I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

For all the people saying he cant be gay isn't it well accepted that there is spectrum for sexuality?

Absolutely, and he's a flavour of bisexual with a preference for men.

I can only see the abstract so I don't know how much I trust this, especially since the 'research' is literally just quoting a bunch of posts from reddit - there's no safeguards there as far as I can see that means people couldn't write whatever they wanted. So I'll take this with a pinch of salt for now, but thanks for bringing it to my attention.

Can't understand all of these PPs who are outraged at the idea that OP is 'lying' to her children. She is married to a man she loves, conceived her children naturally with him and lives with her DH/their Dad in a loving relationship. Surely their parents' sexual preferences are nothing to do with young children, or even older children? OP, I think your set-up sounds fine. Good for you.

I love how people are so uncomfortable that such an arrangement can (and does) exist that they 1) tell the OP her husband’s sexuality - I’m sure he knows best, and 2) tells OP it’s immoral but the same won’t be said on single mum threads, absent father threads, ONS threads etc. Those poor children being loved and cared for by both parents - how will they cope?!

Do you share money and are named in wills etc OP?

Did you read the abstract:

This article presents a thematic analysis of 50 posts describing the experience of arousal and/or pleasure during sexual violence drawn from Reddit, the popular online discussion board. The findings highlight the importance of distinguishing between physiological arousal, psychological pleasure and consent, and the significant shame and self-blame of survivors who feel that an aroused or pleasurable response implicates them in their own assault. The article closes by reflecting on the importance of distinguishing between consent, arousal and pleasure in sexual violence policy and practice, and recognising that arousal and pleasure are features of non-consensual as well as consensual encounters.

I don’t see why posters are so hung up on boxing your partner into “gay” or “bi”.
It doesn’t matter or make a difference. He is who he is - and you both sound awesome!
what you’ve chosen is working for you & your family as a unit. I’ve so many gay friends but am myself completely cis-het, with my partner for 30 years almost, as vanilla as they come. I don’t judge people by their boxes, pronouns, preferences/kink, or relationship, but on whether they’re cool, kind and funny + caring friends.
If their “setup” is untraditional, but they are happy, then that’s all and that’s it.
Well done for creating what works for you guys and makes you happy!

Another vote for the "he is bisexual camp". Although it may take him cheating on OP with a woman for her to see it.

Another question: since you chose to have children in a way which is so difficult for the two of you (rather than a wank and a turkey baster, which would have been easier and less loaded), why did you have FOUR?

Of course, four kids with a twelve-year gap between oldest and youngest ties him to you for a really long time under your ‘until the youngest is 18’ agreement - but that couldn’t be the answer, could it?

Posters are very conveniently forgetting about all the men who have marriages, and sexual relationships with women, but then come out as gay in their 40/50s.

If they can do that, I have no doubt that the OPs husband can too. It's just physiology at the end of the day.

Sorry that people are giving you a hard time.

Do you share a bed generally, or do you have separate sleeping arrangements?

Are you affectionate with each other at home, like kissing, hugging etc? What about around other people?

Do you hold hands in public?

You also sound awesome :)

The plan was always to have 3/4.

Yes I did read the abstract. Did you read my post where I mentioned this was one of a number of links that come up on Google. Here’s another one https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38724699/
I’m not in the business of going through all of the online references and evaluating them for people on this thread to pick holes in them, simply suggesting that the OP is not necessarily being outrageous suggesting that this is a phenomenon and anyone can do some further reading if they want to.

@dontquestion

why on earth didn’t you just wait to meet a straight man that could fall in love with you and vice versa??

Men who have sex with men have a very high rate of STIs including HIV, and intestinal parasites.

Yet you’re still willingly having sex with him, it would be if you weren’t very busy.

Does he have a full MOT after every new partner - and wait the full three months without sleeping with anyone else to get accurately tested for HIV?

You say you rarely have vaginal sex except for conceiving. Does this mean you are having a particularly high risk type of sex with a gay man?

Okay, I am surprised by that but fine.

Would you answer my earlier question, on why you married?

I was in a lavender marriage, except I didn’t know it. When I found out I left because I wanted the whole shebang - a man who was in love with me, fancied me, and who wanted a full committed marriage. Do you feel you’re missing out?

We share a bed, for the children we live as a normal married couple where we can and when they are watching.

I can’t see any benefit to having separate rooms though, even when we have been seeing other people and never considering sex with each other we still liked each other and enjoyed each others company.

Exactly 💯

For our children and for security.

Not really, I feel I can still find a man who fancies me when I want, I have a young baby so it’s not something I do want right now. And I feel in every other way our marriage is committed, he has never put another man before our family, when ive needed him he’s never not been there.

This is batshit

Do you understand that your children are likely going to feel very hurt and betrayed when they grow up and find out that their parents' marriage was a fake? How are you planning on telling them and have you considered the fall out?

One of my parents came out as gay when I was in my teens and it affected me and my siblings in all kinds of ways. I think one of the worst things is seeing how very difficult it has been for us to form healthy relationships, because what was modelled for us was strange and full of deceit.

But you aren’t the one who is only “conveniently available” to your DH are you?

As you’ve both agreed he can go out and sleep with men if he chooses?

So he has the option, but he doesn’t, and is instead having sex with you.