I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

What's the purpose of your marriage - did your husband need a heir to pass property/title?

A family member had this exact set up and wonders why one kid has cut them orf and the relationship with the other is strained and doesn't trust a word they say.

They raised their kids in a fake marriage and now can't understand why the kids have trust issues and have distanced themselves from their parents after finding out they were raised in lie.
Op needs to keep in mind that just because she's ok with it doesn't mean her kids will be when they find out and they will find out no matter how hard they try to hide it..

No one is giving OP hate for having a happy content life. No one is saying OP and her husband don’t have a solid family until. What 99% of us can’t understand is how she is saying her DH is gay when he’s not - that’s why.

Based on friends experience I’d say the sexual orientation would be less of an issue than the open relationship

I had a friend whose father was clearly attracted to men. She understood that people can’t help their sexuality. But the friend whose parents turned out to have an open relationship - that was destabilising for her and her siblings.

Also if she's so deliriously happy, why start a thread knowing she will get feedback to the contrary.

Mind you it's probably all made up bollocks. 😂

He doesn’t go around having sex with his female friends for fun or convenience either though. He’s never had sex with another women.

we’ve had to learn to to have sex with each other within the agreement we made at first to conceive our children. We live together and it is now a matter of convenience and pleasure, it isn’t regular or easy and we have to work at it but it can still be ‘fun’.

Your poor kids

I was in my 20’s when we married.

I'm confused as to why people are saying a gay man couldn't get it up for a woman. There are plenty of men who have married a woman, had a family and later came out as gay?!

You sound vunerable and hurt in the past and although I’m sure you and DH are lovely parents I would struggle with finding his information out in the future, which I’m sure they will.

Ewww imagine having sex with someone who you know isn't attracted to you.
What a life

I’m worried about OP’s self esteem / vulnerability and the kids in the future.

Philip Schofield was one.

Especially in the past. Oscar Wilde for example.

It’s a bit different. He thought he was bisexual and did have attraction to men when he got married, fancied his wife and had kids with her. Then later down the line he fell out of sexual attraction with his wife and realised he was 100% gay.

Yes but their wives were in the dark. They had to shag their wives to keep up the pretence. This wife "knows" he's gay therefore he's under no pressure to perform. He chooses to because he's a rat

its not 100% sure about Oscar Wilde but most people believe he was bisexual when he got married and then realised he was gay and had affairs with men. Philip Schofield again, was happy and attracted to wife then fell out of sexual interest with her / woman and relaised he was fully gay later down the line. It’s definitely different to OP’s situation

Why did you decide to get married and have children? Why marry a friend rather than wait to fall in love and have kids with them? Why did he want to marry and have kids with you rather than with a man he’d be sexually attracted to?

What I'm saying is that a gay man can still get it up for a woman- some PP are saying it is impossible and it really isn't.

I do get your point about the OP's husband having nothing to hide, and is under no pressure to perform. Why is he a rat though?

Why did you choose this arrangement for yourself, specifically instead of finding a relationship where you could be in love and sexually compatible?

What have you done to protect yourself in case he decides to live his life as a gay man before the children are 18?

Very interesting perspectives on this!

How old are your children OP? Do you plan to have anymore?

I find your whole thread so interesting. I think its amazing 2 people who love each other and are totally honest with each other have built a nice life together despite one being gay.

Personally I think its healthier for children to grow up in a loving home with parents who have different sexual preferences but who are honest, respect and love each other than it is to grow up in a home with 2 parent's who hate each other but stay together for the kids. I work with children and a happy home life generally means a happy child.

No I can't because I'm not Bi.
Looks like you and your husband have a lot of introspection to do because for gay and straight people going against our sexuality feels like trying to fight againt an overwhelming instinct that is screaming at us the entire time.
There's nothing fun or arousing about it, there's no bigger turn off than trying to force ourselves to engage in sexual activity that goes againt our sexuality, it can cause a shut down reaction like how fear can cause a 'freeze' reaction in people.

Seriously go speak with an actual gay man and he will make it clear to you that gay men don't sleep with woman. Your husband is bi, and your comment insinuates you may be somewhat too, oblivious as you are.

“Can you not, at all?”
absolutely not. deterred by rules in all girls boarding sch. @ v. early age.
added to which, how d’you manage to get turned on whilst having to work so hard turning him on

He's bi not gay then.

So he's bi?