I am submissive to my husband AMA

[Peachesx2606]

Please AMA but please be kind.

I'm interested in other thoughts/opinions and will try to give mine.

This is just something that seems to work for us x

I think it sounds like a good relationship that works for your family.
Have you read the book Fascinating Womanhood @Peachesx2606? It's by Helen Andelin.

what happens when / if you disobey your husband?

Is this a joke? Why submissive? You are your own person, can you not make your own decisions? I just find it a bit strange that after years of women fighting for independence this seems so have become a trend?

The benefits are not having everything on my shoulders. Feeling safe and looked after. Not having to be so serious.

So you want to be treated like a child?

Do you see him as a father figure?
Did you not have a good relationship with your dad?

I’m very open minded and think people should live how they want as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone but I do think when you have kids it’s very important to put them first and be a good role model.

Why have you decided that your happiness and need to want less responsibility trumps your children’s experiences?

My main job as a mother is to teach my DC independence and to become competent, well-rounded adults who never needs to rely on anyone.
You don’t work and rely on someone for everything, you can’t even make a decision by yourself. Your entire existence depends on him.

Do you not think that’s unfair to your children?
Could you not have waited until they moved out to play this father/daughter dynamic that you wanted?

God people are harsh on here.

Were you submissive in your first marriage?

How would you react if a friend confided in you that her husband told her when to go to bed every night?

Well I wouldn't be as harsh as people on here have been. Could be my pal had a habit of staying up too late binging box sets and then moaned all day about being tired.

It doesn't matter what your pal is up to. Unless they're running a prison or mental institution, adults don't get to tell other adults what time to go to bed.

No risks there at all 😔. FFS.

What happens if he gets made redundant or wants to divorce?

What happens if he gets ill and you've totally become deskilled in being able to 'take the reins'. Or even if you eventually decide it's not for you, how do you then change the dynamic?

Sorry but I think it's a disaster waiting to happen and if I knew you I'd think it was pretty pathetic. I couldn't see myself ever hanging around with someone who would allow this to happen. Pathetic.

I understand this OP. I know two couples in similar dynamics ( religion based) and it’s what they both want and it works well for them. I can see from the questions here a lot of people don’t understand how these dynamics work. These relationships do depend on the man being a good human being who genuinely respects and loves his partner and family and who centred having a strong and happy family life. But if that exists, and the woman also actively chooses this life, it can work.

People are allowed to have different opinions.

I am glad if you have found something that works for you. I’m curious about the conversation when you raised it. How did that go?
You mentioned feeling looked after and safe and needing that. What other feelings do you have about your relationship?
What would you do if something happened do he was unable to do what he is currently doing?
Best wishes x

People are not, generally speaking, allowed to be controlling. If someone posted that their DH told them when to go to bed every single night, regardless of whether they were tired or wanted to, MN would be up in arms. And I think you know that.

Why does it work?

Do you work outside of the home and earn/contribute to your pension?

Do you have children?

Would you like your daughter to live like you do?

Is this dynamic visible to your children? Have you ever considered how it might affect them and influence what they consider to be „normal“? How it might shape their views of men and women?

does it influence how you raise your children? Does he also „lead“ you in regards to how you raise and parent? Especially the children from your previous marriage?

edit: typos

I'm not interested in arguing with you. Good user name btw.

I get the thing about it being less stressful to delegate all the decision making to someone else. But there are two things which tell me that you aren't necessarily happy about the situation you've created.

1. You don't talk about it with anyone other than one very close friend.
2. You chose to start this thread.

Now you've slept on it overnight, having gone to bed when he told you to, are you as happy as you thought you were?

You sound a bit like me, my parents weren’t able to love me and I felt very much on my own with stuff for a long time (also have anxiety which is well managed) . I ended up wanting someone to just take care of everything. I understand the reflex of feeling like it’s all too much and just hand it over but I can’t imagine trusting anyone this much. I’m also deeply suspicious of a man who wants to, if I opt out of the thinking DH gets annoyed because we usually war game together.

I think it may feel psychologically soothing but equally theres an element of disrespect there on the part of your husband. DH seeks my opinion because he values it and he’s not arrogant enough to think he’s thought of everything and we make joint decisions because what he decides affects me and vice versa, marriage and a life together is a joint project.

there’s a lot of „grey“ or ambiguity in most relationships ime. I would not call myself submissive at all (and I manage our finances whilst keeping DH informed because I DON‘T want him to be clueless)… And yet my DH „makes me“ go to bed in the sense that he‘s often going „pumpkins, you’re falling asleep on the sofa“ and pulls me up by my hands.

I suppose he has a bit more responsibility in regards to encouraging both of us to stick to our sleep schedule…

I could „dress this up“ as him authoritatively telling me when to go to bed if I wanted or needed to feel „submissive“.
When it’s actually just two adults in a mutually supportive relationship.

I’m better with finances, he’s better at sticking to a reasonable „bedtime“. (I’m better at meal planning and do the food shopping, he does the laundry including folding, hanging etc.)

I’m wondering if OP derives comfort from believing that she’s submissive in all areas of life as some sort of safety blanket and therefore frames their interactions in a manner she finds comforting / safe.

Have you ever had psychotherapy OP?

I'm still confused how you're actually submissive and what he makes the decisions on.

You've said you are sometimes pissed off with him, so presumably there are times when you disagree with him. What would you do if he made a decision that you fundamentally disagreed with, particularly if it was one involving your children?

And how do you know this?

I would worry that you could become like my mother in law, who was literally helpless when FIL died because he had been in charge of everything. What if anything are you doing to guard against this?