I am submissive to my husband AMA

[Peachesx2606]

Please AMA but please be kind.

I'm interested in other thoughts/opinions and will try to give mine.

This is just something that seems to work for us x

All you've said so far is he makes all the decisions except for when you don't agree and then you are allowed to make your own decisions.

So apart from him being financially controlling and possibly mistreating your two older children, you have said pretty much nothing about this so called 'submissive' relationship.

It sounds more like a standard abusive relationship tbh.

This is such an odd Ama, op you clearly don’t want to discuss this and are deeply ashamed of your life so what’s the point?

If you went out for dinner, with or without friends, would he choose what you were going to eat? If you were with friends and you didn’t get a say, would that embarrass you?

Well we don't know that her DDs will chose the same lifestyle as OP. We don't know if her parents had this type of relationship or not. My parents certainly didn't and looking at my eldest DDs relationship I can tell she is in no way submissive.

It means letting him make decisions and trusting him to make them in all our best interests. I try to follow what he says.

Can you explain why you trust him more than your own judgement?
Why do you think he has the right judgement?

Are you lacking in confidence or have no strong opinions on anything?

What is saddening is you seem to be completely unaware of the effect, your choice, has on your children @Peachesx2606

Does it really not concern you, as long as, you feel safe and comfy?

So he's a right wing nutter, yes?

You're not talking about D/S sexual dynamics, you're a tradwife?

I find it strange you keep saying ‘feminine’ in relation to being submissive. Personally, I don’t equate being feminine to being submissive, pretty much the opposite! When I think of ‘feminine’ I think of strong women, those who used to hunt for their children’s food, those who fought for our votes, those who broke barriers in the workplace. To me, feminine means strength.

I think everyone should live the life they want and are happy with, but when children are involved I think it’s important to make sure they can always be cared for. If my wonderful husband suddenly had a personality transplant and left me and the children, I know I could provide for them and care for them on my own.

Yes this!

Is it small everyday things like he decides every film you'll watch together or every meal you cook for the family? And/or big things like the house you'll live in or if you'll move across the country?

You call yourself very feminine, I think of myself like that but at the same time I work, I have to think a lot and make a lot of decisions at work, I do things for myself but do enjoy being looked after.

Would you honestly want this for your daughter?

@Peachesx2606 - you have stated that you feel…

• vulnerable
• childish
• embarrassed
• lacking control over finances

which of these, if any, do you consider to be healthy in a so-called ‘happy’ marriage?

Been together 10 years. 3 children, 2 from my previous marriage.

I don't know if I actively sought it consciously but I think I did subconsciously. I wanted a man very different to my first husband. Things developed quite naturally but I was the one to first speak about it. It was something he was fairly open to. I think we both did things in our marriage as it was what our culture expects but ultimately we feel more comfortable living in this more traditional roles. But really we just do what we want we don't blindly follow anything. I mean like my husband does housework. He doesn't just not do it because it was not traditionally 'man's work'. But I do all the cooking, shopping, organising of the house as I like to.

Does your husband make choices that sometimes you disagree with? I’m asking as I can’t imagine losing autonomy and how that would be a good thing. I suppose you could change your mind but I wonder if you lack confidence?

Yes, it could be considered that.

It makes me feel safe.

Why do you allow him to make final big decisions?

Are you genuinely 'not arsed' about anything and can't be bothered to engage your brain and work through decisions yourself?

Excellent question

How can you promise that no one will judge her? Are you new to Mumsnet?

Are your children girls or boys?

Do you worry about how it will affect their future relationships?

Of course we don’t know they will do this, but it increases the chances somewhat, no?

Why would you feel safe by being controlled?

It makes you come over as childish and behaving as if this is a child-parent relationship.

Maybe you need to think about therapy.

But what about your children who are being taught that it’s healthy for women to defer to men in principle?

And being taught that it’s normal for a man to get the final say in the household, even when some of the kids in that household aren’t his?

Sweetheart, you need therapy, you really do.

But first of all, FFS find out about your family’s finances and whose name is on all investments.

No. Are you?

What do you mean by submissive in a day to day sense? Can you give some practical examples of the dynamic?