I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

Will you tell your children the truth before the youngest is 18? Are you worried about how they may feel about their childhood when the truth is known?

You don’t know that though.

Schofield could have always known he was gay and never been attracted to his wife, just lied for the purpose of his career and children

I find it harder to believe him and other men in similar situations didn’t realise they were gay until that late in life. They knew, they just didn’t want to admit it to themselves and others or to live that kind of life yet, so lied and pretended overwise until it ate away at them.

youngest is under a year and eldest is 13. We don’t plan on having anymore

No idea what a "lavender" marriage is.

Non of my gay friends would ever have sex with a woman.

Love them too.

So safe to hang out with them.

I get having sex to conceive.

But why bother to have sex outside of conception if it’s not easy and you have to work at it?

I asked a little while back if you guys need to believe he's gay because it will make it easier for you both when you split up, as you apparently plan to do eventually; he can say he's now living authentically and can't help it, and you can say he could never be "truly" married to any woman, so it's no reflection on you.

In addition, does he need people to think he's gay because it will increase his chances when he's in the gay dating pool? I'm happy to be corrected on this one but I understand that there are some same-sex attracted circles where being openly bi is less desirable.

I think the OP is confused as well.

Surely that's not strictly true. I slept with my teen gay boyfriend (before he and I knew he was gay). Such heartbreak. He never had a relationship with a woman afterwards.

He’s not gay then is he? 🤦‍♀️

Whose idea was this?

do you ever worry that you are missing out on the love of your life? Do you ever worry that he meets the love of his life and leaves?

If he enjoys it with OP he's definitely bi. I'm straight and can't imagine batting for the other side even just experimenting. A truly gay man would be as repulsed by the idea of a fanny as a truly straight woman.

@dontquestion Why did you decide to conceive the "natural" way rather than the "turkey baster" method?
I read an article years ago in the Guardian (I think) about male/female married couples who didn't have sex (mostly either due to one or both being gay or asexual) but they wanted children.
It seems Calpol syringes make an excellent way of getting that sperm it.
Sounds like that might have been an easier method.

One of my best friend's parents are/were in a lavender marriage (because they absolutely refuse to get divorced despite having other long term partners). Dad is gay and they think he was "playing the part" for a number of years but their youngest sister was definitely conceived when they both realised.
The siblings have a lovely bond with both parents and their new partners and hold no resentment (although there has definitely been therapy, largely because outsiders judged).
His wife's (another great friend) parents judged very badly and tried to sabotage the wedding. Twenty years in, my friends are very happy and their children have so many grandparents that they are giddy with joy!

You said earlier that this was simpler than a normal relationship. I beg to differ. There's nothing simple about it.

What will you do when your kids ask why you've lied to them their entire lives?

Why did you willingly put yourself in this situation, OP? What is in it for you? Really don’t get it.

I also know of women who have experienced physical pleasure while being raped
That is really not a great thing to say.
Reported

I also know of women who have experienced physical pleasure while being raped

You equate your marriage with this?

Plenty of gay men have sex with their wives, maybe because they're deep in the closet, or need to keep up appearances. In this case, though, it's weird, because there's absolutely no reason to have sex with one another.

You're not attracted to each other, so how pleasurable can it really be? You have to 'work at it' which sounds miserable, tbh. For both of you. Why bother? You are both free to seek out other sexual partners or you could just go without for a while. I find it very strange that you are both working hard for an occasional joyless shag.

I think you are modelling a very strange relationship for your kids. Don't be surprised if they struggle to find partners when they're older. You have given them a very strange model to base their future relationships on.

Because we live together, sleep in the same room and with 4 young children no longer have time to seek out sex with people we are attracted to.

Someone you love and trust touching your body can still be pleasurable even if there isn’t initial sexual attraction.

A lavender marriage was a cover when the (usually famous) man couldn't come out.

This isn't a lavender marriage. Your oldest child is 13, so I think it entirely reasonable to think that your husband grew up when being a gay man wasn't illegal, even if it was still difficult.

Why did you both make these choices?

Apparently it’s true - and they don’t need shaming for it

one of the reasons victims of SA have such a hard time accepting they didn’t make it happens and that they are blameless

Do you ever feel lonely missing that romantic/sexual connection?

You've made an honest agreement with each other! Your marrage has probably lasted longer than my vanilla marrage!
How old are the children? Do you share a bedroom/bed?

I just realised OP - you have posted this on the most romantic day of the year!