (presuming you are an actual woman with an actual daughter.)

Its obviously sexual, if not for the OP then for her DH. And OP its disingenious to say you don't know what people mean when they say is it sexual? As an adult you'd have fully expected and known why you'd have been asked this question.

Submissive is also a weird word to use out of the bedroom - it isn't positive. It just sounds like he does what he wants and controls all the money.

OP maybe you're looking for a different word, like old fashioned or traditional?

Do you ever worry your husband will get sick of it, OP? Having to tell another adult when to go to bed… I mean, really… being in that kind of paternal role constantly and not being in an equal partnership might get tiresome. It’s the kind of stuff that can give people the ick @Peachesx2606

I've read all your posts now OP>

I take issue with this

I feel like I am very feminine and being submissive seems right for me.

This is not what being 'feminine' is.

What you mean is you lack confidence.

Maybe you like dressing in typically 'girly' clothes- lace, frills, pink, high heels, Barbie Doll style, whatever, but that's not what we're talking about.

I see you as a woman with mental health issues- you have said you have anxiety.

You don't like making decisions. This has nothing to do with being 'feminine'.
It means you are not functioning as an adult woman who is capable of being an equal partner in your marriage.

You possibly also feel that because you are not working, you have no say in how your income as a couple is spent. Yes?

Your life sounds like a wife from 100 years ago. No independence, no money of her own, husband has to have the last word and make the decisions.

If that suits you, fine. But it's not a good role model for your own children.

OPs relationship isn't sub/dom. It's some kind of co dependency.

It's not 'co'- the dependency is all one way.

Disagree. He could be a codependent too if his identity is wrapped up in being dominant in a relationship of equals. Perhaps he struggles with relationships where he doesn’t have that final say. That sounds a bit maladaptive (if that’s the right word!)

OP has been a single mother so she’s already learnt how to take care of herself.

I completely agree.

I am very feminine.
I am polite, friendly and kind and I take pride in my appearance. I enjoy doing my nails, hair, make up etc.

But I am extremely independent, hard working and strong willed.

It seems OP equates being feminine with being weak/feeble which is quite concerning.

I see nothing feminine about her as IMO women are strong.
Women are usually the strong, dependable ones in the relationship.
There is a reason why mothers are usually so central to the entire family.

OP is basically just another child.

It’s very concerning that these children are growing up with this as their role models.

He's enabling her failure to stand on her own two feet and do some actual thinking/healing.

Because we'd like to know. (joke)

Do you feel that opting out of being an adult is fair to your children? Do you honestly believe that a man who isn't related to them makes better decisions for them than their mother?

I'm very much live and let live so would never judge. However, if there's one thing life's taught me is that when the brown stuff hits the fan, no one else can carry the load for you. No one else can live your life for you. To me OP sounds weary and extremely anxious- as if she'd basically handed the steering wheel of her own life to her husband. It might work for a while but it sounds like there's a whole iceberg of unexplored issues to unpack. I don't think it has anything to do with her relationship as such.

I guess it depends how long she was a single parent for and what career etc she had.

As a single parent, I would never ever give up my career and rely solely on a man.
So it’s even more concerning that she has done this when she’s experienced being a single parent before.

But my mum was a single parent and was a pretty strong woman when we were growing up.
But then she got into a relationship where she too took a backseat on everything, didn’t focus on her career etc and now cannot function as a single adult.

She has lived with 16 men in the past year because she just moves from 1 home to another as she just can’t cope on her own anymore.
It’s extremely concerning.

I think when you’re younger and you become a single parent, you can adapt much easier. I also think you’ve got the strength of having to do it for your kids sake.
But I think when you get older, it gets much harder to adapt.

If OP lives the next 10 years like this, then she’s going to seriously struggle if he then leaves her or dies as her entire personality and income depends on him.

Do you think it’s fair that your husband carries the burden of making all the decisions for a family of 5 and would you be happy for your daughter to allow a man to make her decisions for her?

Not really. OP says she is studying for a career change. Another way of looking at things is that he is financially supporting her to do this. Rather than her being trapped in a job she hates as they need the money. Once she is working she’ll have financial independence again.

I have a friend not in a relationship like this, but is a SAHM and he pays her each month. She chose this financial set up over any other as she likes having her own money to manage. She decided how much she would need and he gives her that.

Why do you do this?

This!

Or, put another way, an impressionist painting is made of dots: the small decisions and tasks make the big picture.

OP, it sounds to me like you do most of the work (and decision-making) to run the household, parent the children (fair enough with the eldest two as your DH isn’t their father) and support your DH’s job.

You sound like you’re in service, lumbered with all the mundane day-to-day tasks. I find it odd you find that ‘safe’ or submissive. Sounds more like a Faustian contract: you get someone funding you and your kids in return for bringing up one of his, without him having to equitably share the parenting or compromise his career/earnings. You’re both giving up the responsibility you don’t want to take.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your DDs look for a similar arrangement. You’re modelling it to them. And it’s already quite fashionable among some young women to look for a man who’ll fund their lifestyle, rather than seeking to be financially independent and look for a man who wants to be an equitable partner and parent.

But it’s a risk. While having a servant at home is great, it’s also a burden, and men in that situation can eventually be attracted to independent women. Happened in my family and the woman was left alone with no one to ‘serve’. Surely a healthy relationship is one where both parties feel safe and happy in themselves and the relationship is the coming together of two independent people who don’t ‘need’ each other but ‘choose’ each other.

What will you do when your DC are all adults and there’s no one to look after apart from your DH?

OP doesn't sound submissive at all, just apathetic, indecisive, insecure, and avoidant of responsibility. 'Submissive' would involve doing what her husband tells her to even when she doesn't want to do it, AKA 'submitting' to him, but clearly that's not the case.

So it's basically just her abdicating all the adult responsibilities she doesn't want to be held accountable for, to him. If that works for them, and she can do things and support him if necessary, that's fine I guess. But it's not being 'submissive' in any sense of the word.

For the people asking questions without having RTFT first - the quick & easy way to check whether the OP has already answered that question is to click on See all in the corner of her first post.

There is no guarantee that whatever she is studying for as a career change would give her financial independence. It could be a career that was low-paid.

Maybe she will explain further?

I have a friend not in a relationship like this, but is a SAHM and he pays her each month. She chose this financial set up over any other as she likes having her own money to manage. She decided how much she would need and he gives her that.

Can you see the contradiction? Your friend is not having her own money to manage. She is living within the means of what he gives her.

If that were to stop, through his loss of income or a change of mind, or divorce, what would she do?

She is also presumably not contributing to a state pension or a private one. Where does that leave her in the future?