I am submissive to my husband AMA

[Peachesx2606]

Please AMA but please be kind.

I'm interested in other thoughts/opinions and will try to give mine.

This is just something that seems to work for us x

This doesn't sound like submission. A few aspects sound like the usual parts of a supportive relationship. The rest sounds like OP just wants an easy life with a husband who financially supports her and manages the parts of their lives she doesn't want to deal with.

It honestly sounds more like an adulting fail than submission. All this talk of being safe is disturbing and screams helpless damsel in distress.

It's concerning, not because of OP and her husband's relationship, but because the husband is making decisions about the older children who are not his and because 3 girls are growing up thinking a lack of autonomy and independence is normal for a woman in a relationship.

All this talk of being safe is disturbing…

Quite. @Peachesx2606 needs counselling. This is not healthy.

what do your children think of him? Do they like him at all?

In what ways specifically are you submissive to him other than letting him make decisions?

The only example of him making a decision v she's given is telling her when to go to bed. And the finance side (he gives her money but she runs big spends past him) isn't unusual when only one person is earning.

OP doesn't sound "submissive" she just sounds unemployed.

What is the taboo subject that people wouldn't understand ? Perhaps if you just spat it out we could give you our honest thoughts . Remember you are anonymous here . Other than that I surmise that although you trust your husband to make the right decisions you feel that they aren't what you really agree to but don't challenge . For God's sake learn to speak up and not be a door mouse .

Are you worried that having put yourself in the role of child in the relationship your dh will look for someone who is able to take the pressure off having to make every single decision

Exh put me in the position of decision maker and it was exhausting. I felt like I had 2 children and another child who just carried on doing the same things over and over expecting it to always be a certain way and not seeing the damage he was causing

You talk about feeling safe and looked after because you are submissive.

Surely feeling safe and feeling looked after in a relationship should be there regardless of being submissive.

I do think you have to ask yourself if you only feel safe and looked after when you give over decision making to your dh, are you really that compatible

Your dc will be learning exactly how to behave in a relationship.

What happens if your DS’s gfs/wife doesn’t agree to being submissive and that way of life is all he knows.Or your DD’s marry people who take advantage of them

Children soak up everything even if you don’t think they notice, they will notice.

Absolutely no fucker gets to tell me, an adult woman, what time I go to bed. Were you not embarrassed to write that sentence?

If your husband died or decided to leave you one day, would you feel able to make your own decisions and decide things on behalf of your children?

I don't care about traditional relationships and how people view them because, for me, they just make sense. But an adult being told by another adult when to go to bed is just weird. It sounds less submissive and more infantile. Are you role playing? Submission in marriage, as it is traditionally spoken about, does not align to the things you are describing.

Can I ask why you chose to be submissive? Also if you have a daughter and she chose this life how would you feel?

Can't say I paticularly understand as I like my independence too much,
However, my husband always expects me to make decisions which annoys me.
So I do like the decisive factor
So if it works for you, lovely!

My mother spent her life allowing my father to dominate their lives. He made all the decisions both financial and practical. When he died she was clueless. Couldn’t use a computer, had never managed bills and had no concept about money. I decided I was never going to be like her. You aren’t setting a good example to your children or empowering yourself in any way.

@Peachesx2606 your posts make me feel sad. What about your children and how you model things for them? Im a single parent myself and I show the kids that yes you can do it alone, and that if you are in a relationship, you deserve to be treated well/equally. Effectively youre teaching your kids that they cant manage without someone telling them what to do. Or if boys, you're putting a big pressure on them to control everything.

It sounds like you are mentally quite lost and dealing with that, so you find it easier to let him do everything else life throws. Its a risk though as I have a friend who has done similar but has found herself being quite controlled/stuck now and resenting her partner. Luckily she found a job, and now more of her identity.

Pretty concerned with your statement that he tells you when to go to bed because you can't decide that for yourself. My concern is for the longevity of this arrangement. At some point he might want an adult partner not an adult child partner and you might feel like growing up a bit. With anxiety it's easy to lean into others but this is just avoidance. You're not his pet, you're his wife. You ask for kindness but sometimes you need bluntness and maybe that's the real reason you started this thread.

What are the examples where he may have overruled you, or you have done something as you are submissive rather than truly wanting to. As your replies seem that you agree with all decisions, but where does the submissive part come in. What do you have to submit to agreeing to?

Agree.

I can understand the attraction of a manly man - you know the sort who can bury a dead pet, deal with a rat infestation, fillet a fish and climb the scaffolding to inspect the roofer's work. One who never ever expects me to mow the lawn. On the other hand, nothing gives me a warm contented glow like the fact that my assets and inheritances are entirely my separate property rather than being owned jointly with my husband. I don't think that being wilfully blind about financial decisions is a safe situation for any woman. But if it works for you, who am I to knock it.

As an aside, do you wear a frilly apron and cook from scratch?

Nasty.

Do you not realise that, no matter whether you think your daughters don’t notice, they absolutely will clock the terrible example you are setting them? They may grow up to reject it, or even you. Or you could be raising girls who think this is a normal way to live, and as such hand over their power to a man who takes complete advantage of their learned incompetence. Do better OP.

All answered

Does he tell your DCs what to wear?
What would happen if he told them that they could not wear specific clothes, for example the latest trends?
What happens if he demands certain sexual things and you don’t want to do them?

Sorry OP, but in what way are you actually submissive?

Apart from saying he tells you when to go to bed, you haven’t said anything else that implies he has some kind of control over you or tells you what to do?

You seem to have a lot of autonomy over your day to day activities, you have access to money, you discuss decision making together, you make your own choices over how you dress, what you eat, what you buy etc, so how are you a submissive?

(or am I missing something?)

I think some of the kinder type of dominant people (men and women) in this type of relationship tie themselves in knots to guess what their submissive partners want and make it sound like it’s an order coming from themselves, the dominant one. Often the submissive holds more control than is at all overtly obvious. It’s a rather warped way of getting what you want/need whilst it looks like that’s being defined by another person.

You sound pretty confident, aware and reflective. I don’t think you sound thick at all - what a mean comment from a previous poster. But in some ways this does sound like an elaborate charade, almost a game. I would worry about the children’s interpretation of what could be relatively harmless dynamic overall (if he is as nice as you say) in a childless marriage.

Except for him telling.you yo sleep, i am struggling a bit to see where the submissiveness really comes in here. It sounds like as a couple you split responsibilities. He is in charge of things outside the home and finances, ans you are inside the home. If he doesn't like something you are doing, you talk and vice versa.

Ibmean, sure, we have more discussion probably but it doesn't seem that weird for one person to take on all the effort and thinking for certain things and the other one for others.

You seem to have a much stronger line than usual, but the split of responsibilities dont seem that strange. Unless I am missing something..besides him telling you when yo sleep- which you admit Is something you are bad at doing - where does he make decisions that you dont have a say in.

You obviously do! Because you let your husband make decisions whether you agree with them or not. You can pretend all you like but I bet you, he makes decisions on all sorts of things that you - deep down - don't agree with.

OP, I have known a woman all my life, she married someone 40 years ago. The term 'submissive' or 'trad wife' was not around decades ago but they had what I would call 'a victorian marriage'. He had the final say on everything. Let me tell you, it was not a good example for their children, now in their 30s. They are very dismissive of their mother (my friend). They treat her like her husband has been with her for 40 years. In charge. Her voice or opinion doesn't count.

Just bear that in mind.