I am submissive to my husband AMA

[Peachesx2606]

Please AMA but please be kind.

I'm interested in other thoughts/opinions and will try to give mine.

This is just something that seems to work for us x

What do you mean when you say you are very feminine?

Having been a single mum in charge of absolutely everything for 12 years, I totally get this OP.

I couldn't or wouldn't do it. But when women fought for equality, we fought for choice. And your choice is to do this.

I don't agree with those stating this is un-feminist.

Having read you responses, I actually think you sound quite happy with your setup.If it works for you, then great.

I once had a friend who was in charge of a lot of people at work. He said, that he often found employees just wanted to be told what to do. Some people hate being the 'decision maker.' I somewhat understand the appeal tbh.

Well I’m guessing because it’s so taboo .

• Have you had therapy for your father’s attitude towards you?

• Why do you want to feel safe? And why don’t you feel safe as a lone parent or in an equitable relationship?

• Why do you think being submissive/timid is feminine?

• How would you feel if your DH left you for someone who enjoys making decisions?

• Why do you think your DH likes you to be submissive to him?

• Do you genuinely think you are submissive when you seem to make decisions about day-to-day things like your home and what you cook/eat?

Do you feel you would be able to cope if you were widowed suddenly?

tbh, this sounds like a copout.
"timid" "need to be looked after" "submissive"
You clearly have issues with self worth. Your DH would absolutely have sensed/seen that and it is likely what he found attractive. Better to give in than work on your self esteem and inner strength.

How do you feel about modelling these things to your children? That 'this' will become their 'normal'? This is how your boys (if you have them) will believe women are treated. If you have girls, they will see submitting to a male to be what a relationship is. Not to mention the vulnerability of the position you are in.

Clearly, you have every right to make the choices you want for yourself. My curiosity is around whether you think you are modelling a healthy relationship to your children? If not, how do you reconcile your need for an 'easy' life with the diservice you may be doing your children?

A few questions from me. I can’t decide if you sound a bit timid or maybe a bit sad.

Have you ever been a situation where you’ve disobeyed him? What was the punishment, if any?

Or has there ever been a situation where you made a decision and he overrode it.

Has he ever forbidden you from doing something?

Are you culturally British?

The benefits are not having everything on my shoulders. Feeling safe and looked after. Not having to be so serious.
It would depend very much on the dynamic with her partner/if it was consensual/if she was happy
Yes, I can and do voice my opinion
It partly developed naturally but I spoke about it first
I spend on smaller things/bigger things I involve him. I organise seeing my friends and family but I speak to him about it.
Not all decisions. Like I decide what we eat.
I can't think of a time of regretting. It's a silly thing but I let him tell me when to sleep. I might sometimes be pissed off at the time but never regret getting a good night's sleep.

How does the dynamic between you work for/impact your older children? Does he get the final say in parenting them and making decisions which allow or deny them experiences, opportunities, things or time with you? Do they see their father? What’s their relationship like with your husband?

You’ve answered loads questions, I hope you don’t mind another one from me.

I don't think it would come to that. If I really thought something was wrong I'd say and he'd listen.

He does make some decisions around the older children. But not when we first got together.

What kind of decisions is he in charge of? You say that you would choose where to go on holiday, what to wear, what to eat, when to see friends etc. That doesn’t sound particularly submissive.

What kind of decisions is he making/ taking responsibility for? You’ve talked a lot about him being in charge but haven’t actually given any examples which sound like that’s the case - what kind of things do you have no say over?

Hmm...I don't necessarily think he can make better decisions but I trust him to make the right decisions so I don't have to do everything.

Interesting point. Many work places are structured like this and it can be very successful. Ideally the people who prefer following instructions find the roles where following instructions is important and people who are good at decision making and leadership do that. But the idea that the man is always in this position in a marriage - oh, no. Some men are not clear thinkers or good decision makers, and others will routinely put themselves first instead of considering their partner and children as well.

It wouldn't be fair if he didn't agree to it.

It's completely up to you how you live your life, and it's nobody else's business.

I would feel awful. Yes, I'd feel guilty. I hope I have brought them up to know there is more than one 'normal'.

You’ve checked out of making important and/or difficult decisions about your life, of taking adult responsibility, managing finances and all the stuff that makes you a grown up.

All this stuff about ‘feeling safe’ is quite sad. You are nearly 40 years old! It’s not ‘feminine’ to hide away from life like this, it’s childlike and foolish.

All 3. I would be worried if they thought a woman has to be submissive to a man. I don't think I have brought them up to think that. I don't think they are particularly aware of who makes decisions in our marriage,

I think I have prepared them for that as best as I could/can.

It sounds like you do make decisions for yourself about meal prep and spending small amounts of money. Who dresses the children and buys their clothes?

Are you actually sure you’re submissive or is it just about being in a relationship where he helps and has autonomy for decision making, whereas your last partner did fuck all and you did everything?

My favourite joke:
A man is explaining that in his marriage, his wife makes the small decisions to save him trouble, and asks him to make the important decisions when they come up.
'It has worked perfectly for 25 years. Mind you, come to think of it, all the decisions so far have been small unimportant ones...'

I understand your point. I have always talked to my DD's about the sufragettes and how I always vote as they put their lives on the line to give us that freedom.

Having been somewhat unintentionally in a marriage much like this for over 20 years (met when 20, moved in when 21, married 27, now 46) I would provide a strong word of caution for you. These types of relationships eventually lead to disrespect. He will not respect you as an adult partner and probably already doesn't. He may say he does but that will change and you will change too. They can be very difficult to extricate yourself from as well and your resentment will build up over time I can virtually guarantee it. It feels nice now to be looked after but you two have only been together for six years and that's rookie numbers my friend. Good luck and please keep your eyes wide open.

Does he tell you how to vote?

I do, but I wouldn't if we didn't share the same views on parenting. It wouldn't work if we didn't. They don't really know. I wouldn't say he expects the DC to submit in the same way, The older 2 are teens now. We expect them to do as they are told to a certain extent but they have a lot of freedom.