I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

Christ OP, the more you post the more I think I've genuinely never seen a woman set the bar for marriage so low.

Shocking.

Why on earth did you feel the need to get married? Nobody has to be married to have children - you could have created the children together outside a relationship and then happily co-parented. I know two people who have done this consciously when finding themselves single and running out of time for children they each desperately wanted. Why do you both want to create the illusion of being in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship when you both want sex with other people? It’s a very weird way to get your kicks, and a guaranteed way to mess up your children’s view of and approach to relationships.

It doesn’t make you special and interesting, it makes you self absorbed and less of an admirable parent.

Well given this, and the fact that he's your best friend and the fact that neither of you are in relationships with other men, then I can't see what's very 'lavender' about this marriage at all. It just sounds like a regular marriage to me. Your husband is clearly bisexual.

I also know of women who have experienced physical pleasure while being raped and women who no longer have any sexual desire and are repulsed by their partners but are still able to occasional enjoy sexual activity with them.

Both parts of this statement are extremely questionable. Women do not take pleasure in being raped. An orgasm that occurs during rape is not 'pleasurable' in any way, and indeed is likely to bring more shame and trauma to the victim.

Women who are repulsed by their partners are not enjoying any sexual activity with them.

Where are you getting these ideas from? Is this actually a reverse, and you're a man with a lesbian wife?

I'm in a platonic life partnership myself, but 100% non-sexual in our case (I'm gay, female; he's straight, male). So I find this thread interesting. We don't have kids though.

I'm curious - what led you to both present as a traditional couple, while raising your kids? Rather than letting your kids know that you are friends or however you see yourselves?

What would happen if either of you truly fell in love with someone else? Would co-parenting be something you'd consider?

Do you ever worry about how your kids will feel when they're older if circumstances change, i.e. your DH forms a relationship with a man? As in, do you worry that they might feel betrayed / deceived in any way?

Does you eldest child know that your DH has had relationships with men in the past? (can't remember if you already answered that, sorry OP).

Well surely he’s bi, not gay? Not that labels are necessary but if you’re going to use them …………

OP....are you taking PrEP?

Are you asexual, in the sense that you wanted to be coupled up, get the kids, but don't want to ever be bothered by a horny man.

Lots of people might see the attraction in that.

Is it a kind of open marriage, in the sense he's off chasing men. But you have peace and quiet.

Lots of gay men have had sex with women (usually when they are in denial etc). People can get aroused by the mechanics of physical touch- stimulation and by fantasizing etc. It is hardly unheard of and I understand how it could happen.

I don't know why OP or her husband would bother though. If it's hard work what is the point? Plenty of other ways to get sexual release.

So you are married to a man you love, have sex and 4 kids and are both very happy….. sounds like he actively is bi? Sounds great! Love to see a happy marriage!

Are you sure he is sleeping with other men and not other women?

I don’t think lavender marriage means what you think it means, @dontquestion

If it works for you carry on. It’s nobody else’s business. Some people struggle to conceive of anything they wouldn’t do themselves. Poor imagination.

It's not true.

If a woman experiences an orgasm during rape, it is purely a mechanical/biological response, and nothing to do with feeling 'pleasure'. It is also extremely unfortunate because of the flood of shame and self-doubt that's associated with such an event.

Likewise, men have been known to ejaculate when being sexually abused; again, this does not mean they have experienced pleasure from the abuse.

I appreciate that this is off-topic, but it's important to be crystal clear about this.

Yes I agree - it’s the pleasure word that this it off

Yikes people have tiny world views and can’t comprehend something outside the ordinary. Raising kids is a practical undertaking and you’re being pragmatic and raising them in a loving home. If it works for you both then sounds good to me.

My question- why not just be open with the kids about the set up (in what you feel is an age appropriate way)

Research doesn’t back up what you’re saying tho

What research?

So you would be open to a woman touching you sexually and can imagine yourself enjoying it and being aroused by it?

Sounds like you’re both bisexual to be honest.

That sounds to me like a good arrangement.

I hd a quick google as was also uncomfortable with the assertion that SA survivors may have felt pleasure, this article popped up among others https://bristoluniversitypressdigital.com/view/journals/jgbv/6/3/article-p581.xml

For all the people saying he cant be gay isn't it well accepted that there is spectrum for sexuality? I can well imagine that some gay/lesbian people couldn't be aroused by the opposite sex but there will be a grey area between that and bisexuality. I totally get that two people who care very much about each other can physiologically arouse each other and still not be motivated to seek out the opposite sex for relationships.

It sounds like this relationship works pretty well for you and since I married and conceived late could imagine having had a baby with a gay friend if that had not happened. I'm just not sure I'd want to live as a family rather than co-parent though. If the friendship was so close I think I'd find it really hard if the family unit split up when the kids were adults.

OP, do you have separate bedrooms/your own space? Do you have to pretend to celebrate your anniversary or is it meaningful to you? Do you have to 'mask' much socially and have to 'perform' your marriage? My DH and I are openly tactile with each other, will kiss (just a peck!) and hug in front of the children, friends etc. Does your friendship extend to that?

Why do comfortable lying to and deceiving your children and how will you feel when they lie to and deceive you and are unable to criticise them doing so?

I call BS on this. It was questionable anyway but the point at which you started claiming rape survivors can feel pleasure confirmed to me that this is nothing but a work of fiction by somebody very bored this evening.

No I’m not open to it and don’t plan on it at all.

but if that arrangement benefited me in many other ways and a women was the only one conveniently available to me then I can imagine how through communicating we could agree on an arrangement which is physically pleasurable without there being sexual attraction.