I am submissive to my husband AMA

[Peachesx2606]

Please AMA but please be kind.

I'm interested in other thoughts/opinions and will try to give mine.

This is just something that seems to work for us x

He's complicit in you failing to grow up and is doing nothing to help you become an adult human being. If not abusive, that is at very least being happy to encourage you to take part in your own oppression.

He is pretty intelligent but so am I! He can make as good decisions as me and we share the same values/ideals.

I hope my DC follow their own path.

No not submissive in my previous marriage.

Do you not think that this is an abdication of your own responsibilities as a parent? Why are you allowing someone else to make decisions about your children? And how is that fair on them?

Yes, but I've not felt it. I don't see my husband as superior.

That's a good question. I hope not. To a certain extent any woman in a relationship with a man puts herself in a vulnerable situation, I hope my choice of husband means the children are safe.

Perhaps.

It's actually very sad that you have never felt safe in a relationship unless you defer to the man's judgement.

You can obviously live as you wish, but I would strongly encourage you to seek some counselling to explore these issues further.

You say he makes some of the decisions regarding your older children, who aren’t his. That implies they are different decisions to ones you would have made.

Do you really think that you’re prioritising your children if you defer decision making to a man who isn’t even their father?

Yes, I do have anxiety. Yes, exactly that.

Are you really into being submissive then.. or is that what you call it now you have a partner whose willing to make some decisions and take on some life admin and finances?

Youre saying submissive but your answers suggest otherwise. Just that hes a man who will have a discussion and opinion and sometimes you can trust his judgement? Opposed to having to rely on your own and carry everything like you did for XH?

Like the example of i wear what I like but would "consider" his opinion, or painting the livingroom he could veto a colour. Im not submissive but DH tells me I look nicer in green than orange I might more green, and I wouldnt decorate in a way he actively disliked.

You seem to do what you like, go where you want - you just ask for his input and let him do some of the life admin/finances/planning?

Would your husband support you seeking counselling to explore why you feel the need to be submissive in your relationship?

I agree. To me I let my husband have the final say on most big things. Also some small things. He tells me to go to bed because I am not good at making myself go to bed when I should! I do what he says most of the time. Doesn't mean I can't be resistant sometimes, but I trust him to have my best interests at heart. I feel safe like this and I feel less overwhelmed.

I am worried that you have done things you don't want to. Do you have safe words or a red amber green system or a contract? Even though you are not into sexual kink, I would recommend getting in touch with the kink community via fetlife or a local 'munch'. Talk to happy subs. Some of them will be more into the lifestyle or psychological aspects.

You might be interested in books like The Loving Dominant https://archive.org/details/lovingdominant0000warr/page/n9/mode/1up or Rosie Garland's various writings -- Rosie is amazing.

I find life a struggle, I guess. I'm not always good at looking after myself or dealing with everything. I can if I have to but I don't like it,

No, I don't think so. Not sure, tbh.

I managed but I struggled.

Do you get to do things and buy things that you like? Or does everything have to be run part him?

Yes, my previous marriage was abusive at times.

I'm not being coerced.

I do have some agency and autonomy. I will always advocate for my children. This only works as my husband and I share parenting values.

I have to sleep now but will pick up tomorrow.

Thank you for the thought provoking questions.

Is that because he has told you to go to bed now?!

You are very selective with regard to the questions you choose to answer, but I’ll try again….

He doesn't hurt me or disrespect me. But he makes me aware if he isn't happy about something. We don't have loads of conflict I guess because this is our choice

Not hurting you is a very low bar. Accepting your submission is a sign of disrespect in my book. And you choosing to submit is an indication that you do not respect yourself.

I wonder HOW he makes you aware if he isn’t happy about something. And what sort of things make him ‘unhappy’.

You don’t have loads of conflict (incidentally, how many happily married couples do…) because you nearly always back down, accept his decisions, behave like a doormat.

Surely you can see that this is deeply unhealthy?

(edited because I thought of something else…)

Shouldn't you try to build up some self respect instead of being submissive to another person?

So he controls the finances, and you don't work.

Is he paying into a pension for you? Does he have life insurance?

Does he give you an allowance or housekeeping money, or a credit card? Is your name on any accounts? Can you save nest eggs?

Have you discussed savings and investment plans together?

Have you discussed a backup plan for if he has to stop working?

Do you keep up workplace skills by volunteering or training?

Are you in touch with anyone from your former workplaces or your old university or college (if any)?

How would your husband feel if you wanted to do a part time or online or long distance low residency degree or evening course or qualification for personal interest -- a degree, an NVQ, some modules or MOOCS (online open courses)?

Are you on meds or in therapy for anxiety or depression?

Would you consider talking to your GP about low mood or self esteem? Could you go to a peer support group?

So after reading a lot of your responses, what is different between your ‘submissive’ relationship, and just an equal, loving, supportive relationship?

why do you feel the need to label yourself as submissive?

for example, I am a very feminine woman, my husband is traditionally masculine. However I would say we are fully equal partners in our relationship, that listen to each other, we value each others opinions, experiences, choices etc.
we work together equally as a team, always thinking of each other and of each others best interest in every decision we make. I would never say I am ‘submissive’ to him, because my voice/life is equally as important as his.

You said that you are submissive because your husband makes all the decisions. However you then clarified by saying well actually no you talk about them first and if you objected you would say so and speak your opinion and then you would decide together. So that’s ultimately not you being submissive really is it?

also you said your husband takes things/stress off your plate/shoulders (metaphorically I mean not literally obviously!) which didn’t happen in your past relationships, surely that’s just him being supportive and equal loving partner that you work together as a team. it sounds like your previous relationship your partner did less than his share leaving you with all the stress.

what I’m trying to say is this,
do you think your past relationships where your partner was not helpful, supportive, caring of your needs etc, has skewed your definition or perception of a normal healthy relationship?

also have you watched married at first sight Australia season 13? There is a couple on there (Tyson and Stephanie) where this notion of being a submissive woman is discussed at length. Him wanting a submissive wife and what that actually means or entails.
I would be SO interested to know your opinion on their relationship, and on Tyson’s definition of a submissive wife and if that aligns with you at all? Just would help give us all clarity on what you mean by submissive I think.

Men have a long, long history of making decisions that prioritise their own interests.

You sound like a child.
I don’t mean that to come across as unkind…this sounds like a parent child relationship and so my question is… why?

I feel like you need to do some work on that if you don’t know.