Page 34 | I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

dontquestion · 2026-02-14T18:07:07+00:00

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together. Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us. AMA

Original poster

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 15:00

localnotail · 15/02/2026 13:14

I think it sounds like OP did not have any other options apart from this man - living with him, being very close, coming to UK with him, having children. It would not happen if she had other options, also, I would think it would not happen if both parties were equally attractive/ desirable to potential partners. As her partner seem to set the scene, I would imagine he is the main driver in this, not her.

There is probably issues with insecurity, self worth and trust issues OP has... in any case, its a very unusual set up, and all we know is what OP is telling us - and she could be a totally unreliable narrator, for all we know. But even with her rose-tinted specs, it sounds very questionable:

they both lie to their children and to everyone they know, pretending they are a straight "normal" couple - I would imagine moving countries was one of the reasons for that. I cant understand why its necessary unless their past history warrants that somehow
they dont have sex in a normal sense of the way, it sounds like its purely mechanical and soulless - I have no idea why anyone would want to engage in it - but I suspect their sex consists of OP's partner making her pleasure him and then he "pays back"
OP says they both had partners outside of marriage - however, with 4 kids its highly unlikely for both of them, so again, I would think the man goes to do whatever he wants, and OP waits for him at home and looks after children
The partner says he will leave after kids are grown - like, the fuck? So OP will be discarded like a used utensil, having lived a life with no affection and no proper sex?

None of this sounds good, all sounds desperately sad and paints a picture of a highly sexed, attractive male using a meek, insecure woman for his own gains... And her trying to make it sounds like its all lovely and nice.

I had other options, I had no problem finding men who found me sexually attractive and or who would be willing to get me pregnant. I had several relationships before and they were all with very abusive men.
I don’t believe I had better options, I am yet to find another man who I feel I could trust and enjoy the company of as much as Dh or who would be a better father and I know lots of straight men who are good kind men.

I am from the uk, I moved to study and always was going to return to work.

If anything he has taken on more of the child raising at times to allow me to further my career. It’s easier for a man to get further while doing less. I have done more jobs that have required me to be away from home longer.

He has never said he would leave after the kids have grown, we just both agreed to not consider it until they are.

OP posts:

Frenchfrychic · 15/02/2026 15:02

It is curious you use the phrase lavender marriage, it is a term that’s outdated and meant historically a marriage of convenience with the aim of concealing sexuality.

so as this is ama, my two are,

what country is he from and what religion.

does his family, parents and siblings know he’s a gay man, was he out to them,

Themilkmanatnight · 15/02/2026 15:13

liveforsummer · 15/02/2026 14:47

This is the case for thousands of families up and down the country. Staying in shit relationships ‘for the sake of the kids’. At least this is a happy one. The transactional details don’t need gone in to. It’s the truth that they love each other too

Show quote history

Yes, and there have been repeated threads where the adults who were the kids in such marriages said how much it fucked them up when their parents split when they left for uni, and they realized their whole family had been a sham that the parents knew about, but they did not.

At least those marriages started off with the attention to be normal marriages. OP did not, so there is no need for her and her ‘H’ to lie to their children.

Applecharlotte2 · 15/02/2026 15:18

Themilkmanatnight · 15/02/2026 15:13

Yes, and there have been repeated threads where the adults who were the kids in such marriages said how much it fucked them up when their parents split when they left for uni, and they realized their whole family had been a sham that the parents knew about, but they did not.

At least those marriages started off with the attention to be normal marriages. OP did not, so there is no need for her and her ‘H’ to lie to their children.

Show quote history

Omg! What is a normal marriage - it’s nothing I see

people are at liberty to decide how theybfeel
about. Sexuality

JayJayj · 15/02/2026 15:22

I think I understand the appeal. The only thing I would crave is cuddles and feeling loved. I love laying down and snuggling on the sofa etc. You may still do that i guess.

My in laws. Straight couple, 3 kids, married over 40 years. They aren’t in love. I’ve been with my husband 22 years. I’ve only seen the kiss once, that was when she had had an operation and looked so ill, he kissed her head when we left. They haven’t shared a bed in all the time we’ve been together and seemed like the hadn’t for a long time. I don’t think they love each other anymore. It’s just convenient for them to stay married and easier. I can imagine there are many more marriages like this.

Comparing these 2 marriages I know I’d much rather have yours than my in-laws.

Themilkmanatnight · 15/02/2026 15:23

Frenchfrychic · 15/02/2026 14:59

Gosh this is horrible, utterly shameful. They are raising heir kids in a happy family home.

now I don’t understand at all why rhe op agreed to this, unless it was financial and a lifestyle, but I fully understand why he has, many gay men sadly, even a decade ago wanted a beard, even today many will pick that, a semblance of the stereotypical family unit, for many differing reasons, career, shame of their sexuality, fear of being judged, cultural, religion, family etc, and I’ve no doubt he is gay, but I don’t judge their ability to raise a family in a happy home, or decide I know rhe situation better than they do. The fact there are four kids tells me there is something behind him wanting a beard and not to live life openly as a gay man,

I would like to understand her motivations better, and I really don’t beleive for one moment she agreed to this in her 20s as he was her best friend, so I do think op there is something unsaid here in terms of why you agreed to be this man’s beard, and I suspect you have this odd sex to make it feel more like a marriage to you, and he’s committed to do that, it was the deal you made.

But are your kids protected , I’ve no doubt, and I don’t see any reason they should ever find out the transactional deal you both made or that you were always his beard,

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We are not making up the damage caused to adults who find out the family tney lived in was a front just to raise the kids. That comes from testimony from those who lived it.

Adults should not lie to kids to suit the adults needs.

Saying this is ok, you just need to make sure the lie does not ever get discovered, is completely fucked up.

Themilkmanatnight · 15/02/2026 15:24

Applecharlotte2 · 15/02/2026 15:18

Omg! What is a normal marriage - it’s nothing I see

people are at liberty to decide how theybfeel
about. Sexuality

Show quote history

It’s not about sexuality. It’s about not lying to your kids about what their family is.

Applecharlotte2 · 15/02/2026 15:25

JayJayj · 15/02/2026 15:22

I think I understand the appeal. The only thing I would crave is cuddles and feeling loved. I love laying down and snuggling on the sofa etc. You may still do that i guess.

My in laws. Straight couple, 3 kids, married over 40 years. They aren’t in love. I’ve been with my husband 22 years. I’ve only seen the kiss once, that was when she had had an operation and looked so ill, he kissed her head when we left. They haven’t shared a bed in all the time we’ve been together and seemed like the hadn’t for a long time. I don’t think they love each other anymore. It’s just convenient for them to stay married and easier. I can imagine there are many more marriages like this.

Comparing these 2 marriages I know I’d much rather have yours than my in-laws.

Edited

Op said they do curl up and she gets a lot of emotional support and hugs

Themilkmanatnight · 15/02/2026 15:28

Frenchfrychic · 15/02/2026 15:02

It is curious you use the phrase lavender marriage, it is a term that’s outdated and meant historically a marriage of convenience with the aim of concealing sexuality.

so as this is ama, my two are,

what country is he from and what religion.

does his family, parents and siblings know he’s a gay man, was he out to them,

Yes, I suspect the pretence is not in the kids’ interests ( and is likely to harm them in the future when they discover they were lied to) but is for the benefit of the husband, OP, or both.

The kids have been drawn into it to benefit the adults, is my guess.

liveforsummer · 15/02/2026 15:28

Themilkmanatnight · 15/02/2026 15:13

Yes, and there have been repeated threads where the adults who were the kids in such marriages said how much it fucked them up when their parents split when they left for uni, and they realized their whole family had been a sham that the parents knew about, but they did not.

At least those marriages started off with the attention to be normal marriages. OP did not, so there is no need for her and her ‘H’ to lie to their children.

Show quote history

But that’s more from growing up with unhappy parents in a miserable marriage which damages the dc from an early age even if the adults try to hide it. This isn’t the case here. They are happy with each other. The lack of sexual attraction isn’t anyone else’s business. plenty couples also rubbing along after sexual attraction has gone. Everyone has different views on this so works for some and not others. Folk had different priorities in life but a stable happy home for dc is the main thing which is being provided

Original poster

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 15:29

Frenchfrychic · 15/02/2026 15:02

It is curious you use the phrase lavender marriage, it is a term that’s outdated and meant historically a marriage of convenience with the aim of concealing sexuality.

so as this is ama, my two are,

what country is he from and what religion.

does his family, parents and siblings know he’s a gay man, was he out to them,

It’s not something we use regularly, I used it for the sake of this thread as I believe we still fit under that term as we are in a marriage of convenience and he is gay.

He is from the US, he’s not religious and he doesn’t have a relationship with most of his family. The one person he does knows he had relationships with men previously, I assume they believe he is Bi.

OP posts:

TheBerry · 15/02/2026 15:30

dontquestion · 14/02/2026 18:38

It probably is unusual.

To me sex with him is different to the sex Ive had have with other men and to him sex with me is different to the sex he has with other men where there is physical attraction.

it does just come down to physical touch for us, we have both learnt to how to physically pleasure each other.

I can imagine paying for an erotic massage preformed by a woman and finding it pleasurable even though I have no sexual desire towards women.

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Surely you both must be slightly bi?? I mean I'm straight and I cringe at the thought of receiving an erotic massage from a woman. Thinking about her hands on me makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Anyway, your relationship sounds great! I'm glad it's working for you.

Themilkmanatnight · 15/02/2026 15:32

liveforsummer · 15/02/2026 15:28

But that’s more from growing up with unhappy parents in a miserable marriage which damages the dc from an early age even if the adults try to hide it. This isn’t the case here. They are happy with each other. The lack of sexual attraction isn’t anyone else’s business. plenty couples also rubbing along after sexual attraction has gone. Everyone has different views on this so works for some and not others. Folk had different priorities in life but a stable happy home for dc is the main thing which is being provided

Show quote history

No. This is not what the kids from these marriages have said. They said they believed their parents were happily married until they split up after the kid went to uni, and were then told they only stayed together to raise their kids. They report feeling devastated and that it made them question all the happy times and family time they experienced. It’s the foundation you thought underpinned all your family life, suddenly being shown to be false. If you haven’t experienced this, it’s hard to understand the psychological impact.

And knowing you were deliberately deceived by your own parents, your whole life, is very hard to take.

ELCismyspiritnana · 15/02/2026 15:35

Op, what was ut that made you decide to pretend to be in a traditional marriage, rather than raise your children together as a platonic married couple in the same house? You could easily have separate rooms, no sex life at all, but still be a family in one house.

Also, HOW can you not have known as little as 13 years ago about the turkey baster method? It's been widely known about, in articles, tv storylines etc for decades!

TheCriticalThinker · 15/02/2026 15:37

Does your husband know you've posted this thread?

How would he react to the people who believe you are abusing him - possibly due to the abuse you received in your previous relationships - due to what some believe is you coercing him into a sexual relationship against his wishes?

HigherandHigher · 15/02/2026 15:42

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 15:29

It’s not something we use regularly, I used it for the sake of this thread as I believe we still fit under that term as we are in a marriage of convenience and he is gay.

He is from the US, he’s not religious and he doesn’t have a relationship with most of his family. The one person he does knows he had relationships with men previously, I assume they believe he is Bi.

Show quote history

Its outdated by decades.
It was used in the US primarily so that some gay men could have societal approval and have the front of being hetero.

Obviously in the UK there is a long history of gay men not coming out until it was made legal , and politicians such as Jeremy Thorpe whose gay affairs and sexuality hit the headlines (and the court.)

usernamealreadytaken · 15/02/2026 15:43

If DH finds a man he wants to settle down with and you do separate after your youngest turns 18, are you concerned that DC might blame him for hiding his sexuality and stringing you along, if you don't tell them the truth? Do you think, after being married to your best friend for thirty-odd years, that if he does leave you for a man, that you won’t be upset to find yourself in your fifties and single, and struggle to pretend to DC that you’re fine about it?

Themilkmanatnight · 15/02/2026 15:43

ELCismyspiritnana · 15/02/2026 15:35

Op, what was ut that made you decide to pretend to be in a traditional marriage, rather than raise your children together as a platonic married couple in the same house? You could easily have separate rooms, no sex life at all, but still be a family in one house.

Also, HOW can you not have known as little as 13 years ago about the turkey baster method? It's been widely known about, in articles, tv storylines etc for decades!

Well this. Why the lie?

And why the weird confusion of the situation by getting married ( you could have had other contracts to organise financial protections), sleeping in the same bed and the very strange provision of transactional sex when you aren’t attracted to each other’s sex?

Its like with OP or H has a psychological or emotional need to pretend this really is a marriage.

KilkennyCats · 15/02/2026 15:43

dontquestion · 15/02/2026 15:29

It’s not something we use regularly, I used it for the sake of this thread as I believe we still fit under that term as we are in a marriage of convenience and he is gay.

He is from the US, he’s not religious and he doesn’t have a relationship with most of his family. The one person he does knows he had relationships with men previously, I assume they believe he is Bi.

Show quote history

I assume they believe he is Bi
As should you, it’s as plain as the nose on your face.
I can only assume you have your own reasons you’ve chosen not to disclose here for insisting he’s gay.

HigherandHigher · 15/02/2026 15:44

JayJayj · 15/02/2026 15:22

I think I understand the appeal. The only thing I would crave is cuddles and feeling loved. I love laying down and snuggling on the sofa etc. You may still do that i guess.

My in laws. Straight couple, 3 kids, married over 40 years. They aren’t in love. I’ve been with my husband 22 years. I’ve only seen the kiss once, that was when she had had an operation and looked so ill, he kissed her head when we left. They haven’t shared a bed in all the time we’ve been together and seemed like the hadn’t for a long time. I don’t think they love each other anymore. It’s just convenient for them to stay married and easier. I can imagine there are many more marriages like this.

Comparing these 2 marriages I know I’d much rather have yours than my in-laws.

Edited

You have no idea how their marriage is.
My DH and I don't kiss in front of my SIL and DIL.
We often have different bedrooms for health reasons.

liveforsummer · 15/02/2026 15:46

Themilkmanatnight · 15/02/2026 15:32

No. This is not what the kids from these marriages have said. They said they believed their parents were happily married until they split up after the kid went to uni, and were then told they only stayed together to raise their kids. They report feeling devastated and that it made them question all the happy times and family time they experienced. It’s the foundation you thought underpinned all your family life, suddenly being shown to be false. If you haven’t experienced this, it’s hard to understand the psychological impact.

And knowing you were deliberately deceived by your own parents, your whole life, is very hard to take.

Show quote history

I don’t know who ‘these kids’ are or ‘these marriages’. The ones I see in real life and on threads, it’s pretty obvious the parents aren’t happy. Dad often checked out off doing ‘his hobby’ etc. how many actually feign a happy marriage, actually manage to pull that off 24/7 for years and years then turn round one day and say they only stayed together for you. Over income across that. OP doesn’t plan to do that.

JayJayj · 15/02/2026 15:48

HigherandHigher · 15/02/2026 15:44

You have no idea how their marriage is.
My DH and I don't kiss in front of my SIL and DIL.
We often have different bedrooms for health reasons.

Show quote history

Ha ha ha. Love the contradiction of you telling me what I don’t know.

Themilkmanatnight · 15/02/2026 15:50

liveforsummer · 15/02/2026 15:46

I don’t know who ‘these kids’ are or ‘these marriages’. The ones I see in real life and on threads, it’s pretty obvious the parents aren’t happy. Dad often checked out off doing ‘his hobby’ etc. how many actually feign a happy marriage, actually manage to pull that off 24/7 for years and years then turn round one day and say they only stayed together for you. Over income across that. OP doesn’t plan to do that.

Show quote history

They are posters who have come on threads to state what I outline. I don’t know why you want to deny their accounts. ( Well I do, it’s because it doesn’t fit your narrative).
The fact that there are kids of parents in unhappy marriages is not a reason to create a different dynamic to fuck your kids up, by raising them in an unnecessary lie. OP and her H could just be honest with the kids about their set up.

Tacohill · 15/02/2026 15:52

Do you consider yourself as asexual?

Are you not that interested in intimacy or sex?

I personally couldn’t think of anything worse than a sexless marriage and I’d need my DP to desire me and not feel like he has to force himself to touch me.

But then I am not asexual and I am wondering if you are which is why you’re ok with being treated like this.

Imdunfer · 15/02/2026 15:56

I can't see any answer to my question why on earth you wanted to start this thread?

I'm not trying to stop anyone, I'm just really curious why you would invite all the peering through metaphorical keyholes at your relationship, which I suspect is less uncommon than people think.